BURN AND SHIVER

i fell under your weight once.
fell into your dismal nothingness.
i was infected.
your nasty self-serving habits.
coffee tables covered in your empty refuge from your life.
but i have been cured.
your surfacing is making me ill.
the nightmare you are inside of me makes me shudder.
you make me shudder.

 

you- with your black coffee,
   bitten red, white and sore crusted nails
       those cracked-out eyes
          just full and filled of violent lies
you've a black hole rotting you from the inside out
you make me shudder.

 

you're gonna end up dead soon i fear.
and i will not be suprised.
you're already halfway there.
you are trapped.
you make me shudder.

 

i broke free.
disengaged and escaped.
you don't live inside me anymore.
you made me shudder.
now eliminated.
here comes the white light.

Reviews

[Lost, n'MT]

This title really stood out to me and I thought to myself, what better way, then to start reading your writing with an "old old school" poem as you refer it to. This is very well written and brutally honest full of emotion. I interpreted this a couple different ways (in regards to who you're speaking about). My initial reaction was that you were speaking of an ex who is no longer a part of your life but clearly had a huge influence in your life (if that's the case, I can just about relate WORD for WORD under that interpretation). I also looked deeper and came across the possiblity of you speaking of yourself (or perhaps of an old friend or family member... a person that once meant a great deal to you and is nothing more than a distant memory of the past in your eyes). I'm going with my initial reaction though, regardless... you had me hooked on every line. I can feel the emotion expressed in this piece and I mean it as a well deserved compliment when I say, this is too real and too good to not be based on a true life experience. Excellent job, look forward to reading more of your work!

[TL Boehm]

wow. Such raw intensity and honesty in this piece - it is almost brutally written - forceful and enveloping - a profound write.
you- with your black coffee,
bitten red, white and sore crusted nails
those cracked-out eyes
just full and filled of violent lies
you've a black hole rotting you from the inside out
you make me shudder.

those lines just jump out at me.

[AK]

You have been places I can't imagine and yet you share those horrible journeys so gracefully and honestly. I admire your strength and determination to live. Life indeed is worth the fight. You have my respect!

[Jon Cooper]

Very nice! This is quite unlike most of what I've read. I love the way you describe things, great wording.

Very good,
Jon

[Jaclyn]

Great purge! Whether you are talking to a lover or to a former version of yourself that almost destroyed you, this "old old school" poem is powerfully worded, the sickened disgust you feel potent and consuming. I feel almost...in a rage when I read this again. You've got the gift, girl!

[Kiri J]

coffee tables covered in your empty refuge from your life.

Damn, woman.
This reminds me of Ben Gibbard's (DCAB) lyrics. Ben Gibbard is a significant reason why I ever picked up a pen in the first place.
I'm so glad I've found your writing. Or you found mine, and I yours by default.
Whatever.
Brilliant.

[Life Inside Death]

How can you always be so descriptive!? You put me to shame lol..This is a great piece [like always] I even shuddered myself at this.

[ummbilly]

wow, that a very raw and power message you wrote. my mother is addicted to meth and I saw a lot of similarities in your words, i think your a poem was well thought out, it was from the heart, i like that. I enjoyed the elimination of the sugar coating and you seemed to say exactly what you felt. It's the only way i believe powerful poems can be given life. i really enjoyed it. i hope she gets better, i know it's something that i pray for, for my mother sake and all other addicts but it's something that is rarely ever seen, is she your older sister by any chance? When you said "you don't live inside me anymore" did you mean the torment she gave you because of you love for her, i need to learn to do that with my mother. She needs your strength to get better, she needs you to beat the disease. i may have interrupted it wrong though. explain if you can. thank you.

[Celtic Cat]

this is so great
i could relate
at last you've found light
now your future is bright!

Letting go is hard, whether a habit, a man, a man with a habit, whatever. Your descriptions don't hiccup, we hear you loud and clear!! This piece is most excellent!! I love it!

[Oz]

This seems to radiate from a wounded heart. It's good to be able to see that someone was bad for you. People come and go...but sometimes, even if the relationship stunk, it makes for good poetry.


i broke free.
disengaged and escaped.
you don't live inside me anymore.
you made me shudder.
now eliminated.
here comes the white light.


Good for you. Just know...not all guys who drink black coffee are bad =)

Great write Rachel.

Cheers,

Oz