1: Insert amusing pun here

4/20, 9:11 pm……Well this is just the perfect date and time for me to start writing now isn’t it? Im 16 years old sitting in my living room on the one day of the year where its completely acceptable and expected for a person my age to be smoking lots and lots of weed (in no way am in ensinuating that I smoke pot by saying this, im not saying im just saying). This is a typical Sarah moment my life revolves around two things, Dance and my Mother’s menopause. I live in Los Angeles with my mom who we'll refer to as Cathy from now on seeing as that’s what I call her unless im speaking to her directly. Iv had this issue of always calling my parents by their firsts names despite how “inappropriate” it is. Now im just curious is this more unacceptable then what parents do 99.9% of the time? Example Cathy just picked me up from a dance class and despite my constant pleas to stop somewhere so I could get some artificaly flavored sugared sports drink to keep myself from dying of dehydration Cathy refuses to stop because she doesn’t want to be late for her appointment with the massage therapist who comes to the house…….Yes ladies and gentleman I live in Los Angeles. As im writing this Cathy is on the table getting the stresses of being a single mother taken out of her while I sit here wondering what the hell im supposed to do about dinner and putting some sort of nutrition in my body when all that is in the house is red wine and coffee beans, note I don’t have a license. However if I dared to interrupt cathy in her massage shed tell me I was selfish and inconsiderate for bothering her and then if I asked her if I could order food shed say something like this,” Sarah, why the hell would you want to spend money on food? Money doesn’t grow on trees you need to learn the value of a dollar and stop spending so goddamn much,” says the woman currently spending 75 dollars an hour on a massage, and Cathy refers to herself as “the Queen of the 2 and ½ hour massage”. Lets weigh this one out here for a second, close to $300 versus $15, now whos being ridiculous here? I swear im not totally insane…however normal and level headed wouldn’t be the words to appropriately describe me either.

Now theres a reson im as “excentric” as I am, that reason is

1. My overbearing single menopausal mother

2. My dead addict father

3. growing up in la

4. being overworked since the age of 5 and working and living with a bunch of overly career obsessed anorexics

5. Having the craziest last 18 months of my life

6. And finally all of the therapists Cathy makes me go see and the ridiculous number of pills they’ve attempted to put me on because I am “clinically depressed”

I was born in a manger and my mother was the Virgin Mary…Nope sorry to dissapoint im not Jesus and that was definitely not the way things went down. The real story isn’t quite as nice, I was conceived by my Cathy and Bob in Aspen Colorado on one of many drunken nights, as Cathy tells me “we never used protection because I was told I could never have children and when I found out I was pregnant it was the happiest moment of my life, you were a miracle baby!” I on the other hand after 16 years of life have found another word for myself, Accident. I was born in Cedars Sini hospital on September 10^th, 1993 when Cathy decided it was finally time to push me out. When my mom went into labor my Dad was nowhere to be found, he was at the Hard Rock Café drinking his bodyweight in alchohol, now this is typical example of my parents dynamic, They had been to classes to prepare for my brith and when Cathy was in labor she tried to used the techniques she had been taught. She held onto my Dad, Bob’s, neck to help her pain to which he said, “Hey cath, do you mind not doing that it hurts my neck.”

Cathy was a workaholic and Bob was an alchoholic so between the two of them it was clear theyd need some help in raising a semi-normal child so they hired a nanny. Anna, who had a scary resemblance to Charo both in her apperance and the fact that she sang and danced constantly , was the one who basically raised me and for awhile little Sarah would refer to her as Mom…..whoops. Whenever I say this around Cathy she absolutely flips her lid and shuts down and tells me “you have no idea how much I was around,” sure whatever you say……maybe your talking about your clients and confusing them with your child. Anna used to drive me and pick me up from school every day, take me to dance, bring me home cook me dinner, help me with my homework, play with me, and at least 3 nights a week put me to sleep was probably the most normal person in my childhood…and when I use the word normal it’s a stretch, seeing as TSA always thought she was smuggling drugs across the borded from El Salvador and would periodically even resort to cavity searching her to which overdramatic Anna would be a wreck for weeks after. As a small kid im pretty sure I spoke more Spanish then I did English ,***note I just stopped writing to check my facebook, café world, and formspring to find more comments people have written about how my last name rhymes with many profane words and their obsession with my sizable chest…..well that’s just creepy*** As I was saying, My childhood was just a mess, my parents got divoreced when I was in Kindergarten which is typical for my school. My parents had gone to a child psychiatrist to figure out how they were going to tell me that, “mommy and daddys aren’t in love anymore but they still love you!” and had finally decided that theyed tell me together over dinner. Well typical of Bob he decided to take me to get icecream at Baskin Robbins which we frequented so much that they knew me by name and get me an icecream Sunday and then take me to his new house. At this point Charo calls my mom crying “Bobby etold Sarita!!!!” Cathy calls Bob screaming “What the hell is your problem??? remember what we agreed on?!?! You stupid B*****d!!” and Bob goes for the nearest bottle of Boose and rolls a joint while I sit on the floor puzzled with no idea what the hell is going on. ***once again distracted by my boyfriend Ethan calling to tell me about the cookies he attempted to make which ended up being biscuts…..and now hes flossing and plans on calling me back after***Don’t you hate losing track of what you were saying and then getting terrible writers block? Well that’s about where im at right now so I might put the venting to my MacBook to a rest for awhile, but when I can regain any focus you will be the first to know. After all you are the one reading this so who else would know? Wow im rambeling…again, story of my life. Im going to shutup now and close the computer before I make an even bigger fool of myself. Nice talking to you word document until next time…

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