The Base

A Story by Pól

Chapter 1; Desmond

Cor sin twaddle width t**d", shrieked Desy in his customary frenzied manner. "Sorry" replied the puzzled driver, "Cynthia who?" Des was only half an hour into his shift and he could tell it was going to be difficult. It was busy, yes, but the main problem was the bloody drivers, they were so god-damn thick. "Sin twaddle width t**d" roared Desy down the phone, unable to hide his disgust for the morons with whom he had the misfortune to work.

Desy was the perfect choice as radio controller at Base Cabs. He had secured this prized role above stiff competition due to his competency in the following areas.

Communication skills;
Desy could not speak English. However he was fluent in two other dialects; the little known Desyesque, and the more common Gibberish. Unfortunately as all the drivers spoke only English, and all depended on Desy to direct them to their fares, this caused some initial problems.

Fortunately Desy was not the type to be discouraged by such a trifling difficulty. He realised that most of the drivers were sufficiently bright to quickly grasp the rudiments of Desyesque and Gibberish to make both their working lives bearable. And those that couldn't, well they could be sacked.

Most people considered Desy "a miserable git" for the number of dismissals for which he was directly responsible. However this wasn't really fair to the man, who made considerable efforts to assist the "thicker" drivers. Indeed he even designed and implemented a comprehensive induction and training programme to improve performance; ie all new recruits or old hacks who were having difficulty were invited to a night out with Desy at his local drinking hole, the Blackstaff, at their expense of course, where everyone spoke Gibberish.

Navigational Skills;
Desy could not tell the difference between left and right, but again made little of this handicap in his own inimitable and stoic manner. Indeed when the chips were down Desy never flinched when a lost and confused driver demanded to know which direction he should take. "Rye" boomed Desy in an authoritative manner, giving the driver the impression that he might actually know what he was talking about. Inreality Desy hadn't a notion but reasoned that there was a fifty per cent chance that he would be right, and if he was wrong, well then the driver would work it out eventually. Indeed as the years went by and Desy became more confident he refined his navigational style by always saying "Rye" and never left, as this would ensure that he was always half right, and anyway it was less hassle as he never had to make a decision. The unfortunate result for any driver foolish enough to actually follow Desy's advice was to arrive back at the exact point he had started from.

Intelligence;
Desy was as cute as a bag of foxes. He was blessed with the type of intellect that cannot be bought, or indeed acquired through formal education. Desy's wit had not been diminished by the rigours of scholarly life., as he had never attended school. Neither was he a great one for reading, again a wise decision as he couldn't read.

Desy's genius was most obvious when arguing a point. He was a brilliant debater. No-one ever ever won an argument with Desy, largely because no-one ever had a clue what the hell he was talking about. Whatever it was he was saying in his unique high-pitched debating drone, you knew he was right, as he said it with such authority and sincerity. One could only wonder why he had never entered the world of politics.

Other Skills;
Desy possessed one other unique talent which guaranteed his appointment; gambling. An ability to increase one's income by other means was an essential pre-requisite for a budding radio controller, as the job paid a pittance. This was not a problem for Desy, who was able to supplement his income by various forms of gambling, some of which were even legal.

When discussing his terms of appointment with Gerard, the Depot Manager, it was agreed that a poker machine would be installed for Desy's usage. Others were free to play the machine, but no-one ever did, as it was so complicated that only the wise Desy understood it, and anyway it paid out to him so regularly that it was generally empty of any pay-out money.

Desy had argued strongly for a second machine and, supremely confident in his ability, offered to work for nothing in exchange; "Cam one naye, mucker, geet us nather wan an ail fa nawthing"

Gerard, who was no fool refused and gently rebuked, "Now Des, you're starting to get greedy"