A Lesson in Debt

A Lesson in Debt

 

Characters:

SIDNEY
ELIJAH
ZACH
THE NEIGHBORS

 

During a peaceful, quiet midnight, Sidney wakes up his dear friend Elijah and bitterly heads to Zach’s house with a trash bag full of pine cones. Elijah is extremely tired as he follows Sidney deliriously down the street, where Zach lives. They arrive right in front of his house.

 

ELIJAH: (shivers) You brought me here why, again?

SIDNEY: Shhhh. Quiet.

ELIJAH: (whispers) What are we doing here?

SIDNEY: Okay, so, Zach owes me a lot of money for a game console, and if you’re here with me, then he’s more likely to pay me back.

ELIJAH: Hm…Hey, Sidney?

SIDNEY: Be quiet! (kneels down and sets the bag down on the ground. He gently opens it and takes out a sharp pine cone and looks at it for a while)

ELIJAH: Why did you bring pine cones?

SIDNEY: Well, I didn’t want them in my yard. (chucks a pine cone right at Zach’s window and screams) Hey!

ELIJAH: What the hell?!

SIDNEY: (continues pelting Zach’s house with pine cones) Hey! (shouts louder) Hey, Zach!

ELIJAH: And you tell me to be quiet! We’re going to get in trouble for disturbing the peace!

SIDNEY: No, and seriously, shut up.

ELIJAH: What?! And how do-

 

Enter Zach by his window

 

ZACH: (yells from his window) What is going on down there?!

SIDNEY: Hey d****e ball! Give me back my money!

ZACH: (c***s an eyebrow) What?! D****e ball? Pardon?

SIDNEY: Yes, d****e ball. You don’t get to be a d********g yet. Now I want my damn money, pronto.

ZACH: I don’t have your money yet!

SIDNEY: (pelts a pine cone right near Zach’s face) Well, you’d better pull it out of yourself quick. I’m tired of waiting. You’re overdue.

ZACH: (screams) HEY! That almost hit me!

ELIJAH: (to Sidney) I don’t think this is such a good idea, Sidney.

SIDNEY: Hey, relax. I’ll get my money out of this moron and I’ll get you some food, okay?

ELIJAH: Hmm… (ponders) Maybe. I just don’t want to get in trouble.

SIDNEY: Don’t worry. (yells to Zach) I’ll give you one last chance to return my money, or your house gets it!

ZACH: No! I just finished helping my dad paint it!

SIDNEY: I know that.

ELIJAH: Alright seriously, you’re going to get the cops called on us.

SIDNEY: I’ve already told you, you have nothing to worry about. Hey, I’m going to buy you food afterwards. You’re hungry aren’t you?

ELIJAH: (sighs) Yes, very.

SIDNEY: (throws more pine cones, this time with more force)

ZACH: Hey!

SIDNEY: What?!

ZACH: Quit throwin’ those pine cones!

SIDNEY: Hey, quit bein’ a b***h and pay me back!

ZACH: (flails arms) I don’t have any money to pay you back!

SIDNEY: (sassy) Not my fault. (throws more pine cones)

ZACH: Stop that!

SIDNEY: (shouts even louder) Your resistance only makes my penis harder!

ZACH: (frightful) What the f**k?!

SIDNEY: (says to self) Success.

ELIJAH: That’s it. I’m out of out here.

SIDNEY: (grabs Elijah by the jacket) Wait, stay here a little while longer.

ELIJAH: Why do I need to stay here?!

SIDNEY: Calm down. Jeez. (to Zach) Hey!

ZACH: What?!

 

The neighbors in the building next door grow infuriated and tell Sidney and Zach to shut up with very colorful language, then the neighbors on the other side begin to complain towards everyone.

 

SIDNEY: (feisty) I don’t know. Maybe I just like yelling ‘hey’ at you.

ELIJAH: (irritated) Sidney, they’re probably about to call the cops!

SIDNEY: (to Elijah) Hey, relax, guy.

ZACH: Eh… Hey! I can offer you only one thing.

SIDNEY: Yeah? What’s that?

ZACH: Can I pay you in tacos?

SIDNEY: Tacos?!

ELIJAH: (pays attention) Did someone say tacos?

SIDNEY: Yeah, this chump thinks he can use tacos as currency. Or, hey… wait a minute. (to Zach) Hey!

ZACH: (shouts) Stop f*****g yelling!

SIDNEY: No! Tell me, how many tacos?

ZACH: You could probably make about fifteen.

ELIJAH: Fifteen?!

ZACH: Will that work?

SIDNEY: Hmm… I-

ZACH: Wait! Let me come down there.

SIDNEY: (groans)

 

Zach disappears from his window and hurries down stairs as if he were in a panic. He opens his front door hastily and puts his hands on his knees to try to help catch his breath.

 

ZACH: Yeah, anyways I have a lot of taco stuff. You guys can have it all.

SIDNEY: (shouts) Stop playing games!

ZACH: Ouch! (whines) I’m right here! Stop yelling!

SIDNEY: (screams) No! You’re making me angry! I want my money!

ELIJAH:  (calmly) Hey, you know what? I don’t have to stay here. I can just leave and go back to bed. (angrily) Like I was.

SIDNEY: I’ll give you some reasons why you shouldn’t.

ELIJAH: Yeah, what are they?

SIDNEY: Damn. I knew you’d say that.

ELIJAH: Why don’t you just take the tacos? I’m starving!

SIDNEY: Do you even know what you’re saying? If I were to do that, I’d be letting this a*****e rip me off.

ELIJAH: These mosquitoes are driving me crazy!

SIDNEY: I don’t  see any mosquitoes. Anyway, I can stand out here all night until I have my money. It doesn’t matter to me if there are mosquitoes. And I have plenty more pine cones with which to throw at your house. So we need to come to an agreement right here, right now.

ELIJAH: (exhausted) That sounds good to me. For sure.

ZACH: Fine! What do you want …besides your money?

SINDEY: Hmm… Well, until you pay me back, every cent, you have to be my indentured servant to make up for the interest. I’ve already calculated everything.

ZACH: What? I’m not going to do that!

SIDNEY: You’d better. I have some interesting pictures of you that your mother would not find very pleasing.

ZACH: (angrily) Which pictures, Sidney?

SIDNEY: (sassy) Oh, none really important, just the ones from January… of you looking at things on her computer that you weren’t supposed to… and many others of you doing stupid stuff along with cross-dressing. Your dad would kill you

ZACH: Hey! I was just showing you something… How cruel of you to blackmail me! I don’t want my mom seeing those at least until I move out.

ELIJAH: (apathetic) So, like, when you’re thirty-six?

ZACH: That’s not very nice. Stop being mean to me!

SIDNEY: I have them right on my computer. All I have to do is send them to your mother. And also post them all over the internet. (smiles)

ZACH: Don’t send those pictures to her! Her poor eyes wouldn’t be able to take that…

ELIJAH: One other option.

ZACH: (sighs) Fine. Just please… delete those pictures, okay?

SIDNEY: (sarcastically) Yeah, sure. So now, you have to sign a document. (hands over a sheet of paper)

ZACH: (reads) “I, Zach Cox, as of now, will be Sindey’s indentured servant, and thereby he own my soul, until all debt is paid off in the form of cash or check.” (shrieks) What?! My soul?

ELIJAH: (mumbles to Sidney) And what makes you think he has a soul?

SIDNEY: That’s right. Just sign the paper.

ZACH: This is my soul we’re talking about!

ELIJAH: (yells) Just sign the f*****g paper!

 

The neighbors on both sides begin to complain again for all the yelling and threaten to call the police.

 

SINDEY: Alright, we need to get out of here now. Hurry it up, Zach. I’m growing impatient.

ZACH: (sighs) You have a pen?

SIDNEY: No, sir, I do not, however I do have a frendle. (hands over a pen)

ZACH:  (annoyed) Whatever, Sidney! God, I hate that stupid book. (signs)

SINDEY: Thank you for your cooperation and your soul, not that I ought to thank you. You are now hereby my slave. I’m out of here. Be ready for tomorrow’s labor.

ZACH: I still don’t think that’s fair!

SIDNEY: Welcome to the world of business.

 

Exit Sidney and Elijah & the curtain comes down