The Life We See

Birthday wishes

 

Life seems so long at eighteen years,

          There’s plenty of time with no great fears.

There’s plenty of time to get it right.

          There’s plenty of time to love and fight.

 

You start out with your dreams and hope.

          You know each step, you’ll always cope.

You make your plans like changing beds.

          You’ve got most things worked in your head.

 

Then comes along that one great cog.

          The wheel that turns and churns out fog.

It clouds your mind and starts a song;

          The music’s loud and must be wrong.

 

Yet in its subtle, quiet notes,

          Your heart takes flight, begins to float.

And looking down you saw a prize;

          Value beholding in your eyes.

 

You took a-hold to lock it up,

          You found a bud soon to erupt.

You’ve kept the flower with its smell,

          You’ve changed your thinking with its spell.

 

Now time is past you’re thinking back.

         You’ve lost the ‘Why’, the ‘When’ its track.

You’ve learned to dodge, you’ve learned to weave,

         You’ve learned what’s clutter, when to heave.

 

Now others see your time and span.

          They’ve all seen love grow in your hand.

They know that you’ll give as it hurts.

          You don’t live life in little spurts.

 

You’ve wasted days and time, but few.

          You face each day as if its new.

Now others camp on your heart’s step,

          It seems you’ve now run out of pep.

 

Now often time the path is far,

          That one you traveled, ‘Upon a Star’.

But let me tell you, just today,

                           I’m glad we’ve walked it Jesus’ way.

Reviews

[Legion]

First, there is a good and great message in this. Something everyone should be able to understand. I like that. Second, you seem to have a firm grasp on your spirituality and on what life should be about. I like that too. The only thing I think could be worked on a bit is the rhyming. Some of it seems very forced and if you go back and look at it with an open eye and mind I think you'll see what I am referring to. This poem isn't necessarily the only one like that either. I am wondering if you can take these great ideas you have and perhaps let the pen flow freely to what comes naturally. Perhaps try some free verse poetry. Don't let your gift be corraled by the restriction of rhyme. Don't get me wrong, rhyming can be a good thing too (I do it often myself), just don't let it become a hammer that beats your creation into conformity or perhaps mediocrity (not that this piece is that, but I've seen alot of work that became that because of the writer's idea to keep within a strict structure that didn't work for them in the end).

[Kathy Van Kurin]

"the Life We See"
LSS,
To identfy with a theme in another's writing is surly a good thing.
I identify with this. You entered the poem with,
" Life seems so long at eighteen years,
There's plenty of time with no great fears."
At this point we have reality but that of the young and in context
with our choices and circumstances; different for all.
Then the freedom of choice with just self to consider...
"You make your plans like making beds
You've got most things worked in your head."
Grace is available all through life. For who gives us the days
and experiences to learn, to be impressed with each season of life.
The end stanza is lovely!
"Now often time the path is far,
That one you traveled, 'Upon a Star'.
But let me tell you, just today,
I'm glad we've walked it Jesus' way."
It is good to revisit our own reality. We are not alone. God is available.
We were never meant to live abandoned.
Blessings,
Kathy