I kept the clothes to remind me.

Revelation after an accident.

I kept the clothes to remind me.

After the car crashed, while I was struggling for one small breath, I was thinking and believing, "Oh God, I’m going to die." I was not afraid of the dying. It felt like the worst kind of luck.

But I thought, "No, I can’t die alone, I just CAN’T! Not yet, please, there’s no one here with me. Oh God, not yet!" I felt a fear and panic I have never come close to feeling before. It was shockingly unreal. I felt mentally out of myself. (Is that where the saying "out of my mind" comes from?) I was so afraid of dying without anyone there next to me- I’m not sure it mattered who it was, just anyone. It would have felt like a final betrayal from a cold, hard life if I had had to die alone:

I didn’t matter. I was not important. Just another temporary noise in the current of humanity. I was not special, I was not heard. Thirty years of putting up with all that s**t, for what? Never to be acknowledged as someone even at my last conscious moments? No, I wanted to have a say, I didn’t care who listened. Damn it, I had to be heard. I deserved it. No way was I going to leave without that right, after all that crap I had to deal with all those years. "Life’s a b***h, then you die"-no way.

I kept the clothes to remind me. To remind me never to hold back from having my say and being heard. I can’t hold back- what would be left? Life without acknowledgement. How hollow. Before I go, it needs to be known that I was someone, someone who lived a life here, too. I will search until I find people who will listen- who will acknowledge my existence. And I will get the chance to leave the message:

I WAS HERE

 

Reviews

[Tink7]

Returning the favor of your review of "Outside" today by reading what you put up on your profile page, and following that with the piece, "I Kept the Clothes to Remind Me."
Both have impressed me. What you wrote for your profile page seems a bit more polished, though throughout it you are pushing differences, and more, in front of the warmth I could see there. That was from the heart.
"I Kept the Clothes to Remind Me" seems quite true as well, though written in more of a hurry... spelling errors (not many), and I wished for a gentler segue into the last paragraph, just one sentence I guess. I'm not sure. This flash story (as those this short are sometimes called) hits hard, and I liked that too. Because we all have to face a moment when we have a chance to leave that message 'I was here,' or when we may be afraid that moment will never come. Well, those of us who care do.
Go for it, and then go for it again. I like your work, and hope to see more.

[Sir William]

I am moved by your passion from the words you share with us. I am sorry for taking so many months to respond regarding your request for a friendship. I have been living over across the pond for the last 10 months learning about other cultures and beliefs. I was living with no electricity or contact from the outside world, and it was one of the most sobering expierences of my life. When I returned home last week and read your poem I immediatly felt a connection. I could relate with some of your words first hand. Thank you and I am looking forward to reading more of your work by the light of my fireplace.

[Samuel Dickens]

At least your life-changing ordeal happened at thirty--I was much older. This is very good writing, passionate and to the point.

[cassie rhea]

wow, sherri! i think this writing oozes excellence.