Lost inside

Tonight we got into a fight, I wanted to be held and was getting frustrated with him playing and tickling me that my emotions got a hold of me and I ran out of the room upset. I yearn to be held by him, something that I have missed so much since two weeks before my ex husband told me it was over between us. I feel alone and unwanted if I'm not held at night in a spooning type of holding. I was so use to it for ten long years. It made me feel safe and loved.

I have been with Zak for 4 years now and he has been by my side through so much and I love doing things for him but after I was left in was so broken by years of abuse and being used as a slave that I told my self I would never wait hand and foot on any other man I didn't care who they were, they are just as able to do things for themselves. What Zak doesn't see is that I sacrifice so much of myself for him, we do things he wants to do, go places he wants to go, give up car payments and bills I worry about because he wants to spend...I feel like this is another relationship that is all about the guy again and I'm trying to be a tiny bit happy with what small things I have. He wants a huge tv. We don't need it, I understand what it's like to have money to spend, it's a nice change but I need to start doing what is right for my kids because I may not have a home in a few years and will have nothing to show for all the time I worked..I'll be homeless again and I refuse to do that to my kids... I love Zak but I'm not sure I can really be in love with him unless he starts looking at how we are with money and how this relationship is both ways. 

I will not be put into some place where I'm beat down again. Being broken does something to a women who is coming back to her own after so much I'm delacate....I can't break again or I'll parish