Long Black Train

There’s a long black train coming down the line, above the train the air fills with smoke, thick as tar. You can’t help but focus on it instead of this dreary land of gray.

 

 How I got here leaves a blank upon my mind, I can recall nothing of my former life-that is, if I ever had one.

 Instead I wander without purpose, just like the hundred of others here with me.

 

 Where here is exactly I can not tell you, but I can tell you that it is a train station of some kind.

 

 My mind thinks of only one thing as I see the smoke in the distance rise higher: Home.

 

 If I can travel by that train I can return home and travel far from this dark and dreaded place.

 

 Here I feel torment on my soul, here all the things I regret come to mind, demanding their attention. I clutch my head in pain.

 My mind troubled, my heart overburden.

Where have they come from all at once? I have never felt this back home.

 

 My desperateness grows with every heartbeat, I can not stay here in this dark torment.

 I spot what must be the ticket counter, and I rush to it.

 

 “Please, my good man!” I begged. “Help me escape from here, which way must I travel?”

 

 In the dark shadows of the booth I see the man's form move closer.

“That depends,” He chuckled deeply. “What do you wish to escape from?”

 

 “This pain,” I gasp, clutching my heart. “I’ve never felt anything like this before.”

 

I hear another deep chuckle, and something inside me fears this man.

“You want to escape do you?” He laughed, leaning his body out of the booth.

 

I staggered back in fear when I saw his true form.

His face merely skin over bone and pale white, his eyes were solid black. He smiled at me with his skull like face.

“Just go ride on that long black train.” He said.

 

I run, but to where? I can run, but the tracks grow longer, each side accompanied by many others like me.

 They feel drawn to the train, just as I, but my heart tells me to run instead of stay.

 

 A hand from the crowd grabs my arm, and for a moment I fear of the man from before, until I get a look at the stranger.

 

 He looked normal, his face kind, but his eyes showed fear. Only this fear wasn’t for this place…it was for me.

 

 “My brother,” He spoke. “Here my warning, for I see that you are troubled.”

I nod my head, wanting to hear of what he had to say.

 

 He points to the column of smoke in the distance.

“It feeds off the souls of the lost, its tracks made from sin. My brother, only evil rides that train.

Watch out, for that long black train.” He warned me.

 

 I clutch his sleeve. “Please tell me then,” I begged. “Tell me what I must do to heal my tormented soul.”

 

 “Look to the heavens, you can look to the sky.” The man said.

“You can find redemption there back into yourself. There is protection from this place, and you’ll find peace there the same.

Just turn your back from that long black train.”

 

The man lifted his hands to the sky, shouting. “Because there’s victory in the Lord I say! Victory in the Lord!”

Again he held my shoulders tightly. “I tell you, cling to the Father and his Holy name, and don’t go riding on that long black train.”

 

With that as his final words he left, leaving me with a choice.

 

 I stand on the side of the train tracks, watching just like the others, as a man comes walking up the tracks.

 

 He’s every bit as gruesome as the ticket man, and while he walks the tracks with a lantern in hand, he calls out.

“Leave your sorrow and pain behind! Come join me and you’ll be free!”

He stops and points a bony finger at me.

 

“You,” He rasped. “What does your soul say.”

 

In the distance I hear a whistle blow, something so sweet to my ears, my mind tells me to go while my soul says run.

 Over the hill the train makes appearance, its sleek black metal glinting in this dull world, everyone turns to stare.

 

It was so beautiful that it made you step closer, like some did. While also getting crushed under its wheels in the process.

 Somewhere in the crowd I hear.

 

 “But there’s victory in the Lord I say! Victory in the Lord!”

The old man shouts. “Cling to the Father and his Holy name, but don’t go riding on that long black train.”

 

So I did.

 

I ran from these sinful tracks, leaving the train station behind, while I looked to the sky.

 

 Behind me the Devil leans out the window and calls my name, beckoning for me to ride on that long black train.

　

Author's Note

I know this is bad
Please tell me if i made any mistakes



http://pl

.st/p/22847271435

Reviews

[Victoria Elizabeth]

The reason why I love this story is because you give great imagary deatail and I love the song! Great work:)

[AK]

Wow! Great imagery! Awesome work!

[The XYZ Writer]

This is great Breezy!! There are a couple grammar mistakes and misspellings but you can correct those easily.

The imagery is very nice. I could really visualize the place. I liked the idea of the black train being the devil's train. Creative. Very good job Breezy. :) :) :) :)

[Ice Girl]

It was really amazing! I really liked it!

[InterijentoWrites]

This is quite amazing. I truly enjoyed reading this. It is intense, which I often find some people cannot accomplish while writing. You nailed it on the head. Such a powerful piece. Your imagery is perfect, making a perfect picture for the reader. I look forward to reading everything else you have requested I read. I am glad to have you in my group. I also only saw maybe one or two mistakes. I believe one was the wrong form of the word 'hear'. The man was asking for him to 'hear' what he had to say, and the word 'here' was used. But other than that, quite an amazing work.

[~ Stefanie ~]

I loved this! I have heard the song many times and I love how your work is based on songs. It just shows how creative you are with your writing and I love being able to take the time to sit and read your work. You did a great job with this one and I believe you described everything really well. The fact that we all will one day struggle with death and fight until the very end.

You had a few minor mistakes here and there but nothing hard to fix. They didn't take away from the story so it didn't bother me much at all.
I don't have anything else to critique because I tought you did an excellent job, as you always do! Keep up the great work!

[Tai Ryens]

Wonderful depiction of the afterlife, if I managed to fathom it right, haha. Though it was hard for me to concentrate, mostly because I'm tired, I managed to still get it. It was plain and simple, and I liked the thought of a black train that everyone jumped on like a bandwagon, only to discover that it is their death. Keep up the good work!

[13ReasonsWhy]

I REALLY LIKED THIS!

[paradise]

it was nice

[Team_Jaward_Gale]

dude no its not bad every piece can be good but never perfect you can always make it better and sad story and songh