Guideline #9 for Feral Male Staff

On the use of the facilities during a meeting

It has come to our attention that many new male staff are joining us improperly socialized. However, with effort and a positive attitude you can be trained to overcome your base instincts. I have been asked to produce a series of instructional booklets to help you with this process.

Guidelines for Feral Male Staff

#9 �" On Use of the Facilities When in a Meeting

We have met you, and please be assured we care not about (and shudder to even imagine) the squalid nightmare that was your upbringing. However, we have found that even staff raised by particularly dirty hippies can be trained to comport themselves among Decent People. This will require some work on your part; you must learn to rise in the morning, bathe, wipe yourself, use utensils, and all of the other accepted niceties of the business world. This Guideline will help you should you find you need to use the restroom during a meeting with clients or your colleagues.

On Knowing When to Go

You should plan to go when your bladder is approximately 2/3 full, or when the rhythmic contractions of peristalsis create a gentle pressure against your sphincter. You should not be going on the tens, like a weather report, or so infrequently that your activities are accompanied by shrieks or necessitate running the 40 in 4.4 either.

On Departing The Meeting

Rise as normal, and say ‘excuse me”. Do not bolt to attention wordless, as if the Sergeant Major only you can see has bawled out “On Your Feet!”, and do not wait until you cannot uncross your legs or need the assistance of your colleagues to stand. Smile. Do not curse or groan, nor grin and snort, as if anticipating a delicious treat. Details of the purpose of your departure, or general commentary on the size or regularity of your colon or bladder are neither necessary nor desirable.

On Making Your Way to the Lavatory

Eyes front and a brisk stride. Walk the halls with purpose; this trip is for business not pleasure. Assuming you have mastered Knowing When to Go, you will not be inconvenienced by a wrong turn or a brief encounter with an attractive young lady, but you do not want to be stopped en route for your annual review either. You should not need to canter, gallop or trot.

Do not get into the habit of unzipping yourself prior to entering the lavatory; bad habits are progressive and you will not wish to be found doing it before you leave your desk. Do not accost clients or coworkers on their way through the restroom doors; their minds will be unfocussed on your demands, although it may lend a certain urgency to any decisions they need to make. Similarly, do not lurk in or about the restroom to confront people as they depart, this behaviour is inconvenient to explain to the authorities.

On Doing Your Business

Refer to Guideline #8 for detailed instructions. Treat the washroom like a library or a church. Any talking should be carried out in a muted whisper, and kept to an absolute minimum, as two gentlemen whispering at length in the washroom can give others the Wrong Idea. Check discretely but carefully for mirrors, cameras and holes before sitting. Wash your hands, but do not make such great show of it as to make other occupants feel you are indulging in a rare treat.

On Returning to the Meeting

Smile again, say hello, and take a seat. Your colleagues and guests do not need to know about how your experience compared to that of a barnyard animal. Resist the urge to praise Jesus or boast about your accomplishment, neither is expected in polite company.