Half-Past Eight PMA Stage Play by Scott A. Williams When Mark learns that his old friend Beth is returning from 3 years in England, he must confront his feelings... with a vengeance!
Half-Past Play by Scott Williams CHARACTERS: Mark Johansen �" A romantic hero Perry Robbin �" A scoundrel Elaine �" A good girl gone astray Nancy �" A bad girl going good Louie Vercotti �" An underworld dealmaker Billy Vercotti �" An enforcer and sister of Louie Mikey Hoffs �" A coward Beth �" A dream girl Set �" a bus stop, early evening. MARK and PERRY enter. MARK has a folded up letter in his hands. They sit on the bench. PERRY: …Or the dog park. MARK: I don’t even have a dog. PERRY: Well, you could be out for a nature walk or something. It could be anywhere. You probably see tons of girls at your work. MARK: That I do. PERRY: And you don’t hit on them. MARK: No, I actually do my work. PERRY: Well you should give it a rest sometime and try to enjoy yourself. There are plenty of places to meet girls in this world and you are squandering them! MARK: I’m not squandering anything. I’m… PERRY: Waiting for a bus on a Thursday night. And why? MARK: (For the hundredth time) Beth’s coming home. PERRY: (Sarcastically) Beth’s coming home! Listen to yourself. What does this have to do with you? You haven’t seen her in a year. MARK: Three years. PERRY: And where’s she been? MARK: PERRY: And how many times did she call? Or write? MARK: Well… PERRY: Once. She wrote once. A week ago. To tell you she was coming home. From MARK: Clive. PERRY: Whatever. MARK: She wouldn’t have written if she didn’t want to see me. PERRY: Must be nice to finally be wanted. What’s the big deal about Beth anyway? MARK: You know… PERRY: Does she owe you money? MARK: …no. PERRY: (Pause) …Did she… steal your innocence? Mark, did Beth take your flower? MARK: No! PERRY: That’s totally it! You nailed Beth, and now you feel all guilty! MARK: No! Beth and I never had… anything. PERRY: But you… (Realizing) you liked her didn’t you! MARK: (Blushing) Shut up…! PERRY: You totally have a middle school crush on Beth! MARK: (Somewhat abruptly) How’s Kara these days? PERRY: She’s… fine. She has to go away this weekend and take care of her mom because her dad’s sick. MARK: She’s going alone? PERRY: Yeah. I mean, I’m gonna meet her up there later. I just figure it’s good to give a woman plenty of space, so we haven’t talked in a week. MARK: I think that’s the worst relationship advice I’ve ever heard. PERRY: Well where does it say I have to be around her 24/7 to help her with every little problem? MARK: Isn’t that what you said when you proposed? PERRY: Yeah. S**t, I guess we’ve gotta start planning that wedding. MARK: What’s it been, eight months and not even picked a date? PERRY: Seven months, and we’ve picked lots of dates but she keeps changing them. MARK: Eight months. You proposed at that Labour Day beach thing we did. PERRY: (Doing finger-math) Seven, eight… February… March… it’s March? MARK: April, genius. PERRY: Damnit. That means she’ll be done school soon… MARK: And you won’t be able to sit at home doing nothing? PERRY: Unemployment is a rollercoaster of life, my friend. A pause as MARK tries to contemplate this, before changing the subject altogether. MARK: Perry, who was that girl I saw you with on the weekend? PERRY: Huh? MARK: You know the one. PERRY: I didn’t see you on the weekend. MARK: I saw you with her at that coffee place across from my work. PERRY: Oh. Her. That was my… sister. MARK: You don’t have a sister. PERRY: Sure I do. MARK: Perry, you don’t have a sister, you never had a sister, and unless your parents get back together, you’re never going to have a sister. PERRY: I’ve had lots of sisters. (Pause to realize the lie hasn’t taken hold.) I don’t have to share my personal life with you. MARK: That’s all you ever do. PERRY: (Pause) Okay so last week, I was sitting outside the doctor’s office when I hear this voice. ELAINE enters. ELAINE: Perry Robbin? PERRY: (To MARK) And I say, (to ELAINE) Do I know you? ELAINE: Elaine Thomason! We went to high school together. PERRY: (To MARK) I still have no idea who she is. ELAINE: I was giving a report on Death of a Salesman and you threw a wadded-up ball of paper at me? PERRY: (To ELAINE) Oh! Paper girl! How are you? You look… good. ELAINE: You’re not so bad yourself. Where’ve you been lately? PERRY: Indoors, mostly. And you? ELAINE: University. Higher learning, you know. PERRY: Ah, I hear good things about it. (To MARK) So we go to the coffee shop and she says to me… ELAINE: You know, back in high school, I had a huge crush on you. Bet you never knew… ELAINE goes over to Perry, wraps her arms around him and begins fondling his chest from behind. MARK: You didn’t! PERRY: Can I finish my story please? God! Who do you take me for? MARK: (Unimpressed) Fine. PERRY: Okay. So anyway… then we did it. MARK: (Outraged) Perry! PERRY: What?! MARK: I can’t believe you! PERRY: Why? MARK: With PAPER GIRL?! ELAINE is upset by this remark and hurries offstage. PERRY: It’s not like it’s a crime to fool around a bit. MARK: Yes it is; it’s called adultery. PERRY: That’s a case for the civil courts! And only if I was ACTUALLY married! MARK: You really are a piece of work. PERRY: I’m quite the guy. MARK: You’re ridiculous. You know Kara’s gonna find out. PERRY: Why, are YOU gonna tell her? MARK: No, but she’s going to find out. It’s inevitable. PERRY: It was only one time. Pause. PERRY: It was only three times. Pause. PERRY: And I’m never going to see her again. Pause. PERRY: After tonight. MARK: You’re the scum of the Earth. PERRY: And what would you do without me? (Beat.) When is this magic bus coming? MARK: Half-past. PERRY: It’s quarter to! MARK: Half-past eight. PERRY: We’re forty-five minutes early?! You’re deranged. Can’t you just pick up girls in the cereal aisle like a normal human being? MARK: I’m not going to grope a single mom while she’s reaching for the Count Chocula. PERRY: (Laughing to self) Ah yes, Ms. O’Connell, she was always able to find a babysitter on short notice. MARK: With a libido like yours, it’s no wonder you keep pushing that date back. PERRY: No, that’s her. And on those grounds, I secretly suspect she’s cheating on me. MARK: Why do you say that? PERRY: It’s what I would do. MARK: No, it’s what you did. PERRY: Hey, get off it. It’s not like we did anything serious. MARK: Perry, you had sex with her! How much more serious could it get? PERRY: Well, I didn’t add her on Facebook. MARK: You are a high-class b*****d. PERRY: At least my dating strategies don’t involve the girl leaving the continent! MARK: (Embarrassed) Shut up… PERRY: So that entire time, you secretly harboured feelings for our friend Beth. MARK: Well not the entire time. (Somewhat dopily romantic) Do you remember when we went to see Spider-Man 2, and she couldn’t afford popcorn so I let her eat from mine? PERRY: I remember you didn’t let ME eat from your popcorn. MARK: Well, that’s when I knew. PERRY: I’ve never seen you so hung up on a chick. You clearly never got over her. MARK: Oh, I got over her. I mean, I dated Tricia and Amy for six and eight months respectively. PERRY: But you’re here anyway. MARK: I’m a good friend. PERRY: “Good friends” don’t get to touch naughty places. MARK: You’re making me very uncomfortable. PERRY: That’s just your hormones. Since apparently, you’re still going through puberty. MARK: It’s hard to believe you’re the most supportive friend I have. PERRY: Why do you love Beth so much? MARK: How am I supposed to answer that? PERRY: It’s my inquisitive nature. Humour me. MARK: Why does anyone love anybody? PERRY: Money and b***s. MARK: Well, she’s not rich. PERRY: And I’m the crass one. No, seriously. MARK: I don’t know. I look back on those times with Beth, when the three of us used to hang out all the time�" PERRY: Don’t forget Adam Hetherington was there a lot too. MARK: Yeah, but he wasn’t really part of our group. I just look back on those times as some of the best ones in my life. And a lot of that was because Beth and I were so close. PERRY: Hold up a sec. It’s too early to get that sentimental. I’m too sober for this. MARK: Well, you asked. PERRY: And I immediately regretted it. MARK: Why do you love Kara? PERRY: I told you. Money and b***s. MARK: You don’t marry a girl for money and b***s. PERRY: You’ve seen Kara in a bikini. MARK: Perry… PERRY: I’m… a complicated guy, in case you haven’t noticed. MARK: I struggle with it every day. PERRY: It just makes sense for me to be with Kara. She gets me. MARK: And yet you cheat on her. PERRY: Well, we’re not talking about me. So let’s get back to Beth, and why she stirs up all these strange feelings in the pit of your groin. MARK: I already told you why I�" PERRY: No, you gave me a vague feeling. MARK: There doesn’t have to be a concrete reason. If I have feelings for Beth, I have feelings for her. PERRY: But… and here it comes, so I want you to brace yourself… are you sure you really have feelings for her? MARK: Yes, I’m sure. PERRY: How sure? MARK: Very sure. PERRY: You don’t sound sure. MARK: I am completely certain. PERRY: Aha. Exhibit A. Carolyn Smith. Junior Year. You were going to take that find young girl out for dinner and a movie. You were sure she was right for you. And then what happened? MARK: I didn’t go. PERRY: You didn’t go, because your dad had baseball tickets. Pretty lame excuse, Mark. And then what happened? MARK: You know what happened. PERRY: She was so distraught that she went over to the house of another man and slept with him. MARK: She went over to your house and slept with you. PERRY: And it pretty much ruined her life. MARK: Isn’t she a lawyer now? PERRY: A lawyer and single, because after you and me, she could never trust another man. MARK: What exactly are you trying to say? PERRY: Mark, how could you possibly have had feelings for Beth this entire time and never tell me? Me. Perry Robbin. Your best friend in the world. The greatest man you know. MARK: It would’ve been awkward. PERRY: I never saw you make a move, even before she knew Clive. I mean, I’m hurt that you never even asked for my help. MARK: What could you have done to help? PERRY: Well, I could’ve punched Clive out the first time she met him. MARK: Wasn’t he an all-star rugby player? PERRY: I think the two of us could’ve taken him. I would’ve had your back, Mark. Because I’m your friend. MARK: Whatever. PERRY: That’s my point. After Carolyn seduced me, you were probably like, “Oh geez, she’s slept with Perry, I can’t be with her now.” And after Beth met Clive, you just shrugged your shoulders and went “Well, that’s the end of that.” MARK: It’s a little more complicated than that! PERRY: Not where I’m standing. Just do me a favour and don’t let it happen again. Stand up for yourself. Be a man. Don’t let her find some other British guy. MARK: It’s so easy for you. PERRY: I never let an opportunity slip away. MARK: Is that why you cheat so much? PERRY: Maybe. I told you, it’s complicated. There are a variety of factors at work here. MARK: Like what? PERRY: For starters, I’m good at it. MARK: We’re off to a great start. PERRY: I don’t know how I do it. I keep meeting women, and without even trying it just happens. Everything seems to fall into place for me with these women, and I have no idea how I do it. And Kara has yet to find out. MARK: Yeah, you’re a natural. PERRY: For another thing, Kara and I haven’t done it in a while. Pause. MARK: I can’t believe I’m asking, but how much of a while? PERRY: Four months. MARK: Really? Why? PERRY: Well, around that time she got a promotion, and she got really busy, and I… I have needs, Mark. Very strong needs. MARK: I think I’m gonna throw up. PERRY: That sounds familiar. MARK: Huh? PERRY: It was three years ago. After that big party at the end of school. MARK: Formal. PERRY: No wait, it was the after-party. Or maybe it was after the after-party. We were saying goodbye to Beth. PERRY stands. PERRY: You were lying face down, and Beth was… over here. BETH enters with luggage, MARK lies face down, drunkenly. All behave somewhat inebriated. PERRY: So when you come back, make sure you bring me some of those fish and chips! BETH: Perry, I’m going to be gone a long time. PERRY: Then you’d better put them in some plastic wrap! (Laughs to self at bad joke.) BETH: Perry, about what we were talking about earlier… PERRY: Beth, I’m telling you. Platypus is not a mammal! BETH: Yes! Yes it is, Perry. PERRY: Look it up! They’re like, an amphibious rodent, or something. BETH: That would make it a mammal. PERRY: They lay eggs. BETH: This is not even what I wanted to discuss. PERRY: Also they’re poisonous. BETH: Perry, I’m trying to… wait, poisonous? That can’t be right. PERRY: Beth, trust me on this. BETH: Perry, do you think I’m doing the right thing? Leaving the country? PERRY: You having second thoughts? BETH: Kind of. I mean, I know it’s all set up and everything… and I’m sure it’ll be great, but I’m just nervous, I guess, leaving home, living in a new country, not knowing anyone. PERRY: Like in that book, Stranger in a Strange Land? BETH: That’s not what that book is about. PERRY: Maybe I’m thinking of some other book. I should read more. BETH: Perry, focus. I’m having a crisis here, and my best friend is barely conscious. MARK: (Mutters gibberish.) BETH: If you were in my shoes, would you do the same thing? PERRY: In a second. Oh my God. Listen, there is nothing in this country to keep me here. BETH: That’s what I’m afraid of. PERRY: If you want, I’ll take your luggage and hop on that plane right now. BETH: I don’t think my stuff would fit you. PERRY: Beth, don’t let fear stop you from having epic adventures. You’re gonna kick a*s over there. And if Mark were capable of rational thought at the moment, I’m sure he’d say the same. BETH: Is he gonna be all right? MARK: (Grumbling drunkly) I’m’onna throw up…! PERRY: Yeah, I’ll just get him some coffee. BETH: Thanks, Perry. This is the most helpful you’ve ever been. It’s also the longest you’ve ever gone without looking at my b***s. PERRY: I have excellent peripheral vision. BETH: I think I’m really gonna miss you, you sleazy b*****d. PERRY: You’re making me blush. MARK: Look out… it’s the giraffe again… BETH: Tell him I said… goodbye. BETH leaves. PERRY and MARK return to normal positions. PERRY: Oh by the way, she said goodbye. MARK: Thanks a lot. PERRY: (Checks watch) I didn’t realize it was so late. I’ve gotta get to the flower shop before it closes. MARK: Do I even wanna know why? PERRY: It’s for Kara’s mom. MARK: You may be an a*****e, but you’re a caring a*****e. PERRY: I’m multifaceted. PERRY walks off, then steps back onstage. PERRY: Kiss Beth for me… with tongue! PERRY exits again. HOBO enters. MARK: (To audience) I didn’t really want to get into it with Perry, but I have to admit, this is kind of a big deal to me. Yes, in school I had a crush on Beth, but I thought I was over it. Tricia, I was really in love with. Amy was kind of a rebound. And yes, I haven’t had a date in months. A real date, anyway. Then I get this letter. Not an e-mail, not a postcard, a real letter with a stamp and en envelope and everything. (Reading) “Dear Mark,” - for some reason I now picture her with a British accent �" “I know we haven’t had contact in some time, but I didn’t know who else to tell. I will be coming home soon and I was hoping we could catch up.” She goes on to say, her flight gets in at this time and then she’ll be on this bus. And I thought, ‘Okay, it’s not far from my place. I can meet her there and it’ll be a nice surprise’, and now here I am… and I have no goddamn idea what I was thinking. I have no clue what to say. “Hey Beth, how was your flight? By the way, I love you!” Seems a bit forward, doesn’t it? (Checks watch) I’ve got a half hour. I could use a cup of coffee. And a shot of Jack. I can’t do this… (Starts to leave, then turns and sits back down.) …but I can’t leave either. HOBO: Great story, pal. Got any change? MARK: Huh? Oh, uh, no, sorry. I think I’ve got a coupon for a free doughnut at Tim’s… HOBO: No thanks. Don’t wanna rot my teeth. HOBO exits. NANCY enters. MARK: Huh? Yeah. NANCY: Well it looks to me like you’ve found someone. MARK: Oh, uh, no I didn’t mean… uh, besides I don’t even have all that much money�" MARK: Oh, God, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to… It’s just… you’re not a…--? MARK: You are. MARK: Yeah, it was… delightful... MARK: Nothing I feel like sharing, thanks. MARK glares at MARK: Really. MARK: Thanks anyway. NANCY: You wouldn’t believe what some people will just blurt out, right when you’re getting to work. One of my regulars just told me his mother used to�" MARK: That’s enough! MARK: Thanks. That’s actually kinda nice. MARK: No! NANCY: You like girls? MARK: Yes. NANCY: You a virgin? MARK: Will you�"no, I’m not. NANCY: Ever been in jail? MARK: What is with the questions? NANCY: I figure, you’re not going to tell me your story, so I might as well coax it out of you with a series of probing questions. MARK: Oh lord. NANCY: First impression. Nice, clean cut guy. Did okay in school, does okay with the ladies, but not great with either. You spend your whole life avoiding drama and to show for it, you’ve got a lousy job with too much responsibility, a small apartment, and a TiVo filled with episodes of CSI… Miami. MARK: My job isn’t lousy. NANCY: Notice you’re not denying anything else. MARK: I don’t want to encourage you. NANCY: You don’t get enough exercise. You’re thin enough that you can get away with it, but it shows in your lethargy. MARK: My “lethargy?” NANCY: Or malaise. (Points too head) You use this too much. MARK: Is there any point to this? NANCY: No. I mean, you’ve already said you’re not interested in what I have to offer, so I might as well tell you honestly what I see. I see a nice guy who just needs to do whatever he can to make himself happy. And really, I think you deserve it. MARK: …Thanks? NANCY: Do you want to know my story? MARK: No, I really don’t. NANCY: It’s just so hard. I’m never allowed to be honest with anybody. I just have to suppress my emotions and accept whatever my client wants. MARK: A lot of jobs are like that. NANCY: I’ve just been really restless lately. I’ve always considered job satisfaction a key element to happiness in life, and until recently I had nothing to complain about. MARK: You don’t say. NANCY: My mom always told me, “Nancy, the key to happiness is finding something you love doing, and getting paid for it.” And that’s exactly what I did. I got into the business straight out of University. MARK: You went to University? NANCY: Of course! Didn’t you? MARK: Well, yeah. NANCY: And I bet I paid off my student loans a lot quicker than you. Well, it started as an internship. Getting coffee for pimps, servicing the Cadillac, picking up their pimp hats at the dry cleaners. I used to do nails and make-up for some of the girls. Mostly sour old chicks in their 40’s who’d been around forever and seen everything. I still remember my first date. “Work-date,” I mean. He was so cute. A little younger than you. What are you, 23? MARK: Twenty-four. NANCY: Yeah, he was younger than you. He was as nervous as I was. He couldn’t get it up at first, and he started laughing, and then I started laughing and then before you knew it, up he went. And that’s when I knew I loved this job. Because I care about people. I just wish I could still feel that way. A substantial pause. Both remain seated, MARK tries to ignore NANCY. MARK: Listen, it’s been really nice chatting, but I think I’m going to go… wait someplace else for a while. MARK exits. NANCY remains for a moment before the HOBO enters. HOBO wanders aimlessly a moment before creeping up behind NANCY. HOBO: Spare change? NANCY: What do I look like, a bank? I’m working here! HOBO lays off, spacing out in the background. PERRY re-enters from the opposite side. PERRY: Mark? I�"oh. Hey, have you seen a guy around here? About yea-tall, whiney voice? PERRY: Ah well, wasn’t that important I guess. PERRY starts to go before turning back. PERRY: Hey, you doin’ anything? PERRY: Hey, I’ve got cash! How does… (takes money from pocket and counts) Twelve… seventy-six sound? PERRY: Right back at ya! PERRY storms off in a huff. HOBO approaches and listens intently. NANCY: (To audience) Last week, I turned 30. It’s not a big deal, but I didn’t figure I’d still be doing this after so long. I had plans. I was gonna meet a guy, like Richard Gere, who had money and wanted to save me. But you know what I realized? All those guys with money who pick up hookers? They’re total a******s. And they don’t tip. A friend of mine moved out to California last year. She sent me an e-mail recently saying she’s been in 70 movies since then. Why couldn’t that be me? Do exactly what I’m doing now, but for the cameras? Give my family something to be proud of! I wish I had the guts to make a change. To take control of my life and try something new! To be the best Nancy I can! HOBO kisses NANCY on the mouth. HOBO: Sorry, I just got really caught up in the moment. NANCY: Your breath is really fresh. HOBO: Thanks. I drink a lot of mouthwash. NANCY: Well, get out of here, I think I see a customer coming. HOBO wanders off in search of bagels. A moment later, LOUIE enters and passes NANCY an envelope. LOUIE: Be at this address in 20 minutes, and be dressed as Betty Rubble. Betty Rubble, and not Wilma Flintstone. NANCY: (To audience) What can I say? It’s a living. NANCY rushes off. LOUIE checks his watch. LOUIE: BILLY enters. BILLY: He’s runnin’ a little late, boss. LOUIE: I don’t like this. I don’t do business with un-punctual people. It makes me nervous. And you know what happens when I get nervous. BILLY: People die. LOUIE: Not so loud, Billy. BILLY: Sorry, boss. LOUIE: I will wait for exactly 36 more seconds. If Mr. Hoffs does not show by then, I will cancel our meeting and make sure no man ever does business with him again. BILLY: You mean you’ll kill him? LOUIE: Shut up Billy! It’s like you don’t even care enough to pretend. Seriously. Like you want me to get caught so you can take over the business, is that it? BILLY: No, boss. LOUIE: Damn right that’s not what you want. Now stand there and look threatening. 7… 6… 5… 4… MIKEY rushes into the scene, breathless. MIKEY: Sorry I’m late Mr. Vercotti. I thought we were meeting at that bench over there. LOUIE: You were mistaken. Fortunately, you corrected this. One more second and I would have left. BILLY: Three seconds, boss. LOUIE: SHADDAP, BILLY! Now Mr. Hoffs, please elaborate for me exactly what I can do for you. MIKEY: Well you see, I run a little family grocery store on Elm, but the Ultra Food Mart across the road has been driving me out of business. Can you help me? LOUIE: Of course I can, Mr. Hoffs. The question is, what can you give me in return? MIKEY: Ten percent off all fruits and vegetables? LOUIE looks at BILLY. She shrugs. LOUIE: Twenty. MIKEY: Fifteen. LOUIE: Nineteen and a half. MIKEY: That’ll work. LOUIE: Excellent. Now let me introduce you to my sister, Billy. She’s the best strong-arm in the business. MIKEY: (Shaking her hand, somewhat attracted to her) Gee, I didn’t think there were many women in the “muscle for hire” business… LOUIE: Do not be insane, Mr. Hoffs. Before her operation, there were none. MIKEY: What kind of… oh!! Oh. LOUIE: It is a tremendous disgrace to my family that the brother I once knew would use our father’s money for this. BILLY: He always wanted a daughter. LOUIE: You disgust me! MIKEY: Uh… hello? LOUIE: Right. The matter at hand. Suffice it to say, the manager of the Ultra Food Mart will be unable to refuse an offer from Billy. BILLY: If he did, I’d kill him. LOUIE: Shut up Billy, you simple little lump! I swear if you weren’t my brother… sister… whatever! I would have gotten rid of you already! Now then Mr. Hoffs. In these situations I find it relaxing to celebrate a new business arrangement at the pub. Do you drink? MIKEY: No, I like coffee. LOUIE: No, trust me. You like liquor. MIKEY and LOUIE turn to go. LOUIE: Billy, you stay here a while. I will call if I need you. BILLY stays there for a moment alone before MARK re-enters. MARK: Oh, uh… hey. BILLY: Hi. MARK sits down on the bench. There is palpable awkwardness. MARK: It’s a… nice night, eh? BILLY: Oh yeah… it is. Pause. BILLY: …I really like springtime. MARK: Uh huh… More awkwardness. MARK: Sorry, do you have the time? I think my watch may be slow. BILLY: Not on me, but it’s like MARK: Thanks. That’s about what I have. BILLY: Waiting for someone? MARK: Yeah, they should be here at half-past. BILLY: You’re early. MARK: I know, I just wanted to make sure I was here when she gets here… plus, I don’t have anywhere else to be. BILLY: Oh, a woman? MARK: Yeah, an old friend… she was living in England, and now she’s back… BILLY: You and her ever… y’know? MARK: Oh, no, no, no… BILLY: I see… MARK: Well I wanted to, I just… I mean, when she gets here, I’m gonna tell her, I don’t know… that I wanna start a, y’know… relationship. BILLY: Aw, that’s sweet. What do you think she’ll say? MARK: No, probably. But it’s one of those things you’ve gotta do. I’m Mark, by the way. BILLY: Billy. Nice to meet you. (They shake hands) So why so uncertain? MARK: I just don’t know. We were friends for so long, but it’s been years since we’ve seen each other. And I just think in all that time, how much has changed? And the answer is… not a whole lot. I’m still the same person I was when I knew her, except I’ve got a better job and a nicer haircut. If she didn’t want me then, why would she want me now? I’m just worried that I’m kidding myself. That she would never want someone like me. But I don’t mean to think out loud too much, don’t mind me. BILLY: You know, Mark, when I was a little younger, I was in love with someone. MARK: (Aside) Seems like everyone’s got a story tonight. BILLY: It wasn’t some stupid teenage crush, either, I thought. This felt like the real thing. We spent an entire summer at his beach house. We’d make love in the evenings, and waffles in the morning. MARK: How romantic. BILLY: But there was just this one little thing about me he couldn’t seem to get over. No matter how much I changed for him �" my hair, my clothes, my personality �" he couldn’t help but fixate on this one little problem, and in the end, it tore us apart. But I don’t mind. I realize now that if he couldn’t forget that one little thing then he really didn’t care about me. So it doesn’t matter how much you change. If someone loves you, it’s because of who you really are. MARK nods. MARK: So, what was it? BILLY: What? MARK: The one little thing, the reason he couldn’t love you? BILLY: It was because… I’m Italian. He just couldn’t get over the fact that I’m Italian. MARK: Wow, that’s… BILLY: Yeah. Racist. MARK: I was gonna say, that’s not really at all what I was getting at, but… it was a nice story. BILLY: I didn’t mean to pour my heart out like that, but I guess I owed you one. MARK: Heh. Yeah, I guess you did. BILLY: We’ve got a lot in common, Mark. A lot. Oh, hold on. BILLY answers cell phone. BILLY: (To MARK) Vibrate. (Into phone) Yeah boss? LOUIE: (From offstage) Billy, I need you down here. Mr. Hoffs is a bleeder. BILLY: Right away. (Hangs up) I’ve gotta go. Listen Mark, you seem like a nice guy, and any girl would have to be crazy not to say yes. So… if she’s crazy… BILLY hands MARK a business card. BILLY: Gimme a call, okay? MARK: Okay… sure. BILLY rushes off. MARK glances at the business card before sticking it in his pocket. MARK: Billy Vercotti, Assistant Manager, Louie’s Italian Cuisine. Hm. There is a brief pause. Mark yawns. MARK: Ah… I’ve still got some time. I didn’t think I’d be so tired, but… maybe if I just rest my eyes… MARK lies down and begins to sleep. ELAINE enters. ELAINE: Mark? Wake up, Mark. MARK slowly wakes up, ELAINE sits next to him. MARK: Huh? Who’s there? ELAINE: It’s me, Elaine. MARK: Elaine…? What are you doing here? ELAINE: You’re having a dream, Mark. MARK: Why would I dream about you? I don’t even really remember what you looked like. ELAINE: Well after you and Perry had that conversation, you started trying to remember me, so here I am. MARK: We’re not gonna, like…. do anything, are we? ELAINE: Mark, are you such a prude that you don’t even want to get laid in your own dreams? MARK: No, it’s just that you and Perry--! ELAINE: Whatever. That’s not why I’m here, no. ELAINE removes overcoat to reveal something rather revealing. MARK: Any why are you dressed like that? ELAINE: It’s your dream, Mark. Just be glad I’m not dressed like your mother. MARK: Can’t I just lie down? ELAINE: Not right now, Marky. We’ve got some stuff to talk about. MARK: Like what? ELAINE: Well do you remember the last time you saw Beth? MARK: Sure, the after-party at Scott Conorton’s place. ELAINE: It must’ve been really fun. MARK: It was okay… weren’t you there? ELAINE: You can’t remember whether I was there, so you don’t know if I had fun. MARK: Oh, right. ELAINE: I probably was, though. What did you say to Beth that night? MARK: Apparently, I told her I had to throw up. ELAINE: Before that. MARK: “Goodbye” I guess? ELAINE: Mark, you know what I’m talking about. MARK: I… called her a stinky b***h and said I never wanted to see her again. ELAINE: Now Mark, is that really such a nice thing to say to a girl you love? MARK: I didn’t mean it! I was drunk! ELAINE: A man would never say something drunk he wasn’t thinking sober. MARK: But “stinky b***h?” That’s not even… she smelled nice! ELAINE: But why do you think you said that to her? MARK: You mean apart from alcohol? ELAINE: You had those feelings because… MARK: …Because…? A brief tense pause as MARK fails to comprehend. ELAINE: Okay, finish this sentence. “My name is Mark and I called Beth a stinky b***h because I was BLANK.” MARK: Drunk? ELAINE: Jealous! There she was, moving off to MARK: Hey I had things… nice things! ELAINE: Your place in life, Mark! You weren’t happy with that. Oh, and also you were completely in love with her. MARK: Well how could I forget about that? ELAINE: And what really bothered you was that you never took the chance to tell her, instead you just watched her leave your life. And you felt guilty for having those feelings even though you were sure she didn’t feel the same way. And all of these unresolved issues finally exploded that night when you called her… what was it again? MARK: …“Stinky b***h.” ELAINE: Right. Now here’s where it gets tough. When you wake up, you’re going to have to confront your feelings. Otherwise, you’ll just go on saying things like “Stinky B***h.” And is that really any way to live? MARK: I guess not. ELAINE: You’re a really nice guy, Mark. You deserve a little happiness, but you’ve gotta grab it for yourself. MARK: You think so? ELAINE: Sure. Even though I’m just part of your subconscious, you know I’m right. MARK: I actually feel a little bit better about this. ELAINE: Then I guess my work here is done. ELAINE gets up to leave. As she makes her way to the exit she stops and turns. ELAINE: Oh by the way… MARK: Hm? ELAINE: Perry and I didn’t do anything. MARK: What? ELAINE: He took me over to his place, and we talked a bit, but I saw an envelope on his kitchen table that was addressed to “Kara,” and I left. What kind of girl do you think I am? MARK: Paper girl? A pause. ELAINE glares at MARK. MARK: He said you guys did it. ELAINE: Really. MARK: Three times. ELAINE: He also once said his grandma invented Eggo Waffles. MARK: Good point. ELAINE: Oh, but don’t be too surprised. He left my phone number by his night stand, and Kara’s definitely going to see it, so he’ll probably show up at your house tonight looking for a place to stay. MARK: I told him so. ELAINE: You definitely did. Good luck, Mark. MARK: Thanks, Paper girl. ELAINE leaves. MARK lies back down. BILLY and LOUIE enter. LOUIE: Look at this. This is pathetic! Bums, just sleepin’ on benches out in the open! (Reaches inside jacket for gun.) I oughtta whack this bum right now. BILLY: No, boss! This is Mark! He ain’t homeless. I met him a few minutes ago, we was talking. He’s a nice guy! LOUIE: Not homeless, eh? Well he oughtta be advised that sleepin outside like this ain’t safe. (Pause) He could catch a cold. BILLY: He’ll be fine. So, what’s the plan, boss? LOUIE: Tomorrow, you will pay a visit to the manager of this Ultra Food Mart, and you and he will have a talk. The gist of this talk will be the fact that if Mr. Ultra Food does not close his shop, or at least raise his prices, something very, very horrible will happen to his store. Which reminds me, perhaps you ought to escort Mr. Hoffs to the emergency room, to ensure he does not die before we receive our payment. BILLY: Our discount produce cards. LOUIE: That is correct. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an important business meeting. BILLY: Judy Jetson? LOUIE: Betty Rubble. BILLY exits to one side of stage, LOUIE to the other. The HOBO emerges from behind the bush and removes MARK’s cell phone from his pocket. He dials a number. HOBO: Hello, Mrs… Bench-man? I have your son for hostage. My demands are booze and quarters. If you do not supply these things, I will do terrible things… on him. HOBO hangs up and stumbles off. After a moment, BETH enters. BETH: Mark? …Mark? MARK: (Slowly awakening) …Beth? BETH: Mark, oh my God you got my letter! MARK: Yeah, I was waiting here… I must’ve fallen asleep… BETH: It’s so good to see you! They hug. BETH: How are you? MARK: I’m okay… how about you? How was BETH: It was… awful. Clive dumped me three months after we got there, and left me on my own without any place to stay. MARK: Why didn’t you just come back after that? BETH: I guess after all the fuss I made about leaving, I wanted to prove to myself I went for a good reason. All I did was work in a bakery for three years, pay the rent, and try to save up enough money to come home. And the weather… just terrible, Mark. Three years of rain. MARK: I’m sorry to hear that. BETH: It’s just good to be home. Do you mind if I relax for a minute? I’ve been riding on planes and buses all day. They sit. MARK: Sure, take all the time you need. I’ve been here all night. BETH: You’ve just been waiting here? MARK: Well it’s not what you think. I just… didn’t have anything better to do. Perry was here too, for a while. BETH: Perry? Perry Robbin? MARK: The one and only. BETH: God, I hate that guy. MARK: What? Why? BETH: Well, after we slept together… MARK: Slept together? BETH: …all those times… MARK: How many times?! BETH: Like seven or eight. And afterwards it got extremely awkward. And he just kept calling me every night, at like, 2 in the morning, saying “Where are you baby, I miss you so much, you’re the only girl who understands me.” I mean it was just like, are you a 13-year-old girl? Anyway, that’s basically the entire reason I left the country. Just to get away from that guy and his neediness. (Mark is near catatonic with shock.) Mark… I’m f*****g with you. MARK: (Laughs awkwardly) Oh, ha ha, good one… yeah. BETH: So how is he? I heard he’s been seeing someone. As much as he ever “sees” anyone. MARK: Actually, it’s pretty serious. They got engaged last year. BETH: Shut up! MARK: Seriously! BETH; Is she�" MARK: Basically dominates him. BETH: And he�" MARK: Still cheats. BETH: That guy. MARK: I know. I don’t even know why it still shocks me, but it does. BETH: I actually think I kind of understand it. MARK: How so? BETH: Well, it’s normal to get uncomfortable when you get close to someone. I was close with Clive, and look where it got me. MARK: It got you to England. BETH: Yes, glorious England, where I got to pour coffee and mix muffins for three years, where I couldn’t drive a car without feeling like I’m living in Bizzarro-world. Some vacation that was. Some escape. MARK: And now you’re back. BETH: It’s like some long, ridiculous dream I finally woke up from. MARK: Ridiculous dream… that reminds me. See, Beth, I remember saying some things to you that night before you left… BETH: Really… MARK: Yeah, just weird, very out-of-character mean things. BETH: Well Mark… I can’t say I remember. We were all really, really wasted that night. I mean, I remember going up to that Elaine girl and calling her a stinky b***h. Can you imagine that? MARK: You don’t say. BETH: I wonder what she’s been doing lately… MARK: I think I know how to get in touch with her. BETH: Hm? MARK: Never mind, I’ll tell you later. Do you wanna get some coffee or something? BETH: That’d be nice. We can catch up and you can tell me all the amazing things you’ve been up to. MARK: That’ll be a short story. I mostly just work these days. BETH: Hm… speaking of which, I need to find myself some kind of job… MARK: Well actually, I could help you out, if you want. My dad retired last year and I became the store manager in charge of hiring. We always need cashiers and stuff, if you like. BETH: As long as I’m not baking muffins for British people, it’s fine with me! Uh, where do you work again? MARK: Oh, it’s the supermarket on Elm… Ultra Food Mart. They walk off �" end! © 2010 Scott A. WilliamsAuthor's Note
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1 Review  Last Updated on August 15, 2010 Author
Scott A. WilliamsGTA, CanadaAboutBorn in Toronto. Raised in the suburbs. Schooled in journalism. Lookin' for meaning in an uncertain world. I spend a lot of time writing for a girl whom I'm not sure exists, but I thought she wasn.. more..Writing
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