Sweetest Downfall

The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. �Charles Dubois

Sparks.

Fireworks.

 

I saw them reflected in your eyes. And I thought it was enough. I was so strong, and I never thought that my strength would be my sweetest downfall. I was too amazed by the colors, the lights, the trail of fire that surged across the blackness of the skies. Too preoccupied with what I thought would make me smile all the way. And that was my mistake. I thought wrong.

 

Did I not realize that fireworks, beautiful as they were in a few seconds of their glory, faded away?

 

As much as I convinced myself that it was all good already, when you look at it deeply, it really wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t looking for something perfect – just something worth all this beautiful madness. I kept on hoping that things would get better. Was it wrong to hold on to that kind of hope?

 

I held on to that for a while, and I never admitted even to myself that it was hurting me – subtly, silently, and slowly. I told you, I was strong. But I had to stop hurting myself, right? I held on to it, until I saw what wasn’t there.

 

Meaning.

Connection.

 

It took me that long to realize what I had been missing. All those times, I thought my strength would save me, and save us. But you weren’t there for me.

 

I loved those sparks, those fireworks. But only then did I realize that they were not enough.

 

We did not have that certain something that could stop one breath of time, so that when the glory of that moment faded away, I’d still be happy because something was able to save it.

 

It wasn’t there. It was what I had always wanted, and that was important to me, because my strength was never enough. My strength would eventually become my weakness, and without that certain thing that was missing, I would lose all the hope I had left.

 

Fireworks are beautiful.

But they never last.

 

And what we needed was something between us, something that could freeze a moment so that it could last forever.

 

Meaning.

Connection.

The invisible.

The unforeseen.

 

It’s something not spoken of, but it’s there.

 

You see? I am complicated. I’ve never been perfect, and I never will be. I have always been peculiar in a way.

 

So much struggle for meaning.

But, why?

 

Because without it, there’s no reason for me stay. Without it, we’d still feel alone even if we’re together. Without it, there’s no breathtaking beauty in a kiss, no warmth in the touch of a hand, no fire in the flicker of an eye.

 

And I can’t bear to live with that. My strength became my sweetest downfall. In the end, my sweetest downfall became my strength. Was it wrong to give up on what I could not live for? I was afraid, but I did find the courage to, because only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.

 

… because only then will it find me. This unspoken obscurity that is peculiar in a way, but perfectly worth this beautiful madness.

 

January 5, 2009 9:00 PM

Reviews

[Iris Jayne]

You are a good writer. An inspiration to many, including me, and someone with a great future ahead. This is the fourth work of yours that I have read, and everything just render me speechless that i don't even know what to write on reviews. But I couldn't keep quiet on this, because this is too beautiful to just pass by. (:

[Everett DeValle]

This is an awesome piece of poetry, Maxine...so emotive and poignant in your yearning. Nicely penned.

[Dante Balsote]

"My strength became my sweetest downfall. In the end, my sweetest downfall became my strength."

When one is faced with a choice that is committal in nature, fear rises to the maximum. But once the choice is made, the committal move done--when one is sincerely into the commitment--the downfall becomes the sweetest sensation one would ever experience. And such is a beautiful madness. And it is always perfectly worth it.