Cage

I hate my life,

and the way I grew to be.

I want to blame it on someone,

But there is no one but me.

I can't stand it anymore,

I'm screaming deep inside.

And my mouth never moves,

Am I really alive.

I don't mind being left alone,

It doesn't hurt at all.

Instead I drive them all away,

I like it even more.

I know it's wrong but i can't stop,

I trust no one at all.

I hate love and hope. and just

I hate hating it all

Why am I doing this,

When did I change?

I used to write happy stuff,

Now they took that away.

Can you see me or just my cage,

I'm locked right here inside.

Can't see my face nor myself,

When I look in the mirror each time.

Can you help me, can I change,

And be who I used to be.

Or will I risk it, then disappear,

And be stuck forever here.

Reviews

[zaisham9393]

I know many people believe that you can find good in every situation and it's all in your mind. That might be true but when you are going through some things in life it's hard to even look at the bright side of the morning...but it gets better, and when it does you can find that light even in the darkness of night!
I know it's too poetic :D, but that's something I truly believe in!
Thank you for sharing!

[Cara]

i also believe in what you said, you will always find the light
thank you for reading XD

[Coyote Poetry]

Changing your life is hard.
"Can you help me can I change
And be back to who I used to be
Or will I risk it then disappear
And be stuck forever here"
To change your. Need to move, find new places to go and make great changes in your life. Thank you Cara for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Cara]

i'm trying to go to new places, and i won't lose hope
thank you for reading

[Coyote Poetry]

I hope you can and you are welcome.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I think it's not hard to feel like this too often by most of us but to bring ourselves back to positivity is what really takes an effort.. I agree with emipoemi about this write needing some changes here and there but there's no denying that you portrayed the emotions well.

[Cara]

i agree too it is not hard to lose hope you slip and fall anytime whats hard is to stand back up and thats what im trying to do. thank you for reading XD

[Dr. YumnaKay]

You're welcome :)

[emipoemi]

This has potential. Such solemnity and a painful honesty accompany every line, but some of the wording to express what you really want to say within the rhythm you've set to the poem is kind of awkward. I have a number of notes to guide you on towards perfection for this piece, but I won't go into detail unless you are very much inclined to know them. This is a great start. I mean that. The first stanza is virtually golden! But the rest can't exactly match it, which is not so good for the poem itself.

[Cara]

thank you for your honest reply,i really want to improve my writing so can you please give me a detailed feedback. XD

[emipoemi]

Alright, then, we'll go stanza by stanza:

1: "and the way I GREW (or) CAME to be ("turned to be" isn't quite an expression as far as I'm concerned....it's more common to say "turned into")

2: "screaming but just inside" doesn't need the "but just"....that actually undermines the whole power of the piece. For screaming (like most words in poetry) has two forms - an active and a passive. The active is literal screaming, while the passive is the figurative; the screaming deep inside that is not shown to the public. Because the line ends with "inside" , we already have the cue for the passive meaning, and so don't quite need the "but just"....simply a powerful adjective or adverb to describe the intensity of the screaming). Also: "AM I really alive" not "I'm" (may have just been a typo, but just thought I'd point it out).

3: "it doesn't hurt anymore". Why "anymore"? This is a bit of a stray from what appears to be the original story/message, for I can't quite fathom what the "anymore" refers to from that has already been said/written. It simply seems like it was put in to rhyme with "more". The "instead" also seems a bit off in the flow of the stanza.

4: The last two lines are great, but their musicality doesn't flow well (and do you mean "justice" instead of "just" or is the "just" supposed to be linked with the next line: "I just hate hating it all"?

5: Same comment: last two lines lack in musicality, and also, that "too" in the last line is in a bad place. It would be better to switch it for something and rearrange the line to make it sound like you lost that ability as well (though, quite frankly, you don't really need to say "too" or "also" or the like, just say it plain, and your wording/phrasing would express the meaning you would like to convey).

6: "Can't see me nor my face" - the imagery you're striving for is there to some extent, but you're using two words that pretty much encompass each other. "me" is all of me, and "face" is part of that. So phrasing the line like that is a bit awkward. But you want to say the outward and inner me, if I'm not mistaken, so I would suggest to put the outward "face" first, and the inner "mySELF" (or my self) last).

7: Once again: last two lines - they seem to fall flat due to lack of punctuation (which on a general note, the whole poem could use some punctuation here and there to help with guiding the reader in how to read the poem....to know how it flows), and also the rhyme does end it with a bang (and since you essentially rhyme as best you can throughout the poem, it's best to wrap it all up with a bang-on rhyme, which I will suggest you play with "me", given it rhymes with "be", and the whole poem is about lost/changed identity/personality, and wanting to go back to how things were).

Hope that helps.

[Cara]

thank you, this really helped
i tried changing some of the things you said, would you check it and tell me what you think
also in stanza 3 i don't know what to use instead of ''instead'' how can i fix it?
and in stanza 4 the "just" was supposed to be linked with "I just hate hating it all''.
Thank you again for helping me XD

[emipoemi]

It reads a lot better now. Great changes. But there are some issues involving sound: Stanzas 3 and 4 in Line two end in "at all" which doesn't quite sound all too good. Here's a little experiment for you (and you should consider doing this with any other poem you're finding yourself stuck on or finding problems with, for it will help to some extent): If you want to write in a rhythm/rhyme structure, take all the thoughts you would like to say that would best express your story/message, and write them out as is (don't worry about rhythm or rhyme at this point); then link related thoughts into the stanzas you want; finally chop or expand the lines in the ways that would create a pleasant musicality (generally by this point, the rhymes should be able to slip in naturally).....Let it incubate a bit, poetry isn't an art to be rushed, and as I said, this has potential. You'll get there in time (I don't want to get to a point where I'm essentially writing it for you. You'll know when it's done by the power that its musicality coupled with its imagery end up generating when you read it aloud to yourself).

btw, if that "just" is supposed to be "I just hate hating it all", then it would be better to put it on that line so it's clearer, and put some other word to fill that empty space.

Good luck.

[Cara]

ok ill try that
thnak you XD

[Farhan Shaikh]

First of all you fid a very good job by writing your feelings down here, it is a very good formula to feel lighter..we should not pity on ourselves, whatever happens we should remain same, being alone can also be treated positively, you don't know how cool and amazing you are, you just lost yourself find yourself again and be yourself..you writes some amazing stuff that's one of your best thing, whenever i feel like i am alone or depressed i just pray on my bed that tomorrow will be alright and with rise of the sun my depression or loneliness disappear..

[Cara]

your words are ver kind thank you ver much. and i'm really glad you enjoy reading my poems
i do pray and hope not to really find the old me but to find the part that made the old me shine i know i'll find it i just need sometime XD thank you again for your kind words

[Farhan Shaikh]

Pleasure..

[Eve Marie]

Wow, very powerful words! I really enjoy your writing and I believe it's very similar to my style. I will send a friend request I hope we can stay connected! Don't give up and stay strong!

[Cara]

glad you enjoyed it and i approved the request few moments ago XD

[APOORVA]

very honestly scribbled..Intelligent as well.

[Cara]

Thank you for reading

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

raw true honest and hopeful
i see your plea and hope
please keep writing you are very talented x

[Cara]

aww thank you XD i'm really glad you liked it ^.^