The darkness… at first I thought it would drive me insane. For hours upon hours I would sit in the darkness and stare on into what I had seen so many times that it scarcely seemed to exist. Nothing existed. Nothing was felt, for if there was anything to be felt it would only be pain.
I was alone. Not a choice of solitude- but a forced kind of isolation. I was cut off from my world. Torn had taken my identity and destroyed it. It seemed like I just didn’t exist anymore.
Hizake, Kiel, Hakumei… Patches… To them I was dead. I knew there was an option, there were emails I could send to them- but what would that matter? A letter from the dead… What would it mean to them, or do to any of them, besides hurt them? I got rid of my email account. I couldn’t stand that.
Su tried to call me… I blocked out her number and told my parents that I’d broken up with her. If she called them, they told her I moved, or I wasn’t there, or something… I didn’t ask what they came up with.
So in the darkness that was my prison, in the room that had once been my sanctuary, I hid and was confined by my own will. For a month, for however long, when I returned from the dreamlike world of reality to my house I would fall into my self induced coma. I considered therapy, before realizing I already had it. I considered a great many things to regain what I’d lost… but there was no way. Fraze was dead, deleted… he was never coming back.
For so long I lived in that hole, and that darkness, before a decision was made. The next era would see my return, no, my rebirth into cyberpolis. My motivation was unclear even to myself, and I couldn’t rationalize half of the thoughts and the ideas that ran through my mind as I schemed. Whenever I wasn’t consumed by grief and anger I was learning.
I had bought a copy of the cyberpolis spell book. Every spell in the game, no matter how long, no matter how complex, could be found in its pages. I read them all. I weighed their strengths, their weaknesses and the memories they brought to me. I calculated, and considered, and deliberated, before creating a list that I would memorize. Five hundred repetitions of my selected spell a day. By the time I could return it would be flawlessly imprinted on my memory.
I considered statistics. What combination of strength, agility, endurance, and intelligence would best suit what I desired to become? Many long hours brought me to what I saw, for my decision, to be the end-all conclusion. I wrote it down, I posted it on my wall, and for the rest of my imprisonment found it undisputable.
I got a job, for some time. With whatever money I have withdrawn from the other world and what I earned, I had a lot. Still I needed more. I bought a new computer- faster than my old one, and I had it modified and customized until it fit exactly what I wanted.
By then, it was time. The months had passed, and the gates of cyberpolis reopened. I registered an account, and I logged in to the program. Questions came at me- of personal preferences, of experience, and I answered them all coldly and honestly. None of them were the same as they had been the first time. It was not deliberate, I’d changed, and I knew it.
Especially the instant I got to the welcome room, the plain wooden walls stared back at me and I ignored them. Without waiting for the greeter I walked over and looked myself over in the mirror. I liked what I saw. Straight crimson hair fell halfway down my back, over skin so pale I might be tempted to describe it as vampiric. Ever so slightly slanted eyes rested their gaze on me, in a colour that almost seemed to shift between blood red and deep violet. I was by no means frail in appearance- perhaps slightly fragile, compared to my deceased self, but satisfactory otherwise. Even if I was rather short…
My clothes, of course, were waiting on a chair behind me. With my better understanding of the game this time, I took full advantage of every modification option allowed to me. In the end, when I examined myself in the mirror once again, I was smiling. A long black robe fell down to my ankles, tied by a deep purple rope about my waist. The sleeves of the robe fell far past my hands, by a preference. Nobody could stop a spell they didn’t see coming, after all. The robe split front and back about the waist, that I might not trip over it if I were running, and boots that almost reached my knees were visible underneath. To top that all off, images of great wyrm dragons wound one around each arm, and one around my body in a deep menacing red. Yes… I was smiling. That was perfect.
The greeter came and I ever so casually asked to go to Awetum with the precision and air of an experienced player. My request was granted, and my home town set. In no time at all I had travelled to Yanathrea, to the weapon shop most renowned for customized gear. I dropped a bag of gold (purchased through the site with what remained of the money from my jobs over the time in the darkness) and a detailed instructive plan about my weapon. The shopkeeper nodded and took half of the gold, telling me to return in so much time.
I wandered the market and purchased potions, identification items, and the other generic trinkets I was used to having and would need, depleting my gold supply for whatever it was worth. Then I returned to the weapon shop, where the masterful smith and his mage assistant had created my monster of a weapon.
Appearing like some kind of coiled snake it lay on the counter, worth half a year’s earnings and certainly made to the standard I’d expected. It was a metallic dragon, made scale for scale towards realism by the smith. As far as colour it seemed black, but in the light the scales glinted with violet hints. The eyes, closed before I touched it, opened wide and red when I laid my hand on it and it curled about my arm as though it meant to constrict me. Of course, it didn’t. It gripped my arm tightly, almost lovingly, and closed its eyes again to fall into a dormant state. My thanks went to the smith and his assistant as I left.
It was time for a test drive.
Of course my character build was the same as I’d decided, the one posted on my wall. The initial ten stats, seven in intelligence, two in agility, and one in strength. I may have had next to no hit points, and my strength was only just enough to use my strange weapon, but if anything or anyone gave me a chance to cast my spells they wouldn’t live to tell the tale.
The newbie field loomed before me, a specter of my distant past. Years, years had passed since I’d set foot there with any intention of fighting a monster. At first the idea of going through and gaining levels again was maddening- but then a thought came to me. Before, at my sixty something levels, I’d had to level constantly for weeks to gain even one with the necessary experience points… Now, at level one, it might take me ten minutes.
A smile spread across my face as the dragon around my arm awoke from its sleep. Its head rose in front of me, and both of our eyes found a small monster resembling a rabid rabbit at my feet. My eyes narrowed and my smile grew, the dragon lunged downwards and tore the rabbit to pixels. It worked like a charm, and as long as I could find my concentration to use it and cast a spell at the same time, it left my hands free.
That in mind, I made five complex hand signals and whispered a word, pointing accusingly at another evil rabbit. It veritably exploded in something I never could have managed at level one before. My build worked. In time, with the leveling spree I had planned, I would be able to regain my position… no, I would be able to ascend to a higher position than in my last life!
It occurred to me that I hadn’t tried to contact my former friends… but then I decided it was for the best. If I made contact with them and explained everything, then it would only be all too obvious who I was. Besides… they’d probably forgotten me by now. If I let anyone know who I was, all of virus would be at my throat and I would have no advantage of surprise when the time came. After all, I did have plans.
At first, my idea had been to start a rebellion. Forming a group that was allied with neither virus nor firewall had been so tempting- to just see both foolish groups fall in the end, because they both were beyond flawed… but I didn’t have the resources, and they had too much size. I would never be able to gather enough followers quickly enough to have that plan succeed.
So I had come to the final conclusion. I would rejoin firewall, and do what I could to rise among them and delete the virus. All they were, whatever they might think, were hackers. They thought they were fixing the world but they were only trying to dominate it. I saw nothing wrong with slitting their throats, although I could say the same of firewall. My only motivation was that I could devastate him by deleting his comrades as I rose through those ranks… and one day, I might find myself with the perfect justification handed to me; orders to kill him. This, however, was only a chance. It was not guaranteed that I would ever be given those orders.
So I had come to my final conclusion. In this new life, joining virus under this new name might allow me to succeed so far as my ultimate goal was concerned. I had enough dedication to raise through their ranks quickly, well trusted among them and soon enough someone would find themselves with a slight pain in their back, almost like someone had put a dagger there…
I had been reborn, in my own words, to become a demon of vengeance. My mind made itself up about my name, and I typed it in carefully. Noxxan… I was the darkness, I was evil, and vengeance, returned with only one target in mind and infinite patience at my own disposal.
I was going to kill Torn, and there was nobody in all of cyberpolis who could stop me.
***
My insane leveling spree lasted for at least two weeks. The day it ended… I’ll never forget it. I was training somewhere near Spa’ring when I heard a familiar voice. I spun, wondering who it could belong to, and I saw her.
Oh.
A million things happened in that instant. I recognized her- her stitched up face, her beautiful eyes… Angel, oh angel! A beauty even in black, darling, love, the reason for my very existence! But no, I realized with a jolt. She belonged to him. He was… gone, and she would never accept me.
And still, oh! Oh the temptation! I wanted her, I wanted to be with her, to confess my sins, to repent… I wanted to hold her, to feel her lips on mine as they were once with his. I wanted to whisper words to make her smile, to make her laugh… I wanted so much…
It all hurt too much.
I stumbled a few steps away from her before turning and bolting into the forest. I crashed through the dense brush with no regards for my own HP, or any monsters… I was far past where I should have been, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to move, get farther away. It wasn’t even Patches I was running from.
Fraze. It was Fraze.
The memories hurt, they tore at me and threatened to overwhelm me. I couldn’t be Fraze… He was dead. I couldn’t be to Patches what he was anymore. I still wanted her though, I could never deny it. She was mine, I was hers. I could never forget it, although half of me denied it.
I broke down. I couldn’t keep to the formerly solid idea that I could just ignore my love, and my emotions. I couldn’t coldly go on with my plans. I fell roughly to the forest floor, staring at the dirt numbly for a moment before turning onto my back.
I couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t live that way.
I needed her.
I didn’t deserve her. I couldn’t have her.
But I NEEDED her, other wise… I couldn’t live.
But I couldn’t have her.
That wasn’t the problem. Can, and will, are different things.
My mind bent, twisted… I couldn’t reconcile either of these thoughts. They argued and fought, fought and argued, twisted and pulled at one another like indestructa-
I screamed, whatever pain possessed me in that instant was too much. For the longest time I only lay there on the ground in the forest, on my bed in the real world, and I couldn’t think. My mind was quite literally broken. For all the world I might have been brain dead, I’ll never know. All that I know is when I sat up again in the forest something was very wrong. My head still hurt… but something was different.
I didn’t want it anymore. I didn’t want to destroy the teams, I didn’t want to fight. I wanted to- to play, like a kid. I just wanted to play the game. It made no difference to me who won or who lost their stupid war, or even that it was happening. It wasn’t related to me. It didn’t matter. I could go back to Patches, if I wanted. Sure, I’d have to be careful for her sake, but it was definitely an option.
“Go back to her? What are you, stupid?”
I looked around in confusion, what madness was this? I hadn’t spoken my mind. “What? Who’s there?” I demanded, all too fearfully.
There sounded a laugh. It was my laugh… “You, you moron! I am you, and I’m telling you that this will not work.”
“Me? You’re not me…”
“Of course I’m you. Do you see anyone else here?”
My eyes scanned the deep forest. Nobody. “But no… there’s got to be some kind of… explanation, right?” I asked quietly. This voice wasn’t there. It couldn’t be. It was my voice, I realized that, but that couldn’t be it…
“Pipsqueak, shuttup and listen. I am you, you are me, we are the same, understand?” I nodded numbly. “I believe,” the voice continued, “that this is some kind of psychosis. Stress must have driven us to the end and snapped us.”
I nodded again. “O-okay… then why don’t I know that?”
“You don’t know it. Clearly, we have different memories as well.”
“If we’re the same, how can we have different memories?”
“We just do. Insanity rarely makes sense.”
“Insanity?”
“Well of course, does it make sense to speak to oneself in such a way?”
“N-no…”
“Well then, we’d better come to terms with this quickly. We have been split, the means we need not discuss. All that we need to understand, is that we’re stuck together in one body, we’re both the same person, and it would seem we’re nothing alike.”
I blinked. “How is that?” I asked, shivering. I was talking to myself.
“You, my friend… Well you’re young, okay? Or infantile, it seems like. I’m more mature than you are, and much less pacifistic to be sure…”
“How do you know that?”
“You aren’t blocking any memories from me, and I’m smart. Well we’re both smart, but you haven’t really decided to concern yourself with this predicament yet, have you?”
“Do you really have to talk that way?”
“Ugh… fine. I can read your mind, and I actually thought about what’s going on. You haven’t really, now have you?”
“Other than you talking to me? No.”
“You- you- you. We need names.”
“Names?”
“Do you want to go around calling me you for the rest of our life, and vice versa? Didn’t think so. Now I’ll make this as unerringly simple as possible. You’re Nox.”
“I thought our name was already Nox-“
“Shut up. You are Nox, I am Xan, okay? It’s foolproof.”
I nodded. “Fine. Well, Xan… Why shouldn’t I go back to Patches?”
His tone was one of amusement. “Think about what you are now, a half of us. Think about what you let yourself become… this vampire. Think about what we did to her. She’ll never take us back, Nox. Get over it. We already decided not to go back to her anyway.”
My eyes watered, “But I want to go see her- I miss her, Xan! I love her and I want to see her again. I don’t care if she’s mad… She never stayed mad at us before.”
“You’re actually crying.”
I wiped my eyes indignantly before planting my hands at my sides.
Xan sighed irritably, “Let me try something, okay?”
And then I was paralyzed for a long moment. I fell dizzily to my knees, and then my hands. After a few seconds I looked up. “Did it work?”
“Did what work?”
“I’ll guess it did, because I’m in control now!” I laughed, looking down at my hands happily. “Little Noxxy~ I want to make something perfectly clear to you now, okay?” I said with a forked tongue. The lesser personality nervously agreed. “I am stronger than you,” I said roughly. “I am greater. I, am in control. You’re just along for the ride, aright tiny?”
He gasped, “But Xan, we’re both-!”
“Shut up, boy,” I whispered. He quieted. “I control this body. You sit back there, and stay quiet, and I might talk to you once in a while. Otherwise you’re life is going to be rather miserable… understand?”
In the way of a soul without a body he was crying, but he agreed. I felt no remorse. I found monsters soon after that, and I annihilated them. Any lack of focus was now gone. Any kind of conscience, was now gone. I was pure. Dark. The demon I’d envisioned came through in my battles. Perfection… I could just shove Nox back in a corner and leave him there.
But I suddenly felt tired. I went on, but soon I was gasping for breath… Pain, pain from the world in the game, found its way to me through the insanity only I was aware of. I ignored it, for surely it meant nothing… Son after I found myself lying on my back and staring up at the sky.
“Xan?” I blinked. Where was he? “Xan, can you hear me?” There was still no word. Where had he gone? He hadn’t told me… Hm. I frowned. From the exp I could guess he’d been leveling. Had he gotten tired? Was that even possible?
After a time he woke up again. We spoke again. It was true… We experimented for a time, or rather Xan took the control, and we found that the longer Xan was in front the weaker his grip on the body until he fainted. He was mad. He yelled. Nox was afraid, but at the same time he knew Xan couldn’t hurt him.
The last test finished with Xan dizzily standing on the edge of consciousness in the back of our mind. I shook my head and hit the logout button. I wanted to get off so much then, it didn’t even make sense.
And then the world turned upside down. I logged out, and I took off the headset. For a long minute I sat at the desk, staring at my monitor. Nothing had changed. Xan, Nox… it was like they didn’t exist. Dezz, only Dezz, only I was there. I rubbed my temples irritably, staring with a wide, blank eyed stare at my monitor. “What the hell?”
That was the first time it ever occurred to me that I might be insane.
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