Fire Quenched Your Rain

  When you're the cure, I will not be the cause.

When you're the cause, I must be the cure.

Come, let the fire quench the rain.

Let the rain burn through the night

Let the dark envelope light.

Come, let the fire quench the rain.

  When you pain, as do I, I fall chastised from the sky.

When you're joyed, as am I, I catch a glimpse of tears you cry.

Come, let the cold warm your heart.

Let the shroud save the face.

Let the mask reveal your true intent

Come, let the cold warm your heart.

  As if life has nothing more to offer, I see you offer more

As if death captures beauty, I see beauty capture you.

Come, let us hide our faces from each other.

Let us share our embarrassment.

Let us be unabashed by what we do.

Come, let us hide our faces from each other.

  As if vanity were your triumphant song, you sing a song anew.

As if pride were your only enemy, there is no pride in you.

Come let wisdom find your years, and I pray the years be kind.

Indeed you have been blessed.

As blessed as none have been before.

You have slipped beyond salvation and the fire quenched your rain.

  

Reviews

[Clouded in Hopeful Illu..]

Hello there!

Thank you for sharing your work with us. I enjoyed this poem because it brought about something new in the sense that it was a refreshing take on the subject. I think the form works really well up for this poem and helps to add to the tone of the writing. I do have a few suggestions (I pretty much always do) which are outlined below. They are just suggestions so you can take or leave whatever it is that you like. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask! :)

"Let the rain burn through the night" --- this is beautiful image. It is probably my favorite line in the whole poem.

"When you pain, as do I, I fall sacred from the sky.
When you you're joyed, as am I, I catch a glimpse of tears you cry." -- You have an extra "you" at the beginning of the second line here. Also, the end of the first line where the speaker falls sacred from the sky really throws me off. I guess I am having trouble with the image "sacred" creates here.

"As if life has nothing more to offer, I see you offer more
As if death captures beauty, I see beauty capture you." --This is amazing. These two lines really play off of each other well to create such a morbid, but beautiful, feeling to this poem.

"Come, let us hide our faces from each other.
Let us share our embarrassment.
Let us be unabashed by what we do.
Come, let us hide our faces from each other." --- For me, this stanza brought the whole poem together. It reminds me a lot of the tale of Eros(also known as Cupid) and Psyche. With that connection made, the whole poem seemed to be taken into an even deeper level, whether it was your intention or not. If you have not read the myth between Eros and Psyche, I think you should. It could help to make this an even stronger poem without directly relating it to the myth itself.

I am having trouble with the last stanza. For me the poem ended at "Come, let us hide our faces from each other." - the end of the third from last stanza. The ending stanza as it stands now doesn't seem to have the same tone as the rest of the poem. Another reason I might be having trouble with that last stanza is because the form of your poem breaks there. The last stanza doesn't follow the rest of the form which can be distracting to your readers.

+YourMidnightSecret+

[realmwriter]

Your suggestions have been wayed and I will correct the mistakes that you pointed out, as I myself did not notice them through secral readings. than you for that. The last stanza of the poem is an attempt at turning the whole thing on its head and making the reader think what the poem was about as a whole. But as I re read it with your observation in mind I can see where yo correct in stating that the pom ended in the third to last Stanza. The two stanza there after really are not needed. I also wote them in because I am a bit obsessed with my stanzsa beeing of an even number, though not all of my works reflect this trait. I truly appreciate your suggestions and observations. You are rather knowledgable about this subject as I can see. Might I make a request of you? I would be honnored if you would cretique some of my other works in a simaler fasion as Iam allways seeking to improve my writing. Again. thank you so much for your extensive input, it means a lot...! :)

[realmwriter]

As I cannot edit the above remarks, let me say that I noticed all of the spelling errors but alas, I cannot fix them...!

[Clouded in Hopeful Illusions of False Delusions]

I love trying to be helpful since I appreciate it when people treat my work as such, so of course I will review some more of your work! I love your style and your vocabulary. :)

[realmwriter]

Thank you so much I look forward to reading them tomorrow as I am out of time today...! :)

[Summer]

I feel blessed reading this.

[realmwriter]

Thank You very much. Glad to be of service...!

[Strider]

Excellent Write.

Strider

[realmwriter]

Thank You very much...!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

such a wonderful piece full of great paradoxes...
your play on words is full of keen insights...and the play is so clever.

[realmwriter]

Thank You Very Much...! I appreciate your sentiment...!

[Muse]

After reading You:

When you're the cure, I will not be the cause.
When you're the cause, I must be the cure.

I now see why and how you understand.

You found the baptismal rain...what beauty...what gain...

[realmwriter]

I still can't believe I have gotten such amazing responses from everyone on this sight. Thank you so much for that Muse...!

[Muse]

I thought of Adel...fire to the rain. It was beautiful.

[realmwriter]

Ima have to listen to that song. I'll be right back.

[realmwriter]

That song, "Fire to the Rain" is absolutely perfect for this piece. Thank you for recommending it.

[Muse]

I'm a closet Adel fan. lol

[realmwriter]

As am I

[AJ Kristiansen]

Really beautiful Realmwriter.. love it... you evoke some deep feelings with this poem... your words reach far and create wonderful images and metaphors and certainly have the mind spidering for further understanding... great job!!

[realmwriter]

Thank you ever so much for taking the time to read this piece and review it, it really means a lot...!

[Sethnicity]

I love how this reads like a song..
My favorite line was:
" As if vanity where (were) your triumphant song, you sing a song anew.
As if pride where (were) your only enemy, there is no pride in you."

I added the parenthesis because I think that was the proper word for the visual word you used. I love doing that in my work. Homonym's are Awesome as well!

[realmwriter]

Thank you very much. I think I will indeed change where to were. I do enjoy using homonyms from time to time. Of course I really enjoy twistting the meanings of words around do I to catch the reader off guard a bit. Again. Thank You very much...!

[realmwriter]

Thank You man!

[Revery]

Loved all the paradoxes and metaphors. Great write, very cool.

[Ruth]

Hmm...me thinks this is a fav :)
Good to read you when I am online here :) Always intense emotion in your words, tangible, I feel them, mwah!

[realmwriter]

Thank you so mush Poppy. You keep blowing me kisses like that and I am affraid I will blush. Mwah...!

[Ruth]

Ah, a blush is good for you xoxo