Chapter 1 (part 1)

The story of Ember Black

     The waves pounded against the shore as Ember Black walked, picking up shells.  Looking down, she spied something shiny.  Hew view of the horizon was momentarily lost as she stooped down to pick up the object.  Her breath caught in her throat as she recognized it for what it was: a piece of a lost pirate's treasure.

     "Oh my!" she gasped, as she picked it up.  Asingle piece of gold, missing from a pile of hundreds.  With her eyes fixed on the jewel in her jand, she stood back up.

     "Beautiful, isn't it?"  A male voice.  Ember's hand instinctively closed around her find.  She turned around, and came face to face with her father.

     "What's beautiful, sir?" she asked, then saw him wince.  She'd been told before that she resembled her mother so much, that she might as well be her very ghost.

     "The sea, Ember.  Isn't the sea beautiful today?"

     Ember nodded.  "Yes, sir," she said.

     Her father cleared his throat.  "I saw you studying something before I startled you.  What did you find?"

     She hesitated, then answered, "Nothing.  Just a shell, but I lost it when I heard your voice.  But it was nothing really, probably already been washed back out to sea." 

     He nodded.  "Well, don't be too much longer, Ember.  Lucy needs your help with supper tonight."

     "Why?" she asked.

     "I've trained you well.  Why?  You really must know?  Very well.  We're having guests at our table tonight.  Look out and you will see their ship.  They'll be here by nightfall."

     It was the girl's turn to nod.  Then she looked out and saw the ship.  It was large, but very fast.  Too fast.

     "Who are they?" she asked.

     "Enough questions!" was the harsh reply.

     "But, Father-!"

     "I said enought!"

     She hung her head in shame.  "Yessir," she whispered.

     Her father walked away.  When was out of sight, she looked down at her hand, tightly closed about her treasure.  She opened her hand and held it up.  In the open sunlight, she could see it was a medallion of sorts.

     Across the distance her father called out to her.  "Ember!  Come along!  Lucy needs your help!"

     "I'm coming!"  she answered.  She took one final look at the medallion and put it in her pocket.  Then she looked back out at the ship, closer now, much closer, almost to the docks.

     Who is it? she thought.  Then she turned on her heel and ran after her father.

Author's Note

Do not go easy on me...everything from grammatical errors to a title for the chapter and the story itself.

Reviews

[Andromeda]

off to a good start and has a lot of possibilities. very intriguing storyline and descriptions. love the name Ember Black. the one thing you need to work on a bit is dialogue, though--it sounds a little bit too rehearsed, but that's easy to fix, perhaps by getting to know the characters a little bit more. Good luck, and i really like this.

[Jessica :D]

Umm little thing I'm going to point out in the note, just so you know it's there.

[joshua rainbird]

It's an interesting start with a lot of possibilities that could branch off from the hook you have with the medallion.

Firstly I would be cautious about going straight in with the medallion being pirate treasure. Why would Ember recognise it as that, it could just be a pendant. In some respects you've blown someone of the mystery away in the opening paragraph.
Suggestion: maybe a locket would be better than a medallion.

Secondly she looks out to see a fast moving ship that is going to take until nightfall to get here. She's on a beach, so she's looking at sea level - probably 30 miles distance maximum, how fast is your ship going ? Because it could make the beach in less than an hour.

I didn't understand how the line about Ember looking like her mother is relevant at this stage of the story. It seems the wrong place to introduce this.

Ember speaks very formally to her father, and he comes across as harsh and dictatorial, is this intended ?

Your main strength is generating enigma in the opening chapter, however, be cautious not to recreate something that has been told so many times before, lest your work is considered to be imitation. Have your own spin, make it unique. This can be done quite easily by discarding the first thoughts you have and getting to grips with what the characters are like.

To do this I would start with the father not the daughter as he will have the most control in the relationship. Ember will have had to adapted to his lifestyle to some extent. The secret to this is to think how he sorts out problems and deals with people and then add an extra traits and interest that doesn't fit that stereotype.

But the biggest concern I have is that I have very few clues to what era this is set in. It could be any time post-medieval; the pockets hint at that.

Good luck with this
Josh

[jakesmama]

There are a few errors that need to be fixed. Its a good start, but shouldn't be driven by action. A prelude might be good to give a bit of a history about Ember and her dad and home life. Make the characters real people. We need to care about them. Its a good start and has a lot of potential. The biggest thing is to develop the characters. Most people want to know who the characters are as people and what makes them tick. What makes the father harse with his daughter and why must she call him sir? The story should have these four components: vividness, continuity, concern, and fulfillment. Giving the story some kind of setting would help pull it together. What I'm gathering from it is that it is kind of like Pirates of the CArribean or something like that. You kind of have it in two different tenses, mainly past tense but a little in present tense. I think that past tense may work best for this story. Something else you could do is add a flashback while she is walking along the beach, maybe a time she spent with her mom or something like that, we could get a lot about Ember with that.