rip my heart into a thousand pieces

You broke my heart into a thousand pieces. It only takes one day to destroy many years and good memories. Only one day to break long earned trust. One day you will never forget in your whole life. And so it was to happen to me on that day. Those who have already read my other writings know that I got together with my big love at the age of 18. We had an age gap of over 30 years, but everyone who met us soon named us a dream couple. He was my partner in crime, best friend, and soul mate. But what I found out six years later made me doubt the entire past and made me question everything. After we had been together for three years, just when I had mostly recovered from my illness, my partner was accused of child abuse. A very long and difficult time followed as you can imagine. At the time of the criminal charge appearing, I happened to be very late in university. Suddenly, the boss of my partner called me and asked if I knew where he was. I denied it and told him that he had written me via Facebook that his phone had broken. However, it turned out differently. I drove to my student apartment and found my boyfriend there waiting for me at a late hour. He showed me the report and explained that our shared apartment back home was completely investigated, the bedroom, my underwear, all such private things that you own. Also, the police had confiscated his phone and laptop. For me, a world collapsed. So it went out from the report that my partner had repeatedly touched two siblings under the age of 16 during tennis training for months, asked for nude pictures via Whatsapp, and also called them with video late at night. Of course, I would have laid my hand in the fire for my partner that none of this was true. He had never been guilty of anything, was always faithful, and had only had women of the same age prior to me. The children and family in question were already known for being very strange and constantly reporting people. Besides, the two children were very precocious and showed abnormal sexual behavior for their age. Of course, I also made inquiries to discover even the slightest chance of doubt. But my search remained fruitless. Months passed, in the end, even years passed. It was not always easy, but I stood behind my partner the entire time, even after I had found out about details that he had not told me before. It was probably something he did not want to burden me with when I was sick, I thought. At first, he was advised not to give any more child training, but after a few months, he was given permission to do so again, and he also got back his phone and laptop, on which nothing suspicious was discovered. The accusations burdened me at times, sometimes more, sometimes less. But to protect my partner and the relationship whose acceptance I had to fight for so long, I told no one except my mother about the criminal charges. We had wanted a child, and we even wanted to marry that summer, but that was not an option for me anymore until everything would be resolved. As time went by, the thoughts about the filed charges faded away as nothing suspicious was found during the investigation, and nothing had been heard from the lawyers or the family for months. At least that's what I thought. Of course,  in the back of my mind was always this uncertainty, how and why all this happened, but somehow life took its natural course. We were very happily together for a long time, but I eventually split up for rational reasons. Our love remained, however, even one and a half years after our separation. We kept in contact the entire time, still hung out a lot, and tried to keep at least our friendship. Of course, there were also one or two times during this period in which one of us hoped to get together again, but one thing was certain, we were always there for each other. At the end of the one and a half years of separation, he was fighting to get me back, and after two or three months, I got involved with him, and although I didn't want to call it a relationship again, it felt the same as before. It took me a long time not only to have sex with him but also to allow him to touch my lips and with that also my heart. And what had to happen? Of course..two days later, he managed to break all the trust by contacting other women on social media, which was sometimes more sometimes less hurtful to me. As I observed his behavior on social media for a few weeks, I noticed more and more how he followed and complimented teenagers or very young women from tennis. This behavior from such an older man made me very concerned. Throughout the whole time, he did not suspect anything and talked about wanting to propose to me soon and promised me the blue of heaven. Never before had I spied on him or anyone else, but my gut told me something was wrong. The events accumulated, and things became more and more obvious. And all of the sudden, here I was, after three years of the charges, questioning them again and making inquiries. Many efforts, sleepless nights followed, but the short version is: After all this time, I had to find out that my partner had lied to me for years. He had always said that he had never heard back from the lawyers, and that the trial had come to nothing. He had manipulated me and even talked me into a severe shame when I cautiously asked for an update every few months. But what I found out was that the trial had already ended at least one year ago, that both parties had reached an agreement, and that he was sentenced based on a confession. I also found out that the most serious points of the accusations were dropped, but still something must have happened. So it turned out that he can continue to give children training. At the same time, however, he must have molested a 13 and a 15-year-old in some form. I don't know what is worse, the fact that your partner, with whom you spent the best time of your life, apparently shows sexual interest in teenagers or the fact that for years he hid the truth from me, which I more than deserved. He played me an ideal world and even wanted to propose to me while I did not know that he was lying to me the whole time. Both of them completely broke my heart as it would break everyone's heart. As the story is not over for me, I can not tell what really happened because no one is willing to tell me the whole truth. But I will not give up until I learn the whole truth. I don't know what to think anymore, nor how to behave. Of course, I have completely cut off contact. There are wounds that even time cannot heal, events that overshadow all the good times. And yet nothing surprises me anymore, because everyone who has known me long and well knows that my life is always playing out like a bad movie repeating itself from year to year. I simply don't know how long I can be part of this movie until the last single part of my heart is finally destroyed.

Author's Note

If you have the chance read my story "irreplacable" and you will understand it even better...

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is very hard to read becuz it's one long run-on paragraph with small font. Also it's hard to read becuz this guy sounds like such a snake to me, right away, and yet it's excruciating to read along with you, where you are in your mind, still loving this guy & not fully acknowledging what a creep he is/was. You sorta acknowledge he's lied to you & maybe somewhat cheated, but this is not the voice of a woman who has really deep-down gotten the f*****g message that this guy is a total waste of time, which sadly means all those years have been wasted. It's excruciating to acknowledge this about one's own life, but I don't feel much agony here. I honestly don't think this has hit you or something. Maybe you can't allow yourself to acknowledge how catastrophic this must feel, so you're still holding yourself together & kinda defending your extremely bad choice in life, still clinging to the idea of this guy as being someone you still love, even tho you had to leave him. I don't hear you acknowledging, in all it's full glory, the real reason you had that deep gut drive to leave this guy. Some part of you knew more than you're letting on here. Someone this brainwashed doesn't just leave a guy like this for such vague nebulous reasons. I think there's a world of hurt in there that you have only just begun to write about. I will be very glad to read anything about this, becuz you are a compelling writer, even if I see the world so differently than you do. You make us see the world the way you see it & that's what writers want to do! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[sedulous_mind]

barleygirl - thank you for your review. Reading your review was quite hurtful. Hurtful because it contains a lot of truth. Even though I do not agree with everything, you are right in many aspects. I haven´t felt like writing here in a few weeks but when I saw your review, it brought me back again. I love the way, how people exchange thoughts and feelings here, and that´s part of the reason I always keep coming back.

I wrote this story a few days after I found about the truth, being in a state of not understanding how the person I love could possibly hurt me in such a way. As you can imagine, after finding out the truth, I went through a lot of phases of emotions: grief, anger, disappointment, etc. It just takes time to realize events like this and to put a situation in the right perspective.

I don't think all those years were a waste, but looking back, I definitely would have wished for a different experience. I don't think I'm the classic victim in this story; as I thought long beforehand about whether to start this relationship. Of course, it's easy to see yourself as a victim at first, but at all times, I was aware of my decision. No one is to blame for their sexual preferences, and it doesn't make you a bad person. It only makes you a bad person if you act out your sexual preferences without the other person's consent or if you are dishonest. Obviously, I was very young, however, my decision would have been the same 5 years later. Neither do I think that someone stands by a person for years, even in difficult times, just because of sexual attraction. I think a person can have many facets, and yet certain things are unforgivable. My point of view may be difficult for you to understand or might appear wrong as you were a victim yourself in your youth. However, I think each situation must be considered differentiated, even though it was definitely not okay and has caused many wounds that will remain a lifetime.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my stories and for sharing your thoughts. I hope my perspective won't offend you, although it may differ from yours.

Take care and lots of hugs - S

[barleygirl]

I'm sorry my review was hurtful. You expressed yourself so well in response to it, despite feeling somewhat hurt by it. This is the ultimate in being able to be honest with each other without undue scorn & without tearing another person down for being in a different mindset. I agree that no relationship is a waste of time becuz we learn & grow, whether good or bad input! Thanks for being so incredibly open & accepting of me speaking my mind (((HUGS)))

[sedulous_mind]

No need to be sorry, I still really appreciated your review! :) I value it when people express what they think, even if the truth can hurt. That's a quality that not many people possess and one that I highly value in my friends as well. And equally I was glad to hear your point of view, because in many ways you are definitely right and you understood perfectly what I intended to express in my stories. I will definitely check out your stories too as soon as I get the chance :)

[barleygirl]

Hearing you explain how this realization slowly dawned on you helps me imagine how it must've been for my mom, upon discovering her husband had been making the rounds almost every night, banging 3 of her daughters for years, bed springs squeaking for hours as he did his rounds, but somehow she missed all that. It must've been devastatingly hard for her to accept her part in accepting & keeping this monster in our lives for 25 years. Most people believe my mom must've known & therefore blame her. But there's no accounting for the power of denial. I can't say it enuf, your writing is so compelling & interesting & honest, I am fascinated by the way you experience what you've experienced!

[sedulous_mind]

I am very sorry for what you had to experience. I can't imagine how much agony you had to go through... how helpless and unguarded you must have felt. Nevertheless, I advise you not to compare my emotional feelings with those of your mother. I work with children myself and often witness similar situations. I was also not fortunate in the way my father treated me in my childhood, but this is out of all proportion to what you had to experience. If your mother's love for your father was similar to that of mine, then perhaps you can better imagine how painful it must have been for her to find out the truth. However, if I had children in that situation, I would not have hesitated for a second to get away as quickly as possible to protect my children.

Protecting yourself is often a whole different story. Most of the time, you protect others more than you protect yourself. And I hope that someone will take good care of you now and you will take good care of yourself.

[barleygirl]

Thank you for yet another fulsome share sprinkled with a ton of understanding & tolerance. I love the strength of the way you believe in what you have to say, regardless of what's already been said! (((HUGS)))

[Einstein Noodle]

i feel your pain. he is a classic predator .. preying on children as he did on you right from the start .. i do hope you have found some solid counsel and therapy for your own mental and emotional health. these kinds of men are very much all the same and fit the profile .. they lie and manipulate .. all of the "promises" from him, were and will always be false. I don't believe for a minute that no evidence was found, nor do i believe that he is allowed contact with children ... most likely he even has restrictions on how far away he must stay from schools and day cares ... its the law of the land .. sounds like he plea bargained and kept himself out of jail this time .. but these people are sick and addicted and so narcissistic they give no thought to the damage they do to children ... and are a huge risk to repeat their aberrant behavior .. you are worth so much more my friend .. brave soul for sharing this very painful part of your life .. peace of my Lord, Jesus be with you .. heal you and show you the brightness of your potential and future

[Dave]

sedulus -mind-I cannot imagine the agony you find yourself in. I feel so sorry for you and hope that somehow you will find a way to trust again.

Take care - Dave

[sedulous_mind]

Thank you for your kind words Dave. Trusting again will certainly take time. But sharing and reading experiences here that you might not share in real life makes me feel like I'm not alone in this.

Take care of yourself - S

[Dave]

Whatever we can do to help ease your pain. I know that things might seem horrible now, but I'm reminded of the passage: "And this too shall pass."

[sedulous_mind]

Beautiful passage... I will keep it in mind! I really appreciate it.