My Valentine

She told me she'll be ok

That everything will be fine

I don't have to worry about her

That I should just clear my mind

 

In my heart I know the truth

Certain things will never change

As much as I want to believe her

I can't help but feel strange

 

I can't expect her to listen

I won't expect her to care

But for every single talk we've had

She should know she's in despair

 

Right now as I write this sitting here

She's in the bathroom getting high

Cocain and alcohol running through her veins

It's enough that I want to cry

 

As she does yet another line

In an atempt to kill the pain

She doesn't know how much I love her

As I watch her life go down the drain

 

I cry myself to sleep at night

Frustrated and mad

What can I do to get through to her?

Feeling I blew every opportunity I had

 

Today will be different though

As I make my one last stand

Today I will tell her that I love her

I only hope she will understand

 

As I make my way to her appartment

Thoughts rush through my mind

I know I can help her God

Please don't fail me this time

 

In front of her door I stand

But something's not quite right

The door's already open a bit

I feel my chest getting tight

 

The lights are not on

Not a sound being made

I step inside slowly

I call out her name

 

Silence so deafening

I look all around

As I stepped in the bedroom

I shall never forget what I found

 

Pill bottles on the bed

Cocain and vodka on the floor

An empty syringe

I never knew this before

 

She lay on her bed

With her head tilted left

Not breathing at all

No heart beat from her chest

 

I dropped to my knees

I began to heavily cry

I cursed God profusely

Asking him "Why?"

 

Why take this girl away from me

Or the world at all

What did she do to deserve this?

I would have greatly taken her fall

 

Tears running down my face still

I don't know what to do

I just hold her cold hand in mine

I tell her I loved her and that I wish she had knew

Reviews

[Alessander]

The content is very gripping. You do a really good job of moving the narrative and inserting specifics that put the reader in the scene

However, from an artistic view point (and I know this sounds like a cold-hearted s**t to say), the poem gets a bit TOO sentimental in certain places. One of the oldest rhetorical devices in writing is to state the most personal emotionally charged scenes in a somewhat objective style so as to increase the pathos. It's hard for an audience to feel sorry for a person who says, "Woe is me" but if we SEE the woe and the individual afflicted by in some other way, it deepens the pathos.

So, in that vein, maybe change some lines. For example:

It's enough that I want to cry

She doesn't know how much I love her

Today I will tell her that I love her

I began to heavily cry

In a lot of ways, these lines are repetitive and a bit too overt (from a poetic stand point). Also, you have some lines that are a little cliche:

In my heart I know the truth

Silence so deafening

I cry myself to sleep at night

I know a lot of these lines express deep felt emotions, and stay within your structure, but perhaps some rework is need here and there. I thought it really got interesting when you came to the slightly opened door, and this poem is suffused with a sense of drama that I would like to see refined. Good poem. Hope this helps.

[Autumn Dawn Gorny]

Ooo hard poem(to read at least-been there), the ones we love in the greastest pain, never seem to notice-we do anything for them. Great write Geist.