1st Shot: Rolling in the Deep

1^st Shot: Rolling in the Deep

      “YYYYEEEEHHHHHAAAAA!!!!!!!” a girl’s scream of pleasure wakes a sleeping man at the bar. His hat falls to the floor followed by a grunt and another swing of a bottle of beer to his lips. His five o’ clock shadow shines in the light as the frosty cold beer flees from his lips and his messy black hair whips around as he shakes his head like a wild mutt. He drinks like there’s a hole in his lip as the cold libation turns from small strips here and there to a full blown river flowing down from his lips to his shirt. It’s another long day ending for him as the sun sets outside.

            “I’m out, give me another.” commands the man slamming the bottle on the bar table and turning to face the door of the old style saloon. The pine wood swing doors shine as the sunsets outside and the room is illuminated by its own glorious lights.

Buxom women in black and white gowns, red waist ribbons, and colorful eye shadows tend to bearded shouting men at the tables and in the furthermost corner of the room is a mechanical bull with a wailing blonde Mona Lisa of a woman on top dressed like a sexy cowgirl flailing about with a “cowboy hat” swinging in her hand. Her bra was striped with orange and green and she wore a matching thong connected to a pair of beige ox hide chaps, and tall heel knee high boots. As her bust flailed against her chest and her hips gyrated, the man let out a wicked smile as if drool would begin to pour like his wasted beer. He studied her bottom as it acted as a biological cushion for her, her smooth slender back lead into wide hips and her pouting pink lips stretched across her face with a wild party smile.  

            “…here.” speaks the bald bartender who wore a white dress shirt, black vest and green apron as he set a bottle nearest to the man’s hand.

            “It took you long enough you pudgy b*****d” he rudely says snatching the drink and walking over to the girl on the mechanical bull.

            He sits at a chair and watches her body fling back and forth, never releasing the handle of the bull. Her smile is like diamonds and her skin is like a sweet peach. Her blonde hair bounces as the bull kicks back and forward and her hips roll. The man licks his lips and stares deeply as if looking into her very soul.

            Soon the bull slows to a halt and the beauteous woman dismounts dizzily and claims a cash prize from the tall muscular man at the control panel. As she leaves the bull the man invites her to his table with a wave of his hand and a nod and point of his beer.

            “What can I help you with sir?” she asks sitting in front of his with a smile and the flirtatious touching of his hand.

            “I saw you there on the bull and I thought now that’s a girl who knows how to have some fun. Is that true sweetness?” He answers with a smirk and the fiendish downing of the beer.

            “I think I can show you better than I could tell you” she replies, licking her lips. “…but first let get your name, I’m Kelly.”

            “Tom, Dick, and Harry, now let’s hop to It.” he slams his bottle down on the table and stands without paying.

            Soon the girl and he walk out of the saloon and into the dirt roads of the town. Clint lights a cigar and tells some witty dirty joke and Kelly laughs as if it’s the funniest thing she had ever heard.

            In the shakes of a lambs tail Tom, Dick, and Harry is gunned down with two shots to his knees and shoulders while Kelly shrieks like a banshee in the night.

            “D****t Vinnie you said you would warn me before you shot him.” she yell with specks of blood on her clothes and face.

            “I’m sorry Kelly, but the shot was too great to pass up.” the illustrious young bounty hunter Vincent Leone enters scratching in his short shaggy black hair and revealing pointed ears as Kelly marvels at him in secret.

Kelly remembered when Vincent told her that the three lines on his bottom jaw represent the three stars that shined brightest when he was born. She gazed into his high yellow eyes that she thought was like watching a sunset off the coast of an ocean. He stands tall at least six foot two, and he wears a black t-shirt with matching jeans and shoes with four revolvers strapped down the side of his legs, two to each side, shining as faint lights bounce off the lengths of them.

            “You better be glad you’re such a pretty one or I might quit on you.” Kelly says walking over to Vincent, cupping her hand on his cheek and looking into his eyes.

            “Uh umm” she clears her throat and puts her hand out.

            “Always looking for a pay aren’t ya?” Vincent pulls out a few twenty dollar bills and places them in Kelly’s hand.

            “A girl’s gotta take care of herself you know that Vinnie.” The two conspirators part ways. “You two have fun now.” waves Kelly, walking back into the saloon while Vincent drags the limp body and throws it over the back of a black and yellow 1975 Kawasaki motor cycle before mounting the bike himself.

            “You know I will. Take care Kelly I might be back later tonight for another “private lesson” if you know what I mean” chuckles Vincent revving up the motor cycle and making a wild turn and kicking up the dust from the dirt road into clouds and speeding off into the night, as Kelly watches with a chuckle.

            “What the hell do you think you’re doing boy?” yells the tied up man on the back of the bike.  

            “Well you are Clint Marrows right?” questions Vincent as he speeds on through the empty land of the country side of Minotaurus.

            “What’s it to you, boy?” He spits as the wind rushes through his face and displaces his hat in its long breath.

            “Cute,” Vincent sighs. “Anyway I have been graced with the “exciting” and “thrilling” task of returning you to the Minotaurus judiciary system to collect a big fat bounty on you. Also if you could not fight me on this that would just be great.” Vincent kicks off and speeds up.

            “Boy you ain’t never gonna make it to the gate.” Clint chuckles until it turns into a full blown laugh.

            “…And what is that supposed to mean?”

            “You’ll see, I hope your momma not waiting up for ya.” Clint answers slyly pressing a button on his belt and laughs on.

            Five minutes into the drive two dingy green pickup trucks block the motorcycles path and twenty muscle bound men draw shot guns and rifles and aim them on Vincent.

            “Give us the boss and pedal your a*s on home little boy” a tall stocky man with a tall orange Mohawk steps in front of the gang wearing unholy amounts of leather and chains.

            “I would good sir but I am hungry and his bounty is sure to feed my belly for at least the next two to three days” Vincent jokes on, clasping his and making an adorable face at the criminals. “Would you honestly deprive a young man of his daily bread?” he furthers.

            “I don’t give a damn about what you eat. All I know is that Clint Marrows, the man in the back of your bike there, Called me and the boys to get him so that what I’m gonna do, and if I have to shoot your a*s to dust I will now move aside before my finger slips on this pretty little trigger.” says the thug pointing a desert eagle .50 at Vincent’s head from fifty feet away. “Now, on the count of three you will…” a gunshot interrupts the nameless thug’s word. A bullet rushed by and scraped his face. All of the thugs face their speaker in shock and snapped back to see a deadly scowl upon the face of the young man they had stopped.

            “I think that’s my cue to shut you up, now get out of my damn way before I unload this Colt Python Revolver and its twin all over the lot of you.” Vincent says glaring at each one.

            “I am going to…” once again the gangster is stopped in the tracks of his words.

            “Hey dumbass, don’t shoot or you might hit me!” shouts Clint from the back of the motorcycle.”

            Vincent is out of patience and he is on the verge of hunger. He draws the twin to the revolver he had out and he begins shooting through the men. He revs his motorcycle and does a turn avoiding three bullets that zip pass his head. He makes a donut and takes out the drivers of both trucks with head shots and he paralyzes the speaker the same way as he did Clint. Vincent turns back and speeds in the direction of where he came. He could here shouts saying: “He’s turning back,” and “He’s running like a little w***e.”

“That is so untrue.” Vincent chuckles spinning and racing full speed to the trucks. He reaches back and holds a now screaming Clint down as he pops a wheelie and jumps the trucks and snatches the overly talkative thug and stacks him on top of Clint.

“What the hell do you think you are doing?” argues the second thug squirming to get off.

“I presume that you are Ferdinand, Clint’s second in command. You have a pretty good bounty to so I figured the more the merrier.”

“You won’t get far. The boys are still here and they’ll stop you.” Ferdinand’s confidence shows in his voice. “Just because you killed two drivers doesn’t mean we’ll stop. We are the Styx gang d****t!”

“You should stop talking so much and maybe you would’ve noticed.” a playful reply jumps from Vincent.

            “Notice what?”

            “That I scraped the gas tanks and breaks with a few of my shots. When they try to start the cars…” Vincent is interrupted with the loud explosions of the two trucks. “That will happen.” says as Vincent drives to the Minotaurus stone kremlin now in sight to claim his money. Perhaps he will stop by the saloon for Kelly before he retires in for sleep.

Reviews

[Livana Lowell]

Dear Matty,

The first paragraph can be revised into a "show" way to tell the story. For example, instead of "His hat falls to the floor followed by a grunt and another swing of a bottle of beer to his lips. He has a five o'clock shadow across his face and his black hair is in a mess. He drinks like there's a hole in his lips because the cold beer slides down from his lips to his shirt" which is very long, you could say instead, "He reaches to pick up his hat that had fallen to the floor and places it on a shamble of black hair. He grunts and swings another bottle of beer to his mouth, drinking as if there were a hole in his lips. The cold beer slides down his chisel jaw, darkened with a five o'clock shadow."

Also, this line "a girls screams of pleasure wakes a sleeping man at the bar." can be revised to say, "a girl's scream of pleasure awakens a sleeping man at the bar."

Change the period into a comma at the end of "give me another."

This line, "The pine wood swing doors at the opening shine and the room is quite bright." needs to be revised to say, "The swing doors open and the shine of a setting sun washes over the pine wood, filling the room with brightness."

This line, "Women in black and white gowns with red ribbons and colorful eye shadows tend to men at the tables and in the furthermost corner of the room is a mechanical bull with a wailing blonde girl on top dressed like a sexy cowgirl flailing about with a “cowboy hat” swinging in her hand." This is a run on. Drop the "and" replace it with a period. Also describe the girl. What does she look like? Innocent or promiscuous? Mischievous? Tempting? What makes her this way and so on. What kind of smile does he give the girl?

Change "touching" to "touch"

Change "could" to "can"

Change "let" to "lets"

Change "yell" to "yells"

And this..."Three lines on his bottom jaw represent the three stars that shined brightest when he was born. His high yellow eyes are like watching a sunset off the coast of an ocean. He stands tall at least six foot two, and he wears a black t-shirt with matching jeans and shoes with four revolvers strapped down the side of his legs, two to each side." Once again, this is telling. You can draw this out by showing along the course of action. For example, "“I think that’s my cue to shut you up, now get out of my damn way before I unload this Colt Python Revolver and its twin all over the lot of you.” Vincent says glaring at each one." Here you can describe the guns at his sides per say he nips at them or something.

Another example, "He revs his motorcycle and does a turn avoiding three bullets that zip pass his head. He makes a donut and takes out the drivers of both trucks with head shots and he paralyzes the speaker the same way as he did Clint. " Here you can also insert description Vincent.

This line needs a two commas on each side of "I will", "and if I have to shoot your a*s to dust I will now move aside before my finger slips"

Revise this, "He could here shouts saying: “He’s turning back,” and “He’s running like a little w***e.”"

Change "to" to "too"

I do like the comedy in this. I chuckled as I read. I liked Vincent. He's badass without being freaking emo. It's very entertaining and it combines western, action, and technology together.

Sincerely Livana Lowell (LL)

God bless