The Fear of Being Disappointing

There are people who try to be the best in everything because they don't know how not to be. Natalia, who's almost an overachiever, tries to deal her disappointment upon experiencing failure.

5:13 pm 

Natalia's world shattered upon knowing that she failed herself again. 

She felt like her soul was sucked out from her system when she heard that she obtained low scores in her research paper. The research paper that she had spent countless hours to work on. The white walls of the faculty room grew dull and the dim lighting hurt Natalia's eyes. Their Science teacher was talking about her classmates' disappointing behavior and their performance in his subject. Natalia couldn't care less. She disappointed herself. She thought of the times her body was trembling and her hands were sweating from caffeine as she typed through her research paper from scratch.

Natalia was sure she had given her all, including her sanity. But that wasn't enough. She still disappointed herself. Natalia tried too hard not to think about it, but her mind couldn't stop replaying the scenes of sleepless nights, unsuccessful paper defenses, and the low score that came with it. Was effort enough to pull her through the Science subject? Her brain supplied otherwise. Something curled and closed on her stomach. She can't justify her feelings enough. All she thought was she was a failure. A failure. 

Failure 

The word alone sent her into a spiral of worries about how she's going to make it to the honor list. The thought of leaving the first rank for the others to achieve left a sour taste on her mouth. She couldn't bear to disappoint everyone. She couldn't bear to disappoint herself. Natalia needed to push further and further to gain higher grades and break everything she had known. In her mind, she had to surpass anyone, to be the best of the best, to be someone that people wouldn't forget. 

Her friends would always say she's just pressuring herself, but Natalia couldn't find it in herself to care. 

So what was it to them if she cried over a low score on something as big as a research paper? The paper itself was the sixty percent of her grade in Science. Natalia couldn't afford to have her grades from the previous quarter to go down. Natalia has to go higher and higher. Natalia had to push herself more so that her mind would stop telling her that she's just as ordinary as everyone else. 

Natalia's vision, even with glasses, started to blur. It took a second for her to realize it was her own tears, threatening to spill at any time. She tried too hard not to think about her research paper, really, but the disappointment and the frustration took over. As their Science teacher yapped about him giving more of his time and effort to their section than the others, the tears slid down her face, like raindrops on a window. 

At that moment, Natalia analogized her current situation to a figure skater who achieved the first rank for the short program but fell down on the free skate. 

Natalia thought that her paper would get the highest score, content and everything, but it seemed that she lacked more things than what she had anticipated. Her friend deserved the top score and the exemption for the final test, but the demon inside her rejoiced silently as her friend fought for her exemption, due to reasons that she wasn't involved in. Natalia quickly shot the demon down, for she knew, that deep inside there must be something wrong with her paper. But that didn't stop the tears from falling, though. After she received a particular long hug from the said teacher, who noticed her tears, she left in a hurry. The concerned looks from her classmates had forced her to lie that she's easily moved to tears. Everybody brought it. 

It wasn't that Natalia is sensitive, but she had a tendency to cry when something was wrong in her academics. How the hell did she survive this cutthroat year, that was what people didn't know. If they had patiently looked, they may had an inkling as to why. Natalia proceeded to her classroom with tears streaming down her face. She didn't care if anybody saw her. In this world full of wasted efforts, nothing should be cared about. Upon reaching her seat, she promptly broke down. There was nothing her friends and classmates could do as she sobbed despairingly in her hands. Natalia's mind was mocking her for being a failure, a disappointment, a no-brainer. Though everything her malicious mind whispered weren't true, Natalia couldn't help but fall through them. Maybe her mind was right. Maybe she was, indeed, a failure. Maybe nobody cared. 

The memories of her first heart palpitations because of too much caffeine surfaced on her brain. She remembered having an almost panic attacks every now and then because she immediately jumped into a conclusion that she had arrhythmia. She remembered carrying through the final paper defense, despite the heart palpitations, instead of resting at home, like what a self-respecting human should've done when faced with sickness. But she prevailed, for whatever reason to keep on trying and trying.

Then, Natalia recollected that nagging feeling that she might have just bombed her final paper defense. She was asked a couple or five questions (she wasn't sure), but her Science teacher told her that the procedure, analysis, and results on her paper were inconsistent. But was it enough to earn a low score? Was is enough for her to earn eighty-nine over one hundred and fifty? 

Most of you would say it was high, but Natalia begged to differ. 

She knew she could do better than that. She had to do better than that. The tears that rained on her face told anyone that would dare to observe the pressure and stress she had to carry through in order for her not to fail anyone. Those who knew would have said that each tear told a story of her struggles, unknown to everybody. But no one knew her. No one knew why she was fighting so hard. Even if they did, they wouldn't understand. 

After all, how can other people understand if your reason was to best yourself? 

Beating herself wasn't a challenge for Natalia. It was more like a burden, designed by herself to keep on impressing her parents. If other people were awed by her academic achievements, then that's a plus too. She wanted to make her parents proud. She wanted them to tell her, for once, that she wasn't a waste of space and time. Natalia was hungry for her parents' appreciation. For her, it was the best thing she could get in this crappy planet. Her friends didn't understand that. Nobody did. Was Natalia still allowed to call her friends as friends? 

She managed to hold herself together again, and after several assurances from people she called as friends and classmates, none holding sincerity, she went home. The long walk from her school to her house calmed her a little bit. She was munching a chocolate bar when she thought about how her life was at the moment. She had realized that she had nobody to talk to. Nobody for her to share her own troubles. Natalia could laugh and joke all day, but the worries about her academics kept on surfacing during nighttime. She had no-one to talk about it too. That was the first time she truly felt alone. 

But, Natalia muttered as she threw the wrapper to a trash bag, whatever. 

What was it to her if she's alone or not, anyway? She had faced through every dirt the universe had thrown against her, broke down earlier, and accepted nothing from her peers. What was it to her that she's alone? 

No matter, she thought, I can do better than this and I will rise up again. 

Somebody help her. 

Author's Note

Hi! I am Alea. I came to WritersCafe.org to improve my English writing skills. My grammar isn't perfect, and I hope to learn more through this website. If you see a grammatical error, or any error, don't hesitate to let me know.