The Bag Lady

Fiction

The Bag Lady

Jack was sitting at a side-walk cafe table reading a newspaper when a bag lady sat next to him.  Jack grimaced and continued reading.  "Hot today, isn't it?"

Jack ignored her.

"I said it's hot today, isn't it?" she yelled.

"Yeah, it's hot today," he said continuing to read his paper. 

"Good.  For a minute there, I thought you were deaf or feeling uncomfortable because I'm sitting here.

No, I'm not uncomfortable because you're sitting here," he said continuing to read his paper.

"Good.  I'd hate to have to report you for incrimination against a minority."

"It's discrimination, not incrimination," he mumbled.

"Well, you know what they do to people who are convicted of incriminating against minorities?"

"Wait a minute.  I told you it's discrimination not incrimination, and who's they?" 

"You don't know who they are?"

"Would I have asked you who they are If I knew who they are?"

"You'll find out who they are when they make you give me money for incriminating," the bag lady asserted.

"I told you it's not incriminating.  It's discriminating.  Are you deaf?"

"Huh?"

"I asked you if you were deaf," Jack said getting frustrated.

"Are you deaf?" the bag lady asked.

"Why are you asking me if I'm deaf?" 

"Just asking.  Speaking of money.  Why don't you save yourself a lot of aggravation by giving me money before they make you give me money.  I'll take $5."

"You must be crazy.  I'm not giving you any money."

"Aha.  Incriminating against the insane.  That'll be $6.

"Six dollars.  Are you insane?"

"Of course, I'm insane."

"How do you know you're insane?"

"They told me."

"Who's they?"

"They.  They.  Jeez, are you deaf?  I said they told me I was insane.

"You keep telling me they told you you were insane, but you aren't telling me who they are."

"Give me $6 and I'll tell you who they are."

"This is crazy.  You keep asking me for money.  Are you some kind of nut?"

"I don't know.  How many kinds of nuts are there?  Oh, would you answer the phone?"

Jack looked around.  "What phone?"

Zelda reached into her basket and took out a phone.  "This phone.  Hello?  Hello?  Nobody's there," she said and hung up.  Maybe they'll call back."

"Maybe who will call back?"

"They."

"Do you talk to they a lot?"

"Do you talk to they a lot???  Do you talk to they a lot???  Where did you learn English?" 

"Okay.  Do you talk to them a lot?"

"Only when they call."

"Okay, now that we've got that out of the way, give me $7."

"$7?  Why should I give you $7?"

"Because you're a nice person?"

"Forget it.  I'm not a nice person.  I'm not giving you $7."

"How about $8?"

"If I'm not going to give you $7 why would I give you $8?  You must be crazy or something.

"Something!  Why do people say that?

"What?"

"Are you crazy or something?"

"I don't know.  It's just what people say."

"Sometimes I think people are crazy.  Okay.  I'll settle for $6."

"Forget it.  I'm not giving you any money."

"You drive a hard bargain.  Gimmie $5 and we'll call it a day."

"You mean if I give you $5 you'll go away?"

"Sure."

Jack gave her $5.  "Now, go away."

"I've been thinking.  Considering everything I've done for you, you should give me more than $5."

"You said you'd go if I gave you $5."

"I lied."

"That's it.  I'm going to call a policeman to take you away," Jack said looking around.

"I wouldn't do that?"

"And why not?"

"They don't like people who incriminate.  If you call a cop and he finds out you incriminate, he'll take you away, and you'll never be heard from again."

"What are you talking about?  This is America.  The police don't make people disappear."

"It happened to me.  The police came and took me away once, and I was never heard from again."

"Are you crazy or something?"

"See.  You said are you crazy or something.  Why do people say that?"

"Never mind that.  How can you say the police came and took you away and you were never heard from again?  You're sitting here, so what are you talking about?"

"I got away."

"What do you mean, you got away?  Away from what...where...who?"

"Away from...them."

"Them?  Them who?"

"You know.  Them."

"Are them they?"

"Huh?"

"I asked you if them were they?"

"Have you been speaking English long.  I mean is English your third or fourth language?  What kind of a question is, "Are them they?"

"Okay.  Never mind the English.  How did you get away from them?"

"It's a secret.  So, how about the $6?"

"I told you, I'm not giving you any more money."

"How do you expect me to make a living when I have to deal with a cheapskate like you?"

"Get a job."

"I have a job."

"You have a job?  Come on?"

"Where?"

"Where what?"

"Where do you want to take me?"

"Where do I want to take you?  What do you mean"

"You said, "Come on."

"That's just an expression.  Now, what kind of a job do you have?"

"I do things."

"What things?"

"You know, things."

What...THINGS?!?!

"Boy, you don't know who they are.  You don't know who them are, and you don't know what things are.

"You don't have a job, do you."

"No.  I lied.  Tell you what.  I'll settle for $3.  That's my last offer.  Take it or leave it.

"I'll leave it."

"Okay.  My very last offer.  I'll take $2, and that's my final offer."

"No."

"Okay.  $1.  That's as low as I'll go."

"Hmm.  If I give you a $1 will you go away?"

"Yeah, I'll go away."

"Okay, here's a dollar."

"Thanks cheapskate," she said, went to another table, and sat down next to two people.  Jack watched her, shook his head, and returned to his newspaper.

The End

 

Reviews

[Marie]

Interesting. Good dialogue. Clever lady. Obviously she only wanted a dollar in ghe first place and knew how to get it.
Found a few minor mistakes

No, I'm not uncomfortable because you're sitting here," he said continuing to read his paper. (Need a comman between "he said" and "continuing...")
(You left the end quote marks off these four sentences):
"Aha. Incriminating against the insane. That'll be $6.
"They. They. Jeez, are you deaf? I said they told me I was insane.
"If I'm not going to give you $7 why would I give you $8? You must be crazy or something.


"No. I lied. Tell you what. I'll settle for $3. That's my last offer. Take it or leave it.

Ordinarily I wouldn't nitpick about things like these, but you're both a teacher and a professional writer.

[Saul Greenblatt]

Hi Marie. You were right on. The moral of the story is never work on more than one story at a time and never rush!!!!! I get an F.

[Saul Greenblatt]

Hi Marie. You were right on. The moral of the story is never work on more than one story at a time and never rush!!!!! I get an F.