Family Reunion

I wrote this when I was 15. There's nothing random about it. Everything in there makes perfect sense.

 Family Reunion

 

Act 1

Act 2

Act 3

Act 4

Act 5

Act 6

 

 

Dramatis Personae:

 

Sidney (a boy who visits his family)

 

The Family:

Old Man (great grandfather)

Mathew (father)

Aunt Mulberry (great aunt)

Jodelet (cousin)

 

Friends:

Elijah (goes with Sidney to visit his family)

Vincent (Elijah’s half-brother)

Vivian (Vincent’s bed partner)

Trunk (an elephant)

Danny (a cynical gay man)

Brett (an effeminate gay man)

 

 

Antagonists:

Herr Glower (a German teacher)

Oompa Loompas (evil minions)

Sasquatch (condescending b*****d)

Casey (a dick)

Rooster (pervert)

Waiter (ridiculous a*****e)

 

Miniscule Parts:

Biology Teacher

Nerds

Strange looking man

The Bee Minions

Stan

Queen Bee

Nurse

News Anchor

News Reporter

Aliens

 

 

ACT 1

 

 

Sidney wants to visit what’s left of his delusional family in an unheard of, beat up town somewhere in England, but is hesitant about it so he’s able to persuade Elijah to go with him for moral support.

 

1:1 (Old Man, Elijah, Sidney, and Mathew)

 

Old Man sits in a rocking chair outside with his hand in his pants, and then Elijah enters.

 

Old Man: (points) See yonder past them trees, sonny?

Elijah: Oh?

Old Man: That’s where I first met your old Grammy.

Elijah: Is that so?

Old Man: Right there beyond those hills; That’s where I first made love to your ol’ Grammy.

Elijah: (strangely) What? You’re not my grandpa.

Old Man: (sighs) Oh Mathew, when will you stop blacking me out? After all these years you still have a horrible memory.

Elijah: I’m not Mathew!

Old Man: Here we go again... You can’t keep changing your identity on me.

Elijah: What? No!

Old Man: First you’re a spy, a CIA agent, a pumpkin named Jason, a woman, and now you’re this “Elijah” person popping back and forth into my life again?

Elijah: (flustered) Wait, what? What are you talking about? You don’t know me!

Old Man: That’s because you won’t let me get to know you. You need to open up to other people and not just field mice.

Elijah: (indignant) Field mice?!

Old Man: Now, as I was saying, I first made love to your ol’ Grammy o’er beyond those beautiful blue hills. I really got my oats.

Elijah: Sir?

Old Man: She had a mouth you wouldn’t believe.

Elijah: (disgusted) Sir!

Old Man: Yes Sir-ee. She was quite the card.

 

Enter Sidney.

 

Sidney: Hey, are you scaring my friend again grandpa?

Old Man: Eh? Who’s there? Let me put on my specs. (puts on glasses) Ah, there you are Mathew.

Elijah: Who’s Mathew?

Sidney: Mathew? That’s my dad. He also went by Otto, R-7650, Jason, and Charlotte.

Elijah: Charlotte?

Sidney: (hangs his head solemnly) Yeah, let’s not get into that right now.

Old Man: She was a Vietnamese prostitute. I found her out back in ‘Nam.

Sidney: Time to take your medication grandpa. Then you need to take a nap.

Old Man: Let an old man tell his story. Now, as I was saying, I took her back to America when the war was over ‘cause she had some mighty pretty b***s.

Elijah: (stands up deliberately) Okay, that’s my cue to leave.

Old Man: Now hold on son, I’m not finished.

Sidney: Then Tortes was born?

Old Man: (waves his finger side to side) Don’t rush me boy. (pauses) Then Tortes was born. Your ol’ Grammy couldn’t take it so she died while giving birth. That’s when I came here to England. He was a big baby for such a small woman. She was at least thirteen years old.

Elijah: (appalled) Gross!

Old Man: Tortes was an odd child. He stayed in his room doing God-knows-what, and hardly ever came out. He was expelled from school because of indecent exposure to another young man by the name of, uh, Tommy was it? (pauses) Then at some part of his life he gave birth to my favourite grandson Mathew. Mathew was a very difficult child. He still is to this day.

 

Enter Mathew.

 

Mathew: Grandpa, are you talking about me again? What are you telling them?

Sidney: (runs up and hugs Mathew) Dad! I’ve missed you!

Mathew: (hugs back) Oh, son, it’s been a while.

Sidney: How are you?

Mathew: I have cramps and my breasts feel like they’re on fire.

Elijah: Can I leave?

Sidney: (puts his arm around his dad) Of course you can’t. (to Mathew) So what’s mum cooking tonight? I can’t wait to see her.

Mathew: (seriously) Honey, I haven’t spoken to your mother in four years. ‘Haven’t heard from her, seen her... She might’ve gone back to Germany when she left.

Sidney: (glumly) Oh.

Mathew: Your mother and I aren’t on good terms.

Old Man: (points) I wouldn’t be either if I was a woman who’s husband-

Mathew: (boldly) Don’t! Don’t start that!

Old Man: Mathew, Mathew.

Mathew: (shouting) Don't Mathew me, just don’t Mathew me!

Sidney: Stop fighting, please.

Mathew: (shouting) You start it, grandpa, you always start it! You never loved me!

Sidney: That's enough, come on. Not while I'm visiting. Or should my friend and I just leave now?

Old Man: No! You and your weird little friend stay.

Elijah: (outraged) I'm weird?!

Sidney: (to Old Man) I don't know. What I really came here for was to spend some time with my dad.

Mathew: (hostile) See? At least my son loves me.

Old Man: (yelling) Mathew, dag-nab it!

Sidney: (rushes) Okay, okay, dad-

Mathew: (calmly) Yes?

Sidney: Are you free tomorrow?

Mathew: I believe so during the day. I see my psychiatrist at five and I go to work at The Blue Room at eight.

Sidney: (puts his hand on his own forehead) The Blue Room?

Old Man: (spiteful) It's a bloody-

Mathew: (yells) Shut up, grandpa! (to Sidney) Now, son, sweetie, you call me tomorrow anytime, alright? We'll do something.

Sidney: Alright, well me and this handsome gentleman here- (jabs Elijah)

Elijah: Cut it out!

Sidney: -are going to head out back to our hotel. I'll see you later. I love you. And thanks for coming out of your room.

Mathew: (grins) Oh, anything for you doll. (winks)

Sidney: Bye!

 

Exit Sidney and Elijah.

 

Mathew: I hate you grandpa.

 

Old Man growls and grabs a beer.

 

 

1:2 (Elijah, Sidney)

 

Elijah’s outraged as he and Sidney walk to their hotel.

 

Elijah: (shouts) I can’t believe you!

Sidney: Me neither. I’m just that cool.

Elijah: Sidney! (shakes head) And you ridicule my brother. What about Mathew?

Sidney: What about Mathew? (pauses) Oh, that’s different. You see, my dad got a sex change. Vincent’s just a guy in a dress.

Elijah: I’m going to kick your a*s!

Sidney: Oh come on, you know I’m just trying to get a rise out of you, wimp.

Elijah: Okay, tell me something.

Sidney: What?

Elijah: (bluntly) What the f**k is wrong with your family?

Sidney: Well, my great grandpa used to be a child molester and he’s also a Vietnam veteran; My grandpa Tortes was a schizophrenic; And my dad, well he’s always changing. Nothings ever the same with him. That’s why he’s never boring to be around. He’s on a mission to become a man again, but I don’t think they’ll let him.

Elijah: Jesus, you seem like the only normal person in your family. I never thought ‘Sidney’ and ‘normal’ could be in the same sentence.

Sidney: Well, what about you? You and your transvestite brother have different fathers. Vincent hates your dad. And your dad blames everything that goes wrong on Vincent. Jeez, I really feel sorry for the guy sometimes.

Elijah: Sidney, just shut up.

Sidney: Just stating the obvious.

Elijah: (annoyed) Just shut the f**k up, will you?

 

 

1:3 (Elijah, Sidney, Herr Glower, Oompa Loompas)

 

Sidney and Elijah are in Mathew’s work place, The Blue Room. They watch as people all around get smashed. Herr Glower is in the background lurking.

 

Elijah: Hey, who’s that lurking over there?

Sidney: (squints) I think that’s Herr Glower.

Elijah: (afraid) Why would he be here in The Blue Room?

Sidney: You know what? I think- (outraged at the thought) I think he’s stalking us!

Elijah: That stirs fear deep within my heart. He has a look in his eyes like he’s possessed.

Sidney: What is he doing all the way out here? Doesn’t he have a class to teach in America!?

Elijah: He glares at us as he lurks. He must be conspiring against us.

Sidney: (shouting) Damn it, Herr Glower! We can see you!

Herr Glower: Ach weh! (shifts his eyes) They’re on to me! (back flips and hurls into the darkness)

 

Exit Herr Glower.

 

Sidney: (appalled) What is his problem?

Elijah: (nervously) This gives me a fright. Let’s get out of here.

Sidney: (searches around) We’re not leaving until I find my dad.

Elijah: But your dad’s probably busy. He’s working. (pauses) She’s working. (points to a flier) And apparently it’s Drag Night... Whatever that means.

Sidney: (looking side to side) Just ask your brother, mate. (grins deviously) I think he of all people will be able to crack that code.

Elijah: (outraged) Hey!

 

(Enter Herr Glower) Herr Glower jumps in front of them, puts on a top hat, takes out a cane, and sings.

 

 

Herr Glower:

Come with me and you’ll be in a world of pure imagination.

Take a look and you’ll see into your imagination.

We’ll begin with a spin travelling in the world of my creation.

What we’ll see will defy explanation.

 

Sidney: (yelling in fright) Second thought, we’re leaving this instant!

Elijah: I concur, sir!

Herr Glower: Halt. (blocks the exit) You’re not going anywhere. (summons oompa loompas) You pale to the comparison of my oompa loompa ninja minions.

 

Enter Oompa Loompas.

 

The Oompa Loompas: (chant)

Oompa Loompa, oompady-do, we’re going to annihilate you.

Oompa Loompa, oompady-do, we’re gonna teach you German too.

 

Herr Glower:

            Close your eyes

            Make a wish

            Count to three

Let the games begin. (gets in his karate stance)

 

The Mortal-Kombat-Esque song starts playing to present a BIG KARATE FIGHT SCENE!

 

When the fight is over, the oompa loompas writhe in pain on the floor.

 

Herr Glower: (points at Sidney and Elijah) You’ll suffer a painful test!

Elijah: (shakes his fist) Damn it, you fiend!

Sidney: I’m not in your class anymore. I graduated.

Herr Glower: (very serious face) This is not over. I’ll grade you on something once I have you in my clutches. I don’t know what it is yet, but it will not be pleasant... The Listening Comprehension... and you’ll receive an F!

Sidney: Oh, bring it.

 

Herr Glower half-way puts on a gorilla suit and makes a menacing face, then beats his chest and shrieks running out. (Exit Herr Glower)

 

Sidney: (wide-eyed) Damn. Elijah, get my camera. I’m going after him.

Elijah: Okay, I’m just going to wait in here. It’s positively frigid out there.

Sidney: I’ll be right back!

 

Exit Sidney.

 

 

ACT 2

 

 

2:1 (biology teacher and students including Trunk)

 

At the community college in Iowa City, a biology teacher will give a lecture on the origin of the Sasquatch. Trunk is one of the students. The students take their seats and prepare to take notes. The biology teacher paces around wondering where to start.

 

Biology Teacher: Today’s lecture will be a bit scientifically unorthodox. I’ve been involved in a scientific study on the mysterious creature known as the Sasquatch.

 

The students look at one another not knowing what to think of this.

 

Biology Teacher: Have you ever wondered about the origin of the Sasquatch? (pauses) I have. The myth of the Sasquatch has been proven and I’d like you to take notes on the lecture I’m about to share with you.

 

The biology teacher puts on his glasses and clears his throat.

 

Biology Teacher: Deep within the Iowan cornfields, a hideous creature was spawned. His face was so reprehensible, that it killed his poor mother the moment she laid eyes on him. Ever since, his father left him there in the cornfields, ashamed of the hair covered baby. The neglect his father gave ultimately lead to what he is today: a menacing Sasquatch.

                        It is a mystery as to the origin of the Sasquatches. According to cryptozoologist Dr. Ailment, “The Sasquatch trait is a recessive trait that lies in the first four chromosome sets we call the ‘Sword Gene’ or ‘Sasquatch Slayer Gene.’ In this case, the Sasquatch gene is beneficial because this allows the female to better know her Sasquatch prey.” Many microbiologists disagree with him, however.

                        One factor of the Sasquatch is the inferiority complex. Since they are looked down by society, Sasquatches feel obligated to compensate for their hairy affliction. The missing link beasts will talk down to humans and mercilessly assault them with their condescension. They will even attend public schools and universities. Sasquatches intend to become superior to humans and they will continue their inferiority complex induced terror until they accomplish this.

                        Since after World War II, Sasquatch attacks have increased at an alarming rate. Many groups of people such as the Jews, gypsies, and handicapped people were victims of the Holocaust, including Sasquatches. All species of Bigfoot are still bitter to this day about their persecution from the Nazis, but they blame all humans for their pain and suffering. Many people have turned to religion to cope with their Sasquatch encounters. There are several accounts of assault and battery, stalking, burglary, and even abduction cases that Sasquatches have performed.

                        One of the most impressionable stories of a Bigfoot encounter was in Zhejiang, China around 1957. “On a May afternoon in the sparsely populated Chinese province, Xu Fudi heard her young daughter screaming. The girl had been tending the family’s cattle, and Xu Fudi hurried to see what had happened. She was startled to see her daughter struggling futilely in the powerful arms of a young Yeti- the Asian version of Bigfoot. Xu Fudi rushed at the Sasquatch with a stick of wood and began to beat the creature. It tried to escape through a paddy field, but was slowed by the thick mud. More women from the village joined Xu Fudi in beating the creature to death. So terrified they were of this strange creature that they cut its carcass into pieces. Eerie cries of morning were heard from the hills the next day.” *

                        The Sasquatch is not a friendly creature. It may act friendly at first, but if one can see through it’s false front, he or she will see that it’s concocting a devious plot. Whether it is a stalking crime or assault and battery, anyone who lets this ape man become close to them, will rue the day he or she ever saw it’s opossum-like face. The most common victims of Sasquatches are defenceless women and short gay men. The children however will be safe. Researchers concluded that Sasquatches don’t seem to be attracted to them. People across the world must beware of Sasquatches for no one knows where they may strike.

 

The biology teacher adjusts his glasses and looks up at the class. They are all in apoplexy.

 

Biology Teacher: Any questions?

 

The students look at one another’s baffled faces. They think their teacher has gone insane.

 

 

2:2 (Sasquatch, 3 Nerds, Sidney, then Trunk and Danny)

 

The Sasquatch and his friends come out from a lame European anime convention. Meanwhile, Sidney walks around in search of Elijah because he forgot him at The Blue Room. And as he does, the Sasquatch and his friends end up walking in front of him at a slow pace, in addition they’re evenly spaced out on the side walk so Sidney can’t get by his c**k-licking a*s.

 

Sidney: (talking to himself) Wait until ol’ Elijah gets a load of these f****n’ pictures. God damn, I’m such an a*s. I wonder if he’s okay.

 

Enter Sasquatch and two nerds.

 

Nerd #1: That anime convention was remarkable!

Sasquatch: (smug) I’ve been to better.

Nerd #2: (irritated) Damn it, Kyle. Why do you have to ruin everything for us?

Sasquatch: (smug) I don’t ruin anything. Your inferior minds do.

 

Enter nerd #3.

 

Nerd #3: Hey, check out my new trench coat. It’s brilliant!

Sasquatch: That’s not a trench coat. It’s just a coat. You know, what I don’t understand is why people even wear coats for anything other than fashion. I notice in the winter everyone wears a coat. Elijah wears a coat even when it isn’t winter because he says he’s cold.

Nerd #2: (irritated) That’s enough.

Sasquatch: Elijah isn’t adapted enough for this environment.

Sidney: (appalled) Hey, b***h!

 

Sasquatch turns around with a baffled look on his hideously hairy face.

 

Sasquatch: What? Are you talking to me?

Sidney: (forcefully) Yes I am, you f*****g c**k-sucker. What did you say about Elijah? Do I need to hand you your a*s on a platter?

Sasquatch: (smug) Calm down, mere passer-by. All I’m saying is that according to Darwin’s theory of evolution, and survival of the fittest, Elijah and his future off-spring aren’t fit enough for this environment. Why wear a coat when it isn’t cold at all?

Sidney: Because we’re humans. We can feel heat and cold you hairy missing link mother f*****g Mongoloid b***h.

Sasquatch: (anxious) Hey! There’s no reason to-

Sidney: (blasé) Eat s**t.

Sasquatch: (smug) There is no reason to swear. Now, meagre human, if you do not mind, we’re going to a party that you can’t come to so-

Sidney: I wouldn’t want to go to some Star Trek convention anyways. (laughs hysterically)

 

Sasquatch tries to start a fight with Sidney. Enter Trunk robustly and punctually, and enter Danny casually.

 

Sidney: (to Trunk) Hey, Zach, this b***h is trying to start a fight with me!

Trunk: (is angered at this, but calmly) Is that so? Well, you mess with my friends, you mess with the tusks.

 

Trunk impales the Sasquatch and b***h slaps him with his trunk:

 

KAH-TRUNK!

 

Sasquatch lies unconscious and the nerds run off frantically in all directions screaming.

 

Sidney: Wait a minute. What the hell are you guys doing in England?

Trunk: Danny and I came for the live performance of Hamlet.

Sidney: Well, have fun with that. I lost Elijah at The Blue Room so I have to go.

Danny: Have a delicious night.

 

 

2:3 (Old Man, Mathew, Sidney, Elijah, and Aunt Mulberry)

 

Elijah reads the newspaper when Sidney enters.

 

Sidney: When I came back to The Blue Room you weren’t there. How’d you get back here?

Elijah: I got a ride from your, uh, Mathew.

           

Enter Mathew and Old Man.

 

Mathew: Is it against physics for you to shut up, grandpa?

Old Man: You were an accident when you were conceived and you still are!

Mathew: You don’t know a thing about me!

Old Man: Shut your gob! Shut it! I’ll be brief with you. You’re a freak. You are mad. You are a disgrace to this family. Your wife was right to leave you. You should be institutionalised for the rest of your life.

Mathew: Grandpa! I’m going to kick your face off with my b***h boots!

Old Man: You are the reason babies die!

Mathew: Shut your damn mouth! C**t, I’ll slit your throat!

 

Dishes, plates, glasses, and whatnot are being thrown around.

 

Elijah: I am so confused.

Sidney: He’s just having a relapse or something.

Elijah: A relapse of what!?

Sidney: Meh.

Elijah: (panic-stricken) How can you just say that?! What the hell is going on? Nothing makes sense anymore!

 

Mathew kicks Old Man to the floor.

 

Elijah: (whispers) Do something, Sidney, for god’s sake.

 

Old Man strains to stand up.

 

Mathew: (menacingly) I swear I’ll kill you.

 

There’s a knocking at the door. Everyone freezes.

 

Sidney: (springs up) I’ll get it!

 

Sidney answers to the door. Enter Aunt Mulberry.

 

Sidney: Hi, Aunt Mulberry!

Aunt Mulberry: (comes in) Hi, honey.

Sidney: (closes door) I’d like you to meet my friend Elijah.

 

Sidney walks his aunt over to Elijah. Elijah rises to shake her hand and holds out his hand. Aunt Mulberry’s eyes get overtly big and scary. She grabs Elijah by his arm and her entire body contorts uncontrollably and shrieks in Latin demonically.

 

Elijah: (screams) Holy hell! Get off of me!

 

Aunt Mulberry releases him and collapses to the floor laughing satanically. She pauses, gets up, curtsies, and begins acting normal.

 

Aunt Mulberry: (politely) Nice to meet you Elijah. (gets very demonic again) We shall swallow thine eyes right out of thy scull.

 

Elijah stumbles backwards in anxiety, then shrieks and runs out.

 

Mathew: (filing nails) It’s like he’s never seen an older woman before.

 

 

ACT 3

 

 

3:1 (Old Man, Elijah, then Mathew, Sidney, Herr Glower, then Aunt Mulberry)

 

After taking a swim to relax, Elijah comes back to the house to find Sidney.

 

Old Man: Hey, there sonny. What do you want?

Elijah: I’m looking for Sidney and his dad... I mean his... (shakes head) never mind.

Old Man: Well, they aren’t here right now. It’s just you and me.

Elijah: I see. Do you know where they might be?

Old Man: I don’t know, but you look awfully wet there boy.

Elijah: I’ve been swimming. You know, to relax and whatnot.

Old Man: Perhaps you aught to slip out of those clothes and put on something drier.

Elijah: That’s alright. It’s just my hair that is wet now.

Old Man: (aggressively) But I insist. Come on, take your clothes off.

Elijah: But I...

Old Man: (hysterical) Take them off now or you’ll catch a cold! You don’t want that now do you!? Stop whining and stand naked before me!

Elijah: (fearfully) No! What is wrong you people!?

Old Man: (unbuttons his shirt) Elijah, come into my room with me first.

 

Elijah is unsure about this, but he follows the old man into his room because he’s a young naive fifteen year old.The door locks behind him.

 

Old Man: Do you believe in god?

Elijah: Who needs to know?

Old Man: (bellows) Answer me boy! There’s no time to dilly dally around. (screams) Get your finger out!

Elijah: What?!

Old Man: So do you pray to him? (pauses) On your knees?

Elijah: That’s it. I’m out of here. (tries to leave)

Old Man: You’re not leaving.

Elijah: You know, Sidney could get here any minute. Then when he finds out what you’re trying to do to me, he’ll call the police, and you’re going to be in big trouble, a*****e.

Old Man: That won’t be so.

Elijah: How can you be so sure? The cops will believe him, not you.

Old Man: I didn’t mean about that, fool.

 

Old Man opens a closet to reveal Sidney and Mathew tied up and gagged! Shock, horror, dread!

 

Elijah: E-gads! (frantically tries to find a way out)

Old Man: That’ll do you no good. (unzips his pants)

Elijah: (screams) You sick f**k! (starts crying)

 

Herr Glower smashes through the ceiling right on top of the old man.

 

Herr Glower: (throws his hands up and announces as lightning and thunder clash together) Your souls are mine!

 

He grabs Elijah and then Sidney from the closet and stuffs them in his purple chocolate carrying bag. Then he throws himself out of the window (loud shattering glass sound). Silence. (Enter Aunt Mulberry pathetically) Mathew unties himself. He takes his big high heeled shoe and chucks it at the old man.

 

Mathew: I hate you grandpa.

 

A dead bird falls out from under Aunt Mulberry’s dress.

 

 

3:2 (Danny, Trunk, and a strange looking man)

 

Danny and Trunk are at the Theatre. An Italian opera singer finishes his last few notes. He takes a bow and the curtains close. Moments later, a strange looking man comes out from behind the curtains.

 

Danny: (observes) That’s a strange looking man.

 

Danny and Trunk are sitting in the balcony. Danny is falling asleep and Trunk is sitting upright with a nonchalant expression on his face. They have been waiting for Hamlet to be performed for about an hour.

 

Trunk: Perhaps this strange looking man is going to finally introduce Hamlet?

Strange looking man: (mysteriously) Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for a most chipper play that will cram Christmas spirit in all our hearts. This play, ladies and gentlemen, will give a new meaning to Christmas. It will make families come closer together and learn to love each other unconditionally, no matter what they do in bed.

Danny: (anxious) Hey Trunk, I think this is the wrong theatre.

Trunk: (leans over) Hm?

Danny: I think that this is the wrong theatre!

Strange looking man: They will focus on the good in people rather than the evil and perversion that lies in their souls.

Trunk: Well, this certainly doesn’t seem like Hamlet.

Strange looking man: (enthusiastically, and with emphasis) Tonight, you will see a young man, oppressed by religion, whose family turns their backs on him for the things they find unacceptable. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, “The Christmas Spank.”

Danny: Definitely not Hamlet!

 

Trunk puts his hand on his chin profoundly.

 

 

3:3 (Two Oompa Loompas, Sidney, and Elijah)

 

Elijah: (rubbing his forehead) My eyes strain to open. I’m in a dark place unknown to me, chained to my sleeping friend. Sidney, wake up!

Sidney: What? Where am I? I don’t remember going to sleep.

Elijah: We’re inside of a crate. This is quite a big crate.

 

They hear oompa loompas chanting as they pick up the crate and carry it off the ship.

 

Elijah: We’re being carried away. Where are we going?

Sidney: Let me out! I have claustrophobia! (shrieks)

Oompa Loompas: (sing angrily)

            Oompa loompa shut the f**k up,

            or you’re gonna feel my fat throbbing c**k.

 

Sidney and Elijah look at each other stunned and frantically try to get out.

 

Oompa Loompas: (sing)

            Oompa loompa, oompady-dee,

            if you are wise, you’ll listen to me.

Oompa Loompa #1: (sings)

             What do you get when you have a big dick?

Oompa Loompa #2: (sings)

            Two little f*****s spinning on it.

Sidney & Elijah: (sing)

            I don’t like the look of it.

Elijah: [oompa loompas continue singing in the background] There’s no way out! I know who is behind the now! There is only one man who would have oompa loompas do his bidding. Whoever it is can be none other than Herr Glower!

 

Sidney begins to cry.

 

Oompa Loompa #1: (sings)

            What do you do to these f**s to be cruel?

Oompa Loompa #2: (sings)

            Hold them down well and threaten them with power tools...

Oompa Loompas: (sing)

            Oompady-da!

Elijah: Why are you crying?

Sidney: (sobbing) Because I don’t have any of my medication with me. (cries in his hands)

Elijah: You don’t? Oh god! (cries) Why do I have to be chained to this crazy man?

 

 

ACT 4

 

 

4:1 (Herr Glower, Sidney, and Elijah)

 

Herr Glower has captured Sidney and Elijah and now they’re in his new beehive empire surrounded by oompa loompa guards.

 

Herr Glower: I see my oompa loompa minions were successful in your capture. Look around and witness my lair. As you can see, it is a beehive. Devious, isn’t it? No soul could be suspicious of a beehive. (laughs maliciously, then frowns) You two will be my German-chocolate taste testers. This is for a grade, I’ll have you know. Make sure my subconscious mind didn’t cause me to act on poisoning it. The oompa loompas will escort you to the chocolate room.

Elijah: Chocolate! Are you trying to make me sick?

Sidney: Bah! Who doesn’t like chocolate? Freak! That’s really sad.

Elijah: Chocolate really does make me sick. I can’t stomach it.

Sidney: You know what? You make me sick.

Herr Glower: Enough! If you do not eat chocolate, then you may smoke it, bathe in it, whatever.

Elijah: Um, who smokes chocolate?

Sidney: Are you keeping something from us?

Herr Glower: No! (frowns) Very well. Then you both may be my personal assistants.

Sidney: (cries in agony) Why has god forsaken me!?

Elijah: Shut up, Sidney!

Sidney: Go suck a chocolate bar!

Herr Glower: (yelling) That’s it! Oompa Loompas! Get these men proper attire and send them to the chocolate room! (to Sidney and Elijah menacingly) I hope you’re not allergic to bees.

 

4:2 (Sidney, Elijah, 4 Oompa Loompas, and a Bee Minion)

 

Sidney and Elijah are forced to wear lame yellow and black striped jump suits. They sit at a table with four sinister oompa loompa guards holding cattle prods. On the other side of the room, there are Herr Glower’s bee minions making chocolate in an assembly line. Then one of them hauls over a wheel barrel of chocolate to Sidney and Elijah. On the way, he trips over his feet and he and the wheel barrel of chocolate spin out of control into a river of honey.

 

A Bee Minion: Curse you, my own two feet!

Oompa Loompa #1: (outraged) You scrum-diddily-fucked up this time. Can’t you do anything right?

Oompa Loompa #2: No, they’ve got honey lodged so far up their bumble rectums, they can’t even walk straight.

Bee Minion: Hey!

 

All the oompa loompas laugh at his expense.

 

Oompa Loompa #3: Pipe down, bumble b***h.

Oompa Loompa #4: You know what? He looks kind of flammable.

Oompa Loompa #2: Very flammable. Let’s set him aflame!

Oompa Loompa #3: Let’s get the naphtha!

Oompa Loompa #1: I’ll stay here and watch these little piggies.

 

Exit Oompa Loompas craftily into background. [(Background) The three oompa loompas who set out to gather naphtha and torches are seen trying to light the injured bee minion on fire, chasing him around, and eventually beating the crap out of him throughout the rest of the scene.] Oompa Loompa #1 smokes a cigar.

 

Sidney: I knew Herr Glower had oompa loompas, but I didn’t know he had moronic bee slaves.

Elijah: Maybe they want to learn German really bad.

Oompa Loompa #1: When Herr Glower conquered this beehive, he conquered all them too. Because of this, we aren’t stuck making chocolate anymore. Unfortunately now all the chocolate taste like honey.

Elijah: But if oompa loompas are better at making chocolate, then why are the bees put in charge of that operation?

Oompa Loompa #1: See how that bumbling jack a*s tripped over his own feet?

Sidney: Ha! Yes.

Oompa Loompa #1: They’re all like that; clumsy, honey brained f**k-wits. Whatever mission they’re on, they blow up half a city in attempt of success. But oompa loompas are skilled in karate, and we have small hands.

Elijah: Shouldn’t there be a queen bee?

Oompa Loompa #1: Ah, yes, the Queen? She’s arranged to marry Herr Glower Morgen Abend.

Elijah: (whispers to Sidney) Sidney! We can’t let Herr Glower and Queen Bee get married!

Sidney: For her sake.

Elijah: (whispers) And in addition, Herr Glower will become a king and gain royal power.

Sidney: Damn it, Herr Glower! Stop breathing my air! (whispers) I’ll see to it that Herr Glower doesn’t gain that throne.

Elijah: (whispers) And how do you plan to do that?

Oompa Loompa #1: I’m sure the Queen has something up her sleeve. She hates him!

Elijah: Hey! Are you eavesdropping? How rude!

Sidney: (blasé) Now we’re going to have to kill you.

Oompa Loompa #1: No! Please! Spare me!

Sidney: (covers the oompa loompa’s mouth) Shut up! Shut up, you orange s**t deposit!

Elijah: But we’ll spare your life if you help us escape from here.

First Oompa Loompa: Okay! I will! You just need to give me some time. I’ll need to think of a successful plan to where I can cover my tracks.

Elijah: Deal?

Oompa Loompa #1: Deal! (shakes hands) By the way, my name’s Stan. I’ll escort you two to your cell if you’d like since some minions have huge cancerous tumours of incompetence.

 

 

4:4 (Queen Bee, Herr Glower, Nurse, Jodelet)

 

In the Queen Bee’s lair...

 

Herr Glower: My Queen, what dress will you be wearing for the ceremony?

Queen Bee: I haven’t decided yet.

 

Thud.

 

Herr Glower: What was that?

Queen Bee: What was what?

Herr Glower: I heard a peculiar sound.

Queen Bee: I didn’t.

Herr Glower: Are you sure?

Queen Bee: Positive, I heard no such thing. Are you feeling well?

Herr Glower: I feel fine, your majesty.

Queen Bee: No, no. The honey combs must be getting to you. You look terribly ill. Nurse!

 

Enter Nurse.

 

Nurse: Yes, your highness?

Queen Bee: Take this man to get proper medical help in the sick room.

Nurse: Right away.

Herr Glower: Please, this isn’t necessary.

Queen Bee: Oh, trust me. It is.

 

Thud.

 

Herr Glower: See? There it goes again! What is that infernal racket?

Queen Bee: Like I said, take him to the sick room immediately!

Nurse: Yes, your majesty.

Queen Bee: Good. And keep him there until I say when.

Nurse: Yes, your majesty.

Herr Glower: When I come back you need to come to a decision about your attire.

Queen Bee: (yelling) What are you waiting for, Nurse? Get him out of here! Don’t you see how sick he is?

 

Exit Nurse and Herr Glower.

 

Queen Bee: (pauses) He’s gone. Come out!

 

Enter Jodelet from a closet.

 

Queen Bee: That was too close, you hear? Too close!

Jodelet: My apologies, your glory. I’m an assassin, not a spy.

Queen Bee: You need not remind me, dear. Because you’re my assassin.

Jodelet: I’ve travelled all the way from the other side of France to behold this honour. I will not fail you, madam.

 

 

Scene 5 (Sidney, Elijah, and Stan)

 

Later that night...

 

Elijah: Please tell me there’s a bathroom in here.

Sidney: There are four corners.

Elijah: I am not going in a corner.

 

Enter Stan.

 

Stan: How are you gentlemen this evening?

Sidney: Bad.

Stan: Why’s that?

Sidney: Elijah keeps whining.

 

Elijah crosses his legs and moans in agony.

 

Sidney: For god’s sakes, is there a nearby bathroom?

Stan: Ah, yes. There’s one right down the hall. (opens the cell)

 

Elijah runs out.

 

 

4:6 (Elijah, Oompa Loompas, then Queen Bee, and Jodelet)

 

Elijah walks down the hall and is stopped by some oompa loompa guards.

 

An Oompa Loompa: Halt. Where do you think you’re going, prisoner?

Elijah: (cringes) Bathroom... Where’s... the bathroom?

An Oompa Loompa: No bathroom privileges. Do you have a pass?

Elijah: Can’t... hold... on... much longer.

An Oompa Loompa: Get back to your cell, scum.

Elijah: I’ve had it with you little imps!

 

Elijah unzips his pants and urinates all over the oompa loompas. The oompa loompa become incinerated as Elijah’s urine hits them.

 

Elijah: (awed) Sidney would never believe this!

           

Elijah passes a room and overhears a conversation from behind the door:

 

Queen Bee: Do you think it’s really necessary to blow up the entire bee hive?

Jodelet: But of course! We will be safe in the clock tower.

Queen Bee: I see.

Jodelet: I’m just curious about when I am to be paid.

Queen Bee: How about right now?

Jodelet: Oh no!

Queen Bee: Oh yes! I want to pay you now!

 

Elijah: Christ! (runs off)

 

 

ACT 5

 

 

5:1 (Danny, Brett, Sasquatch, and Casey)

 

Danny and Brett go camping.

 

Danny: When you get sick from eating all those marshmallows, I’ll laugh.

Brett: No you wouldn’t (kisses him)

Danny: Yeah, you’re probably right.

 

Brett continues eating every food item he comes in contact with.

 

Danny: Wait, wait. Stop eating for a minute.

Brett: What’s wrong?

Danny: Do you hear that?

 

They pause. Brett looks outside from the tent.

 

Brett: Hey, since when did we acquire this really hairy rug?

Danny: Hairy... rug? What hairy rug? (looks outside) That’s no rug, Brett. (looks Brett right in the eyes) That’s a Sasquatch, Brett!

Brett: (apprehensive) Danny, you’re scaring me.

Danny: Goddamn it! He’s everywhere!

 

Danny jumps outside, grabs the rug of hair, and yanks on it forcefully.(Enter Sasquatch) The Sasquatch leaps out from the darknessangrily.

 

Sasquatch: I’ll have my revenge yet, inferior-minded humans! (comes after Danny)

Brett: Danny, look out!

 

Brett comes out with a baseball bat and bashes the Sasquatch in the head. The Sasquatch retreats back into the darkness and Danny searches for a flashlight, but there isn’t one close by, so he attacks a dark shadow. Brett sprays gasoline in the direction of the obscure figure and throws a lit match upon it. The entire figure catches on fire. Then Danny gets a frying pan and whacks it to the ground.

 

Brett: (sighs) Glad we’ve got that over with.

Danny: No kidding. (pauses) Wait a minute. (comes closer to the flames) Um. Brett. (pauses) That wasn’t the Sasquatch.

Brett: Then what was that?

Danny: S**t. (stunned) That my dear, was a Casey.

Brett: A Casey? (scared) Oh. (pauses) Well, if that wasn’t the Sasquatch, then where is it?

 

They both see another dark figure in the distance. Brett shoots a fire arrow in the Sasquatch’s head. The Sasquatch’s body bursts into flames and falls over.

 

Brett: Got it.

Danny: Nicely done. (pauses) Oh yeah.

 

Danny remembers that Casey is rolling around in flames. He grabs a hose and puts him out. Casey stands up despite the severe pain since he has tattoos, which apparently make you a big tough man.

 

Danny: Sorry, Casey. We thought you were a Sasquatch.

Casey: Oh thanks. You meant to do that. What the f**k are you doing out here?

Danny: We’re camping.

Casey: You’re in your backyard.

Danny: Yeah, it’s amazing what you can find in your own backyard. (to Brett) By the way, watch out for Casey. He’s a dick.

Casey: Oh so I’m a dick am I? I have one.

Danny: Most males have them. (looks closely at Casey) Or whatever you are.

Casey: Thanks. Well instead of going to work, I guess I’m going to go to the hospital now.

 

Exit Casey.

 

Brett: What a dick.

Danny: He is a dick.

Brett: Should we tell him he’s heading towards the train tracks?

Danny: Meh. (looks around) Where’d the Sasquatch go? Oh well, whatever. (looks at Brett) Hey. Let’s go into the tent.

Brett: Oh, baby.

 

 

5:3 (Vincent, Vivian, News Anchor, News Reporter, Elijah)

 

Elijah’s half-brother Vincent and his bed partner Vivian are watching television together when a news flash interrupts their show.

 

News Anchor: I have important announcements! A UFO was seen flying away from an explosion in France. Witnesses say it disappeared into thin air. During this time, the Queen Bee and the French assassin Jodelet were wed. Many attended including his cousin Sidney, which were reunited after several years of separation, and dozens of oompa loompas.

Vincent: Sidney’s cousin is a French assassin?

Vivian: Somehow I’m not surprised.

Vincent: Wait, what is Sidney doing in France?

News Anchor: Also, tragedy in the state of Iowa. A young man who had been missing for almost two months now was found last week. He was hit by a train during a battle of wits with what cryptozoologists say had to have been a Sasquatch. The body was identified as Casey Bartholomew. We are live at the funeral and a reporter is about to interview one of the few who attended.

News Reporter: Sir, how do you feel about the death of your friend? You must be devastated.

Elijah: (apathetically) Devastated? Are you kidding? Casey was a dick to everyone. He treated everybody like s**t and had no respect for anyone. I’m just here because I got free plane tickets back to America if I came.

News Reporter: May I ask your name, young man?

Elijah: Piss off.

News Reporter: Well, there you have it. Back to you.

Vincent: (hysterical) Oh my god. My little brother has been in Europe this entire time?!

Vivian: Don’t worry. There could be worse things. And look on the bright side, Casey was hit by a train.

Vincent: (turns to Vivian) You always know how to make me smile. (gives him a kiss)

 

 

ACT 6

 

 

6:1 (Sidney, Elijah, a customer, and a waiter)

 

After attending Casey’s lame funeral, Sidney and Elijah, come to a large cafe to pass the time. Whilst doing so, Sidney obliviously drops a cookie and accidentally steps on it, concentrating on more than whether or not he had dropped a mere cookie. The paranoid thoughts of extraterrestrials befriended Sidney, putting him under duress and leaving him tweaked from insomnia. The two sit at a table, Elijah eating and Sidney twitching. Sidney sees a customer who has just sat down with a baked potato in the table closest to him and Elijah, stands up, and begins to harass him.

 

Sidney: (points) That's disgusting!

Customer: (appalled) It is not!

Sidney: It's atrocious! Throw it away. (waves him off)

Customer: No. You have to make me.

 

Sidney snatches the baked potato and pelts it out the window.

 

Sidney: Thanks for letting me do the honours. Deviant.

Customer: What the devil was that for? I was eating that! That was my potato. By Hell's pruned sergeants, what has gotten into you, my friend?

Sidney: It's not about what has gotten into me, it's regarding what was about to get into you.

Customer: I beg your pardon, mister, don't start with me. I'm not a ponce.

Sidney: I speak of the potato! However, I wouldn't put it passed you.

Customer: You wish to challenge me, monsieur?

Sidney: No! You'd better show me your gratitude. So this is how you treat a man who has just saved your state of living from... (whispers in his ear) them?

Customer: Sir! What's going on here? Are you feeling well?

 

Enter Waiter.

 

Waiter: Excuse me, gentlemen, do you two have a problem?

Sidney: Who is this man?

Waiter: Excuse me! I work here. I'm the manager of the tea department. Alright, I don't know what's going on, but...

Customer: (interrupts) That's what I'd like to know!

 

Elijah stands up and walks over to Sidney and the customer.

 

Elijah: Sidney, what the hell is going on?

Waiter: (yelling hysterically) Can I finish? Can I finish?

 

Silence.

 

Waiter: (to Sidney and Elijah) You two gentlemen need to treat this cafe with some respect! I'm fine with you guys eating potatoes, but if you keep disrespecting... (rambling on, continuously yelling at them) BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...

Sidney: (starts cracking up)

Waiter: How dare you! How dare you make a mockery of this cafe. Look, if you guys have a problem, this is my name (grips onto his name tag for dear life and shakes it in there faces) This is who I am!

Elijah: Rich?

Waiter: That's correct sir, now...

Sidney: (interrupts) So, do you do this to the three-year-olds that come here, throw things, scream, and cry? Do you yell at them? Or do you yell at their parents?

Elijah: Shh, mate! (clutches onto his palpable apprehension)

Waiter: I beg your pardon! (points to the doors) Out! The both of you, get out!

Elijah: Sir, please...

Waiter: Leave! And don't you dare ever to drop a potato OR, this is important: a cookie, upon this floor! I hope you remember that.

 

Sidney and Elijah look at each speechless wondering how this man can put up with himself on a regular basis.

 

Waiter: Leave, you pompous tramps, now, or I'll call out the guards!

 

Exit Sidney and Elijah solemnly.

 

6:2 (Sidney and Elijah)

 

Both walk out the cafe and remain outside.

 

Elijah: Many thanks for getting us kicked out. I hope you have a good reason for that. So are you going to tell me what that was all about, initially?

Sidney: (paranoid) Quiet man! We mustn’t speak of such things out here. Trust no one, for all we know they could be hosts of the bloody devils.

Elijah: (sighs) I think you should seriously see your psychiatrist so she can prescribe you some sleeping medication, mister.

Sidney: You don’t believe me? I see how it is. (folds up his arms)

Elijah: (Throws his hands up and paces around) I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

 

Sidney notices something and stops Elijah.

 

Elijah: (annoyed) What now?

Sidney: (Points and whispers) Look. It’s them.

 

Elijah searches that general direction with his eyes, and then spots what Sidney is showing him. He puts his hand on his heart. The baked potato Sidney had chucked out the window levitates in the air about three or four feet from the grass. It begins to change strange colours and melts into oblivion with a loud sibilance. Elijah fills with fright and Sidney’s heart races. They both run like hell to Vincent’s house.

 

 

6:3 (Sidney, Elijah, Vincent, Vivian, and a news anchor)

 

Sidney and Elijah stampede into Vincent’s house.

 

Elijah: Vincent! Vincent! (runs inside with Sidney)

 

Vincent feels a raid of his living room and saunters over with shifting eyes and notices that it’s Elijah.

 

Vincent: Elijah! I thought you were staying at our mum’s place. Have you been in Europe this whole time? Do you realize how much trouble you’re going to get in with your school? Sidney, I know you have something to do with this. Don’t lie. Something terrible could have happened to the both of you.

Sidney: (Breathes heavily) Never mind that! You’ll never guess the horrific phenomenon that just appeared before us by the cafe!

 

Vivian sits at the kitchen table writing, and exhales deeply at this cliché.

 

Vincent: Darling, how much sleep did you get this week? (puts his hand on Sidney’s forehead) Have you taken your medicine regularly?

Sidney: Worry, worry, worry. Relax! (Backs away from Vincent’s hand in hostility) I’m fine, I tell you! I really saw something this time! And so did Elijah.

 

Elijah nervously taps his fingers together and looks away. Vincent looks at them both and shakes his head. Sidney turns on the television to the news broadcasting channel.

 

News Anchor: There have been sightings of extraterrestrial activity within the small town of Iowa City. Scientists have come to believe that aliens inhabit potatoes. Because of this notion, the United States military will bomb all the potato fields in the country at exactly twenty-two hundred hours. We’re forced to believe the aliens’ main hideout is in Ireland, but they refuse to reply to our warning. We do know that the aliens are able to speak German very coherently.

Vincent: (appalled) How dreadful! All the potato fields? Have they gone mad? Some people want to come home, relax, and enjoy a good potato after a long day at work. Is that so much to ask?

Vivian: (apathetically) Don’t worry. They’ll probably make a potato substitute like they did with meat, and milk, and... (gets cut off)

Elijah: No more potatoes... You know what this comes to? The answer is clear, gentlemen: No more potato chips. The companies will shut down and then... That’s the end of all potato chips. We’ll have nothing left but... (chokes up) corn chips!

Sidney: (drops to his knees and throws his hands up in the air) NOOO! (puts his arms down and slouches) Alright... It’s on!

 

 

6:4 (Sidney, Elijah, and Rooster)

 

The next day they walk along, passing the cafe.

 

Elijah: (glances back at the cafe and sighs) We should find a new place to spend time that won’t have potato hosts of aliens, or that crazed lunatic. Some place that isn’t bog standard. Where ever could we go, my friend?

Sidney: I don’t know, but your brother sure is a f*g.

Elijah: (angrily) Don’t call my brother a f*g, you lager lout!

Sidney: Excuse me for pointing out the obvious. He’s a total fruitcake.

Elijah: (yelling) Stirling f*****g moss, Sidney! You’re such a jerk sometimes.

Sidney: What? He dresses up like a woman. And that guy he lives with... (makes a sexual gesture)

Elijah: (yelling even louder) My brother is NOT GAY!

 

Rooster jumps out from behind a hotdog stand and hotdogs fly everywhere.

 

Rooster: (Spontaneously) Hey! He’s not gay! You know why!?

 

The invisible symphony orchestra gives him a song cue and then begins to play as he begins to sing.

 

Rooster: (sings his very jazzy song):

Everybody is a bisexual!

Everybody has interest to all.

Everybody needs a woman by their side,

Everybody needs a man in their behind!

Everybody is a bisexual,

And that means he’s not gay!

(talks normally and points) And that mean you and you are bisexual too, you know.

 

Long pause of silence. Sidney and Elijah are in apoplexy.

 

Elijah: (strangely) Yeah, I guess sexual assault can go both ways.

Sidney: Alright, first off, who the hell are you?

Rooster: I’m Rooster and I’ll be your stalker for this month.

Sidney: (backing away) Oh no, nuh-uh. You stay away from us. Not only are your sideburns hideous, but you smell just as awful as you look.

Elijah: Yeah, and my mum told me I’m not allowed to talk to people who don’t believe in deodorant.

Rooster: (inching closer) Have you ever seen a gay incubus?

Elijah: Um...

Sidney: (pauses, and weasel an escape) Well, we’d better get going now.

 

Sidney grabs Elijah’s arm and quickly walks away (Exit Sidney and Elijah).

 

 

6:5 (Sebastian and News Reporter)

 

Sebastian: Hi, I’m today’s anchor, Sebastian and this is Channel 9 News. Now, I’m here with a brave news reporter, who has just proven the myth of the Sasquatch.

News Reporter: Hi, Sebastian. I am here as an eye witness to the most recent Sasquatch attack. As you and everyone here at Channel 9 News know, I was out here reporting on the most infamous squirrel farm here in eastern Iowa.

Sebastian: So tell me, what were you feeling when you sighted this hairy beast?

News Reporter: Well Sebastian, I had mixed feelings as most people would. One was that I was in fear for my life, and the other was if I killed this hairy mongoloid, how famous I would be. Back to you.

Sebastian: Now where exactly did you spot the Sasquatch and where is it now? I understand a camera man was able to capture it on film.

News Reporter: Well Sebastian, I was over in an area south of Iowa City and I do believe it was heading towards the city on an old motorcycle. Yes, Tom the camera man did get this horrendous looking creature on tape. I will have Tom put it into the main feed as we are trying to follow the beast back to its place of origin. Back to you, Sebastian.

Sebastian: Wow. This is extraordinary. Would you say the beast is more man-like or more ape-like?

News Reporter: I am not sure. It looked like an ape with all of its hair, but it had sunglasses, an anime t-shirt, and a shabby looking trench coat on, as if he was trying to be human, to fit in. At this point, I am not sure if it is human or ape.

Sebastian: But we do know for sure that it is a Sasquatch, ladies and gentlemen.

News Reporter: Yes, people we know it is a Sasquatch. Knowing this, we advise everyone to stay in their homes especially the female viewers.

Sebastian: Why is this? Is the creature harmful to women in particular?

News Reporter: I can’t be for sure, but I did witness the beast almost wreck the motorcycle at the sight of a female jogger with double D’s.

Sebastian: I see. Well, thank you for informing our female viewers. Are there any other warnings you’d like our viewers to be aware of? What about the children?

News Reporter: As a matter of fact, there is. The beast is very hairy and greasy. The children should be safe. He doesn’t seem to be attracted to them.

Sebastian: I see the police are on pursuit of him.

News Reporter: Yes, they have advised us to keep our distance as they bring this beast to its knees. They have even brought helicopters to ensure the beast is captured.

Sebastian: The Sasquatch has gotten off the motorcycle! Are you seeing this? He has a pedestrian hostage.

News Reporter: I am seeing this, Sebastian. At this point, I can’t tell if the hostage is male or female. What are your views on today’s happenings?

Sebastian: Frankly, I’m appalled. I am simply outraged. There is a dangerous beast waltzing around in the small town of Iowa City and he has a pedestrian hostage. What a story. This situation is getting out of control. Someone needs to stop the beast before he takes more hostages. Back to you.

News Reporter: Well, someone is about to take care of the situation. It looks as if a police sharp shooter is setting. What would you like to happen to the Sasquatch, Sebastian?

Sebastian: I’m not quite sure. A part of me wants it to be captured and sent to a scientific research facility, and another part of me wants it to die.

News Reporter: I have a different view. I just want its head to be blown off so it will be over.

Sebastian: I can’t argue with that. Uh-oh, there he goes! He’s back on the motorcycle and so comes another high speed chase. Tell our viewers what roads he’s headed for to keep children and pedestrians out of harm’s way.

News Reporter: The Sasquatch is headed for California Avenue so everyone, be on alert.

Sebastian: California Avenue, ladies and gentlemen.

News Reporter: The police have laid down the stop stick, everyone. Let’s see if it works.

Sebastian: Here he comes- oh! Yes, he’s run over the stop stick and has wrecked the motorcycle. Now he appears to be evading the police, running like hell headed for Burns Street. That Sasquatch will stop for nothing.

News Reporter: The police have called in the trappers. They have guns and nets.

Sebastian: He looked as if he was a flying hair ball when he hit that stop stick. It’s amazing how Sasquatches can be so fast when they’re so hairy.

News Reporter: Yes it is. I think the trappers are in position. They might have him here.

Sebastian: I hope so. We must put this hazardous beast in its place.

News Reporter: The trappers have caught the beast in the net. What will happen next?

Sebastian: It’s resisting capture. An officer is approaching with a nine millimetre.

News Reporter: The officer unloaded the entire clip into the Sasquatch’s head. Did you see that?

Sebastian: Yes, what a relief. Iowa is safe again.

 

The channel goes to static.

 

 

6:6 (Sidney, Elijah, an alien, angry mob of aliens, and Rooster)

 

Night falls upon Iowa, and the two cross an alien’s path.

 

Alien: MOO!

Sidney: Hey (excitedly) cows!

Elijah: (flustered) That’s a strange looking cow.

Sidney: (peeved) Well, you know what? You’re drunk!

Alien: Take me to your solanum tuberosum fields.

Sidney: Yeah, that cow’s stoned too.

Alien: Incompetent Homo sapiens.

Elijah: Did I hear someone calling me a homo?

Sidney: (defensively) Just because his brother’s gay doesn’t mean he is. (profoundly) Or could it be genetic?

Elijah: (angrily) Sidney, I’ve had it with you. My brother is always nice to you, but all you do is be a jerk back, just like Casey, and look what happened to him. He was hit by a train. So just shut your goddamn mouth otherwise you’ll be hit by a train also.

Sidney: Yeah? Well...

 

Rooster floats down from the sky on a parachute that has a rainbow with a black X painted through it. Then, he lightly lands upon the ground.

 

Elijah: (wearily) Oh, man. Ever had the feeling you’re being stalked?

 

Invisible piano begins a song. The alien observes the human behaviour.

 

Rooster: (sings dramatically)

There are women that like men,

They like women that like men,

They do everything they can

To avoid using their hand...

 

Silence.

 

Elijah: (points) Any particular reason that has nothing to do with Sidney calling my brother gay again?

Rooster: (pauses) Gay? (appalled) Gay?!

Elijah: I know, right?

Rooster: (enraged, gets really red-eyed and scary) GAY?

Elijah: (in fright) Goddamn. (moves closer to Sidney in fright) I think his head’s going to explode!

 

Invisible symphony orchestra gives a song cue.

 

Sidney: (annoyed) Oh, not this blasted song again.

 

Invisible symphony orchestra begins to play. The alien grows irritated. Several other aliens form an angry mob. Rooster puts on a top hat and takes out a cane, then sings spontaneously.

 

Rooster: (very jazzy)

Everybody is a bisexual!

Everybody has interest to all.

Everybody needs a woman by their side,

Everybody needs a man in their behind!

Everybody is a bisexual,

And that means he’s not gay!

(speaks) Come on, guys and aliens, I need assistants for my fifth quarterly strip-tease.

 

Rooster takes off his shirt in a suggestive manner. All the aliens are appalled and go into their space crafts. The space crafts head for their home planet, never to be seen again. Sidney and Elijah are baffled.

 

Elijah: (stunned) Rooster single handily fought off the aliens?

Sidney: Hey, that’s good enough for me.

Elijah: What ever happened to Herr Glower?

Sidney: Hell if I know. Let’s go home.

Elijah: I’m all for that.

 

Exit Sidney and Elijah.

 

 

Fin.

 

 

Stuff:

 

Written by Sebastian Bryant (2006-2007)

 

Stephen, Wagner. “Paranormal Phenomena.” About.com. 2006. 19 Dec 2006

            <http:www.paranormal.about.com>

 

Copy Writes: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Mortal Kombat

 

THANK YOU:

 

Eli Yeaman - Wrote “Everybody is a Bisexual,” especially for this play and, “Women that Like Men.” He put a memorable image of Rooster in this play.

 

Elizabeth Sourivong - Acting out act 6 scene 1 almost everyday for a week with a baked potato during lunch period in a restricted area of City High. She and I experienced a similar situation with a man just like the waiter at Hy-Vee, but I only accidentally dropped a cookie.

 

Zach Onnen - Sat in the park with me one dark night, and helped me write act 6 scene 6.

 

William Readman - Came up with the idea of the very end so I could finally end this play somewhere.