Fire Quenched Your Rain

  When you're the cure, I will not be the cause.

When you're the cause, I must be the cure.

Come, let the fire quench the rain.

Let the rain burn through the night

Let the dark envelope light.

Come, let the fire quench the rain.

  When you pain, as do I, I fall chastised from the sky.

When you're joyed, as am I, I catch a glimpse of tears you cry.

Come, let the cold warm your heart.

Let the shroud save the face.

Let the mask reveal your true intent

Come, let the cold warm your heart.

  As if life has nothing more to offer, I see you offer more

As if death captures beauty, I see beauty capture you.

Come, let us hide our faces from each other.

Let us share our embarrassment.

Let us be unabashed by what we do.

Come, let us hide our faces from each other.

  As if vanity were your triumphant song, you sing a song anew.

As if pride were your only enemy, there is no pride in you.

Come let wisdom find your years, and I pray the years be kind.

Indeed you have been blessed.

As blessed as none have been before.

You have slipped beyond salvation and the fire quenched your rain.

  

Reviews

[Clouded in Hopeful Illu..]

Hello there!

Thank you for sharing your work with us. I enjoyed this poem because it brought about something new in the sense that it was a refreshing take on the subject. I think the form works really well up for this poem and helps to add to the tone of the writing. I do have a few suggestions (I pretty much always do) which are outlined below. They are just suggestions so you can take or leave whatever it is that you like. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask! :)

"Let the rain burn through the night" --- this is beautiful image. It is probably my favorite line in the whole poem.

"When you pain, as do I, I fall sacred from the sky.
When you you're joyed, as am I, I catch a glimpse of tears you cry." -- You have an extra "you" at the beginning of the second line here. Also, the end of the first line where the speaker falls sacred from the sky really throws me off. I guess I am having trouble with the image "sacred" creates here.

"As if life has nothing more to offer, I see you offer more
As if death captures beauty, I see beauty capture you." --This is amazing. These two lines really play off of each other well to create such a morbid, but beautiful, feeling to this poem.

"Come, let us hide our faces from each other.
Let us share our embarrassment.
Let us be unabashed by what we do.
Come, let us hide our faces from each other." --- For me, this stanza brought the whole poem together. It reminds me a lot of the tale of Eros(also known as Cupid) and Psyche. With that connection made, the whole poem seemed to be taken into an even deeper level, whether it was your intention or not. If you have not read the myth between Eros and Psyche, I think you should. It could help to make this an even stronger poem without directly relating it to the myth itself.

I am having trouble with the last stanza. For me the poem ended at "Come, let us hide our faces from each other." - the end of the third from last stanza. The ending stanza as it stands now doesn't seem to have the same tone as the rest of the poem. Another reason I might be having trouble with that last stanza is because the form of your poem breaks there. The last stanza doesn't follow the rest of the form which can be distracting to your readers.

+YourMidnightSecret+

[realmwriter]

Your suggestions have been wayed and I will correct the mistakes that you pointed out, as I myself did not notice them through secral readings. than you for that. The last stanza of the poem is an attempt at turning the whole thing on its head and making the reader think what the poem was about as a whole. But as I re read it with your observation in mind I can see where yo correct in stating that the pom ended in the third to last Stanza. The two stanza there after really are not needed. I also wote them in because I am a bit obsessed with my stanzsa beeing of an even number, though not all of my works reflect this trait. I truly appreciate your suggestions and observations. You are rather knowledgable about this subject as I can see. Might I make a request of you? I would be honnored if you would cretique some of my other works in a simaler fasion as Iam allways seeking to improve my writing. Again. thank you so much for your extensive input, it means a lot...! :)

[realmwriter]

As I cannot edit the above remarks, let me say that I noticed all of the spelling errors but alas, I cannot fix them...!

[Clouded in Hopeful Illusions of False Delusions]

I love trying to be helpful since I appreciate it when people treat my work as such, so of course I will review some more of your work! I love your style and your vocabulary. :)

[realmwriter]

Thank you so much I look forward to reading them tomorrow as I am out of time today...! :)

[K. J. Corbin]

Some poems I find to be more-so moving pictures than words, and eventually have to reread them but all the same I found this moving. I truly enjoyed this and will be reading more of your writing. As a newcomer I find this very enlightening!

[realmwriter]

Thank you K. J. Corbin. I am happy to have written a piece that you enjoy and I hope to continue to write more enjoyable works for you to peruse at your leisure.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Come let wisdom find your years, and I pray the years be kind. -- this line alone is fabulous, not that the rest of the piece wasn't, but this one really struck a chord with me.

This unfolded as a knot being untied...in a slow, sublime texture. I like the concept; unique and creative way to go about something like this.

My suggestions:

Last stanza:
Come let wisdom find your years, and I pray they be kind --
Indeed you have been blessed, as none have been before.
You have slipped beyond salvation through fire quenching rain.

--just a thought as to some alternate wording. Overall, though, I enjoyed the read. Look forward to reading more.

[Arabdha]

beautifully worded !

[realmwriter]

Thank you so much...!

[Peter H]

excellent right great use of repetition

[realmwriter]

Thank You my friend. I appreciate it very much...!

[Neva Flores Smith - Cha..]

beautiful!

[realmwriter]

Thank You Neva, very much...!

[Amberway]

This is beautiful! No words to describe it honestly!

[realmwriter]

Thank you very much. The first Three word did the job just fine...!

[RachelReaper]

This was so unique, a poem using opposites of what people may expect! Fire quenching the rain! When I see this, I see a love that isn't what it seems on the surface, because in every of light there is a bit of darkness (in theory, sometimes), and this is about two people who can try to deny that they don't like each other, but actually they can't deny the dark desires both of them feel.
Excellent write!

[realmwriter]

Thank you very much. You're rather good at this review thing I must say. You continue to "hit the nail on the head" in reviewing some of my works. That is exactly what I was feeling and trying to get across when I wrote this piece...! Thank you again for reading and the review...!

[RachelReaper]

there I go being creepy again lolz

[realmwriter]

LOL yeah but in a good way...! That Rox..>!

[Rita L. Sev]

The opening lines offer a vow, a realization of the way it is at times - sort of like "I'll be there to catch you, but I won't push you down..." I like the style, and the images that are rolling around in my head now... A great and deep write!

[realmwriter]

Thank you very much for these words. It really means a lot to me that I have been so warmly accepted here on writerscafe. I am very happy that you liked it.

[Rita L. Sev]

You're very welcome!

[quinfinn]

wow, this has some of the cleverest and most beautiful metaphorical contradictions i have ever seen. this whole piece is a taunting to the senses...it makes me livid with joy! thank you for sharing this unique and original work of art. awesome.....

[realmwriter]

Thank you very much quinfinn, I am touched...!

[quinfinn]

you're welcome

[Krithika Raghavan]

I'm met a lot of poets over the net. Many many of them. But I've yet to come across one with a ... style such as your's. It's actually a bit fascinating... The couplets are particularly interesting. The first couplet made me think much.
What made me read this poem of all? Your title. It drew me in, definitely! Well done, and I hope you keep penning down your work.

[realmwriter]

Inspiration for me to write has been nothing if not overflowing. At times it seems as if I cannot get the words on the paper fast enough to satisfy the pen that puts them there. Other times it seems as if writers block, even though inspired, has me strung out over a canyon, about to crack my inkwell in two when nothing can be scrawled across the page.

Thank You for reading this and for your review. I am happy you like it and will never stop writing, even if it kills me by dropping me off a cliff...!