7. The Journal

I was finally getting past my physical bruises and pain, six months had passed all of us by like a light switch turned on and off. Logan had been busy with a new housing project so i had been going out with Cassie who was now almost due to give birth to her baby girl. Logan and i wanted to surprise her with a baby room so we converted two rooms together and made her room and her baby's room one. i did most of the designing after it was finished being built since Logan was off doing his job. 

I was about to turn 22 this year but i hadn't told any one yet. No one needed to do anything for me for my one day of being me. mentally i wasnt sure if i was ready for anything like a birthday. It reminded me too much of my past and that i was not willing to relive. The pain was still there and i had been seeing a doctor for my night terrors and it had been so well. 

Jason had been to court and there was no bond given so he had to sit and rot in his little cell, lost his job and no one would talk to him. He was finally paying for the horrible things he had done to me. Every day was a battle for me to take that next step out of bed. why would i want to get up in the mornings? i had nothing to live for right? 

i had no job, no money to my name, and all i knew how to do was clean and design for other people. 

The morning of my birthday it was quiet out. not even a bird was singing. then the thunderous clouds came rolling in and lights formed a dark picture in the sky. Logan had just opened the door and walked in with a small box. he sat on my bed and smiled as he kept quiet. 

"I didn't tell any one it was my birthday." i said shyly as i held the box in my hands before i opened it

"I know. It's the one day i have never forgotten. there have been a few times i had hoped you remembered your sixteenth birthday. i had never known some one to be so happy in life Rika." Logan smirked as he held my face in his hands

"That was long ago Logan. I'm not the same person. I'll never be that person again." i remarked to him letting out a little venom in my words. Logan sat back gazing into my eyes i felt my body freeze letting him deep into myself. 

"I know that Rika. i never meant i wanted you to be like that i just want you happy, its all..." i cut him off shaking my head

"please Logan don't i can't hear of it right now. you are such a good friend but please my heart breaks when you talk about what could have been." i looked away as he took his hand from my face and he got up from the bed sighing. His heart was heavy i could tell as he left my room, i listened to the door latch softly and shook my head.  Logan would go into his office and hide himself in his work until he could face me again. I wasn't counting but he did this a few times when something between us would click then i would shut him down and push him away. it hurt me to see him like that. I was like his fire that burned so deep with in him but he got burned too easy just by being around me. Why was it so hard to be around each other? How come he let me go so easily in the past and never try to take me away from Jason. 

Why? why did i have all these questions in my head with no answers? how was it that he had me here, we had told one another that we had feelings for the other but I was the only one who was scared to act on it? i moved the unopened box further up onto the bed and went to take a shower to wake myself up for the day. 

i stayed in the shower longer, letting the hot water drip down my naked body, holding myself as i closed my eyes thinking of how far i had come since i first came here. I looked over all my scars that i could see thinking that they had to be with me for the rest of my life. I had to live with the hell i had gone through painfully for 5 years. 

I got out and as i was getting dressed i heard the door bell ring. i peered out the window and saw Dr. Chance standing there waiting to be let in. i got my clothes on and wondered why she was here. i had never seen her here before so i went down and to the kitchen. Maryanne was talking about how much she missed having Cassie in the kitchen to help out. i told her i would take Cassie's place if she ever needed me. As i was helping myself with the dishes i heard Dr. Chance come in and knock on the door. 

"Oh Dr. Chance what are you doing here?" i asked like i had no idea

"oh i stop by every once in a while to check on Logan see how he's doing." she smiled at me and i set the plates down walking over to her

"Did you see him?" i asked her as we walked out of the kitchen and down to the summer gardens

"No he's locked himself in his office again. It's not good for him to do this to himself Rika. I get so worried about him when he is like this." She told me as we sat down

"Gets like what?" i asked 

"Logan has been coming to me since i first started out. his parents told me that he needed help for his depression. it took me two years to get through to him. he had cut everyone off from his life over this girl. He never told me her name, you know to this day he still hasn't told me who this girl that broke his heart's name. Oh well i don't need to know it anyways." i looked at her trying to hide the hurt and anger i was feeling. 

"So what do you think happened this time?" i asked her as i watched the men work in the garden pruning and mowing the lawn around it.  

"i think he had a dream about her again." 

"A dream? i didn't know he.. never mind.." i said and shook my head hoping she didn't notice

"they are the kind that torment him in ways i can never fathom. He is too deeply damaged from what ever it is he can't save her from." Dr, Chance shook her head in a shameful way

"Oh god." i said out loud but didn't mean for it to come out like that

"Rika? Rika what is it?" she asked me but i was caught in a daze and my heart was breaking for Logan. I had never had this feeling before it wasn't a pain i was familiar with and my heart started to throb. I got up quickly and thanked Dr. Chance but told her i had to go. As i descended the stairs from the summer garden Dr. chance called out to me.

"I.." She stumbled over her words as we locked into one another mentally

I nodded my head and knew she understood. I walked in a haste to get to my room to open the box that Logan had given me earlier that morning. i entered my room and the box was still laying there untouched as i had left it. i sat down and picked up the box.

i slowly untied the ribbon from the box and then took the top off and placed it on the bed. there sat a picture of me and Logan at my sixteenth birthday party. I felt myself start to cry as i placed my hand over his smiling face. I had caused him so much pain and never once thought twice about what he really meant to me or what i meant to him. under the picture was a leather journal with my name embroidered on it. I held it tightly to me, i had never had a journal of my own before. this meant a lot to me that he thought it might help me get through my pain. 

I sat and sobbed for a few minutes before i unhooked the strap that bound it together. Inside was a letter from Logan. 

To my lovely Rika,

I don't know how to start this out so i guess I'll just start out by saying happy birthday to you. Second I'm glad you have stayed here with me for so long. It has been a very tough road you have traveled but I'm always there with you and for you in anything you need from me. 

I sit here on the eve of the one day i have never forgotten since the day we met. your smile makes my heart flutter Rika. no matter how much pain you are in, that one simple smile gives me happiness and the will to go on. And for that i hold very dear to me. 

I know this year is a year of mending. i know Dr. Chance raves about you when she and I talk over the phone, and no i don't keep tabs on you she calls me. Rika i am so sorry for the past and all that you had to go through. I regret not being there for you. every day it pains me to be around you because you were the one i couldn't save. the one that i truly loved with all my being and the one i would die trying to keep. 

A part of me died the day you left with Jason. With that ring on your finger. I knew it was over and i never had a chance to be with you ever again. I never got to tell you how i truly felt and when you left i died. I traveled the world for two years, hearing from my sister that you were in such bad shape. I had come back a few times but could never get the nerve up to come save you from what Jason was putting you through. My sister told me everything, from the rapes, to the non- feedings to the selling of your body and the beatings of near death you encountered. i was a coward for not coming for you when i should have. Please forgive me RIka, because i love you to this very day.

this journal i am giving you is for you. You always wrote things down in school and kept them in your locker. that was your journal. your hiding spot for all the fears and loves and happy days you had. so in order for you to heal fully i am giving you this. And when you fill that one up I'll go get you another one.

I don't want you to think that you have to give me anything back in return. You being here is enough for me.

Your true friend

Logan

I sat on the bed and curled up into a ball. I cried for so long and held onto that letter like it was my life line back to reality. The sun had set and the moon had come up. The lights in the house came on and still i never heard Logan once move from his room down stairs. It was around 1 am and i had forgone the dinner that was made and just stayed in the bedroom. I got up when i knew everyone else was asleep and went to see if Logan was in his office. the door was unlocked which was unusual for when he got like this with me. I saw him asleep in his big leather office chair and  face on his arm. I found the blanket on a few boxes and went to cover him up but he caught my hand and looked up at me. It was that dead stare he would give me, like he was lifeless inside.

"Oh!" i jumped as i was startled "I'm sorry Logan i didn't mean to wake you." i told him as my fear was rising. I closed my eyes and got a hold of my self. He was not Jason and He was not going to get mad at me. I had nothing to worry about.

"what time is it?" he asked 

"1 am. i was going to see if you were okay down here. And i wanted to um.." i looked away scared "i wanted to thank you for the present. It was very thoughtful of you." i told him as i looked from his gaze. It always made my heart stop for a quick moment.

"Of course. you are very welcome. why don't you go get some sleep and i will finish up here. I have some more things to do before tomorrow." Logan got up and let go of my arm he held in such care.

I wanted to protest, tell him that he needed to go to sleep but it wasn't my place. 

"Dr. chance came by today. we um had a little talk about you. i think you and I should talk some time." i told Logan as i headed off to the door.

"A talk? uh yeah sure when ever." he brushed me off like it didn't hurt him to see me. 

That night was the first night in my whole life Logan had gotten everything out about his true feelings for me. it was the first night in my whole life i knew what real love was for some one like Logan.

Author's Note

please ignore all grammar and spelling mistakes

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good chapter. I like the conversation and the visit by the doctor. It would be very difficult to overcome abuse and suffering. I like the ending. A positive end to the chapter. I like the pace and the description in this chapter. Thank you.
Coyote

[Dark Angel]

Bond is supposed to be "bail." Bond makes it sound like a personal thing. The feeling you have in this chapter is amazing... Even though it still seems a little rushed here and there, it flows easily. I like the insight into Logan's mind but I still feel like it's too soon for them to be telling each other their feelings... I know when I left my abusive step brothers, I didn't stop flitching and ducking until.... about six years later and I still flitch from time to time when someone raises their hand too quickly around me. I don't think it would be that easy for Rika to to just accept Logan's feelings like that. But I do like how you keep Jason's influence on Rika in the story. She still fears him and that's normal for battered women to feel after such a long abusive relationship.

[sarah]

awww this is sweet

[Rory CJ Frankson]

I can't ignore them lol. They don't really interfere, when it's knowm we are reading creative stream and a draft. It coming along Misty and your characters are getting interesting and gaining more depth and drama.

[Nothing Personal]

Wow Just Great. Love how its slowly developing between Logan & Rika. Your'e not rushing them to do the expected which makes it all the more real, all the more pacy.