The Principle of Religion

Really not sure how I feel about this one. It's not very good.

 I look for something to take back

Freeing words from their storage rack

It’s not such a strange thing to say

That life is somewhere between sleep and a fray

You can fight it, and still live

 You can pay twenty dollars and get back one quid

Things are often so strange and hard to believe

For instance without eyes I could still see

Perception’s reality if you have enough time

And most everything we live is all in our mind

Imagination isn’t for children and it can’t be taught

It’s for the everyday person who has looked at their watch

Because if you believe that this is all real

And that everything we do is a simple appeal                                 

To the one great creator of all the monstrosity

Then, oh dear, poor you, it’s such an atrocity

Because none of this exists, and you’re somewhere far away

So take a deep breath, say your goodnights, and then pray.  

Reviews

[Beau Peyton]

Well, I think there's a lot of force in your voice, your experience. I really like the line, "pay twenty...get back one quid." "Oh, dear, poor you..." This is strong writing, because I think I'm really hearing YOU. There's much promise here, although I would say imagination absolutely is for children. The problem is adults lose it when they cease to embrace the wonder and imagination of their childhood.
Quit worrying about rhymes. Rhymes are not poetry. In fact, I think the rawness of your words would come through much stronger if you just let it flow without rhymes. Find your real voice and then use it, because I believe you have important things to say. Brilliance in writing is when HOW you say something matches the magnitude of WHAT you have to say. The delivery matches the content.

[Rasputin]

I'll be honest, this felt a bit awkward. If you're going for a poem that has a rhythm and/or rhyme scheme, you might want to tighten it up. But that's just my opinion- it's your poem, and what matters at the end of the day is what you think of it.
And that's not to say that I didn't like it- I did like it. Like someone else already said, it has a sense of rawness to it, which I always enjoy- after all, if you're not writing from the gut, then why would you bother? This feels like it came from the gut. I also like the fact that, while questioning the existence of a loving god, you still leave your actual feelings about religion ambiguous (for instance, I wouldn't be able to pull that off because of how opposed I am to religion).
All in all, I think this shows some definite promise. Reading your description of the poem, I hope you don't think it's bad and therefore kick yourself for it. There's quality here.

[Ashley Lynn]

A fascinating view. I very much enjoyed this, it's eye opening. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful work of art.

[khalid]

very simple but very expressing and nice. i have really enjoyed reading it. i think you wanted here to say that all religions have the same principles which ask people to do the good and be away from the bad...