Angry Days & Peaceful Nights

A short story of a girl and her mental struggles

This is the story of a girl who was angry at the world but not for why you might think. She carried feelings of self-hate, insecurities and most importantly she carried no self-belief. She wanted to fight back and scream but she couldn’t. She had no voice. She was angry because no one supported her but in fact all everyone did was blame her, blame her for everything. When angry at others they took it out on her, when angry at themselves they took it out on her. She was their punching bag.

But she was no ordinary girl because unlike the other girls who might be in her position she chose to fight back, she chose to express her right and she chose to speak up but unfortunately the world isn’t kind to girls who fight back and as a price of her actions she suffered.

Years passed and she became more frustrated and angrier. She wanted to be heard, she wanted to be appreciated, she wanted to be seen but the years brought her nothing. Nothing but more pain and nothing but more frustration. 

She repeatedly thought about running away and she frequently imagined what life would be beyond these four walls but deep down she was scared. She had grown so accustomed to the normality of being humiliated and yelled at that she felt that no matter where she ran away the world would be unkind to her. As a result her favourite resort to peace was to shut down and mentally block everyone and everything. She chose to seclude herself and hide in this silence.

She chose to not try and she chose to not make an effort. She had, in a distorted way, made peace with the idea that she would never be free and that she would never feel alive. The happiness she yearned remained nothing but a distant dream which she knew she may never achieve. She chose to hide in other people’s success, she tried to be normal and appreciate others but every night she felt nothing. She wasn’t happy but she also wasn’t sad. She was just hopeless and strangely she was okay with it.

She regularly stared at her work hoping to complete it but she couldn’t focus. She regularly tried to read or even tried writing to maybe self-discover something that eventually could lead her to feel something but she wasn’t that lucky. As a result she remained still and watched time fly by, bringing each day with a sunrise and each night with a sundown. She was empty.

Her most favourite part of her life was when she slept. Sleeping provided her with comfort that she could not find when awake. Sleeping provided her a brief escape into a world of possibilities where she was the star of the show. Her dreams were her reality but alas they were not hers to keep and unluckily she lied in bed every morning met with the displeasure that she was awake and back in the real world where she had no voice.

Sometimes things became too hard for her and she felt like she would explode. She just wanted to scream or hit someone but she ended up hitting herself and as insane as that was it brought her silence and it brought her serenity. It brought her the calm that she yearned even if it was for a matter of seconds. And then when she felt at peace she would look for a place to hide.

Her usual hiding place was her quiet bedroom. Her room was her haven. It was away from everyone and everything else and as strange as it was, in her room she felt as though time was slower when she wanted it to be but also faster whenever she wanted. Above all she felt a sense of happiness in her room. But the silence was too deafening and she felt she may drown but luckily she had an old TV which she often kept switched on. On this TV she played movies that she had collected over the past years. She watched curiously the same heroes fight the same battles and every time she would know the final outcome-victory. She felt as though everything around her had silenced as she quietly watched the screen. Each time she watched, she felt happy and eagerly rooted for the hero to save the day. She tried to imagine herself in that position and how she was fighting those battles and it made her happy because each time she knew she would win. This idea of her winning and defeating all that scared her, made her happy and in that one and half hour she felt unstoppable and brave but the minute the credits began to role the same sinking feeling would return and then she would quickly run and play the next movie and the same feelings would return. She was happy.

And then in this circle, day turned to night, which was her favourite part because now she could sleep in that slumber where she again would be the hero of her story. Again she would be unstoppable in this empty life. Again she would enjoy those few droplets of peace and serenity, until that is when morning came around and awoke her back into her dreadful life.

This story never ended because if it did the girl would end up unhappy, and no one likes a sad ending. So as a result, the same story kept replaying over and over again and the girl was forever trapped in that whirlwind of endless emptiness…

                                      The End