Shaping The Dark

i sang this while writing it, well while rewriting it, along to not the exact tune but more or less to; A Boy Brushed Red Living In A Black And White World by Underoath, hence the bold parts

Shaping the dark

I keep on falling through the dark

The hell that is my mind

Searching for a reason, a meaning

An explanation for what is happening to me

I’m hanging on the edge,

As the days pass so slow

Every second, every hour

Looking back over my shoulder,

I’m hanging on the edge

Watching my sanity fall away,

 

I don’t know what’s going on

As I look into the mirror

Someone else is looking back... at me...

Oh, leave the light on

The shadows are closing in,

The darkness is taking shape.

Leave the light on

Until I’m asleep

What I’ll create in the dark

Scares the s**t out of me...

 

I keep on looking back

Over my shoulder

Even with my back against the wall

I think I’m being followed

Alone in this room

I hear the whispers from the walls

Oh, my imagination is taking over

These dreams are taking shape

I’m hanging on the edge,

As the days pass so slow

Every second, every hour

Looking back over my shoulder,

I’m hanging on the edge

Watching my sanity fall away,

 

I don’t know what’s going on

As I look into the mirror

Someone else is looking back... at me...

Oh, leave the light on

The shadows are closing in,

The darkness is taking shape.

Leave the light on

Until I’m asleep

What I’ll create in the dark

Scares the s**t out of me...

 

I’m falling in the dark

The hell that is my mind

What is happening to me (To me)

I don’t know what’s going on

My mind breaks apart

I’m shaping the dark

 

Reviews

[The Perfectionist]

New Version, wee...

Well that's much better. If I knew the song, I might have been able to sing along, but even as it stands this is much more eloquent and deals with both the problems I found in the previous version. A vast improvement.

[The Perfectionist]

Another lyricist. This should be fun. And I even listen to that kind of music (among other things). Let's see what you've got.

Okay...

The tune is a little hard to pick up - and to follow - but I managed my way through it without too much trouble. The flow is alright, not the smoothest ride in the world, but it gets you where you want to go.

Two things stood out for me, both in a bad way. I don't know if it was the way I was trying to sing it, or the way your chorus is set up, but the last line

"Scares the hell out of me"

Feels very out of place each time I read it. It's like you're travelling down a bumpy, but passable dirt road and then every time you take a turn, there's a giant rock in the way.

I wonder if I can get arrested for torturing a simile...anyway

I'm not exactly sure what I'd do with it. I think it comes on too strong. I'm far from a person who objects to foul language (seriously, piss me off and then hide your children), but I don't think in the context that 'scares the hell' helps out your rhythm. It gets the point across, for sure, but it threw me off both times.

The other thing is a nitpick. I have absolutely no problem with repeating yourself at the end of a line, but if you're going to do it (and you did, at the very end) put a comma in there. "to me to me" just looks stupid.

Aside from that, it's a good song conveying something that happens to a lot of us.

[Kristen]

I love how this poem expresses (at least in my opinion) that sometimes your own imaginationi can be your enemy. What you conjour up in your own head can be your own personal nightmare.

[nostal]

Very tense and frightening.
I can feel the sensation the poem is trying to portray.
Good job.