The First Christmas (in July)

Written in the style of a Grade 4 creative writing assignment.

 

                Billy was walking around one hot July day when he saw a wild reindeer wandering the neighbourhood.  He thought that was odd since he believed reindeers do not actually exist, but are just mythological creatures invented to pull Santa’s sleigh.  Billy’s sister Jenny pointed out that reindeers actually do exist, but are far more common in northern regions of Canada, Norway and Russia.  Billy said she was stupid for believing that, and Jenny said Billy was stupid because he was actually looking at a reindeer RIGHT NOW.  Billy said whatever and got on the reindeer’s back to try to fly it back to Santa’s workshop at the North Pole.  Jenny pointed out that in real life, reindeer can’t fly, but just as she said it, the reindeer took off like an airplane, so who’s stupid now, Jenny?

                The reindeer didn’t land at the North Pole, though.  Instead it went south to Thailand.  When they arrived, an elf explained that due to production costs, it was a lot cheaper to manufacture Christmas gifts in Southeast Asia.  The elf explained that Santa had been kidnapped by the evil Christmas-hating Pirate Captain Mortonson.  The elf asked Billy if he could do them a really big favour by rescuing Santa before the pirates killed him or something.

                Billy asked if that meant he got to ride the reindeer again, and the elf explained that due to animal import laws, it was technically not legal to keep a reindeer in Thailand.  But what they did have were flying dugongs, which are like slower, fatter manatees.  The elf stuck the reindeer in the shed with the others, and Billy harnessed up the Christmas dugongs and called them by name, just like in the Night Before Christmas poem:

                On Gomer, on Dweezil, on Sheldon, on Brian!
On Killer, on Worf, on Antonio, on Other Brian!
Go to the north, then take a right!
Get there really quick, or no dinner for you tonight!

                After flying for a while, trying to get the hang of steering a team of poorly-trained aquatic mammals not renowned for their flying ability, and enduring a lengthy detour involving an intricate corporate intrigue story and romantic subplot, Billy found Santa aboard Captain Mortonson’s ship.  The Christmas-hating Pirates were about to feed Santa to the deadly Giant Septapus, which is like an octopus, except it has one less arm, and it’s very self-conscious about it, which makes it more dangerous.

                From high above in the sleigh Billy dropped Christmas gifts onto the Septapus, mostly copies of Twilight Saga: Eclipse and Ke$ha’s Animal album.  This destroyed the Septapus, and Santa punched Captain Mortonson in the sternum to escape.

                Santa was so grateful he declared there would now be a second Christmas in July, just to spite Captain Mortonson and the Pirates.  Billy pointed out that he had destroyed all the Christmas gifts, and Santa decided that instead of giving gifts, people would just celebrate Christmas in July by drinking, which is all anyone really wants to do during the holidays anyhow.  Captain Mortonson vowed to get his revenge on Santa by destroying both Christmases, but he never got around to it, because you know how people get distracted.

 

THE END!