"From morn to noon she fell"

This was my Valentine's day hell, written as found, no glamour, no editing, my crushed soul in it's entirety.

 15/02/08 - This butterfly never grew it's wings.

 

I'm sorry, I would have written yesterday but I was literally shaking and could barely hold myself up never mind hold a pen to write anything remotely legible. F**k me what a Valentine's day it was yesterday. What a f*****g joke I have made of myself, I should be studied. Yes, I should be studied.

 

The day was fake, on my part anyway, and Gavin? Ah yes, poor Gavin. I acted and lied to him all day, not that every day hasn't become a play, a comedy, because the lengths that I will go to, are indeed, laughable. The words, "I love you," mean nothing to me anymore because i've said them so many times to the person whom I sincerely do not love.

 

I opened my front door yesterday morning to find a huge bunch of pink roses, a card, (containing a poem about pink roses.) and a wrapped parcel containing a dvd and a book of Shakespeare's sonnets. Perfect eh? Naw, not for this heartless, unfeeling, ungrateful witch. It was fake and unnecessary. I hate Valentine's day from the very pit of my soul. I hate flowers and cards with cliche sentiments of longing and love - But still (as I felt I had to, because anything less would have crushed the boy,) I ran to him, flung my arms around him and repeatedly blurted out something along the lines of "You're amazing!" Does he not know me at all?

 

And it gets worse...so much worse.

 

We got the train to Belfast and went to Cafe Vaudeville (most pretentious restaurant on this planet) for lunch, and (oh god) we shared a starter. He was going to feed me an olive at one point before I nearly threw up in his face. Afterwards we walked (well, he dragged me) around the bustling city where I could see man after man floating through the crowds, awkwardly clutching their bouquet of bloody pink roses. 

 

 

After our mission to find a jewellery store that didn't make me feel nauseous failed miserably, I suddenly suggested going to the union to play pool - Why would I do that I hear you ask? - You'll see. So eagerly and innocently he agreed, and we went, and we entered that building.

 

 

 

I quickly glanced to my right and looked into Clement's coffee shop, where around this time 6 months ago I sat and trembled beside a certain someone - remember him? I do.

 

So down the stairs we went, and into the toilets I ran to fix my hair and my scarf; and to apply a fresh layer of lipstick - what for?  You'll see, shh, so soon you will see, If I could only find the words...

 

I walked out of the bathroom, and I didn't hold Gavin's hand from then on. We entered through the passage - and the world - stopped. Not this soon, I didn't really believe he- I didn't think- not right there? Yes Sarah, right there.

 

There, in front of me, sitting with elbows dug into his knees, that grey jumper on, rolled sleeves, light brown hair curled in it's usual and perfect way; There sat my angel, my guardian angel as I had once described him. He didn't see me then, although I wished he had. 

 

Gavin and I walked to the bar for a much needed drink, and as we walked back the way we came, I caught a glimpse of he and his friends - you know, I had never seen him interact with anybody else but myself, and I felt sick.  My boyfriend and I sat side by side in the pool table area as I ferociously gulped down my wine. David was just out of sight, But near me. He was still near me.

 

As we sat waiting for a pool table, my eyes were fixed on the narrow opening between his booth and the passage to the toilets. Just to see him would be sufficient, a glimpse was just enough to feed my addiction for a few futile minutes more. True to instinct there he was, walking to the toilet, head slightly bent. He didn't see me.

 

I'm not even sure if I wanted him to see me. The reason? Well I was with my boyfriend of six months that he doesn't know about, and I had also previously lied to him and told him I had a broken foot. I really regret telling him that now, maybe if I hadn't, then we would still....

 

It was a blatant lie to get a reaction from him, anything. I needed him to show that he cared, or was worried. I don't know; As I mentioned before, I should be studied. No cast was there to be seen, not a crutch. I wouldn't want him to think I was a liar now would I? (And that's all I am, now, to everyone, a god damn liar.)

 

Another part of me wanted him to have an incline, an idea that it was me, you know? Maybe a thought, "That girl looks like Sarah, ah yes, Sarah." - Hmm, I don't know, all I know is that I needed to see him. It wasn't a want or a fancy, it was a must. To just... watch him, for a while, see him smile and laugh, for it's ever so long since I saw him laugh; To see if he was O.K! Is that so difficult to understand?

 

Anyway, he walked out to the bathroom, and I followed him. "I need the loo," I said- so frankly, and I followed him. I went into the ladies, looked into the mirror, shaking and flinching at my appearance, and walked out again. You stupid b***h! You were too early! He was still in the bathroom. What to do? I saw another bar, beside the toilets. I clambered to it and ordered a water. (No barman, you're going too fast! Slowly, please! Can't you see he's not out yet!) Yes, he wasn't out yet, even then. I admitted defeat and returned to my neglected boyfriend. I found him by the jukebox. He had found Jeff Buckley on it, and I put it on in the hope that David would notice.

 

He was back by that stage, and as Gavin and I played pool, on it came, and he sang along to it. Little did he know that the song he was singing was chosen so that he would notice it like he did, and sing like he sang, and remember.

 

Then oh god it was like the spirits were torturing me. He came into the pool area, and played at the table right beside mine. I couldn't help but look at him - and oh my god how perfect did he look as he stood so close to me. In the heat of the moment I had another one of those flashbacks when we - oh god when we...

 

I have started to shake again, sorry about the handwriting, as I write this I am waiting for his email reply, and it's going to give me a heart attack.

 

It came to the point, after several games and several nerve calming glasses of wine, when Gavin and I had to go, I couldn't hold him here any longer. I had arranged for us to go to the cinema, and we had to go - now. 

 

As we walked out I showed a momentary sign of weakness - and to this moment I still don't know why, But I angrily told Gavin that David was there, and that I couldn't believe that he didn't say hello. It was at that point, that I was convinced he had seen me. But thinking back, I don't think that he did; and Gavin? The poor thing didn't know what to say! He shuddered at the mention of his name. (I think deep down an alarm is sounding within him, shouting at him, warning him that I still love David.)

 

We went to see The Butterfly and the Diving-Bell, and in that movie, I could not for the life of me tell you what happened in it. All I heard was it's beautiful music, and at the back of my mind, David's voice singing to Jeff Buckley, for TWO HOURS that is all I heard! I had to, "go to the toilet," three times during that film to sit in a cubicle and breathe deep breaths, and wipe away my involuntary tears.

 

You know, I can't even go on with this diary entry. I know what happened after that, and I know i've blown it forever.

 

Valentines Day 2008 - The day I ruined my own life.

 

"From morn to noon [s]he fell,

From noon to dewy eve

A summers day; And with

The setting sun

Dropped from Zenith like

A falling star."

 

15/02/08  Yes it's still the same day; the worst day of my life so far, and you know...I think it's going to get worse.

 

Well, I waited for his reply, and it never came, It never will come, and he will never speak to me again. I then decided, If i never speak to him again, there's no real need to be on the internet, there's no need for any of it and I deleted it all. I fundamentally deleted myself from the internet, from the prying eyes of the world, to stop them from realising who I am, And hating me, I hate myself too much to have the rest of the world also realise what I'm really like. So it's gone, Myspace, Bebo, Flickr, Facebook. It's all gone, It was only for him to look at anyway, and I suspect that he will never want to look at this pathetic face again.

 

I deleted him too. His phone number, his Messenger, If only I could suddenly forget his email address too, But it is thoroughly imprinted in my mind after nearly three years of emailing. I had a thought today, a wish that I could somehow commandeer the memory erasing machine from Eternal Sunshine, forget him. I never in my life thought that I would ever regret knowing David Mcneill, and in a way, I still don't. Think of the lost poetry, the memories, the values and knowledge that he gave me - gone. But perhaps life would have been more simple. I might have cared for Gavin, appreciated him, loved him? But alas! There's no point in trying to find the answer to something that I'll never know.

 

Now? I'm so painfully pathetic that life will now be led in quiet, depressed calm. It's all that I can do, unless another come along - which I doubt very much. I will be as dignified as I can, smile and cry through my hair, tell them all, I'm fine - I'm O.K, But always hide true feeling, live on as you should, Sarah. Try not to break Gavin's heart, you wouldn't wish this pain on anybody else now would you? I know it's hard to talk, at this very moment but do you remember the time you ended this before? I know you didn't forget, but everyday life stepped in, and gradually you learned to live without him. Yes, you thought about him, and in the solitude of the night you cried for him. But it won't always be like this. You lived without hope once, you could do it again, if you could muster the strength.

 

But I can't help but hope. Yes, i'll hope he comes back to me. Maybe one day i'll lose my mind and post this diary through his letter box, and he will see how I love, and desperately need him, and he will place his slippers on my feet again after we have been walking in the rain, and he will hold me firmly in his arms. He will someday kiss my hair like he did before, stroke my hip and make love to me. Maybe one day he will say the words, "I love you, Sarah," for the very first time, and mean it.

 

Give away my clothes and my home, take my future, and my past. Take my life, and my talents away from me. Lucifer, take my soul, Just let David come back to my skin.

 

x

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Catastrophe]

whoa! i'm just thinking where should i start...*scratches head*
the emotions...reality...you...
its all written down, and its painful and at the same time very beautiful, i suppose its the way you work the words...
wow...i enjoyed reading this...great work~

[Kailee]

very good