There is always a story behind

almost every wierd behaviour has its logical reasons behind it

During summer, I only had to attend university once or twice a week at most. Once again, I had hit a low point, didn't dress up anymore, and tried to finish my thesis. By this time, I had been dating my true love for 4 years, 3 of which we shared an apartment together. We had been in love with each other for 1 ½ years before we even got together, and despite the big age difference of over 30 years, he was not only the perfect partner but also my best friend with whom I have gone through many misfortunes over the years. However, this summer, it was different, and life didn't mean any good to us. During this time, I met a man at university whom I had not even noticed at first, but as it turned out, I would not be able to forget him later on. My first impression of him was not the most positive, but as it turned out, he somehow made me forget my worries and made me smile repeatedly. I had the impression that he was seeing me as the person I really am. It is insane how much a casual smile or glance can matter to someone without the other person really noticing. Over time, I had the feeling that I could see behind his tough facade, hiding a wonderful man. However, I tried to keep my distance. After my graduation, I was planning to change university for my beloved, and I was looking forward to spending more time in our apartment together. Unfortunately, our ways parted before that, but nevertheless, he will always remain family. Thus, the change of university was a new beginning. In the beginning, I didn't have a place near university, so I daily commuted 1 ½ hours per car through the rush hour traffic to university. From now on, I tried to concentrate fully on my studies and was very lucky to find some friends within the first two weeks. At home, I continued my private life as usual and met more and more with long term friends whose contact had unfortunately been decreased during my relationship. One friend was there for me, especially and was a great support. She was the only one who had witnessed how my boyfriend and I came together back then. She had a heart of gold, and from her, you expected nothing but the truth. As fortune took its course, my friend died a few weeks later after a heart surgery. She was in a coma for a few days, in which I visited her. We had the impression that she was aware of what was happening around her, and she was supposed to go to rehab within a few days as she had suffered brain damage. Unfortunately, she died shortly after my visit, and a world began to crash for me. As usual, I drove every day through the traffic to university, functioned like always, and started crying in the car every single evening on the way back home. Days seemed to be endless; I had taken 17 courses -far too many - and spent every day from morning till late in the evening at campus. I drove the long way home, tried to make up for the lost time with my dog, made dinner, and completed the remaining work for the university before continuing after a few hours of sleep. After a few weeks, I finally found an apartment near university for my dog (why I bought a dog during my studies is a different story) and myself. For the first time, I had time for myself again, and I didn't know how to cope with my grief about the loss of my good friend and the breakup from my true love and best friend. I started to read books and became more and more committed to my studies. I tried to gain something positive from the death of my dear friend and changed some of my habits in the knowledge that life can be unexpectedly short. During this time, I started to think more intensely about the man I had met during summer. Why did I have the feeling that I could trust him when, in reality, I barely knew him at all? Unlike other men, why had I taken him into my heart within a short time without really having talked to him very much? I had no idea, and I tried to push those thoughts away, but more and more, it occurred to me that I had to meet that man to be able to finally put those thoughts behind me. Life seemed so short to me, and I had reached a point where I had nothing more to lose, except chances that were not taken. So, I wrote to him, and a few weeks later, we met at my former university. By meeting him, I hoped that I had only imagined everything and that he was not the man I would remain interested in, and on the other hand, I just wanted to see him again and forget all my worries for a moment. Of course, I was also interested in the topic I had chosen to chat about. However, it was going to end, I had nothing to lose...at least I thought so. Unfortunately, it turned out differently: When I saw him coming towards me, I forgot everything around me and was totally blown away. Although I usually can have a good conversation with everyone, I hadn't expected this feeling. Usually, I am very controlled, but suddenly my head seemed to be totally blank, and I visibly started to embarrass myself and became increasingly nervous. I completely forgot about my actual topic of conversation, and even though I talked a lot (I had never talked so much nonsense in a row before), I started to close-up myself after all that had happened and wouldn't let him know the reason I really wanted to see him and why I was acting in this strange way. However, I had so many questions whose answer I tried to figure out... Could I confide in him? Did he even remember who I was? How would he act in a conversation between the two of us? Had I only made it all up in my head? So he ended up to be the first man I ever initiatively gave my phone number. But all these questions remained after the conversation, and there should be no further contact. It's ironic considering how often I experience this situation the other way around and how often I'm being entitled as arch-conservative because of my disinterest. Just for one day I wanted to think with my heart and not with my head just like most other people my age, what a stupid idea. I suppose I've just caught the one good man who, unlike other men, has truely good values. But it was not too bad either, I had at least tried, and now I was sure that the interest was only one-sided. So I continued to concentrate on university, which brought me more and more pleasure. I tried to somehow get over the losses, but one thing remained... the memory of the man who had repeatedly sent me a smile during summer and had unknowingly cheered me up. When one has experienced many misfortunes, it is difficult to meet an interesting and smart man. Maybe that's why I prefer older men... I have learned that you cannot choose who you let into your heart and who you do not let in. Sometimes we let people into our hearts because of some trivial kindnesses, although we hardly know them at all. As fortune goes, we always want what we can't have anyway. What did I want anyway? Looking for clues that I didn´t like him after all? A fling or just a nice converstation? Sometimes it is bad circumstances, and sometimes you leave a wrong impression. However, you learn from every experience. We can't look inside other people's minds, and we don't know how other people became who they are... but I am thankful for every and each person who leaves traces in my heart because that happens rarely. In this case, it was a very attractive and smart gentleman.