A Plea To the Serpents

Let us swim the sea side by side, let us marvel, let us wonder
Let us dance the sands, hand in hand, let us watch, let us roam
Let us fly through mist of night, let our fire burn as bright
Let the light play the night, let the sea, just be the sea

The Serpent swim, the crest and fall, let the ocean envelop all
Magnificent Dragon of the sky, let it bring us the star in our eye
Fantastic Serpent below, let it bring us a fire to grow
Great beast of sea and sky, let us swim, let us fly
Through oceans tide, Over tallest peak, Oh Great Serpents, hear us speak

 

Let us swim the sea side by side, as serpents wander within their hide
Let us dance the sands, to dragons keep, an infernos fire within our hearts
Let us fly through mist of night, on wings as fire, pure and bright
Let the light play the night, the whisper of a serpents moon.

 

 

Reviews

[Frieda P]

Love the concept here, dragons, fire and sea play...too many 'lets'...I think it takes away from the poetic allure of your piece imho.

I think you meant 'let the ocean 'envelop' all'....

[realmwriter]

Yes, yes I did mean envelop, just fixed it. Sorry I like repetitive poetry. I just like the way it feels when it roles from brain to tongue to page or screen. I do appreciate your review and am very glad you loved it. Thank you so much.

[Frieda P]

I'm pretty anal about repetition in my own poetry, to each his own. Still enjoyed it. :)

[Ashira Macy]

Ooo, you added a new verse! And I think I like it the most too! I like that you incorporate all of the elements in here. Water is the sea serpent, air is the sky dragon, And then you dance on earth's sand with fire in your heart. Really well done my friend!

[realmwriter]

Thank you so very much. I truly do appreciate it.

[kublakhan27]

I love the balance of fire and water in this piece, and how you offset the element of innocence with ominous evocations of serpents and dragons...the entire piece has a fairytale-like element to it...there's a certain tug-of-war that seems to be going on between coy romanticism and fiery carnality...a colourful and imaginative piece...I really enjoyed this one...great piece.

[realmwriter]

Thank you very much. I truly appreciate it.

[Coyote Poetry]

My kind of poetry. Good company and being by the sea. I like the energy and good vision create by your words. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[realmwriter]

I am glad that you liked it Coyote. It means a lot to me.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome. I enjoy your work.

[realmwriter]

I must admit that haven't been as vigilant as I should be in reading others works on here but I will do better.

[Coyote Poetry]

Time for all things. You should read what catches your eyes and attention.

[realmwriter]

*bows his head, Yes indeed Coyote

[AprilRN1210]

I get where you were going with this one, but I think some of the repetition was a little distracting here.. I would've maybe sprinkled it in there but that is just me... the middle stanza is my favorite.. fitting title and lovely plea.. it has a sweet heated edge to it that flows with the tide and caresses the reader in just the right way... well done..

[realmwriter]

For some reason I am a fan of repetition, don't know why. But I do see what your saying. Thank you for your honesty. I wish there where more readers who were as honest. Thank you very much for the review, it really means a lot to me. I think I will try and re-work this on to do away with some of the repetition.

[AprilRN1210]

I love repetition too.. can I make a suggestion?... leave the last stanza as a "repetition" but just not word for word... make a few subtle changes to incorporate what you said in the second stanza and that will make it awesome.. that is the best repetition in my mind... either scattered throughout to drive the point home, or at the end like you have done, with subtle changes to reinforce idea or meaning... just my opinion... and I love constructive criticism and honesty.. I mean that is why we are here right? to help each other and to grow as writers.. at least I am anyway.. it was my pleasure sir.. :)

[realmwriter]

That is exactly why I am here. To receive constructive criticism, so that I might grow as a writer. Somebody had told me, I believe it was Neva, that I could get that here. It's been a couple years or so I think and I have received some but I am addicted to this sight because I never knew or dreamed that I would be so well received by so many. I will certainly take your suggestions into consideration and see what I can do with that last stanza.

[AprilRN1210]

I have been here for four months and absolutely love some of the writers I have met on here.. It is exactly why I am here, and I promise to always be honest.. I don't know what I am doing half the time, and on the "technical" aspects forget it, I know nothing about, but I can give you my opinion as a fellow writer and fan of your work.. I write mostly from emotion and that is usually what I base my reviews on... how well you touch me... I am glad to have met you and honestly enjoy your reviews and your pieces... and I can see why you are "addicted".. I guess I will have to admit, I am the same... :)

[realmwriter]

Well I am very glad to have met you as well, perhaps we could work on a collab sometime? I have never really done one and am not sure how it works but I think it would be very interesting and fun to pick your brain a bit. Yeah I'm pretty much the same. I write from emotion and review from the same and know nothing of the technical stuff either, well maybe a smidge, but I ignore it and just write. I just revised this piece, that last stanza, so please let me know what you think.

[AprilRN1210]

Oooooh I LOVE the changes.. YES!!! well done!! much much better... and I would love to collab sometime... you know I have enjoyed a few... it is FUN!! careful though, my brain is a scary place.. and I can tell you write from emotion.. that is why I am a fan.. if you can't make me feel, or stimulate my mind.. then why bother reading.. if you can't FEEL your own writing, how can you expect anyone else to?.. know what I mean jelly bean..

[realmwriter]

I do indeed what you mean. That too is why I am a fan of yours as well. We both write from emotion. There exists a passion in our writing that we would otherwise allow to die out if we didn't put it to page and we must put it to page, or we cannot consider ourselves writers at all... WARNING my brain carries in it a deep and cynical side that I find very difficult to hide but there is some passion there as well deeper than any well.

[realmwriter]

*know, oops

[AprilRN1210]

exactly.. and yes, I *know* what you meant.. lol (sorry couldn't resist)...
well, mine has a sassy sarcastic edge with some dark humor in there as well, so this should be interesting :)

[realmwriter]

it will be indeed. *smiles*