anais, c'est si bon

streaming thoughts.

There was this moment when we first met and I can’t let it go. 

I just can’t let go. 

You’re standing there and so am I. 

We’re two people enjoying this perfect imperfect moment together but in completely different worlds. 

You’re young and beautiful and have this future ahead of you and I’m this jaded, lost soul adrift in a storm at sea and longing for shore. 

I’m floating but barely and the waves keep rushing over me and this endless barrage of wind and water and debris is crashing into me, crushing but keeping me alive somehow. 

This endless barrage of wind and water and debris that I see is nothing more than the circumstances surrounding me, all caused by bad decisions and provoked through months and years of insecurities and indiscretions and weakness. 

Then there’s this moment when I look up and the sun comes out with a smile on your face. 

And I just know I’m safe. 

But in the way that reminds me with each second that it could all fade at any second, the clouds come back, the wind picks up, the waves crash with the tide that tries to drown me. 

And I’m standing there waiting but tomorrow never comes. 

I’m just rescued. 

But I can’t help looking back. 

Once you’re in that storm, there’s no going back. 

You’re affected. 

And you effect.

 From that point, you spend the rest of your life pulling and pushing, fighting and hiding, living and dying. 

With every second, with each breath, you lose more and more of yourself. 

Before long, there isn’t much left. 

You’re alive and safe and have this wonderful future ahead but can’t get past the past and all the pain you’ve felt. You’re alive and safe but your own weaknesses prevent you from living. 

You’ve been saved but you’re still dying. 

And this is just how it goes. 

It’s mostly all the same from that point forward. 

So how do you move on from that?

Once you’ve been to the show, you’ve seen the strings. 

And it only gets harder to enjoy yourself over time. 

But not for lack of enthuse. 

But because you’re alone. 

And you know you are. 

You’ve felt that utter lack of completion, that end without anything right or good or true. 

And you just know you’re alone in that endless f*****g ocean and lost in that storm. 

You know when leaves fall, if it means anything, it just means you’re dead. 

You know when snow falls it means your feet just flew over your head. 

It’s just Jamestown, 94-West and a forty hour train back to Penn. 

I can’t pretend I don’t feel the break but I feel the bend. 

I can’t f*****g believe this joke has gotten out of hand. Just get us to the hospital. 

So we can spill and share these quiet things that no one ever knows. 

There’s no set back that can set me back. 

The punch is wearing thin. 

I'll pull the pin and throw it back.

Author's Note

mostly original, borrowing some lyrics from a band i knew back in the day, streaming thoughts and fragmented feelings.

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