2nd Shot: Cashing In Big

2^ndShot: Cashing In Big

      Upon entering the dirt road and partial grass land city of Minotaurus, Vincent parks his bike inside the kremlin. The city has long had a law against driving vehicles on the streets due to the effective use of said auto mobiles in jail breaks and criminal get away attempts. This fact is made quite obvious by the scorch marks in the shape of a truck and human bodies on the inside of the wall. Vincent ties the two criminals together and forces them to walk on their shot legs to the bondsman inside a square glassed shack of a building with papers and files stacked to the roof.

“Come on kid. We can pay you more than some bounty.” says Clint.

“…Yeah we can triple what you’d get for taking us in. Hell we’ll give you whatever you want, money, gold, women, it’s yours if you just turn us around and take us back to the gang.” The motor mouth Ferdinand follows.

“Oh dear heaven’s on high!” Vincent exclaims, pushing them forward with his revolver poking them in the back. “Do you two hear how pathetic you sound? I thought crooks like you were supposed to be defiant to the end but all I’m hearing is a bunch of whining and begging.” The statement quiets the men and they walk the rest of the way kicking and tipping over in pain from their bullet wounds.  

 As they entered they came upon a small pale skinned imp wearing bifocals and a white dress shirt and tie neatly tucked into gray tweed trousers with suspender twisted on his shoulders. His frizzed white hair covered every inch of his head except the top which was smooth and bald.

            “Who do we have here?” the imp asks adjusting his glasses on his pointy upward turned nose and making his eyes look like all seeing relics. The imp blinks twice before clapping his hands and cheering at the sight of Vincent and his bounty.

            “OH, my dear boy it’s you Vincent. How have you been? Shina has been asking about you for a few days now.”

            “Ha, I bet she has. Horris,” Vincent calls the imp’s name. “I’ve got Clint Marrow and Ferdinand here. How much can I get for them dead and/or alive?” The two thugs begin to panic and squirm after hearing the word dead included with their fate.

            “You can’t let him kill us!” Ferdinand begs the imp for mercy and Clint nods in agreement, but Horris did not even glance at their pleading faces. The elderly imp pulled his lavish black leather chair closer to a computer screen and with a few key strokes he looks up the two men’s bounty.

            “Well dead you can get about a good thirteen hundred, but alive you can get twenty five hundred for Marrows and fifteen hundred for Ferdinand.” says Horris with a look of a business man evident in his face.

            “They are here so I’ll take my cash and go Horris. I have a date with a sexy little cowgirl back at the saloon.”

            “Okay then, be sure to check your account for more bounties and please see Shina before you leave the city. She’s been dying to see you.” Horris laughs as she jumps down from his chair and with Herculean strength drags the two men with one arm into one of the free cells in the back room. Horris then takes two labeled rolls of money from behind his desk and tosses them to Vincent.

            “Thanks Horris. I’ll be sure to see Shina. Where is she by the way?”

            “You know that old bag of imp bones is always at that infernal house on the hill. She says she has an important message for you.”

            With that, Vincent leaves the bonds shop and walks a few feet on a wooden patio to see another shop to rent out horses. He places a few new bills on the counter and walks to the left to pick a horse.

            “Hey there Vinnie the new group of horses is a bit of an unruly bunch. Watch out for Shiva she is the worst.” The stall runner says poking his head from behind the window.

There weren’t many to pick from and they all seemed to be of fine up keep save Shiva the untamable. Shiva, an appaloosa mare with the worst attitude anyone has ever seen, but she’s Vincent’s kind of horse. Vincent walks into the stable to the cries of the horses. The horses kick their legs up and wine as Vincent steps into the stable but as soon as they had commenced the ruckus they were silenced. The man running the stall stepped down to see that the horses had all began to bow to Vincent and the untamable Shiva licks his hand before quietly following him out.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s nothing wrong with these horses.” Vincent chuckles as he mounts Shiva and directs her to trot forward.

Within two hours Vincent leaps down from the horse and pets her long nose as she bats her eye lashes at him and fawns. She walks to the side of the hill and begins to graze at the tall luscious green grass.

“Take a good long break girl I’ll be back in a few.” Vincent says walking into the log cabin-esk house.

“Hey there Shina, it’s Vincent.” he knocks at the door. What is the important message that she has for? The thought plays and rewinds in Vincent’s mind.

“Hey there, when did you get back in the city Vinnie?” answers an old blind elf woman wrinkled with age on a cane. She wears a blue house dress with a white apron strapped around her waist, black stockings and shoes and a light blue bonnet on her head. She is much shorter than Vincent and places a hand on his stomach. “There you are my sweet zooanthrope.”

“Hey Shina how are you? It’s been too long.” Vincent enters and follows her into a room full of clocks and small porcelain china dolls placed all over from wall to wall and on every counter top except for a timber wood table that sat in the center with only a pot of tea two glasses and a deck of elfin tarot cards on it. The floor was a black and white chess board design, and two grandfather clocks set on opposite walls from each other and the little men and women all wearing black and white pilgrim attire watched without blinking .

“Now boy sit here and let an old elf see you.” Shina removes her glasses and reveals whited out eyes while extending her wrinkled hands to touch his face.

“How have you been my dear? I sure have missed you. It just hasn’t been the same without my sweet little hatchling running around with them guns of yours.”

“I promise to come and visit more, I’ve been collecting bounty money recently.”

“Ah yes the bounty business that’s what I wanted to tell you.” Shina takes herself and spreads her cards across the table and pulls one and puts it to her face. “I had a vision two nights ago. You met a queen and her fool and together they change your course young king, but the devil and death follow soon after for who, I do not know but, I wish for you not to flee or shy away I wish for you to face it and triumph because the reward will be worth the strife.” Shina explained to him before pouring two cups of tea and sliding a cup to Vincent. He sniffed the sweet scent of the tea. It was jasmine their favorite to drink whenever they were together. When Vincent was a child, Shina would take care of him while his parents were away and every night before sending him off, they would sit at this very table and drink this tea together. Recollections of running and frolicking outside in the backyard of Shina’s home flooded Vincent’s mind as he consumed the hot drink and sighed.

“How have your mother and father been? I barely here from them as it is.” Shina says sipping her tea and places it down on the saucer.

“They’re doing well. They still refuse to settle in a city so I give money here and there so they can replace their things whenever they move, which is like every other week.” Vincent answers playfully rolling his eyes and resting them into the cup at his lips with a smirk.

“They sure did raise a sweet boy.” Shina chuckles at Vincent.

Hours pass at Shina’s on the hill home and the night’s sky turns to day.

“Oh goodness, you should be ashamed, keeping an old elf like me awake so long.” Shina laughs feeling the sun clasps its warm hands on her cheek. “Don’t you know that an old lady like I need’s her beauty sleep?” Shina playfully wags a finger at Vincent, distracted by the sun rise. Shina lifts herself out of her wooden chair and walks to her window. She removes her shades and opens her blinded eyes to the view seeing only darkness.

“Would you like to see it?” Vincent asks following after her.

Shina did not answer only silence loomed as Vincent swept her off her feet and walked her outside to their fabled back yard. He set her down on her feet and she faced him while he faced the scenery.

“Okay, now close your eyes.” Vincent runs a hand over her face and keeps her eyes shut. In a burst of light Vincent began to shine a color of light blue and his eyes opened slit and yellow. In seconds Shina eyes let tears roll down in a flood as she gasped at the magnificent sunrise. The rising ball of gas and flame painted the sky red and beams of light shot through clouds. The sparkles of day break exhilarated Shina and she began to smile.

“That’s enough.” Shina smiled at Vincent removing her hands from his face. “That’s enough for this old elf. I need some rest now.” She says placing her cane into the ground and starting her way back into the house from the back door.

“If you like I can carry you back in.” Vincent offers.

“As much as I like the thought of a six packed muscular young man sweeping me off my feet, I think I’ll do just fine sweetie.” she jokes walking into the house. After locking the door she waves good bye to Vincent and he walks around to mount a well-rested Shiva.

“Come on girl time to get you home. Come to think of it, I might just pay for you in full and take you home with me.” He says patting her long neck, and as if Shiva could understand him, she kicks in excitement and speeds back to the city.

Reviews

[Livana Lowell]

Dear Matty,

The first paragraph seemed curt. There's room to describe the setting of Minotaurus like perhaps bring out a some destroyed area where a car or vehicle was used with bad intentions. Describe the glassed building and whatnot. Was it round? Was it square? Was it hexagonal? What was the plain of the city? Desert or grass?

Delete the "I" in this sentence, "I we can pay you more"

You misspelled the word "whining" in this sentence, "all I’m hearing is a bunch of wining and begging"

When describing the horses, you switched tenses from present to past. Examples of this include, "Shiva "was" an appaloosa mare with the worst attitude anyone has ever seen, but she "was" just Vincent’s kind of horse" and "The horses "kicked" their legs up and "wine" as Vincent steps into the stable but as soon as they had "commenced" the ruckus they "were silenced" and you misspelled "whine" Another example of tense change is "The man running the stall "stepped" down to see that the horses had all began to bow to Vincent and the untamable Shiva "licked" his hand before quietly following him out."

Missing quotation marks around this statement: "There you are my sweet zooanthrope."

Change this: "and china dolls of porcelain " to "porcelain china dolls" In that paragraph, you should probably break that up. Just say the house was filled with clocks and porcelain china dolls period, then describe the lone, empty table. Then, you have the chance to add life to Shina's collection. Describe the design of the china dolls and clocks. What kind of clocks?

I feel like the moment between Shina and Vincent could be more intimate. Instead of explaining and telling the reader Shina's background, make her do specific things that reminds Vincent of younger days with her and etc.

However,

I like the dialogue. I find it witty and funny. Vincent is pretty cool.

Sincerely Livana Lowell (LL)

God bless