Love of my life

How I once loved in an Utopian dream!

Love of my life

I have always been amazed by the beauty of Shila. Living across from my street she was the dream that I could see when I woke up in the morning, looking out form the window. She was a beautiful girl of eighteen, just two years younger than me. She was the girl on whom my mind was fixated from the time that I can remember. We pretty much grew up together, and I remember being friends with her in my childhood but I don't even remember having a good conversation with her for years. My sweet innocent childhood got mixed up in the chaos of hormones and teenage awkwardness making it impossible to even look at her, let alone talk to her. It's not that I didn't want to, but I was too shy and to frightened.

Life was going on like this. Any girl in my class with whom I could be involved with I always ended up comparing with her, may be the girl could sense it too, and nothing quite worked out. The end result was that I hadn't been involved with any girl for long term or for that matter even short term. My fixation to my neighbor was may be costing me my teenage happiness, but I didn't even have a way out.

My high school was ending and soon I would be moving on to college. I felt that if I didn't talk with her now I could never in my life. I had to gather the courage to talk with her, may be share my feelings with her. After contemplating the idea for about a month I finally found enough courage to go talk with her.

It was a warm July morning. I was up early, hadn't slept much the last night. My heart was pounding through my chest. I didn't know what I was going to say to her. I looked out of my window and saw her in her backyard. She was hanging some washed clothes. She looked lovely in her blue summer dress. Her face looked like a sparkling jewel in the morning sun. The way she moved, her walk, the gesture with her hand, everything was magical to me. The grace, the poise, the attitude and something more that I couldn't even name amazed me and kindled a flame inside me that I knew nothing would ever blow out.

I went downstairs and headed to the small fence separating our houses. She must have been busy hanging the clothes, she didn't look up as I approached. I just stood there trying to figure out what I was going to say. I don't know how much time passed, but for me it seemed like an eternity. My heart was pounding away, my ears were ringing, my feet felt like they were made from lead and my tongue seemed glued to my mouth. There she was just going on doing what she was doing without a care for me. And here I was tormented by the very sight of her. I felt love, care, anger, lust, fear, anguish and so much more at the same time. There was so much going on in my head and my body that I couldn't think straight. It was at this moment that she saw me. I imagine what it must have looked like to her, a frightened and anxious face, sweat trickling down with big brown eyes boring into her. She tried to smile but I couldn't move my lips into a curve and smile back. So here I was staring at her, not able to move, not able to say anything. I could feel so much love for her, but I just didn't know what to say to her. The recurring thought that came coming back to me was “I love you!”, “I love you!”, “I love you!”. So that was what I blurted out. May be my voice was very thin at that time, so she didn't hear me. She came a few steps closer, and asked “What did you say?” I repeated “I love you!” And then just turned back and ran into my house, into my room and fell on my bed. I was just clutching my head with my hands to stop it form breaking away, I thought it would with my heart beating so fast and sending so much blood to it. After a while, when I had calmed down a bit I peeped out of the window, just a little so as not to be seen, but she was not there. I hadn't even seen her reaction. May be she felt that it was a joke. May be she thought that I was mad, or queer or something else. I wanted to go back, and explain to her about the love that I felt towards her. I wanted her to see inside my heart and then love me back. I didn't have the courage then to go. And it was a good thing that I didn't, because I didn't even know what I was going to say to her. I didn't know how to express my love to her. I was too deeply in love with her, and I had developed this feeling in the loneliness of my heart. She didn't share this experience with me and sure would not have understood it. It would have just frightened her and it would have devastated me too.

Many years have passed since that day. I haven't had a chance to talk with her since then. I still feel a lot of love for her inside me. After moving to college, I met with a lot of girls. The shyness, awkwardness and fear slowly melted away so that I could finally come out of the ice cage and spread some warmth to my relationships. I have had many friends and some good relationships with some amazing people since then. The time with them was like wine, that bitter-sweet feeling! Through all this Shila was always on my mind. I had realized now that may be she was the girl that I imagined her to be, or may be she was not. But I never could find that out. She was the enigma, the idea, the very thought of love to me. She was sort of the pinnacle that I wanted everyone to reach so that I could worship them like I worshiped her. It is an utopian thought. I know that. But my heart always yearns for that sweet, innocent unrequited love. In my dreams I always see her. It may not be that I am seeing her but just my idea of her, of love!