Un Dat Tree

My attempt at Cheesy Pick-Up Lines.

          Un Dat Tree

 

Som-un once tole lil ole me

   Wile we’es a sit-n un dat tree.

Dar’s a girl ben wait ore dar,

   Dats a long-n fo yo stare.

She ben ask’n roun bout noon,

   If you’s cumin by ta spoon.

You best git n see her now,

   Else you’s tell me der ain’t no how,

She be too much a gal fo you,

   She all fancy, n made-up too.

 

Well I shud not get up da nerve,

   Shud not a look-d at her form curve.

I jus a shud a staid rite dar,

   Sitt-n down ta watch n stare.

But n shame I made’s ma move,

   Hunkered down, I’d lots ta prove,

I was man as man cud be,

   Tho I’d rather sit un dat tree.

‘Well’, I said,’lets show yor stuff,

   Ya can’t jus quit wen goin’s ruff.’

 

As I cum close, she look’d a me,

   She look’d me down den up ta see,

If’n I’d be sum-un she cud use,

   If’n I’d be sun-un to x-cuse.

I walk’d rite up n said ta her,

   “S-cuse me Mam, I has ta hear,

Is dar sum chance ya need-n me?

   I jus ben sitt-n un dat tree,

I jus ben won-drun if ya’d say?

   I sur cud use dat man ta-day.”

 

“Why, yes sir, I’ve been waiting here,

   For someone, when you should appear.

I’ve waited almost half the day,

   And didn’t know just what to say.

Now tell me that you are the man,

   To get things done if given a plan.

I’d like you, please, to come with me,

   and not just sit beneath that tree.

I’ve got a roof that’s sprung a leak,

   I need a man who can fix that peak.”

 

“Why, shur-ly Mam, you’v fon yor man,

   Thar’s not a thin dat cums ta han,

Dat I can’t fix n record time,

   Yo luck ta-day – won cost a dime.”

I turn’s back glanc-n ore dat tree,

   N-seen my frin look back a me.

I wink’s ta him, he nod’s his hed,

   I grin’s real big from my Mo-ped,

As wheel-n roun n hed-n out,

   I see’s his look, his long-n pout.

 

 

Author's Note

My Country Roots Showing

Reviews

[Nancy Lee Shrader]

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOVED IT!!!!

[Zatoichi]

this is a fun read and seems like it would be fun to write
sounds like the voices i heard in the hills and hollers.

[selfportrait]

I love this piece it was creative and I actually read it out loud trying to add the country accent to it, and saying the words like you wrote them. LSS you are talented, I love reading your work. :)

Keep it up!

-selfportrait.

[Last Lying Look]

Haha. I really liked this.
It made me smile.
Great write.
-Elissa :)

[Legion]

Yuw cundry bumkin yuws. I like it. Very clever. Hopes she lieks yuws poultry two. ;)

[J.Black]

Oooooh wow! This was well written I must say! I love this! Thanks for sharing. Clever and creative!

[Seriana]

How cute is this!!! I love it. I smiled the entire way through. Such a lovely, light-hearted piece. :) Thank you so much for sharing! I love the "country roots"....nice job LSS!

[J.K. (Not Rowling)]

This was great! I love your consistency with meter and rhyme, and the colloquilisms certainly put a (banjo-laden, straw-hat-wearing) layer of charm to it. Thank you for a wonderful entry to the "Cheesy Pick-Up Lines" contest.

[DF]

That was very good and full of personality even beyond the dialect. All you need now is a banjo and put this to music. This was great!

[Daniel]

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Wow. Being from Alabama I was able to understand exactly what you were saying. Lol.
This was really creative. I'm afraid that you may beat me in the Cheesy Pick-Up Lines contest!

Haha. Good luck!