Pictures

My view on the course of life

You were there, creating the world.

You were there, making it spin.

You were there, with the first morning sun.

You were there, painting pictures in the sky.

You were there.

 

You were there, when I entered the world.

You were there, when I made it my home.

You were there, when I saw my first sunset.

You were ther, painting pictures in the sky.

You were there.

 

You were there, when I said my vows.

You were there, when I gave my all.

You were there, when I started my family.

You were there, painting pictures in the sky.

You were there.

 

You'll be there, when I say my last word.

You'll be there, when I take my last breath.

You'll be there, to take me home with you.

You'll be there, painting my pictures in the sky.

You'll be there.

Author's Note

Anything and everything goes.

Reviews

[alternative_be]

Lovely poem, a very nice tribute to the person it was written for. Starting every sentence with the same word, starting nearly every line with the same sentence and then shifting tenses towards the end is an excellent eye-catcher.
Your poem is true to life and therefore heartfelt and recognizable by most people!

[Jessica :D]

Okay, I agree with Sally Edwards on the who You were there thing. I usually enjoy repetitiveness (one of my poems does that) but it was a tad too much. Um, you might want to make it a bit more personal too. Really good other wise.

Note: I know I'm probably younger than you, but please don't feel offended, some people do.

[Sally Edwards]

Beautiful writing, wonderful descriptive lines, I did find the constant use of You were there a bit too much, I did something similar when I first joined, sadly gone forever now, and someone suggested just using it for the beginning and end line, well I have to say I tried that and my poem was 10 times better. Apart from that I really enjoyed reading this :)

[Zephyr]

this poem has a lot of truly captivating and gorgeous imagery. the only thing i think you could improve on this poem is the way you've created unity. you bound this poem together with consistent repition, which is fine and overall the poem is good. but i think this piece could be much better if you somehow found a way to give the poem rhythm with continual use of the words "you were there /you'll be there" to tie it together.

don't get me wrong; i think this is vivid and beautiful. but i recommend looking at other poets' work and seeing how some other people make thier words flow without replicating thier words more than once or twice. for examples, i recommend the poems "Seed, Branch, Tree of Ibiza" by the writer CarrieLynn and "Daddy Skin" by Bubo. Both of these have exceptional and unique flow and i think you could get many ideas from them.