The Terror of Waking

 I woke up this morning, wishing I had been lying beside somebody else. I thought I was, in those few cherished moments of delirium as one stirs from a good dream. How I wish in the chambers of my failing heart that I was living that dream right now, the most heavenly of alternatives to my waking lie; having to fake happiness, orgasms and love.

 

He lies watching me pretend to sleep, while I am desperately trying to re-catch the end of that dream from which I have been torn - The unborn child screaming I'm not ready yet! Can't you see that I can't face them yet! 

 

I wonder if deep down he knows. Something in the absence of my eyes, and my forced smile shouting him the clues. Have I called out her name in the ebony night? And has he heard these desperate, instinctive cries? I feel that this world is too much to bear, this bed is too much to bear, this life is......

 

Just let me go to the ocean and fall forever where i can be of no harm to anyone but myself and the swirling sand......