Red Letter 'A'

The pressure of perfectionism is constant and eventually takes its toll TW: depiction of self-harm

The school thing is easy

I’m gifted, they say

It’s why I always come home

With a big, red A

My mother is happy

She praises me so

I pick up a magnet

On the fridge my work goes

I go to school every day

And the lessons get longer

The schoolwork piles up

The more I get taller

I start to play music

I have baseball to play

But I keep getting those papers

With that big red letter A

Now I’m in junior high

They begin talking college

My head, it quite hurts

Starting to fill with more knowledge

My backpack gets heavy

I hear my mom say

“Sure that B’s great honey

But where’s my red letter A?”

Our lockers are shared

I can’t escape the hawk stare

As they chew up their gum

And it sticks to my hair

High school on the horizon

More work will come
And now I will wake

Long before the morning sun

The work just gets harder

Classes to push me to think

The pressure

Its mounting

I’m being pushed to the brink

Mother frowns now

When report cards come in

The letter A is no more

And it’s not been quite the same

“Your life, it is ruined

No more games on your free days

Until those grades come up and

I see my red letter A’s”

Mother mother, you’ll see it

The biggest letter I can give

As my eyes burn with fresh tears

My nose runs like a sieve

With razor in hand

‘I’m so sorry’ I say

As the blade cuts my skin

I look down on my work

On the red letter A

The world stops still

As my body is moved

My feet shuffle, guided

So numb in my shoes

The room is stark white

And there’s hardly a sound

I close my eyes tight and I think

Of the feelings I’ve drowned

I’m free now, I’m working

An adult on my own

Thinking back on those times

When I felt so alone

My wife holds my hand

Puts a kiss to my cheek

I pull up my sleeve

And take one more peek

At the mark hatred left me

It will never go away

But I’ll never be shackled

By that red letter A