Trazaksta (Part 1)

This is the beginning of a story I'm starting to write. I know it's not perfect but I'd like to get some feedback before I continue. Thank you=]

Surrounded. Red eyes all around, staring, staring, never blinking.

Where am I? Is this a new country or a hell?

Hell…That’s funny. That requires death…doesn’t it? Can I even die when the heart beating inside me isn’t mine? This immortal hell I’ve been damned too, this new country, Trazaksta, or whatever the hell they told me its called, is it even worth being alive for? Is it even worth searching for a a zombie I once loved who’s heart now beats inside me like a screeching metronome, never letting me forget the sacrifice she made for me? She waits for me here…She waits like a vegetable rotting from the inside out, eyes bloodshot and cold…so cold…not the warm loving eyes I remember and fear I’ll never see again….

When was it when the lights went out on this world? When all that was sacred became tainted and all that was beautiful became a sight that would frighten children for years to come? I remember when this life was worth living for….When I still had Isabelle to hold and to love and to breathe in when I first woke up. Everything’s so messed up now. I went from being able to protect her to letting her be taken. I went from being so strong to needing a life saving operation. I should’ve died, I should’ve died, I should’ve died…That’s what I tell myself. Better for myself to die with my crippled heart permanently slowed than to live with my love in a state of constant paranoia where she ceased naught to call out my name from behind the gates of which she stood. I could not be her knight in shining armor, more like a boy in a suit of tin foil; flimsy, foolish, and stubborn. I would find my love and give back her life bringing metronome if it was the last thing I did.

Trazaksta. They say I’m crazy, leaving Melodia for a hell. Leaving singing birds for screeching crows. Lovely flowers for venus flytraps. Mortality for immortal creatures that shouldn’t even be allowed to exist anywhere but in the imagination of an evil scientist, thinking up his most evil ideas but never able to follow through.  Leaving heaven for hell it seems, though ten times worse but I would go through anything for my darling Isabelle….I still remember when I met her all those many years ago… I was 23 and she 19, our relationship had an odd start but from the moment I saw her I couldn’t get her out of my mind. She however needed some convincing, some being an understatement…

Reviews

[Wolfwind Words]

I like the way your character is voicing their thoughts. The way it sits now, reminds me of someone giving a monologue. It's got energy, a few typos, but if it's just one person standing, telling a story in first person, it works.