Part II: Unbalanced Electrical Storm: Chapter VI: Sandra

Part II: Unbalanced Electrical Storm

Chapter VI: Sandra

May 22, 2022

Dear Diary:

It’s been five years since I got shot and Charlie died. While I truly will never be over him, I’m no longer crying myself to sleep. We barely had a chance to be together, and he’s dead as soon as I get him. I really do have the worst luck when it comes to dating, I should really give up already. What’s the point? All of my relationships ended in failure, in death. I don’t get what’s so wrong with me that life always finds a way to f**k me. I’m a good person, I don’t go out of my way to cause trouble, I want what’s best for everyone, and I have nothing but massive amounts of love to give, and it either gets taken advantage of, or it’s short lived. Just the sight of people disgusts me, I don’t look at someone and say, I wonder what kind of person are they? Would we get along? No, instead I think, ‘ugh, gross’. I still feel attraction, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that the idea of getting to know someone, their family and friends, becoming bonded, sounds like a lot of work, and I’ve had so much heartbreak already, I don’t think I’m strong enough to do it again, it sounds exhausting. A lot has happened in the last five years.
First of all, Lizzie and her boyfriend split a couple of years after my niece was born, and is now dating some guy she met in the army way back when she was there, and he has a couple of kids too. My parents divorced too, I never thought I’d be thirty when my parents would divorce, but it turns out my mom has been cheating on my dad for years, and he caught her in the act, and filed for divorce. I lost my job teaching thanks to Covid, so I had to move in back with my dad. I’d rather be with my dad than my mom anyway, my mom was a bit too controlling. I’ve recently been diagnosed with MS, so there’s that too. I’m thinking of throwing in the towel and applying for disability. I’m going to be 35 this year, I’m almost 40. F**k, not even middle aged yet and I’m already falling apart. Oh well, it’s just something else I gotta deal with the rest of my life. I was already born with epilepsy, so it’s not like I don’t know what it’s like to live without a serious medical condition. MS is the degeneration of myelin on my nerves, causing tingling, burning nerve pain. Like when a part of your body falls asleep but worse. There’s brain fog attached to it, and speech problems, as if it wasn’t bad before, now I’ve got them double, yay! Not really, but I figure I’ll just stay home and help dad with whatever he needs me to do. He still works, so I clean and make dinner. It’s weird, it’s more like we’re friends and roommates now that I’m an adult.

He fully supports my decision to go on disability, he knows my brain isn’t too good, so he doesn’t hold it against me that I don’t have a job. He knows I tried my hardest and still I failed, and knows if I was born normal, I wouldn’t have this problem of being jobless. I still feel bad though, this man has worked so hard for so long to provide for our family, and I’m so much younger, and it should be reversed now, he should be home and I should be working. Oh well, I was born like this, I have to deal with it I guess. My sister’s boyfriend gets on my nerves though, and his daughter, who’s the same age as my niece is the whiniest brat ever. She cries over the smallest thing, and whines when she talks. It’s weird, when Lizzie yells at the kids, she sounds just like mom. The two youngest are still here, too. They both have jobs, I’m proud of them, they put their whole a*s into working, they don’t laze about. I’ve worked places where the hardworking are punished and the lazy get away with that.

Redmart was like that, and I hated that job so much. Randall came out of the closet, which didn’t surprise anyone except my mom. She went all crazy with her ‘Jesus this, and Hell that’ and she used to watch the most hateful preachers on tv. She said that she still loves him, but she’ll pray for him. Oh yeah, that reminds me, I’m an Atheist now, which didn’t go over well with my mom, but I read my Bible, saw the hate that my mom was into, and realized it’s all fake. All religions are fake, made up stories that are very loosely based on possible historical figures that may or may have not existed. Honestly, I’ve never felt freer in my life, like a weight had been lifted, that there is no magical invisible god watching everything I do, making me feel guilty for doing things I enjoy. If god really loved me, he wouldn’t have taken three boyfriends from me like that, especially since I had a possible future with two of them. These kids are so damn loud, I can’t even think right now. I guess that’s pretty much what I’ve been up to the past 5 years, to the date. Five years ago today, Charlie died, and at this point, I’m just numb. I’ll always miss him, but I’ve moved on as far as grieving goes. I probably won’t ever date again, at this point, it just feels too risky.

“Sandra!” Sandra hears outside her door. It’s Lizzie’s boyfriend, Simon. Sandra opens her door.
“What?”
“Why haven’t you done the dishes?”
“I already did my dishes, those are your guys’ dishes.”
“Your job is to do the dishes, that means all of them.”
“Alright, just gimme a minute!”
“Hurry up!” Sandra goes back to writing in her diary:

Ugh, Simon really is the worst, he’s a dick, not just to me, but to everyone in the house. He even thinks he can tell my dad what to do, they get into heated arguments sometimes, I just wish he would just go. But Lizzie is so attached to the hip to this guy, she does whatever he says, it’s really sad how mindless she is, like, she can’t think for herself. It’s even started fights between her and my-

“Get down here, Sandra!” Sandra leaves her room, and listens to music on her headphones while she cleans a mountain of dishes leftover from the past two days’ accumulation of Lizzie and Simon’s cooking. He taps her on the shoulder.
“What?” Sandra asks.
“Two days those dishes have been sitting there, what the f**k do you do with your day that you can’t be bothered to do dishes?”
“I wash my dad’s and my dishes after I make dinner. I didn’t make these dishes, you did.”
“Yeah, but dishwashing is YOUR job. That means you wash ALL the dishes, including the kids, including ours, including any guests’ dishes. It’s. Your. JOB! And while you’re at it, after your done, clean up the dog s**t outside.”
“She’s your dog!”
“And you don’t have a job, do it.”
“You’re not my father.”
“Your name isn’t on the lease, therefore, I’ll just tell Lizzie to kick you out.” he leaves.
“F**k!” Sandra yells, as she slams a dish down, accidentally breaking it and cutting her hand. “S**t!” She cleans her cut, finishes the dishes, then picks up the yard. She goes back into her room, and goes back into writing:

-dad, causing a rift in the family. Because when it’s a sibling and a parent, it’s hard to choose sides sometimes. I’m really close to Lizzie, but our dad has taken care of us basically our whole lives. I don’t like how Lizzie is acting though, I’m liking her less and-

There is a knock on the door. “Sandra?” she hears Lizzie say.
“Come in.”
“Simon just told me you don’t want to do your chores?”
“I just don’t see why I have to clean up your guys’ messes too.”
“Because you’re the only one who doesn’t work.”
“But you guys should take care of your own messes, I’m getting ready for bed when you guys make dinner.”
“So do them in the morning when you get up, don’t just let them sit!”
“Why are you taking his side? You were raised better than this!”
“What the hell am I supposed to do?” She starts crying.
“Leave him, you don’t need a man, as long as you’ve been dating, you’ve never been single very long. You have a job, you live with your family-”
“But I love him so much!”
“Why? He treats your family like s**t!”
“So what am I supposed to do? Choose between my family and my boyfriend?”
“How is that even a question?”
“Because I need him!”
“No, you really don’t.”
“F**k you!” She slams the door. Sandra goes back to writing:

-less. I know that’s a s****y thing to say about my own sister, but she’s really making it difficult to sympathize with her anymore. If she wants him so bad, they should just go and leave us alone. He’s fought with literally everyone in the house about something, anything, the most inconsequential things. It’s driving us all nuts, I don’t know how she doesn’t see that he’s a terrible person. And his mind controlling manipulation has turned her into his puppet. It’s like I don’t recognize my own sister anymore. I’m walking on eggshells and it sucks, I should be able to feel safe and at peace in my own home, but I don’t. I’m going to Francine’s, maybe I can find some peace there. Later.

Sandra heads over to Francine’s house. “Uh oh, why the sad face?” Francine asks.
“My sister’s stupid boyfriend is an a*****e, what else?”
“He must have really gotten on your nerves today for you to be here.”
“Yeah, I had to get away from him and his bullshit, he expects me to clean up after his family because even though dishes is my job, apparently that means his too. And they sit there for days, encrusted, moldy food, it’s disgusting.”
“Shut up and hit this.”
“Thanks.” She hits the blunt. “You don’t have any...”
“Actually, I do!”
“Sweet!” Sandra takes the acid and begins tripping. Steve appears next to her.
“Hi, babe.” Steve says.
“Hey Steve, long time no see.”
“Yeah, well, you’ve shut down, stopped caring.”
“Well yeah, Charlie died!”
“I know, bummer. He was good for you too.”
“Stop reminding me!”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you, but I’m sure there’s someone in this city for you.”
“I don’t care, I don’t wanna do it anymore, I don’t know why you’re even here.”
“Because I always show up when you’re feeling lovelorn.”
“I am not lovelorn, I’m done with that s**t, romantic love isn’t real, it’s a neurochemical con job. Love is literally a drug, and I’m going sober. F**k trying anymore, cause guess what happens?”
“I show up.” A pale white woman in all black is sitting next to Sandra on the opposite side of Steve says.
“You b***h, why?”
“You don’t deserve happiness. You will die alone.”
“That’s not true, don’t listen to her, Sandy!” Steve says.
“You know it to be true.” Death says.
“I’m not sure what I want, but like I said, the thought of getting to know somebody and everyone they know, and getting attached sounds so exhausting. I’m sick of heartbreak, it’s all I’ve ever known, and if I don’t try, then I don’t have to worry about it.”
“You can say that all you want, but I’ll be here, nagging at you, reminding you, you’re a good woman and you deserve to be happy.” Steve says.
“And I’ll be here to remind you that it won’t matter.” Death says.
“I’m on her side.” Sandra says.
“Whatever, you know how to find me if you need me.” Steve says. They both fade. One of Francine’s sons approaches Sandra.
“Are you ok, auntie Sandy?” He asks.
“What? Yeah, why?” Sandra asks.
“Cause you were talking to yourself.”
“Oh, auntie does that all the time, don’t worry about it.”
“Kay.” He goes over and plays with his toys. Francine approaches.
“Was it any good?” Francine asks.
“You know, the usual argument: Love vs death.”
“Yeah, I get it. Just do whatever makes you happy.”
“But if I’m alone, the happiness fades after awhile because I really do miss being in a relationship, but I don’t want it to be with just anybody just so I’m not alone.”
“Why don’t you give online dating a chance?”
“Because who knows who’s out there?”
“Exactly. Think about it this way: you’re someone on the internet just as much as they are.”
“Maybe, I just don’t want to end up in another situation like Jack. I broke up with him and still took him back because he wouldn’t leave me alone.
“Then stay alone.”
“I am enjoying being able to do anything I want...”
“And what’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing, except I really do get lonely sometimes.”
“I’d suggest a hooker, but I know you, you’d end up wanting to help them.”
“God, yeah. I can’t seem to stop that part of me.”
“It’s not necessarily a bad thing, you instinctively want to help people, it just goes to some of the wrong people.”
“And the good ones get ripped away from me even when I do find one.”
“It’s the conundrum of life, we can’t predict the future, so we can’t be sure if we’re taking the right path or not. We just have to let the chips fall where they will.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“Wanna hit this before you go?” Francine offers Sandra the pipe.
“Definitely.” Sandra smokes the pipe and leaves. “Later, Francine!”
“Later!” Sandra goes home and walks in the door.
“And where the f**k were you?” Simon asks Sandra.
“I was at my friend’s house, jeez, calm down!”
“You were supposed to be home, I need you to watch the kids while me and your sister go shopping!”
“Why don’t you just take them with you?”
“Because they get into everything! Now, because you have no job, you do what you’re told as long as you live here for free, you got it?”
“F**k you!”
“Get out of my house!”
“No!” Sandra’s dad comes home.
“What’s going on?” He asks.
“Tell this freeloader she has to watch the kids while we go shopping! She has no job!” Simon says.
“Why don’t you just take them with you?”
“Because like I told her, they always get into everything when we go shopping.”
“So, you want her to watch your kids because you can’t control them?”
“I want her out of the house.”
“No, my name is on the lease too, and I say she stays. Take your kids, and go shopping. Simon stomps his way upstairs, and yells up to Lizzie and the kids to get in the car, he slams the front door on his way out.
“Dinner will be done in about twenty minutes, dad. And thanks for sticking up for me.” Sandra says.
“No problem, I hate your sister’s boyfriend too, but there’s not much we can do right now.”
“I guess we’ll just have to weather through it.”
“Yeah, but one day it’ll be over.”
“Hopefully.”