Part V: 6 Months Later

Part V: 6 Months Later

September 19, 2010

Dear Diary:
After my fight with Michael, I didn’t have much of a choice but to move out so I moved in with Francine. I learned that I was right; they’re selling and using something else, heroin. I’m really disappointed in them; I thought they were better than that. Apparently not, considering that the way I caught them was that they were shooting it up. It happened a couple of months ago, as I was just coming home from work, I went to my room in the basement to change, and when I went upstairs to say hi and get ready to smoke with them, I went into the living room and they were just sitting there on the couch, with the needle in their arms, almost passing out. The way things are going, I can tell that they’re probably going to get in trouble soon or die, and it breaks my heart because I never thought they’d fall like this. I don’t know where they get it from considering Zakk’s dead, but in a city like this, I guess anything’s possible. In other news, I got a job at Redmart, a local grocery store. The boss seems kind of cool, though he doesn’t really interact with anyone. I kind of hate the job though, being a cashier sucks donkey dick. My coworkers and supervisors are pretty cool, too; some of them I went to school with. I guess that’s it with new stuff, except for maybe the fact that since they don’t have jobs, Lawrence’s brother and his girlfriend moved into the upstairs attic to help pay for rent since Francine and Lawrence spend most of the money they earn from selling that s**t to buy even more s**t. Well, I guess I’d better save some space in this thing considering I’ll be filling it up soon, yet again. I’m surprised I didn’t have a different one every year like I did when I was a teenager, but then again, I don’t write in it every single day like I used to. I’ll buy a new one when I get the chance, though I don’t know when. This one has been with me for quite a while though, and right now it’s the only thing keeping me sane and it lets me vent. Well, good night; work tomorrow.

Sandra comes home from work, goes downstairs to her room, changes, smokes a bowl, and goes upstairs to check on Francine and Lawrence. They’re both passed out on the couch with a cigarette still burning in Francine’s hand. Sandra smacks her in the face to wake her up. “Huh, wha-“ Francine says.
“Your smoke is still burning.” Sandra says.
“Yeah, I’m smo- smoking it, way to ruin my high, b***h.” She puts out the cigarette and lights a new one.
“You were passed out and it was still lit, almost out.”
“Shut the f**k up.”
“No, I’m only trying to help.”
“’S alright, I got it all under control.”
“Got what under control?”
“The, the thing-“she starts to pass out again.
“What thing are you talking about?”
“The smoke thing, high, s**t.” The second cigarette is burning just like the last one, with a long ash falling off onto her pants.
“Wake up!”
“What, what do you want from me?” Francine mumbles.
“Well, I wanted to hang out, but I can see you’re too busy getting high to care.”
“Yeah, yeah, love high.” She passes back out again. Sandra goes back downstairs and watches a couple of movies and a few hours later, Francine comes downstairs. “Hey, what time is it?”
“Ten o’clock.”
“Holy s**t. What happened?”
“You got high and passed out.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
“Damn, I’m sorry.”
“No you’re not, you’ll just do it again tomorrow.”
“I’m f*****g hungry. You feel like pizza?”
“I think the pizza place is closed now.”
“Ah, s**t. I’ll find something.” Francine goes upstairs and puts together random ingredients. She calls down to Sandra, “Are you hungry?”
“I could eat.” So, she goes upstairs where Francine has a pan of tortilla chips, ground beef and cheese. Lawrence is watching tv, and a pipe is set up. “Cool, are we gonna smoke?”
“After dinner.” So, they eat and watch tv, and smoke the pipe. Francine turns to Lawrence, “After dinner mint?” she asks
“Sure.” Lawrence says. They both go into their bedroom and do a line of heroin each.
“Why are you guys so into that?” Sandra asks.
“Cause we can.” Francine says.
“But it’s one of the worst of them out there, I don’t want you to die.”
“We’ll be fine, we know what we’re doing.” Lawrence says.
“I hope so, I don’t wanna see cops or the ambulance outside the house one day when I’m coming home from work.”
“Don’t worry, it’s fine; we’re under the radar, remember?”
“Yeah, for now, but it won’t last forever.”
“Yeah, that’s what you think.”
“C’mon, you can’t tell me you trust everyone you sell to.”
“Why wouldn’t we?”
“Are you serious? If any of them gets caught, they’ll throw you directly under the bus if it means not getting into trouble.”
“Nah, they’re good people.”
“If they’re such good people, they wouldn’t be buying heroin.”
“It’s an opiate, a painkiller, these people need this stuff.”
“No, they don’t, they’re all drug addicts.”
“Think what you want, we’re not changing a thing.”
“Fine, don’t listen.”

September 20, 2010

Dear Diary:
It’s just awful; I can’t even believe this s**t is really happening. In the few months that Francine and Lawrence have been selling heroin, things have changed in some way or another. They’re not as social, or as much fun to hang out anymore, they’re lives have become focused on that. People are dying, too; I didn’t really think it would go that far, but in a way I did. One of them was a really close friend of theirs, one was just a friend or something, and the one that really bothers me was Erica’s boyfriend that she met back during the tattoo party. Ugh, I shudder to think back to that day. Anyway, it really bothers me, because when Lawrence heard about it, his reaction was to laugh and say that he was glad he was dead. I’m sorry, but that’s just mean.
It doesn’t matter who it is, nobody should really deserve to die. In my book, the only people who truly deserve to die are the ones who have taken a life themselves, or have hurt a person beyond repair. His excuse was that he was glad he died because he hated him. Still, it doesn’t matter, he was a human being. I’m seriously considering if maybe I made the right decision in choosing my friends, because it seems like its always getting screwed up no matter who I choose, but I should probably get out of here while I still have the chance. I’m not sure how I plan to do it, but I’ll think of something, maybe God will throw a curveball my way and I’ll be able to find a new place to live so I don’t get caught in the middle. I’ve been trying to make some new friends, but I really don’t want to associate with these people that hang out with them or buy things from them, that would be stupid. I’m trying to find people that aren’t into that. Of course, I have been talking to Jane and Kevin; they don’t want to be here either. Maybe I can find an apartment with them somehow…

“I’m so freaking bored.” Sandra says one day at work.
“At least we’re getting paid.” Her coworker says.
“Yeah, but we’ve been standing around for at least a half an hour, and like, nobody has come into my line.”
“I had a couple.”
“Yeah, lucky you.”
“It’s not like they bought a lot.”
“More action than I’ve gotten; why the hell is it slow?”
“I dunno, probably cause it’s Monday, and in the middle of the day.”
“Just be glad it’s not the beginning of the month.”
“Nah, they like to come in the middle of the night when they can shop in their pajamas with their screaming children who just wanna go to sleep.”
“That’s an awful stereotype, they’re not all like that.”
“No, just most of them. I know, I’ve seen it, I’ve waited on them, and dealt with their bullshit.”
“Whatever, just don’t let the boss hear you talking like that.”
“Like I give a s**t.” Their boss walks up to the two girls.
“It’s slow today, I need one of you to go home.” He says.
“I’ll go.” Sandra says.
“Turn off your light, and hand in your drawer.”
“Ok.” About twenty minutes later, Sandra walks into the house and heads to the basement. She changes and smokes a bowl. She heads upstairs to check on Francine and Lawrence. The television is on, cigarettes are burning, and Lawrence is passed out on the couch. Francine is in the bathroom with the door wide open, sitting on the toilet, passed out with a needle in her arm, but clearly breathing. Frustrated, she goes upstairs to the attic, where Jane and her boyfriend are watching tv. “Hey, you do you guys mind if I hang out with you two? I’m bored and the dope addicts are passed out blind down there.”
“Yeah, sure.” Jane says. “That ok with you, hun?”
“Sure, whatever.” He says.
“So, Kevin, how can you deal with your brother shooting up heroin all day every day?” Sandra asks.
“I don’t care.” Kevin says.
“But he’s your brother, shouldn’t you talk to him or something?
“I’ve tried. My parents have tried. He’s addicted and we’ve given up at this point.”
“But, what about rehab?”
“He’s not willing to go, and we can’t force him.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can.”
“Nope.”
“Why not?”
“He’ll just leave. We’ve tried a couple times before, back when he was hooked on pills.”
“Yeah, but this more serious.”
“We’d like to help, but he doesn’t even realize he has a problem. He thinks he’s fine.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, he thinks he’s got it all under control and that’s it’s just for fun.”
“For fun?”
“Yeah, recreational.”
“He’s passed out on the couch with a cigarette in his hand and she’s passed out on the toilet with a needle in her arm. That can’t be fun, man.”
“Yeah, well, I’m pretty done with them at this point.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, if they overdose or get caught, that’s on them. They’re adults and I’m done trying to help, and the rest of my family agrees.”
“Oh…”
“Oh, hey, just so ya know, we got someone coming over to hang out later if you’re interested in staying to chill.”
“Oh yeah? Who?”
“A good friend of ours, Tad.”
“Oh, hey, I know a Tad.”
“Well, lots of people have the same names, I mean, come on, I’m sure you’ve ran into other Sandras.”
“You’d think so, but, no.”
“Huh, that’s interesting.”
“It happens- or doesn’t in this case.”
“Well, he’s here, could you let him in?”
“Yeah, sure.” Sandra walks downstairs, unlocks and opens the door. “Tad?”
“Sandra?” Tad, a short guy with medium long black hair with facial piercings and tattoos on his arms, says.
“How the hell are you? It’s been a few years since I last saw you.”
“Yeah, holy s**t, I didn’t know you’d be here.”
“I didn’t know that the Tad Jane and Kevin were talking about was you.”
“Uh… Yeah…? I don’t…know?”
“Yeah, never mind. Come on up.” They go up to the attic, and on the way up Sandra notices that Francine and Lawrence have regained consciousness and are moving around; they finally reach the attic.
“Hey, Tad, you made it!” Kevin says.
“Oh, yeah. I didn’t know you guys were friends with Sandra.”
“Oh… I didn’t know you knew Sandra.”
“Yeah, I’ve known her for a few years.”

September 21, 2010

Dear Diary:
Today was a very interesting day. I left work early, which is alright by me, I was bored anyway. After my bowl, I went upstairs to hang out with the dope heads, but they were passed out from drugs as usual. I decided to hang out with Jane and Kevin instead, and I learned that they were friends with Tad. Tad is a guy I knew from back when he was a teenager. He’s the same age as my sister and they went to school together. We eventually became friends and we talked together a lot over the computer. I never thought that I’d see him again out of the blue like this, mostly because I didn’t know that he was friends with my friends. So, after we went upstairs, the four of us smoked a bowl and watched a couple of movies. It was nice to catch up and see him, though I do have a little crush on him because he’s just my type. He likes a lot of the same stuff I do, and he’s an artist, which is a bonus. He really wants to get a career in tattooing, which, I have to admit is kind of hot. He told me about how he and his girlfriend recently broke up, and I told him how my dating escapades were, and it was really great catching up.
He told me that he might visit again soon, which I would really, really like in more ways than one. He’s my friend, but he’s also a hot friend, and maybe, just maybe, I could maybe convince him to give me a try. I suggested it to him, but he says he doesn’t wanna ruin our friendship. I find that to be bullshit because we’re already friends, and what’s wrong with wanting to take it to the next level? I told him it’d still be like we were friends, except we’d just be in a relationship, no big deal.
He said he’d have to think about it, and I really hope he agrees. I need a good change of pace, considering with what I’ve had to deal with in the past with those failed opportunities and that a*****e of two years, Jack. I’ve been waiting for something better to come along, and I really hope I’m on point with this one. It’s been one disappointment after another, and I really hope something works this time. He’s a nice guy, and I’m a nice girl, and he really is ideal for me, considering he’s got a lot of qualities that I look for, so, who knows? This one might be it this time. (If he says yes, that is.)

A few days later, Sandra is at home waiting on a visit from Tad while hanging out with Francine and Lawrence. “So, you waiting on your boyfriend?” Francine teases.
“He’s not my boyfriend, Francine.” “Though I wish he was.” She says to herself.
“Could have fooled me, you were getting awfully cozy with him.”
“So?”
“So, I naturally thought that he was your boyfriend.”
“No, we’ve just been friends for a real long time.”
“Uh huh, sure.” There’s a knock on the door.
“I’ll get it!” Sandra rushes to the door.
“Hey, Sandy.” Tad says.
“Hi Tad.”
“How are you doing?”
“Oh, I’m fine, want to come downstairs and watch a movie?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Ok, come on.” They go downstairs and Sandra picks out a movie. “So, I’ve been meaning to talk to you…”
“About what?”
“Well, I was kind of wondering, if maybe, we could try going out?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Still?”
“Well, like I said, I don’t wanna ruin our friendship.”
“And I said it won’t. We’ll still be friends, except we’ll do, you know, other things.”
“I’m still not sure.”
“But I really care about you, Tad.”
“I care about you too, Sandy, but I’m just, I’m not sure.”
“What do we have to lose?”
“Our friendship! I’ve said that twice already.”
“But why would it end?”
“Because it would be weird to go back to being friends after… you know…”
“I don’t see why it has to, we’re both adults, I know I can be mature about it, can you?”
“I guess, I don’t know.”
“What’s not to know?”
“Because talking about it and actually doing it are two different things, life is weird like that. I mean, I do like you, don’t get me wrong. You’re a nice, sweet girl and you’ve never caused me any problems, but that’s because we’ve only been friends, a relationship is a whole different animal.”
“Well, how about we give it a little trial run?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, like, we try dating for a little while, like, a couple weeks or whatever, and see how it goes.”
“Hmm, I guess we could…”
“Really?” Sandra says excitedly.
“I… You know what? F**k it. Yeah, let’s give it a shot.”
“Oh, thank you, thank you, I promise that you won’t regret this decision.”
“Well, I certainly hope not.”
“I’m serious, you won’t.”
“And how can I be sure?”
“Trust me.” And she gives him a kiss on the lips.
“Do you, uh, wanna go out on a date somewhere? Get the feel of it?”
“Yeah, sure, what do you wanna do?”
“Well, maybe we could start off with dinner.”
“That’d be nice.”
“Alright, let’s go.” So, both Tad and Sandra go out to dinner, and everything goes fine, and afterwards, Tad drops Sandra off at her house.
“That was nice, I had fun.”
“Know what? Me too.”
“Oh, good. Maybe it would be worth a shot after all?”
“Yeah, you know what? Maybe we don’t need a trial run, let’s just go for it.”
“I’m like this every day, so it’s not like I’m suddenly going to be a different person now that we’re dating.”
“That’s good to hear. I’m going to head home.”
“Ok, I’ll be seeing you.” She gives him a kiss good night. She walks into the house and squeals.
“Told you.” Francine says.
“Told me what?”
“That he’s your boyfriend.”
“He is now, he wasn’t before.”
“Yeah, well, you know.”
“No, I don’t.”
“I dunno, I kinda saw it coming.”
“No you didn’t, you just made an observation and assumed, then when it was validated unintentionally, it gave you the false impression that you were clairvoyant to my situation.”
“Uh, what?”
“You just thought you saw it coming, when instead, it was a sequence of events that just happened to accurately describe what you were talking about.”
“I hate when you get nerdy on me.”

September 24, 2010

Dear Diary:
I am so freaking excited, Tad finally agreed to start dating! I hope I’m right and he is the one for me because I’m sick of being on this roller coaster of heartbreak, douchebaggery and rejection. All I want is a nice guy who I know and can trust; someone who loves me for me, and I think that Tad may be that person. We had a great day today, we watched a couple of movies, went to dinner, and at the end of the night, he actually gave me a kiss goodnight. I really hope I’m right and he truly is the one for me because, well, I guess I made that point pretty clear already.
It’s crazy, I moved in with Francine and Lawrence because Francine was my best friend, and I figured I’d be hanging out with her all the time like we did before I moved in. Instead, I’ve been hanging out with Lawrence’s brother and his girlfriend way more than I hang out with Francine and Lawrence, and it was through them that I was able to reconnect with Tad. Then from there I was able to talk to Tad and let my feelings out and now, we’re dating! Isn’t amazing how life works sometimes? Of course, upon moving in, I wasn’t aware that they had become heroin dealers and addicts.
Besides, it’s next to impossible to try and have a conversation with them because they’re either too doped out or passed out. Ugh, I sound like a broken record, but it’s just that things haven’t really been easy for me, what with being alone most of the time. That’s why I’m glad I have Tad now, He says that he’s going to sleep over this weekend, so I’m totally excited for that. I wonder if anything will happen with him, like, intimately. The only reason I wonder is because he’s a guy and I know how guys can be, but I think it would be alright because I sort of want it happen.
Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I want it to happen, I’m just fooling myself into thinking that it’s something that I wouldn’t want, after all, I am attracted to him, and have feelings for him, so I’ll take whatever he dishes out. Well, perhaps I should end here, I’m running out of room and I don’t have quite enough money for a new diary yet, so I kind of want to save the last page in case something happens or I get a new one, so good night.

A few days later, Sandra is at work, waiting for customers. “This is such bullshit, who goes shopping at two in the morning?”
“Hey, you’re the one who volunteered for tonight’s night shift.” The night manager says.
“So what am I supposed to do in the meantime?”
“I don’t know, just wait, I guess.”
“This is stupid, I wish I was doing something else.”
“Yeah, like what?”
“I don’t know, maybe my parents were right, maybe I should’ve stayed in school.”
“Oh? What did you go to school for?”
“Oh, I went to school for education, wanted to be a teacher.”
“Why’d you quit?”
“The pressure was getting to me, and it was taking too long for me to get my degree. What should’ve taken me two years to do ended up being four.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Yeah, plus I thought just working would be a better option because of the fact that there wouldn’t be any pressure to try and pass or fail at what I’m doing.”
“Sounds stupid.”
“Now that I think about it, yeah, it’s kind of stupid, but hey, what am I gonna do?”
“Why don’t you go back to school?”
“Really?”
“Yeah, it seems pretty obvious that you’re not happy with where you are.”
“I didn’t think I’d hate retail THIS much.”
“So what are you gonna do about it?”
“You’re probably right, I should really go back to school.
“Hey, I wish I had gone when I had the chance, now look at me. I’m forty five, have been working here for ten years, and won’t get to retire. I’ll work here until I die; it’s not like they offer health benefits or anything here, hell, I don’t even get a pension.”
“That sucks.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Well, I think I’ll consider it.”
“You definitely should.” The rest of the night passes on, and Sandra goes home to find Francine and Lawrence awake and watching television.
“What are you guys doing up so early?”
“Nah, we’re up still.” Francine says.
“Why?”
“Because we’re out of dope and can’t sleep.”
“That’s pretty sad.”
“What?”
“You’re so addicted that you can’t even function without it anymore.”
“No…”
“Yes. It’s obvious; look at you guys, you look like a couple of fiends.”
“What? No, we’re fine.”
“If you were fine, you wouldn’t be shaking and stuff, you’d be talking to me as calmly as I’m talking to you.”
“Shut the f**k up! I told you, we’re f*****g fine!
“Thanks for proving my point.”
“Get the f**k out! Get the f**k out of our house!”
“Just try and get some sleep, I’m going to bed.”
“Get the f**k out!”
“Fine.” Sandra goes down to the basement to her room, and falls asleep almost instantly. When she finally wakes up, she calls Tad, and he comes over after fifteen minutes. “Hey, thanks for coming over; bowl?”
“Sure.” Tad says.
“Ah, I love wake and bakes.” They smoke and sit for a little while. “Thanks for coming over, I really needed you here, Francine and Lawrence are insufferable without their drugs.”
“Withdraw?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m really sorry you have to live in these kinds of conditions.”
“Yeah, well, it happens.”
“I wish there was something I could do to help.”
“Nah, it’s alright, you being here is enough for me.” She puts her head on his shoulder.
“Well, whatever helps, I guess.”
“You know, I’m surprised they didn’t say anything when I got the door to let you in.”
“Maybe they finally fell asleep.”
“I hope so.”
“Should we check on them anyway?”
“Yeah, I guess.” They go upstairs, and check on Francine and Lawrence, who have paper baggies strewn on their coffee table and a needle.
“Looks like they got their fix.”
“I guess so.” Sandra sighs, “Looks like they’ll never get over their addiction.”
“Hey, even when people are at their worst, there’s always room for improvement, they just have to be coerced to do so.”
“I’ve tried, though.”
“You can’t give up though, she’s your best friend, you just have to remind her how life is good without the heroin.”
“I don’t know if she’ll listen to me, I told you this.”
“You can’t give up, though. C’mon, let’s go to your room and watch a movie.”

September 27, 2010

Dear Diary:
Well, this is it, the last page of my current diary. Looking back, it seems like it’s been one shitstorm after another, and I hope the next one will look nicer and not so beat up; both inside and outside. Good news is now that I have Tad, my life is slowly getting better, and who knows? Maybe one day we can move in together and… I think I’m getting ahead of myself, but, hey, a girl can dream, can’t she? I’m trying to think and be positive. I’m going to go back to school so I’m not trapped in that red hell that I have to slave through day after day; I don’t get paid nearly enough to deal with the bullshit that goes on there. Hopefully I’ll still have Tad by the time I finish school and then things can really kick off. I haven’t talked to Michael in months and he hasn’t contacted me. Oh well, I guess our friendship wasn’t as much of anything as I thought. Fourteen years down the drain, just like that. Francine on the other hand, is just being stubborn, she thinks she’s fine but she’s not and I’m afraid that things might end with her too, just because she can’t get over her addiction, which has become the most important thing in her life right now. Looking back, I was a fool to stay with Jack as long as I did, and I made plenty of dumb decisions during that time. I don’t know what I was trying to accomplish or prove, but I’m glad it’s all over. Well, I’m running out of room, and it’s been a hell of a ride. Hopefully this is a sign; new book, new start, new life. Goodbye old friend, see you in the archives with my other ones.




To Be Continued...