Chapter VIII: The Gray Area

Chapter VIII: The Gray Area

July 5, 2022

Dear Diary:
Things have never been better, we’re all a functioning household! My siblings’ significant others seem to compliment them well, it’s cute to see, considering I’m so much older than them. Lana and Javier act like a little husband and wife, it’s so adorable. Speaking of, I've really gotten good conversation with this guy named Raymond that I met online. Turns out he only lives a few blocks away. He’s an import, from the south and his accent is cute, I’m not gonna lie. Turns out he likes the same kinds of games and movies I do. We’ve been talking online for about a month, and we’ve met a few times. He seems like a really nice guy. His friends are a little weird, they’re Hispanic, but they give off that ‘gangster’ vibe, know what I mean? I hope I don’t have to see too much of them. They give me the willies. Like, when they talk to me, they’re respectful and stuff, but I still don’t like their vibe, something feels off. Maybe I’m being stereotypical of my own race? I don’t wanna do that, but I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt. That matters, right? Anyway, Raymond has that sweet southern charm, like he does like, gentlemanly things, pulls out my chair, opens doors for me, kissing my hand, and calls me ‘miss’ a lot. He’s from Georgia, said it’s getting too hot down there. I don’t blame him, it only snowed once last year, and we’re a city carved into the mountains in a northern state. Anyhoo, we’re going on a date tonight, I hope it goes well, and I hope we’re alone this time.
Sandra makes her way to the restaurant, and she looks around for him. She doesn’t see him yet. She goes in and takes a seat. She orders a juice from the waitress, and sits and waits. After an hour of waiting, Sandra gets hungry and orders a sandwich, and Raymond walks in. “You’re late!” Sandra snaps.
“Don’t get snippy with me, I’m on time!” Ray, a short, tan man with a large moustache and cowboy outfit.
“We agreed five, its quarter after six!”
“I’m sorry, darlin’. I didn’t mean to be late, I thought I was on time!”
“I sent you a bunch of messages, didn’t you get them?”
“Nah, mah phone got shut off, ah need money to pay it.”
“So, get a job!”
“Why don’t you get a job?”
“Because I’m disabled!”
“You look fine to me!”
“They’re called invisible illnesses, Ray!”
“So how do you know you got em?”
“Doctors did tests, and I can feel everything. Seizures, nerve pain, brain fog, problems wish speech.”
“Did you just say ‘wish speech’?”
“That’s the kind of thing I’m talking about! My brain is getting worse.”
“So, what’s goin’ on?”
“I’m trying to get disability. I expected neurological deterioration, but didn’t expect it this early in life.”
“So, you’re just going to give up? You’re getting a job!”
“I can’t. I’m dis-”
“No yer not! Yew ken walk just fine!”
“You just don’t know what it’s like to live knowing your brain is slowly deteriorating, along with my nerves.” She starts to cry.
“Oh, darlin’ I’m sorry, I guess ah just didn’t realize what yew live through.”
“Why are you so late?”
“Oh, got caught up talkin’ with someone in the house, I went over to see where yeh were, and then I got caught up talkin’ to yer dad, I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok.” She smiles.
“Ah missed yeh.”
“I missed you too, I can’t believe we don’t meet more often.”
“Well, ah freelance in other cities, dealin’ with junk, mostly. Keeps me busy.”
“I thought you didn’t have a job.”
“Well, it ain’t on the books, but it’s still work! Yeh know what yew should do to git money?”
“What?”
“Sell yer old junk, like them old vidya game systems!”
“I don’t wanna sell those!”
“That’s the beauty of it, yeh pawn it, then when yeh earn enough, you can buy it back when yeh git yer money! You’ll have money fer now, and then you’ll get money later AND yer game systems!”
“I don’t really wanna do that, but I’m still on unemployment, so I’m good.”
“Ok, but if yeh need a last resort, that’s always a option.”
“I hope not, I don’t ever wanna get that desperate.”
“I know exactly what yeh mean.”

July 5, 2022 (Continued)

Dear Diary:
That was a weird date I had with Raymond today. He’s been dodging questions about what he does for a living, and I guess he was just ashamed to be a junkman. It’s a living, I get it, but I’m not really into the country bumpkin lifestyle driving around picking up junk and scrapping it. It’s ok, honestly it could have been worse. He could be a bad guy working for the mafia or something. He’s going on another trip to go scrapping, he usually disappears for a few days, then comes back with all this money. He still insists I pay for myself, or I’m going to have to eventually pay him back if he covers me. I was short once cause my payment hadn’t gone through yet, so I had to pay him back next time I saw him. I don’t like that about him, maybe I can get out of this while I still can, he doesn’t really seem my type anymore now that I’ve gotten to know him better. I’m not into the rednecky type, and his control over money is a little overbearing, I thought he was my boyfriend?
We’ve kissed, held hands, and gone to second base. I don’t like rushing things too quickly, and he’s actually been pretty cool with it. Oh man, what if I’m not the only girl he’s talking to? What if all these ‘scrap trips’ are just part of his circle of booty or whatever. I think I need to talk to him when he gets back, I need to know for sure if I’m just wasting my time or not. What if he doesn’t actually scrap and he’s just tail chasing, and getting other girls to pay for him? Nah, I think the weed’s a little strong tonight, I should give him the benefit of the doubt, after all, again, isn’t he supposed to be my boyfriend? I overthink so much, maybe I should just roll with the flow. I have a new boyfriend, and I’m happy that I do, I shouldn’t do this to myself, but I always do. I should just not interfere. We’ll just have to see.

July 14, 2022

Dear Diary:
Wow, I still can’t believe this necklace he bought me! It’s gold with a red jewel inside. He said he remembered how my favorite color was red, and when he saw it, he thought of me. How sweet is that? Maybe I shouldn’t be quick to drop him just yet. I just hope he doesn’t charge me for it. I really hope I’m kidding about that. Who knows how much he paid for this? It would go perfectly with my favorite red dress. I haven’t worn it in years, but I hope to one day have a special enough occasion to wear it, and this necklace would go so perfectly with it! Maybe he found it while he was scavenging and just cleaned it up? Oh well, I guess it’s the thought that counts, right? Ugh, when he showed up, he had his two cholos with him. I’m sure they help him find the stuff. We have a date tonight, but nothing fancy, so I’ll just wear my normal clothes, but I’m going to get everything I’ve been overthinking the past two weeks off my chest with him, and hopefully he won’t get too mad.
Sandra and Raymond meet up at a different restaurant than last time, and take a seat. “Ray, I have something to ask you.” Sandra begins.
“What’s the matter, sweetheart?”
“Am I the only girl you’re talking to?”
“Well, I’m just dating around a bit...”
“Oh, I thought we were exclusive.”
“If you wanna be, we can. I was just keeping my options open. But if you wanna go steady, that’s just what we’ll do.”
“Do you mean it?”
“Yup, you can come a junkin’ with me and the boys!”
“I’m not sure I’m ready for that.”
“You know what? You’re right, we’ve just begun goin’ out, what was I thinking?”
“So does that mean I won’t have to owe you anymore?”
“What? My money is my money, your money is our money, get it?”
“That sounds awful!”
“Hey, I’m the man of this relationship, you’re going to do your part in this.”
“Fine, if I go junking with you, I want a cut!”
“Hold on there, missy. We’ll have to really get to know each other, and I mean, really, really get to know each other. He grabs Sandra’s breast.
“I’m still not sure I’m ready, it has only been a month, and barely that, that’s a big price to pay just to join you on your excursions.”
“Look, I promise I’ll find a place in my bidness fer ya.”
“Are you offering me a job?”
“In a sense.”
“Tell me more about it.”
“It’s gonna require total commitment and dedication.”
“Sounds big, and I gotta tell you, it’s a huge step in our relationship if I sleep with you.”
“Now why’s that, darlin’?”
“Because I tend to only sleep with men who I completely love, and I’m not there yet, I don’t mind to sound like a prude.” Sandra recounts her past, to Ray’s shock. “So believe me, when I say it may be months, it may be a year, who knows?”
“I see, that’s a lot of baggage. Alright, you wanna know what I do, and I can’t tell you, because you might not like what I do.”
“To tell you the truth, I’m a tad germophobic, and being in a landfill will gross me out, but people have found neat stuff, so who knows? But I really have to think on this, because this could end up being the rest of my life.”
“You’d marry me? Woah, hold on there, missy, we tain’t talkin’ bout marriage jest yet, but I suppose that would be the endgame, huh? Alright, take as much time as you need.”
“Thank you for understanding.”
“It’s all good, I promise I’ll take this check, and you won’t hafta owe me, sound good?”
“Deal.”

July 14, 2022 (Continued)

Dear Diary:
Why is he making such a big deal out of his business if it requires I sleep with him? It’s kinda gross, actually. We sort of treat our relationship like it’s a business, it’s weird. Nobody else has chatted me up on negotiating terms before, not like this at least. I think I’m going to milk this, this is a huge decision, and I’ve only known the guy a little over a month. If he’s as good a guy as I hope he is, he’ll understand. You know what’s weird? I asked dad what he and Raymond talked about. He said they didn’t talk very long, he just asked where I was and then left. Raymond told me he got caught up talking to my dad, and I definitely believe my dad over him. Why would he lie like that? Maybe he did some scrapping and lost track of time. I just wish he was more honest on small things like that, cause what big things could he be hiding? Maybe I’m just overreacting again. This is the first time I’m dating someone completely new, not someone I already knew or thought I knew, so this is scary for me. Especially since five years ago, the love of my life died, and I came close to joining him, but I survived, and there are some days I wish I hadn’t. He was my favorite person ever, and now he’s gone. But I have to move on, and I need to suck it up and try with this one, he seems like a good guy. You know, for a guy who scraps junk, he doesn’t smell bad at all. Those Mexican guys usually smell like B.O and sweat. He probably makes them do the heavy lifting. Wow, I’m dating a stereotype. Not sure how I feel about this. He treats me nice most of the time, is that enough? He’s still alive, and he likes me, I’ll take it.
At least he’s not like Jack, I’m grateful for that. Well, I’m going to Francine’s tomorrow. Talking to my best friend usually helps. Well, good night.
The next day, Sandra is hanging out at Francine’s. “...so what should I do?” Sandra asks.
“You know what? You've been screwed by life so much, if this guy has money, I’d say go for it! That was a pretty nice necklace he gave you!”
“Yeah, but I’m thinking maybe it’s cleaned garbage.”
“At least he cared enough to clean it.” Francine shrugs.
“Oh man, I am so confused.”
“Look. Are you happy? Does he make you happy?”
“Most of the time, except when he does that money thing or trying to tell me what to do.”
“That’s just a guy thing, probably. You know how they like to think they’re the ones in charge.”
“Haha, I guess you’re right.”
“Of course I am, just tease him long enough for a good while, until you’re not just teasing him, you actually care about him, maybe he does something that totally blows your mind, but eventually, you’re either gonna wanna stay with him or not. The second he turns violent, run.”
“He’s a hunter, that probably won’t work.”
“Oh, jeez. If you ever feel trapped, and don’t think you can’t escape, call me and I’ll come and get you.”
“Thanks, Francine.”
“No problem, bestie.”
“It would just be great if I finally found my person, even if he is a little hickish.”
“Yeah, you never know, just cause he’s different than you doesn’t necessarily mean it won’t work out.”
“You’re right, I’ve been giving him and his friends the benefit of the doubt, and so far so good. I mean, even if he did pick it out of someone’s garbage, he still thought of me, and that’s kind of sweet if you ask me.”
“That’s one way of looking at it.”
“I have a good feeling about this one.”
“That’s good of you to hear. Glad you’ve turned yourself around.”
“Yeah, I haven’t felt this good in years. And that’s more than just the weed talking.”
“That’s great to hear, you’ve been a mess for most of the time I’ve known ya.”
“Aren’t we all a mess?”
“Absolutely, look at me.”
“Yeah, crazy how things change. And finally for the best. Look at us, you’re a mom of three boys, and I’m their auntie, and I’m dating a sweet guy who may not be the uh, best choice, but I guess it’s what’s in the heart that matters.”
“Couldn’t have said it better myself, Sandy.”
“Not the kind of guy I thought I’d end up with, though.”
“Just take it as a win.”
“Know what? You’re right, I shouldn’t complain, he could always be worse.”