So Lean

spiritually eviscerated, I gain no sustenance...


So lean
Soul verge on the emasculate
So mean
Self-deception so immaculate


Always made do
With the barely runnin’
Took a gentle touch
To keep the motor hummin’
Spanned the void
In the barely runnin’
Just a tender touch
Kept the whole thing hummin’


Lost my
Soul to
Lust and speed
Lost my
Soul too
Lost indeed

Lost in
what you think
you want you need


When I picked it up
It was hardly workin'
But I kept it up
I was always workin'
I tried to fix’er
but it wasn’t broken
I tried to fix her
but it wouldn’t work for me


I did what I f****n' do
with the barely runnin'
I spanned the f****n' void
In the barely runnin'


Don’t hate all women
Just a chosen few
Adore the virgin
Avoid the shrew
Given time I’d draw a line
Between the good and bad
To sit and rhyme for now is fine
An’ recall the had and should


Release me wicked vampiress
Injection site infection
Defenses’ now are unimpressed
Rejection by reflection


Still working on this one...
screamin'ian2009

Author's Note

Drug this one up 'cos it's currently pertinent in my life.

Reviews

[Little Birdie]

"Lost my
Soul to
Lust and speed
Lost my
Soul too
Lost indeed

Lost in
what you think
you want you need "

That's just perfect. I really love your poems for they have a slow, mellow, drawn out rhythm, makes them easy to relate to and let the emotions sink in.

[Muse]

I could feel the angst...so much anger...so much strife. You can't fix what wants to stay broken.

[Leslie Philibert]

Liked the rhymes in the second verse,Tough,interesting write.

[Meghan]

I like the short choppy flow of this piece it kept the reader on edge. Very nice write!

[.........]

This undoubtedly holds the ability to turn into a song. It has strength and is constructed nicely with its rhymes. One thing I cannot stand is a poem that only holds because of its rhyming but yours is only touched up with its wording and its a simple add-on rather than the entire construction of your writing.
I like the messages in your poem because you are honest and meaningful, and I can feel the emotion behind all of this. Anger, and it seems like you're pushing the words out one by one, because they're stuck in your throat and you just want to scream them out. It is, however, pretty straightforward and normally I like a little mystery... but I really like in this section that I see has been pointed out by someone other than just me: "Lost my Soul to Lust and speed Soul too Lost indeed"- that section really speaks out as different from the rest because of the style it is written in. This is very strong.

[TawnyBlueStar]

love short sentences. quickens the pace making the words more memorable.
love the "don't hate all women" stanza :D
I don't think it needs a lot of work

[Priscilla Sayers]

Pretty damn good if you ask me! A little rough, I might admit but it is raw, and raw is always good.

[stars are far]

This was really nice
and i think it has a quick rhyme :))

[Victoria PoetryBunny]

Nice write. I like this stanza:
"Don’t hate all women
Just a chosen few
Adore the virgin
Avoid the shrew
Given time I’d draw a line
Between the good and bad
To sit and rhyme for now is fine
An’ recall the had and should "

[xXxCynicalWarsxXx]

Spoken in agression and ever holding fast. Drives my heart into betrayal and livid fury as I read the words that seem to exist inside of me. Nice!