Part X: 1 Year Later

Part X: 1 Year Later

December 6, 2016

Dear Diary:
Wow, this one is almost filled up now, crazy. Feels like it was just yesterday I bought a new one. Sure, it’s been 4 years, and I don’t write nearly as much as I used to, and they’re winded when I do nowadays.. I’ve been reflecting on the past year, and I still miss Tad every single day. He was the only one who made me truly, truly happy; I still cry. I got over Jack way faster than Tad. I still have nightmares about the whole thing. I still have the scar on the side of my face where the window cut me. They were picking glass out of my cheek for a good hour, because of all the little bits. Luckily, I didn’t have a seizure or fall asleep because of the concussion. I was completely devoid of emotion for months; I might’ve made a bad first impression teaching because of my lack of joy and enthusiasm. I put up a strong front, and even though the kids may not have noticed, the parents and other teachers definitely did. I cried every lunch break and after I got home. I just felt like dying. I wanted it all to be just a really bad dream I could just wake up from. I don’t even talk to his parents anymore, the guilt is too much. I can’t face them, not now, probably not ever.
I just don’t think I can, I’m not strong enough. I spent the whole school year focused on nothing but work from the time I got up, to the time I went to bed. When summer came, I locked myself in my house and drank the whole time. I know, I said I’d stop, and I did. Once school let out, I bought enough booze that would put a frat house to shame. It was disgusting, really. I didn’t bathe often, I hardly ate, hardly slept except when I would pass out, only to wake up and start drinking again. The only human interaction I had was the week after while Charlie stayed with me, and whenever Francine would drop by to sell me some weed. Lizzie moved in with Nathan, so there was that, too. I f*****g hate everything.
I get it now though…what he said, what Tad said to me a few years ago. He said it was his choice, I didn’t understand then, but I understand now. At one point in my nightmares, he said that and it reminded me of something else that when I think about it, makes total sense. He said something to me after we had those bad trips, that he had to choose the lesser of two evils, which I guess meant that it was either him or me, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. He also said he talked to a pale, white woman in all black; I saw her too…I know who she was. In my nightmares, I saw the whole thing happen in third person, like I was watching it.
It was a dark and stormy night and it was pouring sheets. The car accelerated and he tried to brake and instead he was hydroplaning. He takes a sharp left as we’re about to crash, but noticed at first it seemed like the right front end of the car would get first impact. When he made the sharp left, it turned the whole car to the side so the left side of the car would get hit. Shortly after the crash, a pale white woman dressed in all black, seemingly glides across the ground, not getting wet by the rain at all, as if she wasn’t real. She reaches through the car, and drags Tad out without opening the car, and he slumps over and I wake up.
I didn’t get the full picture all at once; I got it in scrambled pieces. But the dreams were so vivid and realistic I remembered them when I woke up. My overall memory isn’t too good so I made sure to write them down and put them together. The fact that I had to keep reliving that night over and over was torture. Drinking helped a lot, it helped block most of it. I just watched TV and drank.
Didn’t wanna think about anything else at all. Just watched a bunch of s****y shows that are only moderately entertaining while drunk. I do have to say that I am getting better. This school year I’ve put more energy into teaching and I don’t cry as much or as often. Things are very slowly returning back to normal, but it’s still hard. I feel so guilty and I don’t think it will ever go away. Time will tell.

“Ward! Pay attention!” Sandra says.
“Sorry Ms. Zircon.” her student says.
“…So after he buried him in the floorboards, his guilt overcame him and he imagined hearing the man’s heartbeat and it drove him insane, leading him to confess.” The bell rings. “We’ll pick up on Monday, have a nice weekend.” The class shuffles out. “Ward, can I speak to you?”
“Sure.” Ward says.
“Why are you so disruptive?”
“Cause everything’s stupid and I hate everyone.”
“That’s a terrible excuse.”
“I hate school, I hate people, and everything is dumb.”
“That sounds like someone I used to go to school with.”
“What happened to them?”
“He went to jail and died.”
“Wow, that’s horrible.”
“Trust me, things aren’t as bad as they might seem. You can change your life now to have a better one when you’re older.”
“Ok, thanks Ms. Zircon.”
“You’re welcome. Now hurry before your bus leaves.” He leaves and she packs up her bag for the day and leaves. She gets on a bus headed for home and gets off. She goes home and changes and goes to the store. While shopping, she runs into Samson. “Samson? Samson Alpha? Is- is that you??” He turns around.
“Who-who are you again?” Samson asks.
“It’s me, Sandra. Sandra Zircon.”
“You’ll have to refresh my memory; it’s not as good these days.”
“We went to school together and temporarily dated.” He thinks for a little bit, studying her face, taking in her features.
“Ohhh! Ok, ok. Sorry, I ain’t what I used to be, no part of me is anymore.”
“What the hell happened to you? You don’t look 29, you look almost 40.”
“War, mostly. Got deployed in Iraq in 2005, came home injured in 2011, which was dumb on my part, it’s a real long story, but thank god for booze. Helps with the pain, too. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now. Got back, went off the deep end cause I was denied any help I asked for. I came home to nothing, Sandra. They refused to pay any of my medical bills, despite being wounded in action; I’ve got PTSD as a result of the war. It’s under control, but it wasn’t the first couple years I was back, I’ve only just started getting the help I need. I fought tooth and nail to get any kind of help, denied disability, couldn’t hold a job, and I became a raging alcoholic. It caused the death of someone I love and I did time for it. I’ve been homeless, in jail, and nobody gives a f**k!
We fight hard to keep this country free, and what do we get in return? Spit in the face. Like, ‘thanks for nothing, a*****e!’ They did this to me and won’t repair their damage. Sure, I signed up for it, but I was a kid! A stupid a*s, ignorant, conceited a*****e of a kid who wanted to prove to himself and everyone around him he was invincible. Nobody’s invincible; I found that out real quick. But seriously, it pisses me off. What do we get when we come back? Medical assistance? Therapy? Only if you have money. Hell no, all we regular johns get is one day out of the year where people halfheartedly thank us and throw us a parade to make themselves feel better and a pat on the back. The rest of the year is a big ‘f**k you.’ Know what they told me? They said my injury wasn’t severe enough to qualify. My f*****g knee was blown apart; I walk with a cane and a limp.
They told me to come back when I have a bullet in my spine or a piece of my head missing and then maybe, I’ll be lucky to maybe get some coverage, maybe. I hate my f*****g life, but I don’t have the balls to kill myself like some other guys in my unit.”
“Wow, I-I’m sorry, I didn’t realize what you’ve been through. You’re not at all like I remember you.”
“Yeah, I’ve seen some real serious s**t.” Do you know what it’s like to see someone you’re used to being around all the time just suddenly die right in front of you?”
“Yes, actually I have. Twice.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, two of my ex boyfriends. One shot himself, the other died in a car accident.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, time might pass, and it seems like it gets easier, and it kind of does, but most of the time it seems like it doesn’t, especially when you feel like if you had done something differently they might still be alive.”
“I know that feeling all too well.”
“I’m sorry for the way I treated you back in high school.”
“Really, it’s ok; you didn’t do nearly as much damage as I thought you did. Sure, I was distrusting of guys who actually wanted to go out with me, but it made me a little more cautious, not like it really helped though, I got stuck with Jack for longer than I should’ve.”
“No, it’s not alright. I was a complete a*****e to you, to everybody.”
“Yeah, you thought you were king s**t. Captain of the football team, you were hot, you probably had every girl in school including me-“
“Yeah, look where all that got me. I was too focused on my body and not at all on my mind. I was only concerned with how I looked, they let me slide through school so I could focus on football, then I went to try out for the national league, only to be knocked out with the flu during tryouts and missed my chance by a day. A f*****g day! I figured f**k it; I’ll go for the ultimate endurance test: the military. My ego was so huge that I thought it would be a cakewalk. So, I signed up for the marines.
I was just going to go through boot camp, make some of that sweet weekend money and do whatever they trained me to do; I wasn’t expecting to be thrown out into the front lines. I was thrown immediately into the action; the day after I got there we were attacked. I got woken up to bombs dropping. That was the first of many days I’d see my comrades die. That was the day I knew I fucked up. I knew there was no way I could back out, I’d be a coward, and I’m not a coward. I figured if I was in it for the long haul, I’d put my all into it, and so I did.
I’m not gonna lie, I was scared, I literally s**t my pants, I thought I was gonna die that night. But war isn’t the time to run away, so I grabbed my balls, reminded myself I was a f*****g man, and went to kill some m***********s. I got maybe two that night. And as brutal as it all was, I have to give credit to the women in my unit, they showed me up more than once, which, I’m sure you remember how I used to be, completely blew my mind. The whole experience changed me completely.”
“Wow, I had no idea.”
“And now you do.”
“I’m so sorry you went through all of that.”
“How about I make it up to you?”
“What?”
“How about I take you out to dinner sometime?”
“Sorry, not interested.”
“Not like that, as friends… I could really use some. All of mine are either dead or haven’t talked to me in a decade.”
“Oh, oh- um, sure. Do you smoke?”
“A couple packs a day, why?”
“No, cannabis.”
“No…”
“You should, I heard its good for certain people, including veterans with PTSD. New laws say you can get it prescribed. I did, last year for my epilepsy.”
“I’ll consider it.”
“How about Saturday? Or Friday night?”
“Friday night; Saturday we can hang out, maybe at your place.”
“Sure, that sounds fine. Here’s my number.”
“Thanks.”
“For what?”
“For being a good person to me even though I wasn’t to you.”
“It’s perfectly okay, it’s how I am, I don’t hold grudges.”
“Well, that’s good, cause I could really, really use a friend.”
“Yes, friend. I know how you men think.”
“Trust me, no offense, but I’m not after you.”
“Alright, Friday, 7:00”
“It’s a date.”
“No, it’s not.”
“You know what I meant.”

December 8, 2016

Dear Diary:
So, I saw Samson last night, it was weird seeing him after a decade. He’s changed a lot and looks haggard as all hell. I guess war really does change a person. I just didn’t know how much. He’s really fucked up and I feel bad for him, I really do. He’s definitely not the same a*****e who fucked with me in high school, now he’s just a sad, lonely man living in a world that rejected him. I’m having dinner with him tomorrow night. He called it a date, but I don’t see it that way, unless he really is telling the truth, I don’t know. One thing I’ll say is this: If he tries anything, I’m gone. But to be completely honest, I really do think he’s genuine. I don’t think he’d make all of that up, he really does seem truthful. I don’t know what kind of friendship I’m going to have with this guy, considering our history.

“So, is any part of your knee still real?” Sandra asks.
“Nope, I’m missing from the bottom of my thigh, my knee, and the top of my calf were blown to smithereens. It’s all metal and plastic.” He bangs on his leg. “You never feel quite so mortal than the moment you’re lying there bleeding, crawling to your severed limb and waiting for help to arrive. Good thing they got to me when they did or I’d be missing it completely right now.”
“So what happened?”
“It’s all my fault. Got my bunkmate, my favorite comrade, and my supervisor killed all at once that day.” It goes into a flashback. Samson and a bunch of other marines are sitting around a fold up table on fold up chairs playing cards in a tent. ‘I was feeling cocky that day, which was unusual considering I had already been out there for so long, maybe that’s what triggered it. I was starting to feel invincible again… Anyway, we were playing cards…’
“Alright, Chuck. I got a Jack, a Queen, and two Kings.” Samson says.
“F**k you, all I got is twos.” Chuck says. The radio crackles and the supervisor gets up and answers it.
“Uh huh, yeah ok.” She says. “Hey guys, pack up, we’re relocating.”
“F**k, and I was winning.” Samson says. ‘So, we get to packing, and then I see an RPG and I get this brilliant idea in my head.’ “Hey, how much do you guys wanna bet I can hit one of those sand n*****s’ houses from here?”
“Dude, you’re f*****g insane.” Chuck says.
“F*****g do it.” Says Eddie.
“Now that’s what I’m talking about.” Samson says. So he fires it, and hits his target.
“What the f**k, you imbecile?” Chuck says.
“What’s your problem?”
“They’re going to retaliate.”
“We’ll be long gone by the time they figure out where it came from.”
“We live in the twenty first century, we’ve got space age technology and lasers and s**t. Everyone knows every time somebody takes a s**t, you don’t think they’re going to find us?”
“We’ll be fine.” ‘Arrogance at its finest. I have to admit, I was a little nervous about my actions for the first couple of days, but it wasn’t until a week passed until I finally let my guard down. One night, I left the tent to take a piss. So I go out, and I walk out until I find a place to whiz, when suddenly behind me, my tent gets destroyed, and everyone is instantly dead. My supervisor, my comrades, everybody in it. The rest of my unit immediately sprang into action and blew away most of them at once, losing a few more people. I jumped in there, I was full of hate, vengeance, and guilt. I took out 10 of them before I got shot. Got it right in the foot. As I’m using one leg to kneel while cradling my foot, I got hit in the leg with a grenade. Blew off the chunk of leg at the knee, propelling me in one direction away from my leg I managed to crawl to it before I fell unconscious. Next thing I remember was waking up in a veteran’s hospital two weeks later after coming out of a medically induced coma with a cast and searing pain in my leg.’
“They said I was lucky to have survived at all with all of the blood I’d lost. I hated myself, wondering ‘why me?’ I felt like I didn’t deserve to still be alive, I fucked over my unit and got them killed all because I was being a cocky a*****e.”

December 9, 2016

Dear Diary:
Well, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. We just talked and swapped stories, and that was pretty much it. I’m definitely convinced now that he’s a changed man. So much pain and sorrow was in his face as he talked. I won’t go into details; I’m running out of room as it is.

December 10, 2016

Dear Diary:
Holy s**t can this guy talk. The whole time he just kept complaining and repeating himself, I dunno how long I can stand him. I’m not saying I’m gonna stop being his friend, that’d be mean. I’m just going to take him in doses, maybe like a day out of the week or something. I know, it feels so mean, but he just talks and rambles and it’s mostly negative. Then again, who knows when the last time he actually had somebody to talk to? I do feel bad for the guy, he got screwed over pretty bad…but damn.
I considered asking him to go to Sam and Francine’s wedding next week with me. Maybe I’ll ask Charlie to come up instead. He is my best and oldest friend after all; he’d be more comfort to me than Samson would. He’d talk the whole time and I’m gonna need someone I trust because I am going to be one hell of a wreck. They’re doing an itty bitty courthouse wedding, but I’m still going to be a mess. As much as I wanna be there for her, I’m not looking forward to it at all. But I promised I’d be there, so I will. Well, I’m off to bed.

The following Friday night, Sandra gets a knock on the door, she answers it. “Oh, I’m so glad you were able to make it.” Sandra says.
“Of course, you need me, I’m not gonna not be there for my best friend.” Charlie says.
“Thanks, that really means a lot.”
“No problem.”
“Alright, I’m heading to sleep. You should too, we’ve gotta get up early. Want in on a bowl before I go in?”
“Yeah, sure.” They smoke and say goodnight. Early the next morning, Sandra gets up and takes a shower. She gets dressed and wakes Charlie up. As Charlie gets ready, she finishes up and they’re out the door. She cries during the ceremony. Once the party kicks off, she pulls herself together.
“Congratulations, Francine! I’m so sorry I’m such a mess right now.”
“It’s alright Sandy, I’m glad you’re here. You’re stronger than you think.” Francine says.
“Thank you so much, Fran.”
“Now come on, we’re going to sneak off for a joint, you in?”
“Yeah.” The party goes on…
“Sandra, how are you doing on drinks?” Charlie asks.
“I could use another.”
“Watcha having?”
“Long Island.” He goes and comes back with a drink.
“Thanks. Five.”
“Five?”
“Yeah, I have this weird habit of counting my drinks, it’s something I’ve always done, I don’t know why.”
“I don’t see anything wrong with it.”
“Haha, well, thanks.” A few hours and a bunch more drinks later, they go back to the house. “Hey, thanks so much for seeing me through tonight.”
“Ehh, no probrem.” He slurs.
“You’re a real good friend.” She leans on him.
“I love you.” He whispers.
“I love you too, Charlie. You’re my best friend.”
“I mean I really love you.” He says.
“I rearry love you too.” She giggles.
“No, you’re-not-not getting me, here. I love you, like, I really, truly love you, like, more than just our friendship.”
“Ohhh…” She snaps out of it a little bit. “Oh, no. No. No.”
“Um…what?”
“No. No. Just, no.”
“What do you mean, no?”
“I can’t do that to you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Everyone I fall in love with dies, I care about you way too much. I’m poison, remember?”
“You’re not poison.”
“Then why does everyone I fall in love with die on me? I’m like a black widow.”
“Look, maybe it’s cause they weren’t right for you. I mean, Jack definitely wasn’t, and maybe Tad was just a horrible coincidence or something. That was a freak accident, I should know, I was there. But he was proof that love does exist, he was just taken from you.”
“What if you’re wrong? What if you die too?”
“That’s a risk I’m willing to take.”
“The answer is still no.”
“Look, I’ve gotta be honest. I’ve loved you practically our whole lives, out of all my friends, you were always my favorite, there was always something special about you, I’ve always had a deep affection for you. I was actually jealous of Tad. I didn’t want him to die, but if he didn’t, I probably would have disliked him for only the reason that he’s the luckiest guy in the world.”
“Really?”
“Look, you have to move on eventually. And I promise that whether it be tomorrow or a year from now, whenever you choose to let me into your heart, I will give you the love you deserve, the love you want. Nobody, except for maybe Tad, God rest his soul, will genuinely love you the way I do. There’s even a certain love for you and only you that I don’t feel with anyone else. We have a strong bond, and I would like it if we made it even tighter.”
“I still don’t know, I’m scared. I mean, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel anything for you. But, I’m terrified to date again.”
“I can understand why.”
“I need to think this over, give me some time, will you? I’m going to bed, I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Can I have a kiss before you go, or is that asking too much?”
“You’re lucky you’re you.” She says with tears in her eyes. She leans in and gives him a kiss before going to bed.

December 17, 2016

Dear Diary: Ok, oh boy, whew. Ok, so to ease into this, I’m just gonna say even though I was a disaster during the wedding, I was fine by the time the reception actually loosened up. I drank and I didn’t care, it helped and Charlie being there helped, and this is where I need to calm down. Ok, so speaking of Charlie, he told me how he felt. I don’t know if it was the alcohol talking or if he really meant it, because if it was just the alcohol, I’m going to be very upset. I’ve mentioned before what I felt for Charlie, but I never thought he felt the same way.
I’m freaking out; I have no idea how to take this. On the one hand, I really, really want it to be true. I’ve always felt something for Charlie since we were kids. It’s unlike any feeling for anyone else before, and I was always too scared to tell him which is why it would be so devastating to me if he didn’t mean to tell me that, cause he’s pretty drunk. If he’s telling the truth, it would be somewhat of a dream come true. I think we could truly be happy together. On the other hand, I’m scared out of my mind. With my recent reputation of my boyfriends dying, I’m terrified to love again.
Life is not something I wanna risk, especially his. After Jack, I figured it was cause he was out of his mind, and as terrible as it may seem, I still feel like he deserved it. He was a piece of s**t and I guess I subconsciously wanted him to do it, which may be why I didn’t stop him. I feel s****y for writing that, but at the same time, I’m not sorry. Tad however, broke my heart when he died. I still don’t think I’m totally over him. Taking on Charlie would be a huge risk for me; I don’t want him to die on me. That’s not to say I would totally reject Charlie, but he’d definitely have to wait for me, but I don’t want to ask him to wait for me, that wouldn’t be fair to him, especially if it meant he misses out on what could possibly be his true love, even if it’s not me. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know, I’ll talk to him in the morning; I need to sleep off this headache.

Sandra falls asleep and has a dream: She finds herself in a random living room, sitting on a couch. Her imaginary boyfriend Steve walks up and sits next to her. “Steve? I thought you were dead.”
“I am, none of this is real, it’s a dream, honey.”
“So why are you here?”
“I’m here to tell you that true love does exist and he’s out there somewhere.”
“You really think so?”
“I know so.” Tad shows up.
“Hey beautiful.” Tad says to her as he sits on the other side of her. He gives her a kiss.
“Prime example right here.” Steve says.
“I know, but he’s dead.” Sandra says.
“It was either me or you, honey. I loved you enough to let you continue your life. If I had to choose, I’d do it all over again.” Tad says.
“But why did you have to? Why couldn’t you try to avoid it?”
“I guess I never really thought of that, but maybe we just weren’t meant to be.”
“But I love you so much!”
“I loved you too, but it took me awhile to feel that way for you, remember?”
“I remember it took forever for you to even say the words.”
“Because I wasn’t sure for awhile, but you grew on me and I eventually came around to loving you.”
“I’m not over you yet, and I don’t know if I ever will be.”
“Listen, you can move on from me, its okay.”
“But I’m afraid of anyone else I love dying on me.”
“True love will never die.”
“Wait, what did you just say?”
“True love will good morning, welcome to BRLQ 98.2! It’s 27 degrees outside and the forecast is calling for snow! Here’s a song you might remember from 1983 by the band the Chodes!
Sandra gets up and leaves her room where she sees Charlie packing. “You know, you don’t have to leave just yet.”
“Oh, ok cool. I was just getting ready, that’s all.” Charlie says.
“Would you like a cup of tea?”
“Do you have any coffee?”
“No, I can’t stand the stuff except sometimes in ice cream.”
“Do you have any iced tea?”
“Haha, is that even a question?”
“I guess not.”
“So, I have something to ask you.”
“Yeah?”
“Do you remember last night?”
“Yeah. Look, I’m sorry; for some reason I couldn’t help it. I was holding onto it for so long, I’m so sorry if I said anything that bothered you, I was really drunk.”
“Actually, it was something I’ve wanted to hear my whole life if you really wanna know the truth.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. My only concern is for your safety. Out of all my friends, you’re the only one I can’t stand to lose because of what you mean to me. I’m also not quite sure I’m entirely over Tad.”
“So, I’ll wait for you.”
“What if you miss out on someone who could be better for you than me?”
“I feel like I would’ve had her by now, and anyways, I feel like I’ve known her all along.” He smiles at her.
“I feel like you would be safer without me.”
“I don’t believe you’re poison. I’m not going to die just because we’re together. And when I eventually do, as an old man, I’ll die happy.”
“I don’t know. I don’t know if I could live with myself if anything happened to you, and what if it doesn’t work out between us?”
“If it doesn’t work, I promise it would be on good terms, I wouldn’t wanna hurt you, and I don’t think you’d do the same.”
“I’m gonna need some, a lot of time actually. This is a huge decision.”
“I understand.”
“I do love you too, that’s why this is so hard for me.”
“Well, I’ll be ready for your decision, whenever it may be.”

December 18, 2016

Dear Diary:
So, me and Charlie talked about it, and even though it’s still up in the air, and I’m not really sure how I wanna feel right now, it would be nice if me and Charlie ended up together and happy. I don’t know, I’m so confused, but maybe he’s right. Maybe he won’t die on me, maybe it was just a freak coincidence. I believe that it’s possible, but life has a funny way of showing me I’m wrong. I dunno, it’s all too much. In other news, I found out that I’m going to be an aunt. Lizzie told me she was pregnant today and I’m happy for her, I really am. I just, I don’t know, I always imagined myself to be the first one to have kids.
Life is just happening so fast, I can’t keep up. It’s crazy how time flies. Oh well, it can’t be helped. It just scares me, because I’m almost thirty and I know my chances of having a kid are going down. I don’t want to just get pregnant by anybody just to have a kid, I want a family. I really don’t want to end up old and childless, that’s my biggest fear. It’s always been my dream to have a family, ever since I was five. I get so close to finding the person I want to be with and to start that dream with, and they’re gone before we even get to start.
It seems to happen so much easier for the people around me, and I don’t understand it. What’s wrong with me that I’m destined to be alone? Luckily I still have ten years before I get too old. I never thought I’d be documenting my life, but here we are. Well, Looks like this is my final entry; until next time of course. You know how I can’t go too long without writing. So, looks like goodbye for now. Love you!



To Be Continued...