You Are Being Watched

You Are Being Watched

Inheriting a non religion,
carrying stones on wings―
you wanted to fly.

In the hot and humid
Land, a cult grows
in one's own squeezed moon,
playing with words.

Stunning the future,
something hardens in veins,
and you prepare for the
battle of peers.


The world was changing,
to make you see, the life on
edge, discovering oneself in inner
space.

And sometime, you will
look at me puzzled.
For the wounded pride
was I paying a heavy price?

Was it easy to understand life?

Reviews

[JayG]

• Inheriting a non religion, carrying stones on wings―you wanted to fly.

Obviously, you're not talking to me, since none of that applies to me, my reaction was, "Why send this to me? So who is it meant for? Let's begin with, what's a non religion? Obviously, not a religion, but doesn't that mean every field but religion?

Sure, you have intent for how it's to be taken, but does intent make it to the page? No. Does the reader have the smallest shred of context? Again no. So by the end of the first stanza the reader is confused, and a confused reader closes the cover, because there is no second first-impression.

• In the hot and humid land, a cult grows in one's own squeezed moon, playing with words.

The problem with talking to the reader is that every word makes sense...to you. But... "The" hot and humid land? There's only one? Naa. "A cult grows." So that only happens in a hot and humid land? Naaa.

Sure, it makes sense to you, because for you every word points to ideas, images, and events, all stored and waiting in your mind. But for the reader, every word points to ideas, images, and events, all stored and waiting in *YOUR* mind. And if only you were there to ask when it's read. But you're not.

Write from your chair, of course. But always, edit from that of the reader who needs context as they read, and who will turn away if it's not there.

In school we're not taught the skills or techniques of writing poetry, so some time spent reading some texts on those techniques would be time wisely invested.