Heavy Handed Thought

 

This thing that I'm feeling, this hive in my mind
This singular consciousness of twisted thoughts
Thoughts of what is wanted and of what cannot be had

  Strangely I feel a feather 

This obsession of mine, of these thoughts in my head
I'm still the odd one out, a fifth wheel if you will
All of this incessant hurt inside of what I cannot express

  Strangely I feel a wing

Why can I not see past this singularity, this idea
This tangled, tumultuous event in my mind, a sty in my eye
I cannot seem to pry it out, this hive thought, this

  Strangely I hear a chirp

All of this slow, its making me mad, and still it stays
This unrelenting thing that is selfish, at me it plays
I want this maddening thing gone away, far away

  Strangely I see a bird

Yet this flies not away from me where I can't hear, or feel, or see, this thing that drives at me, and maddens to the sickening of me, the passion, the intensity of this thing I feel and see
This thing I want, and cannot have, it slowly too, will drive me mad, this insatiable feeling to posses, the passion it must hold, because it makes me feel in me a thing I've never had for me, and stirs me how it does. How can I hold it back and still see what's right in front of me, this thing I want but cannot have, these feelings that burn inside and wont fly away I must betray, I do in word, the thing that has a hold, on this part of the one of what I see...

Oct 21, 2010

Reviews

[Rene Salinas]

What critique? oh man oh man. This one made me want to stand up and break something. I felt understood by your writing there and the quirky spastic nature of the pauses made me laugh. You got me from twisted to feather feeling? From obsessive to chirping? Then the bird and at that moment I felt like going up on steps of conciousness. It felt like trying to dissipate the cloud of confusion certainly the silent nature of things could have a clearing effect. On top you went all semi - prose on me which added linearity to it.

I felt immersed in ways of the unexpected.

Great!

Thankyou

[realmwriter]

THIS, is the kind of thought and emotion I wish to impart on my readers. This is that thing we all strive to accomplish, or at least I do, when we write. I have always sought to move my readers, or any who would, to think. I write not only to express myself and get things off of my chest, but also to insight. I see I have done that here. Thank you so much for this amazing review. I am glad that I have moved and stirred something in you that perhaps makes you think. Even if only to navigate through this piece. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Briana O'Connor]

Such an intriguing conception here. A marvelous description of heavy hands, heavy mind and heavy hearts. Such deep, progressive though lies in this one. Thank you for sharing. BTW As I read through you pieces I'm seeing that some of them are written more in a paragraph type format or falter from one structure to another. Is that prose?

[realmwriter]

I am happy that you liked this as well. I appreciate that you are reading some of my older works and as I too have not read them in some time, it's nice to see the progress I have made. I used to do away with any and all grammar, I wanted that to be my style. Leave it to the reader to place punctuation wherever they felt it needed to be. For them to make up there minds how they felt about a piece. As I have come to learn though, that is too confusing for the reader and have since started using punctuation. I wouldn't say that what you pointed out is prose. Prose pertains more to words used, rather than grammar or structure. Thank you very much for the review

[anemergingbutterfly]

I enjoyed reading this piece, but I wonder about the progression from bird to chirp to feather to wing. To me, moving from feather to chirp to wing to bird feels progressively heavier, more intense--in keeping with the final section. That's just my take on it, however. You are the author. Good writing.

[realmwriter]

You know. I wondered about that too just now and I think I am going to fix that. I appreciate that you pointed that out and that you offered for me a suggestion of how to fix it. It is an error I hadn't noticed. Glad you liked it though and thank you for reviewing.