20 MINUTES

i'm certain this piece needs re-working............and even more certain it needs a song as well!

for twenty minutes...

 

it's a chilly night
i'm still recovering
with a cup of ginger tea to soothe my throat
to soothe my anxious stomach
sitting on the wooden chair
that graces my father's front porch
with my woolen knit cap
pulled down over my ears
my thick charcoal sweater
with sleeves pulled over my red knuckles
my legs tucked in close to my chest
and my breath white smoke against the black night
for twenty minutes...
until it's time
to return to my bed
a sanctuary from a hard frigid earth
where thermal blankets are layered beneath my quilt
to insulate
my icy feet
my frosted limbs
my runny nose
i keep my hat and sweater on
the corner lamp glowing ten watts of cozy
and i'm sinking
slowly drifting
my head slowly swaying thoughts
from the vastness of heaven,
the way it makes me scared.
to the way it brings me calm
and back to nothing again

for twenty minutes,,,,
every hair on my head accounted for
every strand holds love bigger than any love we've ever known

and in twenty minutes
i'll be sound asleep.

Reviews

[Lyrical Love]

I was 'chilled' reading this...I know that frigid MI weather...2well!
I enjoyed this in less than 20 minutes!
Thanks! I love the photography also.
Please read more on my blog;
http://lyricallove831.blogspot.com/

[Caleb]

very, very nice my friend.
"for twenty minutes...
until it's time
to return to my bed
a santuary from a hard frigid earth".

and,

"for twenty minutes,,,,
every hair on my head accounted for
every strand holds love bigger than any love we've ever known

and in twenty minutes
i'll be sound asleep",

are most definitely my favorite lines.
Amazing work.

[RHEA CROSLEY]

Excellent I really enjoyed this. It was like I was transported to being there and left where I was. Thank you

[kurrupted]

KURRUPTED- (AMAZED BY THE CONTENT OF THE WRITE ,THE FLOW AND THOUGHT PROVOCATIVENESS OF THE WORDS,nodding he only smiled and thought to himself) " oscar wilde said The artist is the creator of beautiful things"

[Krishna]

There is a degree of reality in your work that is startling and profound, in a life as it is sort of way. It conveyed a sense of vulnerability and again the theraputic sense of 20 minutes, before bed after an anxious day. Your personality comes out through your poetry very distinctly, with a transparency that I can definately appreciate.

[Boonrassi]

it's a chilly night
i'm still recovering
with a cup of ginger tea to soothe my throat

(to soothe) my anxious stomach

//the to doesnt seem needed.. both words could go though... no biggie.


with my (woolen knit cap)

//bit redundant, using all three words there.


pulled (down) over my ears

//not really needed.


(with) sleeves pulled over my red knuckles

//not needed.


my legs (tucked in) close to my chest

//redundant.. tucked means
in.
tucked close to my chest.


(and) my breath white (smoke) against the black night

//not really needed.
there are some good syns for smoke..


to return to (my) bed

/not really needed.

a santuary from a hard frigid earth
where thermal blankets (are layered) beneath my quilt

//one word there would be so much stronger, have more snap, more potency.
syns for 'spread' maybe.

to (insulate)
it sounds so................. scientific. lol..
syns for swaddle, craddle, wrap..

//
my icy feet
my frosted limbs
my runny nose

//like the repetition here.

i keep my hat and sweater on
the corner lamp (glowing) ten watts of cozy

//glows maybe.. the root is stronger than the weaker 'ing' form.

my head slowly swaying thoughts

/i dont think thats correct english.. the verb sway just dont fit there.
my head sways thoughts..
dont think so.

//i spent some time with that and i cant see a verb to plug in there.
my head slowly verbs thoughts.
tough one.. its just not correct. i know what you want, yeah, a word like 'releases'
syns for that. but you could just rewrite it.

from the vastness of heaven,
the way it makes me scared.
to the way it (brings) (me) calm

//bunch of good words for the weak 'bring'. bear, deliver, other syns..
oh.. all the good words arent in anyones head............im using a thesaurus. you should too. always.

the me isnt needed.


and in twenty minutes
i'll be sound asleep.
strong voice here... nice.

word choice could be cranked up a couple notches. it paints a nice scene. but its a little.................verbose. wordy.
thanks
T

[shel]

i really can't see anything to rework here. the details are good, i can picture everything, feel the textures...the sweater, the cold, the rawness of your knuckles, etc.... it flows and wraps up neatly. :)

[AK]

This is perfect Rachel. No, seriously... this is absolutely perfect. You don't write, you orchestrate memories and sensations and impressions and subtle feelings and hopes and nearly forgotten dreams.
What an amazing gift you possess!

[Monners]

this is great. the feelings are so well spoken for being in cold winter. i like this alot.

[Bubo]

This is lovely.............I could picture you out in the cold, wrapped up, with your hat on.........and slowly getting
tired..........thoughts dimming..........and in a short space of time.........great title.

every hair on my head accounted for
every strand holds love bigger than any love we've ever known

and in twenty minutes
i'll be sound asleep.

This was emotional, the thought and feeling, strands that hold so much love.............