Part VIII: Devil Year -1

Part VIII: Devil Month -12 May 5, 2007 Dear Diary: These past few months have really been life changing. First, I reconnected with an old friend, who is now the funnest person to hang out with, Francine and Lawrence are awesome, we get stoned, play video games, and sometimes they throw a party and invite some other people, I have so much fun with them. Then, I hooked up with Scott which wasn’t all that great, but coincidentally, a few weeks later, Jack Walker actually got ahold of me and asked me out, can you believe it? Of course I accepted, and it’s been two months, and tonight I’m sleeping over with him at his friends house. I’m nervous, he’s hinted that he wants to have sex, and I think this might be it, this could be the night I lose my virginity. I’m excited, nervous, oh, I hope I don’t mess it up, what if I do something wrong, what if I don’t like what he’s doing? How do I know I’m doing a good enough job? Ok, I’m freaking out a little, ok, a lot, I don’t know if I can do this. No, I can, I know I can, I’ve wanted this for a few years now, don’t wuss out now. Ok, I think I need a blunt or something to calm me down, maybe I should pay Francine a visit. Oh God, ok, ok, ok. I can do this. Month -11 June 19, 2007 Dear Diary: I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. Me and Jack get along so well, and the sex is great, it’s changed my whole world. We’re supposed to hang out today, so that’ll be cool. I’m not big on his friends who happen to include Scott, which is a little awkward, but he hasn’t said anything, so that’s good. I hope he doesn’t say anything ever, I told him to keep it between us, and he agreed, he says he doesn’t wanna ruin our relationship, so that’s good of him. Luckily I won’t have to hang out with them for very long, me and Jack are going out on a date in oh, a few minutes, actually. Sandra gets ready and heads out the door and meets Jack outside. “Hey, babe, you’re late.” Jack says. “No I’m not, I’m on time.” Sandra says. “I’ve been waiting for ten minutes, babe.” “Huh, I guess you’re right.” “Are you ready to go?” “Yeah, come on.” “Don’t worry, I’ll pay for everything tonight.” “Oh, I thought we were gonna split it.” “Nah, that’s alright, I’m the man, right?” “Ok, where are we going?” “I was thinking dinner and a movie.” “Yeah, sure, ok.” “What are we going to see?” “How about Bumblephux? I heard it’s going to be hilarious.” “Yeah, sure.” They head to the movie theater and Jack pays for the tickets. They head inside and find their seats. “Coming soon to theaters” the voiceover on the screen says. “Their strongest warrior. Betrayed by the ones he fought for. Back from the dead, he exacts his revenge on the ones who had him killed. Phoenix. Coming soon.” Another announcer says. June 19, 2007 Dear Diary: Well, today’s date wasn’t all I expected it to be, he said he’d take care of everything, but instead, he only paid for the movie tickets and left dinner up to me. It’s not like him at all, he usually keeps his word when he says he’s got it. He said he didn’t bring as much as he thought, but how did he not know that? I thought he’d know how much he brought. I ended up paying for dinner, which was expensive, so now I’m broke. That sucks, but s**t happens, it’s not like this happens all the time… Month -10 July 29, 2007 Dear Diary: So, Jack is a bit of a ballbuster. I think I can deal with that, but sometimes I think he takes it too far. It’s like, he’s gotten meaner, but maybe I’m just crazy. I know he’s just kidding with me, but I wish he would tone it down occasionally. He just texted me he’s outside, so I gotta go. “Hey Jack.” Sandra says. “Hey honey, you ready to go?” he asks. “Sure, where are we going?” “How about Dimaggio’s?” “I could go for some Italian food, sure.” They head to the restaurant. “What are you thinking, babe? I’m hungry for some lasagna.” “Hmm, I’d say go for a salad, but whatever.” The waitress comes by and asks them for their drink order. “I’ll take a cola.” “Long Island Iced Tea.” The waitress leaves to get the drinks. “Alcohol? Really? Didn’t realize you were an alcoholic.” “I-what?” “Yeah, I don’t like alcoholics.” “It’s seven thirty, and my first drink of the night.” “Exactly, first; that means you’re going to order more.” “So?” “I don’t like it.” “Fine.” The waitress returns with their drinks. “Can I have a cola too instead? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I’d be driving.” The waitress leaves again. “You don’t drive.” “I had to come up with some excuse as to why I withdrew my order. What was I supposed to say, ‘my boyfriend doesn’t want me to drink?’” “I like how that sounds.” “Are you serious?” “I guess.” They place their order, receive it, then eat it. The waitress comes back and asks for dessert orders. “None for me thanks.” “Can I have a cherry pie?” Jack looks at her, obviously irritated. “Never mind.” “You’re such a fat f*****g pig.” “Excuse me?” “You ate that whole thing and you’re still hungry? Goddamn woman, you need to lose weight, you’re embarrassing to be seen in public with.” “Are you serious?” “I don’t like pigs.” “F**k you!” She gets up and leaves, sticking him with the bill. July 27, 2007 Dear Diary: Jack was such a f*****g a*****e today, I don’t know where it came from, first, he calls me fat and tells me I need a salad instead of lasagna, which is my favorite Italian dish by the way, like it’s his decision what I eat. Then, I order myself a drink and he complains about that too, I don’t know what’s gotten into him, but I’m pissed. I left him with the bill. Maybe I should leave him, but I don’t know, I mean, I’ve always wanted to go out with him, but I didn’t know it’d be like this. Maybe I’m just crazy, and he doesn’t realize that he’s hurting me. Maybe I’ll talk to him tomorrow or something, and sort things out. I finally have a boyfriend, and I don’t wanna mess it up, I’ll push through all the s**t, cause the more you suffer, the more you really care, right? I figure if he sees that I’ll stick around, he won’t need to be so hard on me. I mean, he loves me, he tells me he does, so that’s all that matters, is that he loves me. Well, I’m going to bed, good night. Month -9 August 27, 2007 Dear Diary: So, Jack isn’t the gentleman he was in the beginning. I admit, maybe I’m not so nice either, I mean, I’ve expressed to him a few times how much he annoys me sometimes, but I guess that’s to be expected when you’re with someone for awhile, you get kinda used to each other. We’re supposed to be hanging out today, so we’ll see how it goes, hopefully he’ll stop with the rude jokes about me, he makes strong sexual comments to me involving his friends in front of them and they egg him on, and it’s annoying. I wish he’d take into consideration that I’m his girlfriend and not a piece of meat, and I definitely shouldn’t be the butt of jokes just because I’m a woman. I’m a person too, and sometimes he makes me feel like I’m less than a person, because he’s just, he’s becoming an a*****e and I can’t stand it. Maybe I’ll talk to him tomorrow and try to get things straightened out. Besides, he loves me, he says he does, I’m sure he doesn’t realize that there’s a line about joking about doing your girlfriend with your friends to your girlfriend. To me, that’s just wrong, because I’m regretting giving him my virginity if this is the way he’s treating me. I have a dilemma that I’m dealing with right now, and it’s that I can’t stand being with Jack anymore, but I also don’t want to be alone, I don’t know what to do. My default reaction is to just stay until things get so bad I have no choice to leave, but when exactly is that point? Do I want him to get worse to give me an excuse to leave and get hurt in the process, or do I end it preemptively? I feel like if I did that, he would hurt me, he gets mad at me a lot, but he’s never hit me thank God. I don’t know, I am enjoying having sex, so maybe I’ll stick around for a little while longer. Ugh, it makes me feel cheap to write that, but I know for a fact that I can’t walk away from it, especially since I just discovered it. I guess the only thing I can do is bide my time and hope for the best. Sandra and Jack are hanging out with his friends. “Wanna find out what it’s like to have all your holes stuffed at once?” Jack says, laughing. “Haha, just kidding babe, you know that.” “Stop it.” “It’s just a joke, calm down.” “No, I’m getting sick of your jokes, they’re not funny, they’re hurtful!” “Alright, sweetie, calm your tits and shut up.” “Calm my- ARE YOU F*****G SERIOUS?” “Oh, you’re in trouble now.” Scott laughs. “Shut the f**k up!” “Don’t talk to my friends like that!” Jack says. “I’m f*****g leaving, don’t talk to me until I say you can!” She turns around, and as she does, he grabs her arm, and as she turns back to look at him to tell him off, he smacks her hard in the face. She drops to the floor, starts crying, then runs out. August 27, 2007 Dear Diary: He hit me. I can’t believe he f*****g hit me. I literally called it, maybe I am psychic. Nah, that’s not true, but still weird how I saw that coming in a way. After insulting me by making ‘jokes’ to his friends, I yelled at him to stop and he hits me. He hit me, I still can’t wrap my head around it. I should probably call it quits with him, I mean, he actually hit me. Then again, I don’t wanna be alone again so soon. Maybe I should give him another chance. I don’t know, I’m confused, I’ve always wanted to go out with Jack, but not if it’s going to be like this. I should talk to him about it before I do something drastic. Well, I better get to bed now, I’m probably going to be awake for awhile thinking about this anyway. Month -8 September 15, 2007 Dear Diary: So, I’ve decided to give Jack another chance, and he hasn’t hit me since then, so I guess I forgive him. He still goes out of his way to insult me and mock me in front of his friends, but I love him. It’s so confusing. I wish I knew what to do, I don’t want to leave him cause then I’ll be alone again. I guess I’m just going to have to put up with it, being with anyone is being better than being alone, right? I hate being alone, so he’ll have to do. I feel like I’m repeating myself, and maybe I am, but my feelings fluctuate so rapidly, I’m so confused. I’ll stick to not being lonely though, there are times I can just lay on top of him and cuddle. Sure, he doesn’t cuddle back, but it’s still nice to feel the warmth of another person. I wish I could see him all the time though, we only see each other for a couple days every couple of weeks. I miss him during those stretches of time, but when we’re actually together, it quickly becomes annoying. Then, I’m ready to go home, and after a week, I start missing him again. Why? Why does this happen to me? I’m not sure I want to miss him, but I do, must be because I get laid. Wow, is that who I’ve become? No, no, he still tells me he loves me and I’m inclined to believe him, after all, who would say it if they didn’t mean it? Month -7 October 31, 2007 Dear Diary: That wasn’t funny. At all. Jack and his friends are the biggest a******s! We were having such a great night, too and he has to go and do this s**t. We were having so much fun, I was a sexy witch cause for once I felt like flaunting. My cleavage even made Jack look at me in shock. Anyway, he didn’t complain about my drinking, cause he got smashed himself, which is why things went to s**t. I was up to about my fifth beer, I had gotten stoned beforehand at Francine’s, and I filled my flask at home so I was feeling pretty good. Jack and his idiot friends were idioting around because they’re idiots and Jack thought it would be funny if he loosely put his head in a noose and pretend he was dead. The party was going pretty good, and I went to the bathroom. When I came downstairs, Scott was freaking out that Jack said he hates me so much he was going to kill himself. I ran outside to the backyard where I saw his other friend Mark looking at him in the tree. I ran out there, and I dropped to my knees and started crying uncontrollably, I was inconsolable for a good ten minutes. Ten f*****g minutes he stayed there, probably stifling laughter, when he burst out laughing saying he was just kidding and that’s the ‘trick’ in ‘trick or treat’. I thought he had actually killed himself and he said he was hoping I’d find it funny. As if. I immediately came home, took a deep gulp from my flask, and tell you this story. I’m probably going to read this and laugh, but right now, I’m a mess. I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose a significant other, and I really hope I don’t ever have to experience it. Sure, there’s old age and the associated problems, but that’s to be anticipated. I think it’s sudden death I can’t deal with, because that would probably hurt most. I’m just going to cry myself to sleep, because I am just, done with today, good night. Month -6 November 19, 2007 Dear Diary: That was the worst birthday I ever had. Ok, so first of all, I spent it with Jack and his friends, they offered to throw me a birthday party and we all got drunk and s**t. At some point in the night, he calls me a great big fat s**t and that I enjoy being fisted, which isn’t true of course. Anyway, he makes a fisting motion with his hand and I punch him in the face. Yeah, I punched him in the face and it felt good, it felt really good… for as long as it lasted anyway. After he took a couple of seconds to realize what had happened, he turns around and punches ME in the face. My nose started bleeding, oh but that wasn’t enough for Jack. He got in at least five more punches in my face before his friends pulled him off of me. I’m not breaking up with him because of the simple fact that we were both really, really drunk. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he asked me for sex to ‘give me a birthday present’ like an hour after that happened. He went on, making jokes, I got a bloody nose, but I’m the crazy b***h. Sometimes he mimics seizures at his friends to make fun of me. I told him how that makes me feel, but he doesn’t seem to care. I’m sure he’ll eventually turn around, I know there’s a good guy in there somewhere… Month -5 December 24, 2007 Dear Diary: Today there’s going to be a Christmas party at Jack’s friend’s house. I’m excited cause I can actually enjoy myself without him calling me an alcoholic cause I know for a fact he drinks too, his favorite is screwdrivers. I know because every other week he and his friends are chugging them, but I’m the alcoholic even though I don’t drink with them, I don’t like to, they try to gangbang me and make jokes about doing it. The only reason I’m going today is because I’m going to drink too, and I’m not going to let them bother me. Everyone is enjoying themselves at the party. Sandra mixes herself another drink. “Yeah, drink another one, you fat drunk.” Jack says drunkenly. “F**k you, it’s a party you piece of s**t.” Sandra says, also drunkenly. “Say that to my face again, you fat f**k.” “You’re drunker than me. Four.” She pours another one. “No I’m not- you are, are, drunk, I’m perfectly sober.” “You can’t even form complete sentences.” “No you- Yes I- no, you are.” “Whatever.” “Hey Jack.” Scott says. “What?” Jack asks. “Did Shaundra over there tell you about the time I fingerbanged her?” He starts laughing. “What the f**k?” “She gave me a hand job too!” He’s laughing hysterically. Jack gets angry and punches Sandra in the back of the head. “You filthy s**t!” “That happened before we got together! Scott, how could you?” She says. He’s still laughing. “You’re a f*****g s**t, get the f**k out of here!” Sandra starts crying. “How can you be so cruel? This was before we got together!” “I don’t give a f**k, you lied. You weren’t a virgin.” “Yes I was!” “Scott fingerbanged you.” “It’s not the same!” “You f*****g liar!” “Bro, it’s not the same thing.” Scott says. “I don’t care, you still lied to me, I don’t think I can trust you anymore.” “Are you serious?” she asks. “You disgust me. Leave.” She runs out, crying. December 24, 2007 Dear Diary: I can’t believe how Jack acted today. First of all, Scott revealed the embarrassing details of our private night to Jack, and that freaked him out, and he punched me in the back of the head, which made my sight twitch, as it’s my trigger center. He yelled, I cried, and he kicked me out. I don’t know, maybe I should leave, but I don’t know, I could probably chalk this one up to drinking too, I’ve noticed he only gets like this when he’s drunk, so maybe he’s a better person sober. I just have to not be around him when he drinks, or at least with his friends. I noticed I also have a bit of a temper when I’m drinking, but that’s just cause I get irritated easily, mostly because of Jack. Whatever, I’m going to nap, I have a headache. December 25, 2007 Dear Diary: Merry f*****g Christmas to me, Jack sent me a message this morning that we need to talk. I met him at the café down the street and he told me he slept with someone last night after I left. He asked for forgiveness, but I’m not having it, there was no reason for him to do that, I broke up with him, cheating is probably the worst thing he could do to me, and there’s no recovering from that with me. Now I’m alone again, but I’m probably better off… Month -4 January 11, 2008 Dear Diary: Michael and Sara’s wedding was today, I’m surprised they got married so quickly, but Michael said that he knew she was the one, and she, well, she really didn’t have an opinion, but I guess she wouldn’t have agreed if she didn’t feel the same way. Anyways, it was a nice wedding, small, but nice. Sara looked real pretty in her wedding dress, and Michael cleans up pretty well himself, I’m surprised they found a tux that fits him. Haha oops, I’m sorry, I’m still a little drunk from the reception. It made me a little sad though, we’re getting to that age where people are starting to get married and/or have kids and I have neither. I used to at least have Jack, but he was such an a*****e that I call it quits. Still though, I kinda miss being with someone, it’s so damn lonely sometimes. But then I think about how he treated me, and I don’t wanna go through that again, but I hate being alone. Would he even take me back if I asked? Do I even want him back? I kinda do, cause I’m not getting laid anymore, but is it really worth it? I’m so confused by all of this, maybe I just need more time, after all, it’s barely been a month since we broke up, it just seems like longer. Oh well, I guess I’m just gonna concentrate on school for now, maybe it’ll take my mind off of him. Well, good night, talk to you again some other time. Month -3 February 14, 2008 Dear Diary: Haha, so get this: this morning I wake up with a text message from Jack that said ‘im sry pls cum bak <3’ Damn fool can’t even use proper sentences and he expects me to take him back? It looks lazy. I know, I know, it’s ‘textspeak’ or whatever, but if there’s no character limit (there isn’t anymore) take the time to spell it out to me. I sent back a ‘no’ and I got ‘bby luv u’. On one hand, I don’t want to deal with him, but on the other, I was intrigued as to what he had to say, so I humored him, and I decided to meet up with him. I asked him what her name was, and it was like Janna or something, I don’t remember and he said he was sorry. I didn’t believe him, but he looked so pathetic begging, so I decided to go on a date with him. We went to a restaurant and I saw Sydd there with his girlfriend. Gosh, I haven’t seen him in years, he looked like total crap. I hear it’s drugs. It’s a shame, he was an alright kid until he was fourteen, then he kinda just disappeared. So, me and Jack go through the meal, and he pays for his half and I ended up paying for my half. Typical. So, I asked him what he wanted to do, where he wanted to go, and he chose the movies. So we went to the movies, saw Phoenix, which was really awesome but I had to pay for my own stuff again. After the movie, I told him I wanted to go home and he said, no. He said he wanted to bang me on Valentine’s Day because he hasn’t missed a Valentine’s day since he was fourteen. I never laughed so hard in my life, literally. That was my instant reaction, he actually kicked me while I was doubled over laughing. Jerk. Good, I ended his stupid tradition, it’s disgusting, I don’t like being used like that, it makes me feel gross. I’d rather be in love when I do it, not just like, as a hobby, ew. I came immediately home because that was it, he failed. He didn’t pay for dinner, didn’t pay for the movie, asked me for sex. He failed all three, he’s definitely not ready to go back out with me. I guess I have to spoonfeed what to do if he wants me back. I wish Jack was more like Steve. Maybe that’s the problem, maybe I’m dating the wrong people and I should start looking for people that’s more like me. I don’t know, we’ll see if Jack wises up first, so we’ll see how long that takes. Month -2 March 17, 2008 Dear Diary: I swear, he’s stalking me. I mean, I know we live roughly in the same area, but he lives a half hour away, there’s no way he was in the same crowd as me during the parade. Whatever, I still talked to him. He said he was sorry and blah blah blah. I swear, it’s like an automated recording that is his default response when he can’t think of what to say. So here was the lowdown, I went with Michael and Sara to the St. Patrick’s parade in town and there he was, like he was telepathic or something. Maybe it’s just coincidence, maybe it’s God telling me to go back to him. I’m not sure, he’s still an a*****e and I don’t want an a*****e for a boyfriend. Ew, writing that like that really makes it look disgusting. What should I do? It seems like I can’t get rid of him. I wish he’d like, move away or something but at the same time, I miss being with him, being with someone and what if I don’t ever get anyone else? What if this is my only chance? Maybe this is why I’m being given all these opportunities. I don’t know, but I’m not always happy with him, and it scares me that I might end up resenting him and maybe missing out on somebody better for me. I don’t know, I’ll give it a little more time and see if he gets any better. I’ll give it to him, he’s kind of attempting to attempt to try, I guess. I just wish it was genuine and not rehearsed sounding. I don’t get it, if he’s got other girls he can just bang, why is he still up my a*s? Maybe he really does love me. I’m going to try to milk this as much as I can, see how much he really loves me. Is that mean? Is that selfish? I don’t know, part of me feels like he deserves that, and part of me doesn’t. What if he’s right, what if I am being bitchy and I pushed him to be a jerk to him? I’m so confused… Month -1 April 1, 2008 Dear Diary: Seriously? Seriously? April Fool’s isn’t even a real holiday and this a*****e took it to the next level. He invited me to dinner, we had dinner, and he paid for it. All of it. Then, we go to the movies, and he paid for that too. I was impressed, he looked like he had finally changed. When we got back to the lobby, he got down on one knee and proposed. Seriously, in front of like twenty or so people. Stupid me, said of course, and I couldn’t stop myself from crying and hugging him, everyone was clapping and such. I looked down at my hand and saw my ring was a twisted in a loop paper straw wrapper. He said ‘April Fool’s’ and I ran out crying. I stood in front of the theater crying. He ran after me and said he was sorry, it was only a joke. I told him that when it comes to me, love isn’t a joke. I want it for real and he’s not taking me seriously. That was probably the worst kind of prank he could have pulled on me. That’s about the same level as pregnancy pranks, which I don’t think I could do because I’d just be disappointing myself because I know it’s not true. I can’t imagine what it would be like if me and Jack had kids. To be honest, I don’t think I do. He doesn’t deserve it. You know what? I’m sick of his s**t, I guess it’s going to be my turn to use him. April 20, 2008 Dear Diary: Finally, I’ve been waiting for this all month. In honor of four twenty I’m going to Erica’s to hang out with Francine and Lawrence and trip. I’m so excited, it’s been awhile, and with all this s**t with Jack, I feel like I’ve earned it. I’ll try to remember this one. “Bottoms up.” Francine says. Sandra takes it and sees the world seem to spin up and down in circles. She blacks out. She wakes up in a dream and finds herself on Erica’s couch. “Are you alright?” Francine says. “You just had a seizure.” “Oh, wow, yeah I’m good.” “I need to go to the bathroom. Francine, can you help me up the stairs? My legs feel like a newborn deer’s.” “Sure.” Francine helps Sandra up the stairs. She leads her to the bathroom. “Got it from here?” “Yeah, I should be good in a couple of minutes.” She finishes in the bathroom and starts walking down the hallway, using the walls for support. She heads downstairs where Jack’s sitting on the couch. “We need to talk.” He says. “What do you want?” “I want you, but you don’t want me.” “You’re mean to me.” “Oh, so that’s your reason?” “You’re not supposed to be. “ “Fine, if you don’t want me anymore, nobody can have me.” He takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head. “Noooo!” She wakes up. “You alright, Sandy?” Francine asks. “Yeah, why?” “Oh, cause you had a seizure.”