I Never Got Out Of Bed

 I wanted to start the day, but I found that I could not get out of bed,
For in it laid your comforting arms and the scent of evening love making.
Light from the window fell upon your face and reached over to poke me in the eye.
I wanted to start the day but opted instead to stare into your beautiful eyes.
For in them laid a world of treasure and a mystery of desire beyond compare.
Laying there entranced you whispered I love you so.
I love you as well my dear, though I don't remember whispering it back.
I never got out of bed as long as you were in it and there my beard grew gray
and my hair receded into old age, though you never aged a day.
In the many years that came and went I watched you dream as I never dreamt.
Each morning dawn brought with it new life but it was lost on me.
Time had slipped away from me and my brow began to deepen.
The wear of years had taken its toll.
My eyes could no longer strain through the blur
to make out my princess laying next to me each night.
So instead she would whisper I love you handsome man into my ear so that I might hear her beauty.
I never got out of bed that day and now in it I will forever lay.
Cast aside by time and fate, aged to perfection.
I held your memory as I would a cherished child, to precious to let go.
I am no Casanova nor am I a Romeo but it is you for whom I can't let go.
So you will remember me forever as the lover who always stayed.
She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, she mesmerized me at first look,
So I never got out of bed.

Reviews

[Sir Joe]

At my first sight of the title, I thought I would be reading a poem about death. And, indeed, I did.

While reading your poem, I felt something. And that's a good thing. That means I was connecting to the piece.

Almost every poet has a poem concentrating on death. But seldom do I read a death poem written in a different light. Yours qualifies to this characteristic.

Some writers end their poem with a happily-ever-after atmosphere; others with a harsh-life scenario. But yours is like a combination of both. Pain, sadness, assurance, death and comfort; name them all. They are all in this poem of yours.

Content wise, this piece is a great one. The theme is relatable for we know it's inevitable to lose someone forever. When death calls on the people we love, we agonize. When death welcomes us, some of us say "hi" with head held high while some run fast to battle the chase.

Now let me talk about the structure and the words you used here. It's a poem written in free verse, right? I say when you write a poem in free verse, you are in a great task to make it sound poetic for you have already done away with the elements of poetry - rhyme, rhythm, meter. I commend you for having been able to not literally say some scenarios in the poem. Being too literal in writing a poem makes the poem less of an artistic craft. I also praise you for the imagery in this piece. But I suggest you add some more. In which case, the poem will be more of showing rather than of narrating. And also, try to infuse more figures of speech. In addition, show the scenes to the readers, don't just tell them, which is what you did in some parts of the poem. =)

Let me suggest the following changes for I think you have overlooked some errors in the piece:

1. Verb tense conflict and homophone confusion
* For in it lay your comforting arms and the sent of evening love making.
---> For in it LAID your comforting arms and the SCENT of evening love making.


* For in them lay a world of treasure and a mystery of desire beyond compare.
---> For in them LAID a world of treasure and a mystery of desire beyond compare.

2. Speeling, I mean SPELLING check.
* The wear of years had taken its tole.
---> The wear of years had taken its TOLL.


Nice one, Realmwriter!



- joe

[realmwriter]

Joe, I will endeavor to make the suggested changes you mentioned and will attempt to rework the piece as your suggestions are certainly not without merit. Thank You very much for an honest critique, it is rare that I get them and there for all the more appreciated when I do. Again thank you so much for your time. :)

[Sir Joe]

You're most welcome, Realmwriter. I just think that a writer like you deserves an honest and constructive review. Thank you for considering my suggestions.

[realmwriter]

I changed a bit in this piece. You should take a look. Don't know if it is quite what you suggest but I did alter it...! Again Thank You Very Much...!

[Sir Joe]

You're very much welcome, Realmwriter!

- joe

[Winchester Saltgunner]

Awwwwww luv it

[realmwriter]

Thank You Very Much...!

[Winchester Saltgunner]

welcome

[Muse]

To linger in someone's memory...it's a pleasure and a pain that cannot be explained.
Tis beautiful.

[realmwriter]

No, it cannot but I bet that experience to be worth it, even if only in a very small way...!