Part IX: 2 Years Later

Part IX: Two Years Later

July 15, 2015

Dear Diary:
So, it finally happened, I finally got my own place, had to go back to my parents’ after I had to move out of Jane and Kevin’s. Tad and I are going to be living together in an apartment building, and Lizzie’s going to stay with us. Tomorrow is the day we move our stuff. I’m so excited; I’ve been waiting for so long for this day to arrive. I was so sick of moving from place to place like some sort of drifter. We’ve lost a couple of people, like Gerta. That explains why I haven’t seen her rolling around town. It’s upsetting, but I know she’s not in pain anymore. And Michelle, my old roommate, the one who called herself Burnout Betty, she died too. I heard it was a car accident in the middle of the night. Hearing that news from Lawrence was mind boggling, it was just out of nowhere. I was talking to Michelle like a week before that, and now I’ll never talk to her ever again. In happier news, I’m finally a certified teacher, now all I gotta do is find a job, which is the hard part.
Hopefully by having a Master’s, it’ll be a little easier. I went through hell and back to get this certification. Some people might be like, ‘how hard can it be?’ Well, I’ll tell you how hard it is. It was hard for me, my brain is all sorts of fucked up because of my epilepsy. The fact that I set out to and accomplish this feat is a huge step for me. My brain works kind of like a puzzle, some pieces fit perfectly, some pieces fit not quite right, and some don’t fit at all. When I’m at school learning, I have to write everything down. The more I understand it, the fewer notes I have to take, and vice versa. Unfortunately, because of the Phenobarbital I was on from the time I was an infant to a teenager, it slowed my thought process and so, everything I do is slow. The only thing that works fast in my brain is my thoughts; because of my epilepsy, my hand eye coordination, fine motor skills, and manual dexterity are off.
When I write, I’m incredibly sloppy and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. It’s given me wrong notes, bad grades, and having to repeatedly redo work and it’s pretty stressful. The fact that I graduated college and will become somebody is huge for me and I’m super excited to start my career. In other exciting news, Tad and I are getting married in a few days, so, I’m super excited for that, too. It’s gonna be outdoor, in a field, and everyone will be there! Oh, I’m so super excited. Later, got stuff to do!

“Well, that’s the last of it.” Sandra says.
“Yeah, didn’t take very long, did it?” Lizzie says.
“Beer?”
“Nah. Bowl?
“Yeah.”
“Sweet.”
“So uh, what are you going to do?”
“What do you mean?
“You don’t work.”
“You want me to?”
“It would be nice.”
“Oh, uh, I don’t know.”
“Well, you should figure something out.”
“I work for the army.”
“That’s one weekend a month, it’s not enough.”
“Fine, I’ll start looking for a job.”
“Good. You wanna work with me?”
“What does it pay?”
“Minimum wage.”
“We’ll see.”
“Ok.”
“You know…”
“Know what?”
“You’ve inspired me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think I’ll go to school too.”
“Oh yeah? For what?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe architecture.”
“You wanna be an architect?”
“Sure, why not? I’ve always been good at drawing and I’m sure with the stuff I learn I could probably come up with some neat stuff.”
“Do it up.”
“Yeah, I will.”
“C’mon, let’s go.”
“Where?”
“Get you that job.”
“Right now?”
“Sure, why not?”
“You really think I’ll get a job just like that?” she snaps her fingers.
“She owes me a favor.” They go to Redmart and Sandra approaches Lori. “Hey.”
“What do you want?”
“My sister needs a job.”
“Did she fill out an application?”
“She will, I just wanted to personally introduce you to my sister Lizzie.”
“Fill out an application.”
“You’ll hire her, right?”
“I can’t guarantee that. I’m running a business.”
“I know, but she really needs a job.”
“Like I said-” Sandra gets closer.
“Please hire her, do me a favor just this once, I didn’t tell anybody about your- uh- accident in the bakery.”
“Blackmail? That’s slimy.”
“Not blackmail, I just really want you to give my sister a job.”
“Fine. Put in an application.”
“Thank you.” They leave the store.
“What happened in the bakery?” Lizzie asks.
“It was hilarious. It was something out of a slapstick. They were making a banana flavored cake and she slipped on a banana peel and fell face first into the freshly decorated cake. She gave me 50 extra bucks in my paycheck not to say anything, the baker got fired though.”
“Sounds sleazy.”
“Yeah, it does. She’s such a c**t though.”
“Ok then.”
“Nothing anybody can do now.”
“I guess.” They go back to the apartment. “I have somebody coming over, if that’s cool.”
“Oh yeah, who?”
“A guy I met online, his name is Nathan.”
“Online?” she says skeptically.
“Don’t worry, I didn’t just meet him, I’ve been talking to him for over a year, and we’ve met a few times.”
“Why haven’t I heard about this?”
“I haven’t told anyone.”
“Alright, but if he’s a freak, he’s out.”
“Don’t worry; you have nothing to worry about.”
“We’ll see.” There’s a knock on the door.
“Nathan!”
“Hey Lizzie, what’s up?” Nathan, a medium sized, Hispanic guy with short, brown, curly hair and glasses, says.
“Nothing much, this is my older sister, Sandra.” Lizzie says.
“Hi, I’m Nathan.”
“Sandra. Nice to meet you.”
“Likewise.”
“So, where are you from?”
“I actually live downtown, on the east side.”
“Cool. Are you Hispanic, or…”
“Half Puerto Rican, half white.”
“Hah, us too.”
“What a coincidence.”

July 16, 2015

Dear Diary:
I think I successfully got Lizzie a job with me at Redmart. I honestly didn’t wanna go to the length I had to, but Lori isn’t a good person, so I kinda had to. I began my job hunt, and already I have interviews. It was a good move to go for the Master’s. I got over my stage fright, it took a lot of doing, but I finally did it. I’ll be able to teach the heck out of those kids. I can’t believe this will be a reality soon. My own class, Ms. Zircon’s class, I’m sorry, Mrs. Andrews’ class. Zircon has a better ring to it in my opinion, but hey, I love Tad, so it’s fine. Lizzie found a new boyfriend, it seems. His name is Nathan, and he seems nice, quiet.
Lizzie seems to like him a lot. Good for her, I really hope she’s found someone for good this time. All she wants is to be happy with someone, just like most, if not the rest of us. I just hope he treats my sister right. I’m not too concerned though, she’s tough. This guy seems ok so far, though. I’m sure the more I learn about him, the better I can make my judgment. Speaking of new men, Francine found a new boyfriend, and she’s been doing really good staying clean. Lawrence, too. He’s got a girl he’s been with for a while, Betty, and they’re engaged. Everybody’s lives are moving forward, and it’s nice to see. I’m so happy for everyone! Well, gonna hang out with Francine and Samuel tomorrow.

The next day, Sandra invites Francine and Samuel over. “Hey, Francine, how are ya?”
“Same s**t, different day.” Francine says.
“Yeah, I hear that.”
“Bowl?”
“Yeah, sure. How are you overall?”
“Doin’ ok, Sam’s a huge help.”
“That’s awesome!”
“Yeah.”
“Good! I’m happy for ya.”
“So, what do you wanna do?” Sandra shrugs.
“Wanna watch TV?”
“Yeah, sure.” Sandra turns on the TV and starts flipping channels. She stops on a news channel. “Really? News?”
“No, not usually, but I think I know that guy.”
“‘Robert Serfass trial for murdering his parents.’ Yeah, yeah, we went to school with him, remember? He got busted a few years ago in that huge drug raid, which is why he’s in jail now.”
“Oh, yeah! Wow, he gets into lots of trouble, doesn’t he?”... They watch.
“So, you’re on trial yet again, Mr. Serfass, I wonder if you enjoy it?” the reporter asks.
“My entire life has been trouble.” Rob says.
“We’ve heard from your girlfriend and best friend; now tell us, why did you do it?”
“Why did I do it, huh? Hmmm...I thought it was pretty obvious, I needed money.”
“You...couldn’t get a job? Asked for a loan? You had to kill your parents?”
“Yeah, it was the easiest option.”
“Easiest? These were the people that brought you into this world. How can killing them be easy?”
“They didn’t give a $h1+(beep) about me!
“Watch your language.”
“I was a mistake.”
“A mistake? How so?”
“My dad would get extremely trashed and would tell me he hated me. He would tell me how he wished he wasn’t too chicken to get the vasectomy back then. He told me I was the result of a broken condom, how my mother fell down the stairs on purpose once a day, because they couldn’t afford an abortion. He liked to tell me that they named me Rob because I robbed them of the life they were supposed to have. This wasn’t just once, or all at once, it was every time he was trashed, which happened almost every night. And mom, she was loud when she was drunk, agreeing with my dad about how much I sucked. When dad goes on one of his rants about not wanting me, mom would shout, drunk off her a*s, ‘Listen to your father, he’s always right.’ She would be nice to me when she was sober, trying to make up for what she said, and then the same night turn right back again, rinse and repeat.
You wouldn’t know by looking at us, especially when I was younger, every year just got worse and worse. They stopped caring about me completely when I wasn’t a cute little kid anymore. On my thirteenth birthday, a year before the drugs, my dad says to me: ‘Listen, it’s your thirteenth birthday, you’re not my chubby little burglar anymore, you’re a man now. You’re on your own, don’t come to us if you need help, you have to learn the hard way, that’s the real world for ya.’
He gave me a pack of cigarettes, lit the first one for me and said, ‘luck’. Not good luck, or bad luck, just luck. Guess that was his way of saying he didn’t care what happened to me. I only lived with them because they were obligated. And you wonder why I killed them. They deserved it.”
“If there was a problem, why didn’t you call social services?”
“I’ve always hated cops, I wanted to handle it myself, this was personal.”
“Do you feel good about what you did?”
“In all honesty? Yes.”
“Yes?”
“Yes. Only because what probably sounds like just words to you, is the truth. And I had to live with that truth; I had to live with neglect. I had to live with the knowledge that my parents didn’t want me to exist. They didn’t care about me, why should anyone else? Even my own girlfriend and supposed best friend hung me out to dry. I have nobody, nobody wants me around, nobody wanted me in the first place, and nobody will miss me, life goes on... I know I’m guilty, you know I’m guilty, just give me the death sentence and get on with your lives. I’m done being alive, there’s no reason for me to, what’s the point of my existence? None. C’mon, the quicker we finish this trial, the faster I can die. Just give me the sentence, and you can all go home while I go to die. I’m done.”
“What a bizarre turn of events as the man on trial, Robert Serfass, has surrendered his life to the justice system. A man with no options, he literally asked for the death penalty. We’ll go over the details of this trial after a short break.” The reporter says.
“Are you overexcited? Hopeful? Optimistic? Do people say you’re annoying to be around, and are only able to be enjoyed by drunken people because of your energy? Try Depressol. Depressol will take all of your feelings of joy away. You’ll be quieter, more tolerable, and have a crushing feeling of uselessness. It may make you think, ‘Wow, people only like me when I’m quiet!’” Announcer one says.
“Side effects include, but is not limited to, pregnancy in boys under twelve, extreme homophobia, penis enlargement or growth, hallucinations, seizures, heart attacks, diabetes, stomachaches, nausea, brain damage, fungal growth in the oral, anal, and vaginal areas, hemorrhoids, herpes, Alzheimer’s, ocular discharge, and suicide. Ask your doctor if Depressol is right for you.” Announcer two says. Sandra changes the channel.
“Holy s**t.” Francine says.
“What?” Sandra asks.
“He was really fucked up. I kinda feel bad for him.”
“Why? He killed his parents.”
“But they screwed him up.”
“Doesn't give him the right to kill them.”
“True, I guess he could have approached it differently…”

July 22, 2015

Dear Diary:
Ok, so this is an exciting month for me! My wedding is in two days and I become Sandra Andrews. Wow, I’m going to have a different last name. Totally weird. Also, I’m excited because Charlie is coming up for the wedding. We go waaay back, like; it’s literally measured by our age. You can’t beat a friendship with someone you’ve known your whole life. Well, depending on personal experience I guess, but for me, he’s the best friend I could have.
Yes, I have Francine, and I had Michael, but nobody knows me like Charlie. Tad is close, but he’s got catching up to do. This will be the happiest day of my life and I want him to be there for it. He’s going to get here tomorrow for the engagement/wedding party, a small just my closest buds and sister kind of party at a bar, we already had our bachelor/ette parties weeks ago, so this is just a group thing. A couple of days ago, I went to Lawrence’s wedding, which got me even more pumped. Not only that, but I am now the eleventh grade English teacher at Martin Luther High School, I’m so excited. This is it, life is finally happening! Nothing could go wrong, I’m so happy! I literally cried for an hour, I’m so happy. I can’t believe this is real, finally. I’ll keep you updated.

The day of the engagement party, Sandra stops by Redmart to pick up her paycheck. “I won’t be able to make it on Monday, that’s my honeymoon; I used a vacation day, why didn’t you honor it?”
“Three other people requested off, and they got it, too bad.” Lori says.
“You know what? I’m not going to fight it, I’m not coming in Monday or any day ever again, cause guess what, I got a real job, so you can take this job and shove it so far up your tight a*s, you tiny, evil b***h. You can go f**k yourself.” She flips her off and leaves the store. She goes to the bar to meet up with Francine, Tad, Charlie, Lizzie, Nathan, Samuel, and Jane; it starts to rain by the time she gets there.
“It’s only five o’clock, why so early?” Lizzie asks.
“So we have enough time to sleep it off, big day tomorrow, duh!” Sandra says.
“Shots!”
“Shots!” Everyone else repeats.
“Vodka.”
“Whiskey.”
“Rum.”
“Rum.”
“Vodka.”
“Whiskey.”
“Vodka.”
“Tequila.”
“Two shots whiskey, three shots vodka, two shots rum, and one shot tequila.”
“A toast!” Charlie says.
“Who-who me?” Tad asks.
“Yeah, you’re marrying someone important to everyone in this group, especially you, since you’re marrying her. Are you prepared for it?”
“Yeah, Sandra’s a cool chick; we get along great, real great actually, almost as if we were always together.”
“Good, good, I sincerely hope the best for you two.”
“Cheers!” They take their shots.
“Pool?” Sandra asks.
“I’m gonna kick your a*s!” Lizzie says.
“Let’s do teams.” Francine says.
“Four on one table, four on the other?” Sandra asks.
“How about me, Sam, Charlie and Jane?” Francine says.
“Alright. Me and Tad versus Lizzie and Nathan.
“Fine by me.” Nathan says. They play their games of pool as time goes by.
“How are you guys doing?” Sandra asks.
“Hungry.” Lizzie says. Tad goes and orders lots of fries from the grill area and comes back with another round of shots.
“Well?” Charlie asks.
“Fries.” Tad says, intoxicated.
“That’s it? Just fries?”
“Yeah, loads and loads of fries, man!”
“Anything to go with the fries?”
“No, just fries.”
“Why?”
“I’m hungry for just- a s**t ton of fries right now, man.”
“Seriously? You were ordering for all of us, not just you.”
“I did, that’s why I ordered so much.”
“You were just supposed to go and see what they had and tell us.”
“Oh yeah…” Everybody just goes and places their own orders anyway.
“I’ll get the next pitcher of beer!” Nathan says. The beer gets served. They pick a table and sit down.
“So, are you guys excited?” Jane asks.
“Yeah, still sorry I missed yours.” Sandra says.
“It’s ok, I’m happy for ya, how about another round of shots?”
“Shots!” Everyone says. They all take another shot.
“Another pitcher?” Francine says.
“Yeah, I wanna get so plastered and have a nice, long sleep.” Sandra says.
“Yeah, I wanna be able to feel like I can sleep forever.” Tad says.
“What?”
“You know, cause sleep is awesome, though I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow. But it’s getting late, so we’ll finish this pitcher and go home.”
“Yeah, big day tomorrow, guys.” Lizzie says. They finish their pitcher and everybody leaves.
“Hold on, I gotta pee.” Sandra says. She leaves for the bathroom. Tad turns to Charlie.
“Ok, no funny business tonight, you hear me? When I drop you guys off, I expect her to be clean when I get her tomorrow. I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing by getting her to let you stay with her tonight, but just know that I may kill you if you break my trust tonight. Sandra speaks highly of you and sees you as being very important to her. Well, she’s important to me too. Even though I’ve never met you before, it’s what she wants, and I’ll do anything to make her happy, even if it means trusting an almost stranger on the night before my wedding.”
“You don’t have to worry about anything. She’s my best friend in the whole world and I have enough respect for her to not do anything to f**k her life up. As for you, you make her happy and that’s what’s most important to me, to us. Don’t worry, you guys have my blessing. You’re a very lucky man, treat her right, and since you make her this happy, that’s earned my respect for you too.” Charlie says, eyes misting over. He gives him a firm handshake as Sandra shows back up.
“Guys getting along?” She asks.
“Perfectly well.” Tad says.
“C’mon, let’s go.” She opens the door. “Ah, s**t. It’s still raining.” The thunder booms in the distance and lightning flashes against the dark sky. Tad, Sandra, and Charlie get in the car; Tad starts it and takes off.
“Wow, it’s so dark.” Tad says.
“Slow down.” Sandra says.
“Yeah, alright.” He presses the gas. “Oh, s**t!” He slams on the brakes and starts hydroplaning, the car swerving from side to side, swinging violently one way or the other. He heads towards the curb, and swings the car into a hard left, smashing the entire front driver’s seat into a telephone pole, cracking it in half, and impaling his stomach through the bottom of the steering wheel, ripping him almost in half. Sandra jerked forward, and hit her head on the dashboard, and slams the side of her face off of the window, breaking it; while wearing her seatbelt, while Charlie was thrown forward and bounced off the seats and landed on the floor as he was sitting sideways in the back seat. Sandra, with her eyes closed, speaks.
“Hello?” she says.
“I’m here.” Charlie says.
“Tad?”
“Unn…” Tad groans. She looks over at him. She unbuckles her seatbelt and gets next to him.
“Noooo! Nooo! Not again!” She’s sobbing uncontrollably.
“It was my choice to make, I love you.” He smiles, and then he dies.
“I love you too.” She cries harder, “I’m poison! Everyone I love dies!” Charlie approaches her. “Stay away from me Charlie, if you wanna live!”

July 23, 2015

Dear Diary:
Why? Why does this keep happening to me? In twenty four hours I went from being a blushing bride to be, to a widow and I didn’t even get to marry him. Looks like Jack was right, I’m poison. Now that I think of the spooky visions, I should have seen this coming. Nope, I just blindly hoped for the best. I just lost the love of my life in one swift move. He told me it was his choice… what does that mean? I know he didn’t choose to die, that’s not like him. Although, a while ago, he said ‘lesser of two evils’... so does that mean…? Wow, ok, I’ll be right back; I’m going to cry a little more now.
Ok, I’m back. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. Maybe I should stay single for the rest of my life so I don’t have to go through this again, and for the safety of others. I loved that man and I could tell he loved me to the end, even though it was short. I’ll never forget him. We went to the hospital, and I might have a concussion, and Charlie got some bruises, but Tad was DOA. I hope I don’t have a seizure, it could probably kill me. In my current state of mind however, I might welcome it. Don’t worry, I won’t let it if I can help it, I actually don’t wanna die, I just feel like dying. The person I loved was ripped away from me and it hurts. A lot.

July 24, 2015

Dear Diary:
Well, today was supposed to be my wedding day. Instead, I spent the day returning all of Tad’s stuff to his grieving parents. I feel somewhat responsible. I should’ve called a cab, or maybe we could have taken the bus. Actually, we probably shouldn’t have had the party at all. I’m stupid. Know what? I gotta stop this partying stuff, I’m going to be a teacher, and I can’t be caught with my pants down. Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should. I lost two boyfriends because of it. I’ll probably just smoke, and that’s it. I had to call everybody and tell them not to show up today, that was really hard. I’ve literally been sitting here just grabbing chunks out of the cake and just eating it by the handful. Charlie’s sticking around for a little while, says he wants to help me get through this. I’ll let him; he is my best friend and all. I don’t know if I have trouble with just boyfriends or if I kill everyone I love. If so, he and my family and friends are in trouble. Maybe I should seclude myself and never bother anyone ever again. I don’t know, I’m just too afraid to get close to anyone now, I’m afraid they’ll die on me or something. I don’t know, I’m really scared though.

July 27, 2015

Dear Diary:
Today was the funeral, I lost it. I literally cried on his body for a good twenty minutes, his mom came up to me and we hugged and cried. It hurts me to know I’ll never see him again, and every time I see my squirrel, I’m gonna think of him, and that night, and it’s all the good times and just everything about him that I’m going to miss. He was so wonderful. He was kind, caring, loving, thoughtful, and such a gentleman. I finally had a great guy in my life and he dies. What sort of cruel, twist of fate would it be that I finally get someone worth keeping only to lose them forever before I get the chance? Just my luck. I must have some sort of curse on me or something, because I don’t see any other explanation. I’m cursed, I’m poison, and that’s all there is to it. Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to love again, just out of sheer fear that I’ll lose him. Whoever it may be, if anyone, would have to be immune to my poison. I still can’t believe he’s actually gone. Hopefully, by the start of the school year next month, I’ll be ok and can do my job.
This is going to be really hard because when I’m really stressed, I drink and I’m going to try not to drink no matter how bad I feel. I’ll try to occupy myself, but I can’t drink. People die when I drink and maybe I can be next and the first two were a warning. Maybe Jack was right about some things. Maybe I need to quit drinking, because when I do, I always drink to the point of almost blackout. I get drunk enough that I feel real good for real long but can still remember everything and wake up with no hangover. It’s the best superhero power ever, but lately, it’s a super villain power instead. PFfft. I’m such a f*****g nerd. But seriously, I gotta quit the s**t, it’s ruined my life twice already. I don’t know what my future holds, and I’m a little scared to find out. I’m just gonna stay home for the rest of the month, then I use next month to prepare for school, so I’ll be busy doing that, and then hopefully I’ll be on workahol. Yes, I just wrote that, I plan to give myself so much to do that I won’t have time to do anything else. Well, I’m going to get some sleep, a lot of it, a week straight. Later.

The next day, Sandra hears a knock on the door. She answers it to Francine. “Hey, how ya doin, bud?” Francine asks.
“Like my fiancé died in my arms.” Sandra says.
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“It’s cool, what’s up?”
“Brought you a present.”
“Oh yeah?”
“First of all.” She pulls a fat blunt out of her purse.
“Holy s**t.”
“Yeah, you can keep what we don’t finish.”
“It’s the thickness of a cigar.”
“Which is why I said you can keep what’s left, it’s a slow burn.”
“Nice.”
“And a tab of lucy.”
“F**k yeah.” They sit down on the couch and light up the blunt. “To Tad.”
“To Tad, may he rest in peace. He was a good man.”
“Indeed he was.” Sandra starts crying.
“Oh, don’t sog it before I’m done with it.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s alright, come here.” She gives her a hug.
“It’s just not fair.”
“I know, I know.”
“Am I a bad person?”
“What?”
“Am I a bad person?”
“No, of course not, why would you say that?”
“Because only something this horrible would happen to a bad person, this doesn’t happen to good people, so I must be a bad person.”
“No, you’re not a bad person, far from it.”
“Then why did it happen again?”
“It was an accident, you couldn’t have prevented it.”
“There was so many things I could’ve done differently.”
“Yeah, hindsight is 20/20.”
“What if I just never leave the house ever again, and just shrivel up and die?”
“Come on, stop it. There’s nothing wrong with you, just shut up and hit this, calm down.”
“Wow, it’s hitting me hard already.”
“Told ya it was good. Listen, think of it this way: there’s hope for you. Guys like him do exist, you just have to find another one.”
“But I wanted this one.”
“I know, but he’s gone forever.” Sandra starts crying again. “I’m sorry, I’m not that good at this.”
“No, I get it, I just miss him so much knowing he’s not coming back.”
“I get that.”
“Thanks for trying though.”
“No problem. You done with this?”
“Yeah.”
“Alright, I’ll see you later.”
“Where are you going?”
“Me and Sam gotta go do stuff.”
“Oh, ok.”
“Enjoy the tab.”
“Oh yeah, I forgot.”
“I hope it’s a good one.”
“Me too.”
“Alright, see ya.”
“See ya.” She leaves. Sandra sits there with the LSD in her hand, debating now or later, she decides now. She makes her way to her bedroom and lays on her bed.
“Hey.” She hears a male voice.
“Steve?” She sits up. He sits on the bed with her.
“What’s up, babe?” Steve says.
"You said you were going to die.”
“I said a lot of things I wasn’t proud of.”
“So, you’re not going to die?”
“As long as you remember me.”
“I didn’t think about you once over the past five years.”
“Well, yeah, you were living your life, like I told you.”
“And now he’s gone, which is why you’re back.”
“I’m so sorry about Tad, he was perfect for you.”
“I know, it’s all I’ve been thinking about.”
“You looked beautiful in that dress.”
“Thanks, too bad I’ll never get to wear it.”
“Don’t say that, it could happen someday.”
“How can I possibly think of moving on now? Tad literally just died a few days ago.”
“Yes, and as painful as it is, you have to think about after you’re done grieving.”
“Are you kidding? I’m two for two, I’m obviously cursed. I can’t put someone else’s family through this, and I can’t deal with this again. I’m sorry Steve, but I’m done with dating.”
“Sorry, I know it’s a bad time for me to talk about this.”
“Why did he have to go? Why couldn’t he have survived too? It’s not fair! I should have died with him!”
“He told you it was his choice.”
“And that’s what makes it worse, he chose to save my life in place of his own. It’s my fault he’s dead.”
“Stop saying that.”
“God! I wish everyone would stop f*****g saying that! The party? My idea. The date? My idea. The location? My idea. The time? My idea. ITS. MY. FAULT!” She points at herself, crying.
“There’s no way you could have known-”
“Well, duh! I’m not f*****g psychic, but this could have been prevented if I wasn’t stupid.”
“Maybe it’s time you stopped drinking.”
“No.”
“No?”
“You heard me. I won’t be able to be sober for at least a year.”
“What about school? You can’t show up to work completely piss pants drunk like you’re some cashier in a Megamart store, you’re a teacher.”
“You’re right, and it’s my first year. But my sober thoughts are my worst thoughts.”
“It might be painful, but you’ll have to suffer through it. Just concentrate on your work. If you have the need to drink, just save it for when you have extended time off.”
“Winter, spring, and summer breaks. I think I can do that. I’ll throw in weekends too for good measure.”
“Uh-”
“Shut up, I’m in control here, not you.”
“Whatever you say, man.”
“I still love you though, thanks for checking up on me.”
“No problem. True love does exist, you can find it again. Tad’s proof of that.”
“But come on, there’s no way it’s that easy.”
“I never said it was going to be easy, just that it’s still plausible.”
“Plausible. You just went from proof to plausible. Make up your mind.”
“I don’t have all the answers, but think of it like this: If someone like Tad exists, then it’s possible it can happen again with someone else, you just gotta find the right person.”
“Why? So they can die too?”
“Look, either you find a way to move on, or you go crazy. Take your time, I’m not telling you to rush, just don’t give up hope, is what I hope you’ll take from this.”
“Thanks, Steve.”
“I’ll always be there for you as long as you need me and remember me.”
“I’ll never forget you.”
“I hope you do some day.”
“Why?”
“Life. Live it.”
“But you’ve helped me so much.”
“Babe.”
“What?”
“I’m just the middleman. You know these things subconsciously, I just let you know how it is.”
“Am I crazy?”
“No, just tripping. If you weren’t tripping, then yeah.”
“No, I mean other than that.”
“I don’t follow.”
“They say the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results.”
“Yeah, so?”
“I keep thinking, the next one will be different. The next one will be the one, and now I’ve buried two boyfriends in the span of six years, and how do I know it won’t happen again? It’s going to literally make me crazy if it turns out I can never love again. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, and yet each time it’s the same thing. I invest all my time and affection only to get screwed over by life. I’m sick of it. Why is it so hard, God? Why?”
“I don’t have all the answers, but it’s like I said, even if it’s just a glimmer, have some hope.”
“F**k you.”
“Whatever.”
“Hope in one hand, s**t in the other, tell me which one fills up faster.”
“Alright, calm down, hit the blunt and relax, you’re exhausted.”
“I had my happily ever after, and it’s ripped the f**k away.”
“Ok, you’re still mad.”
“Of course I’m still mad, I wish I could stop thinking about it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“So what did you do for five years?”
“What?”
“I’m changing the subject.”
“For five years? I did nothing, I don’t exist until you need me to.”
“That’s helpful.”
“Well, um, so I went on vacation in Aruba.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ve never been, was it nice?”
“Uh, yeah, I guess.”
“What else did you do?”
“Mountain climbing on Mt. Everest. Made it all the way to the top. See?” He takes out a phone from his pocket, turns it on, and shows her pictures of aforementioned vacation photos.
“Awesome, anything else?”
“There was that time I fought a space dinosaur on the moon.”
“Sweet, what else?”
“I flew a dragon, drank lava, and was even in a McJizzle commercial.”
“Sweet, meet anyone famous?”
“Yeah, but that’s in my other phone. I met everyone, so it took up all the space on that phone.”
“Cool!”
“Look, that time I was a plate of corn, haha, good times.”
“I’m getting tired.”
“Already?”
“Yeah, this hit me hard.”
“Well, ok. Can I visit you in your dream?”
“Sure, why not?”
“See you soon, sweetheart.”
“Good night.”

July 28, 2015

Dear Diary:
Ok, so I’m two for two with Steve showing up after my boyfriend dies, what does it mean, if anything? I don’t care what he says, it’s too early to think about moving on, if at all. I’m not completely sure about that decision. God, I miss him so much, he’s all I think about. Last time I talked to Steve, I felt better. Not this time, this time I felt a little pissed off before I passed out. He didn’t show up in my dream like he said he would. That’s ok, I didn’t expect him to. I keep dreaming instead of happy memories of Tad, and I wake up crying on a tear and snot soaked pillow.
It sucks, because I’m hurting from the very start of the day until I go to sleep, constantly thinking about him, holding back tears all day only to cry in my sleep, which in itself is exhausting. I don’t know how I can live like this. I have three days before I have to get my act together. I hope I stop crying in my sleep soon, I’m finding it hard to just get out of bed, sometimes I don’t for hours, I just lay there, drifting in and out of consciousness. I still wish I was dead, I hate feelings, and I hate that I have to feel like this. I wish he was still alive, which is more than I could ever say for Jack. This man was the total opposite, he was supposed to stay. It’s not fair, it’s not fair at all that I have to suffer like this. This is why I don’t expect good things out of life, because they never last. F**k it, I’m done.

The next day, there’s a knock on the door and Charlie answers it. “Charlie? I thought this was Sandra’s house?” Kurt asks.
“It is, I’m up here for the week, for the uh,-” he looks behind him and checks, and looks back at Kurt “-wedding.” he whispers.
“Yeah, that’s why I came up, is she alright?”
“Not really, she’s still sleeping right now.”
“I don’t blame her, she must be a mess. I can’t imagine losing my fiancée, I love her too much. I’d probably break the hell down too.”
“How long are you planning on staying?”
“Well, I came up to talk specifically to her, so I don’t know. I packed extra just in case.”
“You really think she’ll want you around?”
“I don’t know, I mean, I’m her friend and all, I was hoping she’d be at least somewhat happy to see me.”
“And your fiancée is fine with this?”
“Yeah, she understands to a degree.”
“To a degree?”
“I just told her that my friend Sandy’s fiancée died and I might need to spend a couple days for comfort. Never mentioned Sandy was a woman.”
“You’re playing with fire, my friend.”
“Look, if I told her, she’d freak out, and there’s nothing to worry about. I’m not going to cheat on my girlfriend with a grieving bride to be, that’s just fucked up.”
“Hey man, as long as you know what you’re doing.”
“Why are you still here?”
“She needed me too.”
“No Michael?”
“Nah, that friendship is over.”
“Yeah, I unfriended him years ago, knowing how he is, and have it put publicly just pissed me off.” There are motion sounds behind them.
“She’s up. Does she know you’re here?”
“No, I have a bad habit of doing that. I couldn’t make the wedding cause I had to work. Then I heard what happened, so I requested a few days off to check on her.”
“So, you couldn’t make the wedding or the funeral, but you’re here now?”
“Do you know how hard it is for a nurse to get time off? I’m always busy.”
“Alright, fine. Whatever.” Sandra approaches the doorway and sees Kurt.
“Kurt? What are you doing here?” She asks.
“I, uh, came to visit you, see how you’re doing.”
“I haven’t seen you since Jack died, what the hell are you trying to pull?”
“Nothing! I was just trying to be a good friend and console you in this time of grieving.”
“Alright, well, it’s good to see you anyway.”
“Do you want to talk about it or anything?”
“No, I just, I’m not going to be good company.”
“That’s ok, we’ll be here for the next few days in case you need anything.”
“Whatever, house is yours.” She grabs some food and a drink from the kitchen, goes into her room, turns on some music and locks the door.

July 29, 2016

Dear Diary:
Again, Kurt randomly showed up today with no explanation except just to see me. I hope he’s not up to something, I mean, I do feel a little weird having two men in my house, both of which have girlfriends but they’re also my friends, and I trust them. I don’t plan on interacting with them much, although seeing them makes me both happy and sad. Happy that they’re there for me and being good friends, but sad because they’re good guys and they’re both taken, and my good guy is gone and I can never be with them and I’ll never be happy again. Tad was my shot at real happiness, and he’s gone. I’ll never get that chance again, if I do, it’ll be a miracle. I should spend at least some time with them, after all, they came all the way out here for me, and I’m going to be by myself for a long time, so I might as well enjoy the company now.