This is a poem with a wise message. If could use a little more rhythm. I wrote two verses that you may keep for your self to show you what I mean by more rhythm. I overlapped the rhyme using a seven syllable line followed by a five syllable line where all accents match in meter. This may be sung as a song:
Heart
When there's trouble in your life
just take a deep sigh.
Medication for your strife
may be found nearby.
Your best guide is deep inside,
an eternal tie,
where no truths may ever hide.
Just ask your heart why.
In the short time you've been in the Cafe your writing has grown from okay and promising to something really worthy, wonderful and more. You've the potential to outstrip many of the players in here.. you obviously work very hard at whatever you write these days. Tis super-thoughtful too.
Two minor typos you might like to note: 'The thoughts, and (advices,)~ which (arises) in your heart,
are the words, ~ directly from God..!!' should read, advice and arise. :)
A very beautiful message Saumya, the overuse of commas and punctuation is a bit distracting, but I know you did it to slow the reader down to create a languid rhythm where the words hang for a moment to be absorbed. I felt that this could easily be turned into song. You could try a different format to this that would afford less punctuation and still have the same impact.
Something like this maybe:
"When nothing goes well in life,
and you don't know why,
just take a deep sigh,
sit and ask yourself,
why?"
or
"When nothing goes well in life
and you don't know
why
just take
a deep sigh
sit
ask yourself
why?"
I like this, it is a good message, though not everyone has a "pure" heart and I think it's only a friend when God is inside it, making God your best friend not your actual heart. I'm not trying to put this piece down or anything, those are just my thoughts.
This is a poem with a wise message. If could use a little more rhythm. I wrote two verses that you may keep for your self to show you what I mean by more rhythm. I overlapped the rhyme using a seven syllable line followed by a five syllable line where all accents match in meter. This may be sung as a song:
Heart
When there's trouble in your life
just take a deep sigh.
Medication for your strife
may be found nearby.
Your best guide is deep inside,
an eternal tie,
where no truths may ever hide.
Just ask your heart why.
Hi all:)
this is me....Saumya
well, i don't have much to tell you all about me..
but yes to start with,
I love writing & painting.(you can find some of my paintings in the "my photos" section of.. more..